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joelmiller321 · 5 months ago

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the abandonment|| Joel miller 📚😫🥵

part 4

Natalina's pov

i wake to beeping. where am i? i open my eyes and see im in medical? what happened? last i remember was me not getting the baby aborted. i groan "ow" feeling the pain. "darlin" joel. i turn and see him. his hair a mess his eyes have bags underneath them. worry within them. i smile and say "hey" kissing him softly at an attempt to try and get back to normal. our normal. he melts into me and then pulls away "darlin?" confused.

i sigh "so we're done then? why am i here?" he pauses "done? no darlin. i just...don't see why you'd wanna kiss me with everything goin on...wait...you don't remember?" i ask "remember what?" he tells me "you left here. like left left. bags and all while...pregnant. you got hurt and i found ya. i thought you'd be screamin and kickin me out...not kissin me...that's why i pulled away. not because i don't wanna kiss ya"

fuck he knows. fuck. "where ya ever gonna tell me? about the baby?" he questions. i reply "when was i supposed to be able to joel? at the dinners you never showed up to? the dates you stood me up at? when you snapped at me to tell you later and that whatever i needed to tell you wasn't important enough for you? if i was able to go through with it...there wouldn't even be a baby to tell you about. i realized just how little i meant to you. i needed you. wanted you. you might've thought i was pushing you away but i was holding on for dear life joel. i just needed you to need me back. for more than sex. you went from loving me and not being able to get enough to making me feel like a live in whore for you to use whenever you needed a release. i'd just...lay there and hold onto you because that's the only time you'd even touch me or pay any mind to me. the baby deserves more than a broken relationship with a broken mother and a uncaring father."

he looks broken. shattered. "lina i...im so fuckin sorry. i had no idea. i'm sorry" he's crying.

joel's pov

i feel disgusting. like i raped her. how could i let this happen and go on like this? how could i break the woman i love like this and not even notice? she was going to have an abortion. that's how far i pushed her. how do i fix this? can i even fix this? i ask "what stopped you from doing it? the procedure? i know how you feel about this with your upbringing darlin"

"i saw him or her...on the monitor. i fell in love with the baby. and...dr Hayes...she said it's a miracle im even pregnant. all the damage i took on the road...the injuries...it damaged me joel. if i aborted...i might never get pregnant again" she sniffles. fuck. i reach to wipe her tears and she moves away and does it herself and i nod and drop my hand. "the worst part of all of it for me is seeing you with her. every day. laughing. smiling. touching. getting closer and closer. you spend your whole day with gina and can't even spare me a conversation." she tells me.

i tell her "nothings ever happened with me and gina. nothings ever gonna happen with her and i. there isn't a her and i. she's my partner at work. so we do spend a lot of time together. and i'm sorry i didn't make time for you. for us. i was so wrapped up in making this the safest place it could be for us. you, ellie, me. and now...this baby. i took extra shifts at patrol to keep any possible dangers out. took on more build projects so we can expand this place to make it more of a home for you. i did it all for you. and in the process i was losing you and didn't even see it. darlin i know i got no right. but i'm gonna ask anyway. i know we're broken right now. and i got a lot to make up for and to fix. but i want to. i want to fix this. i want us to have this baby that's one thing. and i want to do it together. and i want to spend this pregnancy beside you and winning you back. i want to be the man you're happy to be with. the man you don't have to hold onto for dear life and cry during intimacy with. i want to be the man you trust and can say these things to. i wanna be the man that brings you flowers home and makes time for you and eats dinner with you and to show up to dates as i should've always been. please darlin. let me earn your trust back."

