jmykylam

[jmykylam]

Your voice holds power.

This week during chapel Michael Caruso did a talk on the lessons he's learned throughout his HTS journey. He had everyone stand and say "My voice holds power."

I am so grateful for the ability to impact 1 human being in their journey through my work as a teacher. Garrett Gee said "There are people in this world who are doing exactly what they are meant to do in this world." I truly feel like I am exactly where I should be.

Whether it is an SEL lesson where I get to share my stories with 6A or an assembly talk or chapel - I want to practice being able to OWN my voice and not be afraid to stand out.

Sharing my story and my experiences through the vessel of art is such a beautiful way to teach the kids things about themselves and a different way to look at the world.

I vow to not hold back when it comes to sharing my thoughts and lessons - to be the best version of myself and focus on bettering myself as an educator and the lives of my students within my capacity.

[jmykylam]

[jmykylam]

I always thought I would be with someone who loved climbing mountains, travelling the world and ambitious in his endeavours. I think more than anything - is now realizing the different forms that can come in. My husband is ambitious and adventurous, yet so grounded. He loves nature - but listens to his body and is not a sleep in a tent type of guy. My lover is my best friend, and I am so lucky to share my world with him, and him with me. He rubs my belly in the middle of the night when I'm in pain, and feels the pain with me. He tells me things I don't want to hear, but is also learning to say things he normally would not say because it brings me comfort and joy. We fight, but have conversations to better understand eachother after and grow. He is not afraid to feel uncomfortable, and reminds me that everything will be okay - just through his presence.

[jmykylam]

This morning as I came back from my much needed yoga class at Green Room Yoga Studio, getting ready to check out of my lovely ladder-climbing, plant filled, hippie-dippie dreamlike Airbnb - I met another couple who was also checking out.

The gentleman was a tall, dark-haired, scruffy mountain-climber looking man. He had a shy demeanour, wearing a blue Patagonia thin jacket, and walking around, quietly poking at the books on the shelves. The woman- lets call her "Mya", exotic tanned skin, wearing a one shoulder halter leopard skin tank-top and high pony tail - humming and burning incense around the house as she greeted me with a warm and energetic hello.

I asked the couple, "So where are you guys coming from?" - "Everywhere, and nowhere." she answered, in a Namaste-like tone.

I found it pretty cool to meet backpackers, and those with a sense of adventure and wonder - travelling the world, not knowing where home really is.

Then there was Lanny, the Airbnb co-host. A 23-year old university drop-out preparing to go plant trees and go back to studying Outdoor Recreation Management. I was inspired by his determination to find something he loved to do, but the wisdom to know that he would be finishing this program once and for all.

I think another reason for this solo-trip was for me to fulfill that sense of adventure in me- and the long wanting to travel alone and "see the world". As I dive into my next chapter - whether it be in my marriage or possibility of motherhood, I also wanted to be able to do this trip before not having the opportunity to do so. Here are my key takeaways:

I always imagined happiness to look like the life of Mya for myself. Backpacking the world and not knowing where the next destination would be. I've come to realize how happy I am in my routine, career and for lack of better words "settlement and stability"

I enjoy having a routine, and having a place to call home. As cheesy as it sounds, I think home is wherever Shane is. I feel pretty lucky to have a life-partner to journey through life with.

The sense of adventure and wonder does not have to lie within a whole lifestyle around travelling. I am able to practice adventure through taking classes on my own, travelling to a new city on the weekend, going to a concert etc.

I am stronger than I know. Waking up alone for 3 nights and finding my way through a new city - although very similar to Toronto, was quite doable. Now, I wonder how much more challenging it'd be in a completely different country but hey, that's for the next adventure.

Solo-trips allow you to gain perspective, trust yourself more, and build independence.

Overall, I am so happy I decided to take this trip and as I was telling Dixita - solo-traveling can happen within group trips where I decide to go off and do my own things even though I am not on my own the whole time. The theories of integrative thinking keep coming up time and time again - it doesn't have to be one or the other, why not both?

[jmykylam]

Let us be eager to leave what is familiar for what is true.

Francis Chan

[jmykylam]

Communication Barriers

Maybe our parents don't know why they feel the way they do either. Maybe it is our job or rather a good idea for us to let them know how we feel.

