jesuuna - Tumblr blog

[jesuuna]

love letters people have sent

"i associate you with the colour lavender" - when S buys me trader joe's mochi cracker snacks "like I mean this as a compliment but you’re a firecracker" "i would trust you to paint the sunset" "jesuuna is really sweet, but really spooky" "you have a very effervescent energy and a warmth that people want to be around" - when people send me photos of art that they think i would like, or reminds me of my art - "you're absolutely crazy and i love you for it" (or a variation of this quote, i get it about once a month) - "i've never met anyone like you before, lavender"

[jesuuna]

it's just a very lonely existence

to not have anyone want to touch me, because of my power. all i want to do is love a little, and be loved a little. but the people i want, don't want me back.

it feels like a cosmic pull, a swell that i am asking to take over me. because if it doesn't happen, i will surely combust, just to have my pieces swept by the wind.

it's a torture i didn't ask for—i'm being pulled towards you but am met with hesitancy.

[jesuuna]

blasted fiona under the harvest moon last night, and came across this cover today

[jesuuna]

me: *bursts into tears and asks S for a hug* *long hug in a coffee shop with Julia the golden retriever at our feet* S: are you listening to Sufjan again? *we burst into laughter for 20 seconds* me: Sparks album by Coldplay. how did you know i was listening to sad music? S: cause you were staring in the distance for a very long time

[jesuuna]

i love having cute boys on my roof.

[jesuuna]

roommate bought me pad thai, and i laid in bed crying all day. oh how it feels to be loved in times of agony.

[jesuuna]

S told me the other day that everyone is very protective of me. i didn't realise it but it's true. i'm a strong and resilient person, so it's nice to know that my loved ones are protective.

[jesuuna]

please i'm so tired. let me sleep. dreamspeed. dreams. speed. currently no dreams because i can't sleep.

[jesuuna]

the sweetest texts from the sweetest boy and sweetest squirrel, for my sweet dreamspeed tonight. i feel so loved. so sweet. thank you.

[jesuuna]

i liked it better when it was all in my head

[jesuuna]

recent notes

[jesuuna]

i've been staring at this lamp for so long that i feel sexual attraction to it. photos don't do justice, to show how her threads glow. the bartender a month ago, apologised to me for "aggressively hitting on" me when he texted me inviting me over for a matcha cocktail and i declined.

after his apology, we spent the eve comically and aggressively nasty flirting, to the point where his coworkers asked what was going on. he told them: "nah, she's a dead horse." he came back and asked me if i was a dead horse and i said yes. then i told him to go take a piss and think about me.

an older man came up to me and invited me to watch the world cup finale with him. i considered it but declined—times square was far too far and far too overstimulating. i went back to conversing with the bartender: "what happened? your entire demeanor just changed, are you okay?" he asked.

i told him i was fine, but truth was i wasn't sure. my relationship with men as a whole, has changed drastically in the last few years and specifically in a vacuum, too. my PTSD exists in tandem with me living my best life. it's awfully confusing and i sometimes wonder if love is worth it. of course love is worth it, love is entirely the point.

a few weeks ago, i bumped into the bartender on my walk home and he gave me a big hug. a little caressing on the shoulder and an amicable laugh. i hope he still knows that i'm a dead horse.

[jesuuna]

this isn't productive—living in a reverie where everything looks like wisteria and smells like honey and pink. i have serious business to do but my mind would rather grow trees and branches off of a memory that doesn't exist. my fingers are sharpened like knives, and i'm ready to assassinate with any sign of threat. but my fingers are also ready to share some love too. lately they've been busy painting, writing, typing, and soon they'll be swimming.

a friend shared with me about how the loneliness in this city was sweeping him. i told him: "baby, why won't you let me love you a bit then?" he obliged, and said: "i would like that a lot."

[jesuuna]

an accidental text to my S, "this is art" they responded with

[jesuuna]

3:18am mentaiko spaghetti and more sufjan, dear god please let me sleep after this i am exhausted

update: i ate the spaghetti as the second song of Seven Swans ended, and now it is time to try to sleep again

[jesuuna]

i am suffering from false emotional malaise with no remedy besides time and sleep. there is nothing specific that piques my current state of being, i feel perhaps wedged between clenching too tightly to the search for truth and not needing the truth at all.

impatience and impermanence flood my heart—satisfaction too, yet it feels like it has rudely passed.

it's as if i am living in the future already, and earth is the past. the skies bring me forward and my feet are planted and embalmed.

won't somebody tell me something i don't know?

[jesuuna]

roofs were made for yearning or jumping off of