"darlin?" i ask at her silence. she's zoned out. "Lina?" i ask. she winces and mutters "i remember what happened out there" shit "okay darlin take it easy." i say softly. and she says "we can work on it joel. but you'll only have this one chance. one. then that's it. well co parent the baby but i can't be the woman that beats at a dead horse and be that example for our baby." i nod understanding and she says "i want em to have better than i did. we need to be better joel" a tear falling and i move to wipe it and pause and she takes my hand

i wipe the tear from her face "i swear on my life we'll be better. but darlin you gotta work with me here too. yes i fucked up. beyond fucked up. but you didn't even tell me how ya were feelin. i can't read ya mind sweetheart. you gotta communicate with me. especially when it comes to sex. it's your body and your choice. you don't gotta have sex with me when ya truly don't want to. i feel like i raped you. and that...god darlin that fuckin hurts more than anything. you started cryin and i asked you. what you wanted. what you needed and you lied to me. you should've told me to leave ya alone. to stop."

she replies "it's the only time i could have you joel." sniffling. "and that's on me. you feelin like that is my fault. but givin me access to your body when you truly didn't want to...fuck" i say. she sniffles "im sorry" i kiss her forehead "dont apologize. just communicate with me lina. how you feel no matter how good or bad or how it might hurt me. tell me so i know and i can do better. so i can help you." she replies "i don't want you to feel like you raped me" i tell her "i don't know how else to feel about it darlin. i don't. and i know it wasn't your intention. i had sex with you thinkin you'd just say no if you didn't want to but i should've known. been able to tell what state you were in. but i wasn't able to because i...i abandoned you. us. and lost my ability to read you along the way darlin. and i'm sorry" she nods "both have work to do huh?" i nod "only if you want to" "i already said you have one shot" she says and i nod and say "i wont blow it"

part 5

#joel miller #cordyceps #pedro pascal #the last of us #tlou hbo #joel tlou #the last of us fanfiction #pregnant #angst with a happy ending #hurt/comfort

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joelmiller321 · 5 months ago

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Does anyone want to be on a tag list? if so comment and lmk which book!

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joelmiller321 · 5 months ago

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the abandonment|| Joel miller 📚😫🥵

part 3

Natalinas pov

i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't. so here i am on horseback, with a rifle and my clothes in a bag with some no. perishable food. i keep my eyes peeled for any sort of danger as me and blossom go. blossom tires out so i get off her back and start to walk. the snow starts to really stick in this time. blossom freaks out, me on her back again after giving her a break, when a bullet hits a tree in front of her. fuck!

she bucks me off and i wince at the pain, making sure to land on my back. i get up and calm her a bit and tie her to a tree and keep my eyes peeled. another bullet. i shoot back seeing where they're hiding. i hit the target perfectly. is there another? i wince as i feel my shoulder rip open. a graze. i fight the pain raising my gun and finding the guy and kill him too. what i don't notice is a third running to me. he tackles me knocking my gun from my hand in the process and we fight. he chokes me his hands roaming my body "could share ya with the others. so god damn pretty ya are" licking my face. i take the time to bite his tongue and he releases me and he shouts mouth bloody and leaking "YOU BITCH!"

as i stand tiredly "cmon" i say motioning him over with my fingers. he flips out a knife and smirks "im gonna enjoy what we got planned for you doll face" i say "gonna enjoy watching the light leave your eyes" he runs and i dodge the knife. eventually knocking it from his hand and down the hill we're above. i take every hit everywhere but my stomach. dodging it when he tries. he doesn't seem to notice. but he pushes me and i lose my footing. i grab onto his jacket as i fall down the embankment. he takes the fall harder and i make sure of it. i wince out of breath at the pain im in. my vision blurred. my head hurting. i reach up and touch it. blood. i gotta be covered in it by now. i also notice my jacket is cut on my sleeve too...he did get me with his knife. i didn't notice. i hear wheezing. i see his knife as he moves to crawl over me. his hands around my throat again as i flick it open. i slit his throat. his blood all over me. i move him off of me and try to move. it hurts too much. the snow continues to fall and all i can do is curl into myself. having used all my energy. fighting to stay awake. i shiver and shake knowing i let my baby down. we're going to die out here. "Lina?!" joel?

joel's pov

i fount two dead guys. freezing me in worry. "lina?!" i call hoping for a call back. anything. i lead the horse and freeze seeing blossom tied against a tree. i get off my horse and tie it to the tree too. seeing lina's stuff with her still. i look and see a scuffle happened. blood. there's blood here. god damn it! "lina?!" i say looking around wildly. then i see it...toward the bottom of the embankment. her. i run. i kneel beside her shivering body. she's covered in blood. she's only got about an hour and a half away from our walls. she's not on a route we take for patrol. it was planned but we never actually went. her lips are blue. i grab her "lina? lina? baby wake up. it's me joel. open your eyes for me darlin" i beg. she speaks "joel?" but goes limp. fuck! she's gonna be hypothermic at this rate. can the baby even take something like that? baby. from the looks of it she fell. i then see the other body with her. a man. they attacked her and she had to fend for herself. because i...i made her do this.

