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Sean & Francis (Georg too)

My insecurities come from within, I shouldn’t be apologetic about my actions unless I’ve inflicted hurt or pain on another individual.

RECAP: Tonight, Thursday October 20th 2019, I had a scheduled dinner with Sean and Francis at 7pm. They contacted me at 6:50pm to provide options of eateries with the follow up of cigars and chess. As always, I was running late and they accommodated so kindly by pushing dinner to 7:30pm. 

We went to Parma Cucina on 5th. The night started off with a sense of awkwardness on my part due to the feeling of having to present myself in a more sophisticated way while trying to impress/get to know the couple. As the night unfolded over pasta and wine, the awkwardness began to chip away and the vulnerability began the deepening of my bond with them. 

Right after dinner, we went to the cigar bar where we chose our cigar and began a game of chess. The night deepened and as did our conversations. We touched on maintaining communication with those who we care and connect with, touched on passions and current ambitions/jobs, and discussed reframing mindsets in order to put heart into the actions while strategically playing a collaborative game of chess. Ended the night at 1:00pm by taking each others UBER/lyft home. 

TAKE AWAY:

The first thing Sean did was set up a monthly Skype call and annual visit. We scheduled a Skype call on the 30th of every month and a tentative annual visit starting this October. I deeply appreciate Sean efforts and I am excited to follow up mainly because I want to maintain a relationship with both Francis and Sean. He inspired me to set up a scheduled call with Daniela and Nia. 

My conversation with Francis about personal drives and ambitions with the follow up of actions. I took away the possibility of putting the “Why” into what i currently do. To be more goal oriented for the purpose of having meaning in all that I do. 

I appreciate these two and hope I can be a close friend to both of them. I’m looking forward to the 30th.

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25th Birthday Reflection

This years birthday celebration has probably been one of the most memorable... Lets start with the day to day events.

May 31st - Michael, Kina and biolabs people surprised me with pastries, a cake, balloons and a song of happy birthday at biolabs. The funny part was that I was completely clueless to the surprise, even up to the point of the actual surprise. I walked into biolabs, airpods on and music playing when I walked passed the party of people singing happy birthday to me. It was such a pleasant surprise. I felt very loved by those who attended and especially those who planned out the events. I appreciate Michael on another level - because of him, my birthday was truly memorable.

The night consisted of my friends peeling me out of lab to make it on time for dinner at Saiko with the six-pack, Michael and Daren. Spent the 12 o’clock hour at Red’s with Kina and Michael.

June 1st - My birthday spent with my Love. Who know I wanted intimate, non-attention centered time on my actual birth day? The one thing I kept reiterating to those who asked about how I spent my birthday was how much I appreciated laying low and spending the day with Michael. We started the day at Hash House, to make our way to the Lot Theater to watch the avengers. Followed by dinner at home and an early retirement into bed. My actual birthday weekend has allowed me to appreciate Michael even more. He knew that I didn’t know how to spend my birthday nor did I have the capacity to begin planning something centered around me. But that sweet angel took initiative to gift me one of the best birthdays ever.

OH... He set up my room and surprised me with his gifts, such a sweet simple gesture but with some much love. 

June 8th - Gemini Party Bash. I throw amazing parties. Barbecue at the park was the best idea. Not only was it the most inclusive event i’ve thrown thus far, it was filled with laughter, joy and pure humanity. Friends from college, work, random coffee shops and family all gathered at Morley Fields to celebrate our birthdays. A majority of the celebrators were my Biolabs friends, but they have played a huge role in this past year. Terrarium table was a hit and the yard game rentals were consistently occupied. The tables were filled with food - sambar, home made brownies, fruit and samosa. Jaimie and family drove down from the Bay Area. Not only did we enjoy the day, the night was filled with Silent Discos Dance moves and tacos libertad. 

June 9th - DAD DID AN EDIBLE. I am my father’s son. lol I am also a huge family man. Spent the day at the park with the family, playing testicle toss and enjoying the high under the shades. 

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Sam, I wish you the best.

5/12/2019

In the midst of cleaning out the spherical terrariums that once held works of art by the hands of both mine and my loved ones, I was caught off guard discovering Sam - the used to be green caterpillar now brown cocoon - while shifting through the white rocks. 

What had been a project of recycling old pieces now became an unexpected flood of grief and joy and anxiety and paternity. My initial response was to prepare for the hatching. Engineering copper and silver wires like railings within a miniature utopia world. Recreating a sense of nature through a broken budding stem of a resilient lemon tree. An endless options of scaffolds for dear Sam. Topped it off with a sprits of water for midnight moisture. 

20 minutes had past before the thought of Sam’s disturbed encasement cross my mind. How I robbed Sam of warmth and comfort, and sadly instilled coldness and distress.

