jimbeamvanilla

[jimbeamvanilla]

awesome ‼️

[jimbeamvanilla]

precious cargo on this car ride

[jimbeamvanilla]

[jimbeamvanilla]

😐

[jimbeamvanilla]

was incredibly anxious like bordering on the dissociative way that honestly doesn't happen too often these days which was scary so I jerked off like 10 times and that fixed it

[jimbeamvanilla]

had some beers and now I have to pick up the room a bit... I'm getting ready to spring clean which means getting most of the obvious stuff out of each room and then going back over it in detail... y'all I hate cleaning 😭

[jimbeamvanilla]

I'm losing it 😭 like I went through the throes of depression and then through the trenches of anxiety and I'm more or less coming out of both but this time nothing is replacing it this time other than this feeling of. idk. I feel crazy. I'll get to thinking about stuff and I'll go through my typical motions of making myself feel worse or better and nothing gives. two nights in a row I've almost done something extremely stupid and reckless and I don't mean suicide or homicide it's a personal move that would be fucking insane but I almost want to do it. I want to start the fight. I need shit to stop being so still

[jimbeamvanilla]

i in fact did get drunk by noon. the horrors have gone away mostly. 3pm beer run as the whiskey ran out and I don't think 8 beers is enough to keep me going through the night. release me

[jimbeamvanilla]

anyways I'll be drunk by noon

[jimbeamvanilla]

talking about my sex life and bad things that happened to me as a child use discretion

it's always been troubling to me that although I know for a fact I was touched as a child (my mom had proof), I didn't have any clear memories? it affected me in a multitude of ways (acting out sexually as a child, body issues, wtf ever), but all memories were extremely hazy, and I know that's common, but because of the ways it affected me sexually it always felt unfair that I couldn't even remember it clearly. not that I want to, I mean who wants to remember, but it's something that happened to me and I deserve to know.

well, not too long ago, I was having sex and the other party asked if I'd want to use a blindfold. pretty tame, I've done way harder stuff, figured it would be fun. as soon as that blindfold went on and the sex continued I got a wave of nausea and immediately started to panic. like the sex ended and I had to go outside and smoke, I couldn't stop shaking. and it made me remember a time when I was a kid, around 5, when the stuff was happening to me. I remember I was hanging out with a younger cousin, and he asked me what I wanted to play. he had a bucket, like a sand bucket, and I put it on my head and told him "now I can't see and I'll do anything you want me to do". now we ended up playing monster trucks he wasn't rocking with my game, but that memory came back so vividly in my head after what happened. I think I don't remember things clearly, despite my photographic memory at that age, because they were blindfolding me. or otherwise making it to where I couldn't see. and I mean, understanding what went down was something I wanted, but I dont think I needed it. my nightmares have gotten worse and my relationship with sex has gotten worse too. I feel sick rn. like. I don't know. anyways. who cares. my aunt is still out there, I could literally message her on Instagram. idk if she did anything or not because I couldn't fucking see, but she at least knew her girlfriend was doing it and she encouraged it. I know she did it too. whatever. and the other bitch died so who cares

[jimbeamvanilla]

good morning. if I could go one night without having nightmares about being molested or raped or killed that would be fantastic 👍

[jimbeamvanilla]

jerked off for an hour straight now I'm dizzy but against my better knowledge I'm going to take a shower bc I'm bored and it's been a hot minute. um another issue is literally the only clean panties I have is my crotches g-string. so basically nothing. oh well

[jimbeamvanilla]

made me think of you @marianappearance

[jimbeamvanilla]

I only use Instagram to watch mukbang edits much like how I only use twitter to watch porn

[jimbeamvanilla]

everyone around me is either

wildly more drunk than me

suicidal from getting divorced

taking their midterm.

and I have four more hours here at my sister's house I'm going to go crazy 😭 nothing to do but sit here and drink wine by myself

[jimbeamvanilla]

3:30 pm and almost everyone in my house is hammered halp

[jimbeamvanilla]

and like. I want to talk to my mom. but my god that would just be a fucking diaster. she has told me so many times she wants to hear nothing about my sex life (she's been telling me about how good she is at sucking dick since I was in elementary school, but, okay.) and then if any conversation even starts to remotely remind her about what happened she starts crying and making everything about her and blaming herself. I don't blame any fucking body, it is what it is and there's nothing we can do. but I am not coping at all even 10 years later and I need help and even the therapists I talked about it to changed the topic to focus on my ~breathing exercises~. okay thank you those are helpful when I'm having a panic attack but we're not worried about my non-lethal panic attacks we need to be worried at the unprocessed trauma in my brain that makes me want to jump off of a bridge. I'd call her out by name but I forgot her name. it started with a v.... maybe Veronica? no that's not it. damn I really don't remember hold on