jiparkminie - Tumblr blog

[jiparkminie]

There's so much hate. Directed towards me. From me. This isn't me. I'm so broken and I'm so lonely.

[jiparkminie]

I think something's wrong with me

I don't feel loved

Am i loved?

Maybe i need some reminding. Or maybe i need constant reminders.

I'm just so horribly sad and envious and angry and broken

And i have to raise a small child while dealing with my sadness

Who am i even? Take away ethan and i dont know i am. Just someone who cooks well.

If he stops calling me mama, then who i am?

Im just watching life pass me by

[jiparkminie]

Every day i fade a little more

I barely recognize who i am

And if asked what I like about myself, I take so long to answer because I don't know what that is anymore

It's awful and consuming and unsettling

An enigma

I'm too tired to even try

But i need to try harder at most

Even though it's hard

[jiparkminie]

I shouldn't have done this

I should've said yes and pushed for it

I shouldn't have carried

Then maybe i would be in a much happier place

More fulfilled instead of stuck here with so much regret

It's glaringly obvious that I treat him like because he reminds me of what I lost and what I could have been and what I could have had

I am happy when I see him and when i see him laugh

But there are times when it's overwhelming and I wish he wasn't around then maybe i wouldn't be feeling this way

I haven't felt free in a while

I feel caged and sad

I've been giving and giving and giving and my cup is empty

I have no love left to give

Not even to him

[jiparkminie]

Happy looks good on you

Won't you smile for me

[jiparkminie]

i watched you catch fire

come on

watch me burn

watch me erase

watch my pain

go up in flames

i watched you catched fire

i struck the match

drunk on caffeine

of this feverish dream

you bastard

you dont even remember

you just deleted me

and now im full of wonder

if you still know me

like i how i know you can run

drop that pole

then actually fucking fly

away

all the right words

meditating

floating

but dropped when it got too hard

i watched you catch fire

because i was flaming

my life was flaming

and you didn't want any of it

2/23/22

[jiparkminie]

i watched you catch fire

come on

watch me burn

watch me erase

watch my pain

go up in flames

i watched you catched fire

i struck the match

drunk on caffeine

of this feverish dream

you bastard

you dont even remember

you just deleted me

and now im full of wonder

if you still know me

like i how i know you can run

drop that pole

then actually fucking fly

away

all the right words

meditating

floating

but dropped when it got too hard

i watched you catch fire

because i was flaming

my life was flaming

and you didn't want any of it

2/23/22

[jiparkminie]

is this my in between season

or a prolonged season of waiting

just waiting

not exactly living

riding it out

the wave

it blurs

the horizon

the place where the sky meets the sea

and the sea meets you

where sun blinds me

and your rays are scorching

is this my in between season

it's incredibly still

void of ripples

but it blurs

it really blurs

can we go right back to the start

remind me to take photographs next time

2/22/22

[jiparkminie]

manic and exhausted. february is exhausting but not like how january was. it's a different flavor. a different color.

red?

blue?

black and blue?

maybe it bleeds maroon.

it's anxiety in guise of rest.

struggling to find a way to waste my time.

borrowed time.

have to find a way to soothe this bundle of nerves.

to detangle it only to have it tangled again.

i feel like i've spent the last 4 years just waiting

not even patiently

waiting for a chance to just live again

to fulfill my dream and to provide better

to feel independent and that i've got this figured out

it's blurred

it blurs

it'll stay blurred

will it?

2/19/22

[jiparkminie]

You're like heavy sunshine

It hurts my eyes. It burns me. It gives me life. Gave me life. How are you doing.

[jiparkminie]

my first love was a boy who played guitar.

backstage, he cheered us on when we did a run through of our set.

we found it strange that this boy suddenly started clapping. this stranger helped make us feel at ease. it was one of our first gigs outside our school.

we needed that. i needed that.

my first love wrote songs impromptu whenever i was sad. he'd pick up his guitar and strum three chords and make up lyrics on the spot.

he'd sing to me when i was crying and it wouldn't solve my problems but it would make me smile.

it's funny how at 32, i still have the same problems from when i was15. just amplified cause im an adult with a child. stuck. irrevocably stuck. helplessly stuck. all karma. all bad karma. happening again and again. or is it one long episode of bad karma that just won't fucking leave.

aurora.

won't you just kind die for me while i kind of stare at you again.

it's not that i want that back. i just want that semblance of who i was, so happy and bright eyed at 15 or even at 18. not this watered down version of me at 32. jaded and angry and sad and unhappy. moody. upset. angry. taking it out on my son. i stopped being kind. im not even kind to myself anymore.

i remembered you because aurora played and it painted the silence outside but the anger inside. it was a nice time. i'll always remember 2005 as one of the happiest years of my life.

relieved of emptiness. bled and breathed the air. on and on and on.

2-16-22