jj-alone - Tumblr blog

[jj-alone]

Enough excuses for parents who abused their kids but “meant the best”. They “meant the best” for themselves, not for the kids. It’s fucking easy to just rely on emotional abuse, threats, humiliation, shame, guilt and violence to get your way and to force your kid to stay in control and to sabotage and fuck up the child’s life so you would feel good about it, and then to just remind yourself “i meant the best” to feel no guilt about doing so whatsoever. Just repeating to yourself “it doesn’t hurt them” and “they deserved it”  while actively forcing your child to keep all the obvious trauma symptoms out of sight or ensuring the child believes it’s their own damn fault for feeling the way they do.

You know what’s not easy? Having your parent force control of your life via emotional abuse, threats, shame, humiliation, violence. Your parent getting into your own head and  gaslighting your senses until you feel worthless and insane and like a monster, until you don’t dare to feel your own feelings, until you’re ashamed of the pain you feel and can’t see yourself as anything other than a horrible burden and nothing you do can ever change that or make you good enough. You know what’s even harder? Still believing that your parent “meant the best” and not even daring to blame them and still being forced to draw the conclusion that it was after all, all your fault, for existing as you do, for being who you are, for not ever being good enough! And then, on top of all of it, hearing the rest of the world agree with the parent’s view, pressuring you to never blame them, to forgive them, to never hold them responsible, to “be better” and understand them, to not ever try to place blame on anyone but yourself because then you’re the monster.

Just. How. Is. One. Supposed. To. Heal. From. That. Healing can’t even begin until the blame is placed on the parent! This person literally benefited from their child’s suffering! They did not get affected negatively from it at all, they didn’t even care, they walked away satisfied and getting what they wanted while the child now has a lifetime of traumatic consequences and mental illness problems! Their freedom is taken away, their quality of life reduced, their relationships and friendships sabotaged, their confidence crushed! They’re placed at extra risk for addictions and obsessions because they keep falling into the black pit of trauma no matter how hard they try to distract and their life is heavy and painful no matter how well they do afterwards! Their brain can’t regulate stress properly anymore! Abuse causes literal brain damage and all this is just so the parents would get their way! And you all still insist they shouldn’t feel guilty about it or be faced with consequences of their abuse? They shouldn’t fucking admit to themselves and to their children what they’ve done? If the truth will kill them, let them die. Abused children’s right to heal comes way before the abusers feeling good about themselves.

[jj-alone]

intent doesn't erase impact

[jj-alone]

it's taken me so long to see that my family doesn't acknowledge the pain they've caused me. They ignore it, play it off, and pretend it wasn't as bad as i make it out to be. The difference between my family and me is i acknowledge, accept, and moved on from the hurt and pain i cause them. i'm starting to accept my childhood for what it was and move on from that too. And they simultaneously refuse to acknowledge what they did to me and refuse to forget how terrible and ungrateful i acted when i was a teenager. im 22 now and they still treat me like i'm the same traumatized kid living under their roof.

[jj-alone]

it took a global pandemic for my parents to start acting like parents. to check up on me, start a conversation, and to start responding to me. a world wide crisis for my parents give a fuck if i'm safe and healthy. the last year i lived states away and always was the one to text first, make an effort at communicating, trying to stay in touch, and trying to facetime regularly. as soon as i stop giving a shit they magically want to act like they care about me. Why are emotionally neglectful parents so clingy when you're an adult and begin realizing you don't need them?

[jj-alone]

i wish i knew why my mind was so empty. it could be no one bothered to fill it with useful knowledge. only self-hatrad and worthlessness. only my parents issues and nothing further. it runs in the family. it must run inside me too.

(4/18/2020)

thoughts on why i feel like i'm nothing