With the used of two mini-skewers and surgical-like focus, I recreated Sam’s enclosure as best I could. Insulating with moss and weighing down the structure with a Crystal Opal. (Thanks Tyler from Swami’s). 

A little bit of direct lamp/incubation exposure should’ve helped, but this one is a fighter. 

Sam, I wish you the best. 

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2018 pt. 1: Europe

This has been a long time coming..

Where to start.

2 days and a week has passed the new year. 2019 rang like the end of recess bell. This might be a bigger statement than intended, but 2018 was the best year of my life! and heres why...

- Traveling Europe

- Traveling Thailand

- Moving to San Diego

- Skydiving in Hawaii

- New York

- Thanksgiving

- The Holidays

- Michael <3

January 1st, 2018 5:00pm - I stare out my west facing window to capture the sight of a fiery sunset set against a deep grey abyss, all doubled by the reflection of the San Francisco Bay. I was on board a flight from Oakland Airport, to Stockholm-Arlanda Airport, en route to Amsterdam.

To start the year off, I spent the first 16 days of 2018 traveling alone in western Europe; from Amsterdam, to Rotterdam to finally meet Ahmed. Took a train to Antwerp to end up in Brussels for a few nights.. Fell. In. Love. then ended my trip in the historic city of Berlin! 

To sum up each experience, I will jot highlights below:

Amsterdam: made party friends, smoked too much weed, started to feel lonely. Almost got mugged. BEST RAMEN EVER!!

Rotterdam: hung out with Ahmed (sexual..), windmills of Holland

Brussels: Lonely... Partied and drank a lot, went to comic museum, began to realize the effects of traveling alone. Had sex with two different men (coke guy)/Lawyer guy

Berlin: Stayed at Stefans place. Felt out of spot and did not vibe with the guy. Because of those feelings, my experience was more foreign and less comfortable. Tried to get into Beghain 3 times but failed. Visited the German Historic Museum. Made friends with David.

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BANANANA slugz

.First and foremost: this journey of Self Love will be a long and painful adventure, but I promise you Jethro, it will be worth the loneliness, the victories and the loses. Keep striving on.

Update: my current computer is lagging so every letter I type is showing a second later.. I am currently in my 5th quarter at UCSC, go Bananana Slugz! Majoring in MCD with an ATTEMPT at bioinformatics as a minor, but due to self realizations (not wanting to take AMS131/132), the minor will not be fulfilled meaning that I will be graduating this year.. Lets make sure we preapre ourselves.

I also live in Santa Cruz, as if that wasn’t obvious enough. Living with Matthew Mojica, Justin Ayala and my current BFF Daniela Escobedo. I am with Michael Kong, the love of my Life. I will marry that man and he will be my other half. That is certain.

Sister is in SD, Pops and the ladies are in Cypress, Kuya & Kat are in Buena Par lastly, the queen mother is happily with Tita Cathy, in South San Francisco.

I had a moment of self destructive indecisiveness. Nico’s party, laundry with Daniela, or gym.. But I believe that it was more of the situations happening around me that affected my state of mind during that time. So i had decided to stay in, bring the cats home, Carlito and Sprinkles, and hit up downtown Santa Cruz to attempt at being social in an isolated way. It was another one of those ‘I need a drink and observe the world around me’ kind of nights. And so it happens.I had decided to walk around downtown, and observed. I first ran into Genecee, Carina and Rachael outside of Motiv taking a piss.It was adorable. Then I made my way to the bottom floor of the Red Room,twas crowded and full of white people. I had myself a whiskey and coke. To my surprise, ihad caught someone’s eyes. For I was left a note as a group was walking out that read “if you were any prettier, you would smell the poo (muffin stamp). Left me a very posvibes feelling. Left and headed towards another spot for a nice IPA. On the way I had the gift if experiencing a man’s heart opened and a bond strengthened.  A friend had pep talked his buddy into hanging out with the group again. it. was. great. made my way The Poet for a beer, but before buying my buddy kyanite from (Gaia?)I had made my bartender a dollar heart, to my recollection I had a moment of uncertainty and anxiousness, as I had forgotten to create the lobes of the dollar heart. A wave of strength then came about foreshadowing my next realization. On my way back home, I had a “moment of weakness.” As I gazed at the bare court and still noisy jungle gym, I drew strength from within. I promised myself goals and ambition. For this I know to believe true  I was able to remember and finish my dollar heart and beer. Bought traveler buddy some water and he has carried it with him, represented by my purchase of takis and pringles..

