jewelleerie - Tumblr blog

[jewelleerie]

When you’re in the abusive situation, abusive parents are your worst enemy, but when you get out, you become your own worst enemy because you carry their voices inside you and unlike with other people, you can’t just walk away from yourself.

Is you ask me, the hardest part of child abuse recovery is retraining that voice to love you instead of hate you.

[jewelleerie]

Wow

WORD

[jewelleerie]

The story so far

It’s currently 9 PM Mother’s Day 2019. It’s been a year since I cut my mother out of my life. Today it weighs very heavy on my heart.

Cutting off that relationship was very much like cutting off a piece of myself. It’s cliché and dramatic. And exactly how I feel. I am a 28 year old, married, mother. I am all of those things and find joy in each of them. And yet, today, while I was surrounded by everyone who loves me and every single person that I love in return. The one thing that weighed the most heavy on my mind and heart, was how much I missed my mother.

Cutting her off was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. She is the person who has hurt me the most but at the same time she has been the only constant thing I ever had (pre husband and child)

The last time I saw and spoke to her, was at my daughters first birthday. The party that she wasn’t invited to but showed up to anyway. I think of myself as a strong woman. But I escaped to a silent room and cried a whoa is me kind of cry cried while my very greatest friend asked my mother to leave.

This was perhaps the greatest act of bravery of anyone I’ve ever personally known. K is a person who hates conflict. Hates anything that might even come off as an confrontational. And she’s known my mother almost as long as I have. I fled and she rose up. For me. That is something that I can never repay.

Today was hard in the most self serving kind of way. I cut my mother off so that I could be a good mom. Yet the only thing on my mind today was me reminding myself that I can’t be the daughter she wants and the mother that I need to be at the same time.

She was abusive. Verbally and physically. She let me know just how much she hated me and how it was my fault that her and my father didn’t last. She is a negative person and likes to make sure the people around her are feeling as low as she does. This isn’t me insulting her. Just facts. This wasn’t something that was new to me. Or even something that I ever actively thought about. It was just what it was. And I lived for those moments when she would look at me and talk to me. I had fooled myself into thinking she loved me. That sounds so melodramatic.

I never even realized how much energy it took to deal with my relationship with my mother until I gave birth and my attention and energy were completely pulled to my child. That’s when the trouble started. I couldn’t give her the time that she wanted. I couldn’t be complacent in her insults anymore. It’s like my eyes opened. My ears could hear what she was saying and finally finally finally really understand that it wasn’t okay. I couldn’t smile and nod anymore.

I couldn’t roll with the punches. I couldn’t allow my child to ever thing that it would ever be okay to be spoken to like this. To be treated like this.

I looked at my baby and for the first time I realized what it meant to love something more than myself. Another cliché. I finally could feel the love that a mother is supposed to have for their child. And what I had been receiving was so far from what I would ever ever give my baby.

Why is it that I failed to see it before? Why didn’t I just jump ship like my older siblings? Why did I defend her for so long? Why did I think that it was totally acceptable to be spoken down to and insulted about everything little thing? Even after the physical abuse stopped. Even after she got sober and clean she didn’t change much. But I took that as evidence that people can change. And here I am just making excuses.

It’s been a year and a month since I threw in the towel and called it quits with my mom. I can’t bring myself to go into details as to the why if it right now. But I’m already feeling better just typing this out. Maybe better isn’t the word. I feel relieved.

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out. I chastise myself so much when that happens. I won’t take medicine either. So sure that an aspirin today means the gutter tomorrow with a needle in my arm.

Why didn’t I see this? How do I stop my daughter from getting scarred from her mother’s trauma?

[jewelleerie]

I've lost count of the cats that live in my apartment. I named the first one life, just to prove I could hold one and not kill it. The next ones regret, he was already living here. Then there's karma, now she's a bitch Hope, but depression keeps chasing him away There was Me, I got rid of her because there's nothing I hate more Depression, now depressions pretty loud, demanding. One day he grabbed life by the neck and bit down. Excuses was one of my favorites, spent a lot of time with her. Every time she cried it sounded just like, "I wasn't ready"