I understand now how Chi must have felt.. and having to communicate it to Dad when she was not happy with his actions and words. "I want you to know that I care about you a lot, and but when you project your anxiety onto me, or say things that I do not have control over - I feel anxious as well."

Through those arguments and watching my parent's reactions and responses change over time helps to remind me that although arguments and challenges are tough in the moment, with challenge comes change.

I am grateful for the opportunity to communicate with my parents and also have them reciprocate the want to be better.

[jmykylam]

Solo Trip to Vancouver

To be with myself, to go where I want to go, to eat what I want to eat and to be okay with not having the company of others.

As a people pleaser and someone who grew up with a lot of siblings - I started to realize more and more as I got older, how rarely I had the opportunity to, or rather practiced the art of being on my own.

Now married, and attached to the hip of Shane and soon thinking of starting a family- alone is an idea that I feel at times privileged to not really experience. Compromising and making decisions as a team became a natural act for me in the past 5 years being with Shane. Inspired by Adisha and Nimisha's solo trips, I knew deep down that I would need to do it for myself at least once.

Something that was different for me to experience this time around was being aware of the feeling of guilt that I had felt in the past when I went on cruise or to my honeymoon with Shane. In the past I felt a lot of guilt because I felt as though mom and dad wasn't able to experience the things I was able to.

This time around, I realized that I have permission to experience good things and that it is not my responsibility to make my parents happy. I can take them on all the trips, and buy them as many gifts as they think would make them happy - but happiness truly comes from within.

As dad dropped me off to the airport - for some reason I had very few words. There is this sense of suspension in the air - due to the debts and financial struggles the family is going through. All I can do is help where I can, and set the boundaries for myself.

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Today I rented a bike and rode it around the seawall around Stanley Park. It truly felt like a dream, and the sight was just absolutely unreal. I am worthy of experiencing these moments, for me and not anyone else.

[jmykylam]

Time spent alone vs. loneliness

"In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself,"

I'm finding myself staying in more these days and spending more time alone. I am also really looking forward to the Vancouver and the solo trip in a couple of weeks.

I think something I am trying to figure out is why I feel less inclined to call people, and hang out with them or whether or not it's just my energy balancing itself out. After a long day with the kids, I am enjoying evenings alone with a drama or movie on.

I came across a post that showed statistics of how as adults we spend less and less time with family and friends as we get older. I think it naturally comes with autonomy and independence to do this, and although at first instinct it felt like a sad thing, maybe it isn't so sad.

I spend less time with family because I am learning to draw my boundaries and lean on other support systems for energy. I am spending less time with many groups of friends because my energy is also more limited than before.

How do we continue to focus on ourselves while maintaining important relationships as we get older?

[jmykylam]

Gratitude

I am grateful for my job that allows me to understand the world around me through the eyes of young children growing up in a world completely different than I did.

I am grateful for a funny, thoughtful, reflective and caring husband who shows me what love is in ways I did not recognize before.

I am grateful for self-awareness, and the ability to recognize the trauma I have experienced but the choice to set boundaries and take care of myself regardless of the expectations family had imposed onto me growing up.

I am grateful for the opportunity to shape young minds, and influence them in any way possible, while reflecting on my own journey and identity.

[jmykylam]

My evolving Ikigai ... changed yet the same.

From being a child which seems like not long ago, to entering and experiencing an 6 year career working with children.

Starting in early childhood education, and working in daycares - I've always loved working with young children. Their sense of innocence, and curiosity are so pure and the love and affection they show you is truly heartwarming.

I then graduated teachers college, and coming out of school - I worked in a tutoring centre as an Education Coordinator where I worked one on one with children and truly enjoyed seeing their growth academically.

At SHS, I worked with children from JK-Grade 8 in different roles. Being in a space where children can be creative, and learn more about themselves through art was a true blessing for me.

Now moving to a new space and organization, I've been feeling definitely more rested, and questioning my love and ability to work with just middle school. I see the primary students in the hallways and have a true feeling of emptiness that I cannot work with them. I think I still am learning how to connect with these girls and boys - it's only the first week so let's give it some more time!

Pros: Middle school is more manageable, schedule-wise, ability-wise and independence. My body thanks me especially during a time where my hormones are out of whack..

[jmykylam]

Radical Acceptance

The ability to truly understand and accept a circumstance you cannot change.

[jmykylam]

Ikigai

I K I G A I: A Japanese term that means "the reason to live" made up of iki for life and gai for reason.