P.S. Its spring forward 3/12/17

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Back on track

It has been quite some time since I've posted something on here. But I figured that as I get older I can always look back at these past experiences. Of course this is intended to express emotions as well as means of documenting my life. But before I begin, I must say that I have work in a few hours. So this will be short and sweet. Tim is currently the person I'm talking to. He is also Mark macabitas' ex boyfriend. I think I'm ready to let tim go, our relationship to me would be best off as friends. He hurts me in ways that I let him hurt me. It isn't him to blame though. It's more of a checkpoint into other things that await my journey. Anyways, I'm feeling bent over Tim. Not the good kind either ;) we haven't had sex in a while. Please save me

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I love you man <3 feb 28 1991 - April 2012.

Gone but never forgotten

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its been a while

Its been too long since I've been on this, and it seems like throughout the school year I tend to drift away from this. But here we go

Im about to graduate on my birthday, it seems like this year just zooooomed by. But calc and ap lit wasn't as hard as I thought. I'm going to take the ap tesst and hopefully pass. schools been alright, I hung out with the pinos, met a lot of people, hung out with more people. I guess I got pretty popular in a short period of time

I started to smoke a lot this year and party, I drifted away soo much and wrong timing too. Lydia passed away last week and its been hard for me to handle I miss her soo much. I hardly talked to eric and daniel now and I miss them a lot. quinlin too..

Im going to move to san diego with ate after I graduate so I wont be here for summer. Maan that sucks... I wish I could chill here for summer but I can't.. I have to get a job help pay rent blah blah blah..

Senior ball is coming up and I went to prom with trecia that was pretty fun..

I think I changed a lot. And maybe im not close to eric anymore because of me. It was good seeing msn at lydias memorial service and I've been hanging out with james han lately... I balled my eyes out today though. I really miss Lydia... but I guess there's a lesson to be learned by this, I just don't know what. Well not yet at least so there's some hope..

Ill keep in touch with this blog, might as well there's a lot of emotions on this and its good to reflect once in a while. Peace

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Lydia

Lydia I miss you soo much... dude why did you have to go? I imagined my future with you! My graduation, my wedding man even my first kids. Would would've been their god mom... but that's all gone. I miss you soo much it hurts dude. I can't take it. This week has been too long... I know you're in a better place but its still hard to not have you around, you told me to quit smoking and I think I will. Lydia idk what to do, I really need you. You were my rock even though we weren't as close as before, I knew you were still there for me. Every Sunday we would hang out and you would be pissed that I left early, im so sorry I left early I didn't know how much friendship meant. Dude I feel like I just lost my sister, you were closer to me than my own sister, you were like my best friend I told you EVERYTHING! Now idk who to tell what to. Lydia I miss you soo much, I don't want to move anymore cause ill be further from your grave... I can't believe you're gone. Its still sooo unreal to me. please watch over us lydia, we need you and god sooo badly. You willl always be loved, and there wont be a day where I dont think about you. I love you nunna thanks for everything! <3

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Step 1

I'm starting to smoke a lot again. Well I already am smoking a lot. Eric told me I should watch out and stuff, but honestly I dont really care anymore. I just need to make sure I get all my stuff done. But I know I'll eventually stop again.

But other than smoking, I miss my friends a lot. I miss hanging out with Daniel, Lydia and Eric like before. Its really different now, and everyone has their own thing going on. Its sad to see that a family that was close fell apart. I miss them a lot.

I'm worried about school, I have AP calc and AP English to worry about, not only that but A/V. I feel like I'm going to die this year, and I have PE. What senior has PE -___-. Fucking wack. I still feel like Leadership will be my only place to kick it and hang out with. I hardly had any friends this year and basically hung out at 13a during lunch. Thats when I had Senior friends. Now that they're gone i have to find new friends to hang out with. 

Summer wasn't as great as I thought it would be. I wanted to hang out with my church friends a lot more but it doesnt seem like its going to happen. Also i stopped talking to Nina, things didnt seem to work out and I guess this is for the better.

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Regret

I don't think I could regret anything as big as this. I smoked today, for the first time since August 11th 2009, and I regret it soo much. I fell into peer pressure, and now I found the drive to start over again and not do it. I remember why I stopped in the first place. As much as I want to tell Lydia, Eric and Nina what I did, I know I can't or else everything will turn out for the worst. I think this is the biggest regret I will carry on for the rest of my life. In advance, I'm so sorry guys, I had to fall to get back to my feet, and now I know why I stopped in the first place anyways. I will start over again and eventually I will tell them. This is eating my from the inside out and one day I wont be able to take it. This regret sucks, I feel like I let down soo many people, even though they didn't know. I should have listened to Lydia and fight agaisnt it. I should have kicked it with Nina today and not be tempted to burn. I shouldn't have gotten High. I'm so stupid. IM SOOO stupid.

God, if you still love me, please find the kindness in your heart to forgive me of my wrong doings. Please help my find the strength to tell the ones I love. Im so sorry..

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over thinking

Its been almost a year since I’ve moved here and things have changed, for both the good and the bad. In ways, losing friends wasn’t too bad. It hurt, I’ve got to admit, but I came to the realization that it was for the best, the friends who were really friends stayed and the rest just filtered out.

I met new friends here to, but in a way, I still feel like I don’t belong. Well, I guess its not about belonging, but more of the feeling of having a stable set of friends, or a clique. Its hard to be in new places and having to start over in the middle of high school, but its getting better.

I hit a brick wall. I realized that I’m not qualified to go to a UC, so I decided that I’ll go to CC after high school and transfer from there. Its really disappointing to know that I spent 4 years of my life, to basically go back to step one. I wish I knew what to do about college earlier in my life, but its better late than never. DeAnza than to UCSB, UCLA or UCSD.

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I am really tired of awkward moments. Since this school year started, I've been having continuous awkward moments. I have been blogging lately, I guess there have been things on my mind. Every weekend, I go to the east bay so I can attend church. I started to come here over the weekend because we had praise practice, and normally after practice we would hang out. But lately is has been different, and I feel like I nothing for me here anymore. I maybe over thinking it, but hey when do I not? Its cool though. I think that being on this side of the bay is doing me a lot more bad than good. Which, in my situation, isn't something good. Its been dwelling in my head that maybe i should stop coming to this side for the weekend, and spend my Saturday and Friday over at SSF. Maybe get closer to some friends. Today I went to yet another basketball game. It was Logan vs Mission once again but this time it was girls playing for play offs. After the game I face yet another awkward moment. I'm starting to think that my weekends aren't mine anymore, in the first place, they should be God's, but it isn't even his, its whom I stay with during that time. I hate it! Its stupid how my weekend is up to someone else. It pisses me off. Im tired of living someone else life, I'm ready to start living my own. If I burn, than I burn, its my decision. Peace world!

HAHA sometimes I secretly want someone to read this and give me feed back

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Disappointment or Realization?

Today was Eric's basketball game/senior night. Well, let me start off by talking about this day. I woke up, went to breakfast with Karen, Ava, Sammie, Marlon, Christen, Jaqy and Kristine, or how ever you spell her name. We all went to Marlon's house after, then they helped me make a lay for Eric for his ball game tonight. Sometime tonight I came to a realization that maybe the things I do shouldn't for other people, especially for Eric or Daniel or anybody. Then that got me to thinking about burning and whole mess of things. Burning is a very big a broad subject for me. It brings out the bad but in a way the good. But as I'm writing this, I think about all the expectations I give to other people, Eric would be a perfect example. I expect him to be a big brother to me, as in not do drugs, and a whole list of expectations, but then I face those temptations my self. Maybe I should stop expecting things from other people, it might help my relationship with them, but who knows. I really don't feel satisfied though. I want to change again. Not only my personality but also my physical appearance. That sounds very bad to say. Sometimes I get scared that someone will find this tumblr and everything I once kept secret will be out in the open. That is a scary thought to think of.

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God's Image

If its God willing it will happen, but I need to play my part. I have to pray about it and ask God to provide if he wants me to go through with it. We, as Christians, reflect the image of God and I know I haven't been the best Christian lately, but I will try and put an effort to be where I should be. When the going get tough, the tough get going. I need to have a servant mindset and ask God what I need to do. I shouldn't want to do it for the money, God first, money is a bonus. Its in his hands.

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Entry 66: Missing out

Ever since I moved to South San Francisco, I feel like I'm missing out on many things. While I'm here in my room soaking, all my old friends are out there having fun, and the thing that makes me feel the worse is when I see pictures of people having fun with people from their school. I hate this school soo much, its very different from San Leandro, and not the good kind of different, I wish I could go to SL for my senior year.

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Entry 65

Things have been rather strange I believe. Yale has drifted away from us, mostly because of Sarah, but I guess he is pretty upset at us. Especially since it seems like we hurt his pride. Quinlin is coming back sort of, but he seems a little different too, a lot less dependent. No homo, but I miss hanging out with that guy. Daniel is getting a girl friend, and it seems like things on his end are changing as well, especially since he works now too. I've been holding this thought inside of me for too long, before MSN left to go to Texas, me and him met up and talked, and the things he said to me have been changing me, I'm not sure, but I guess in a bad way. He told me a couple things, I don't want to say because I feel bad saying it, but it makes me think of church. Since I basically have nothing else but church, its sort of hard to understand what he meant, but I still understood. I don't know which side is right. Ever since I moved to South San Francisco, Things are going down hill, they still are.