In todays workshop with Ziyaan Virji. I was so inspired by his story of how he became a philanthropic entrepreneur at 15 years old with having had a lot of trouble with school. He saw the need for education around menstruation in women all over the world and has been able to help thousands of women with resources and supplies for their menstruation. I was able to talk a bit to him after and talk to him about my ideas for non-profit work aorund the mental health space.

Main takeaways:

Think big because if you don't, someone else will.

Everyone has self-doubt but you have to give it your all before giving up on your IKIGAI

The role of educators and adults are so important in the development of our future generations - we are shaping the minds of young minds to be capable, creative, compassionate, innovative and confident thinkers.

[jmykylam]

Communication and Relationships

Holy macaroni, what a weekend it was after celebrating Mario's birthday at Dave and Buster's. A couple of triggering moments ended up in a loud car ride home.

As I finish off my second year into marriage, I can say with confidence that I truly understand what long-time couples mean when they say that the key to a strong relationship is COMMUNICATION.

Now, the problem is, COMMUNICATION is such a big idea filled with so many specific "techniques" and "skills." The cool thing I think about a reflective and compassionate marriage is that we are constantly proving eachother wrong in moments of emotional outburst.

Key takeaways from this weekend:

Triggers are sometimes necessary to unveil a deeper issue within a relationship. Whether we choose to dig deeper and understand the other person is sometimes the determining factor of whether or not a relationship can last.

Having a deeper understanding of how childhood trauma shapes and conditions us to be who we are, allows us to see the world, our relationships and ourselves in a different way.

I feel as though without my understanding of childhood trauma, I can easily live "a lie" and build a relationship without the understanding that the people we've become was never completely in our control!

I am grateful for the connections I've made in the past, that led me to understanding childhood trauma. I am grateful for my husband who although a lot of the time comes across as clueless and unaware, is filled with kindness, patience, and compassion even through the things he was conditioned to believe and do. I am grateful for my never ending motivation to grow and better understand myself. I am grateful for a job that forces me to practice empathy, compassion, and connection.

NTS: In moments of challenge and dispute, dig deeper to understand the true issue behind what's going on. Take time to breathe and process before making rash decisions and TRUST YOURSELF, through and through.

[jmykylam]

It is one of the unexpected disasters of the modern age that our new unparalleled access to information has come at the price of our capacity to concentrate on anything much. The deep, immersive thinking which produced many of civilization's most important achievements has come under unprecedented assault. We are almost never far from a machine that guarantees us a mesmerizing and libidinous escape from reality. The feelings and thoughts which we have omitted to experience while looking at our screens are left to find their revenge in involuntary twitches and our ever-decreasing ability to fall asleep when we should.

Alain de Botton, Religion for Atheists: A Non-Believer's Guide to the Uses of Religion

[jmykylam]

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.

Harold J. Smith

[jmykylam]

Letting the feelings pass through me

"When I was a child Every single thing could blow my mind Soaking it all up for fun But now I only soak up wine"

As I get older I find myself finding escape and breaks from reality in ways that may not be so healthy for my body. It's so easy to pick up that glass of wine, or joint and make it a habit. I listened to this podcast recently of a woman who has been smoking marijuana since Grade 10. She is now in her 40s and has finally quit smoking after attending "marijuana's anonymous" and identifying as an addict. She was to the point where she could fully function at work high.

One thing that really hit me was when she said that she could now take walks, have a meal and watch a movie without being high and how fulfilling it is to know that she was ENOUGH, without the weed. To simply enjoy food, and company without the lifted experience. Don't get me wrong, a close friend of mine says "life is too ghetto to be sober all the time" and I agree. I just think in this moment and time, I need to practice the latter..

[jmykylam]

Dance

Dear Dance,

It's been a while since I've felt you and lived you the way I used to. After not dancing formally for 7 years I felt like it was too far long for me to get back into the scene again. I felt like I was too old to learn again, and to be quite frank I was just afraid to look stupid dancing. So silly right?

In January I decided to jump back in without those worries in mind. I met up with other dancers I haven't seen in a long time, and learned that it was not so uncommon to take a break from a hobby. I'm so happy I decided to come back, and grateful to have dance back in my life. More than that, I'm learning to do things because it makes me happy, and as long as it's not at the cost of anyone else's demise - that's all that should matter.