"i'm here darlin" givin her my hat and my heavier coat. to warm her up, a bit. i kiss her blue lips hoping it'll help. the warmth. i pick her up and she groans in her unconsciousness. i mutter "i know darlin" i find a easy way back up to the horses and get on mine with her. mine is faster. we'll get blossom back later. i take a second to mark it on a map. for tommy to do. i'm not leaving her side. i make it to jackson in half the time it took me to find her with how fast i push the horse to go. i jump off and tommy asks "is she okay?!" tommy and her, despite her and me being together never grew close. Lina is quite a bit younger than me. people judge and we never cared. finding solace in each other. tommy judged. lina is 30. i say "i don't know" and rush her to medical. dr Hayes says "what happened to her? you do know her pregnancy is very fragile right?" i question "what do ya mean by that?" hating that i don't know. hating that she didn't tell me, that she felt like she couldn't. she says "joel it's a miracle she's even pregnant right now with the state of her reproductive organs. please i'm going to need you to stand outside so we have room to work" what's wrong with her reproductive organs?

lina's had it rough. even before the outbreak. she was just a kid and havin to fend for herself. her ma wasn't shit. her father bailed. a hand touches my shoulder "cmon joel there's nothin to do for her in here" tommy. i reluctantly let him drag me into a chair outside her door. doctors coming and goin. he asks "wanna tell me what's been goin on with you both Joel?" i ask "tommy?"

he says "ya work yourself ragged almost panicked like. always with that girl gina that got heart eyes for ya. and ya almost never seem to be with the woman ya claim to me ya love every day. her presence more and more scarce. avoiding me. maria. anyone but ellie that got ties to ya. what's goin on joel" i start off "gina don't got heart eyes for me tommy. and even if she did i wouldn't give a shit. claim? i love her. i do. i've just been busy tommy. busy protectin this place. building it up when it starts to fall apart. for her. for them" he says "you're afraid to look away for a second and this place fall. joel trust me when i say this place ain't goin nowhere any time soon. when was the last time ya took ya lady out for dinner? the last time you actually made it to a dinner she made for ya? tellin by the tupperware we been getting anonymously it's been a few months" has it been? fuck. my silence is answer enough for him to keep going "you say what you're doing is for her. for them. but the best thing you can do for anyone you care for is actually being there in their lives joel"

i tell him "she's pregnant" he freezes and then smiles "congrats man!" touching my shoulder and i say "and i been treatin her like shit tommy. i don't even know how it got like this. she said im losin her tommy. i woke up and she was gone. she ain't even tell me about the baby ellie did. and i get why. i haven't been receptive to talkin. busy with helpin rebuild and save those people from that tree fallin. she tried and i brushed her off. i don't even know if she even was gonna tell me bout it. if she even wanted to keep it. hell i don't even know how i even feel about this. a baby? me bein a dad again? especially in this world but i wanna support her in whatever choice she makes. even if it might hurt. it's her choice."

he says "joel jackson is safe. there's more men and women here than you to make sure it is. the safety of this place isn't just your burden to carry. your woman needs you. i know i been a...judgmental dick about your relationship. 26 year age gap man. but she makes you happy. maria still got her ideas and thoughts about it but i don't. i haven't seen ya happy since outbreak day. but she brought that outta you. joel you already are a father again. to ellie. you're made to be a dad joel ya always have been. hell i turned out okay because of ya. you and her will talk. she'll make her decision. now what you're gonna do is actually be present for ya family. you're off all your duties until you fix what ya broke. and i mean it joel"

"i can't do that just take off im Gina's partner in all this it ain't fair" i say. he says "gina will be fine. plus ive had enough seeing her trying to dig on information about your relationship to see if you're single" i say "she don't want me like that man" he laughs "man you really are blind huh? i can see why Lina had to kiss you to make you see she wanted you. but gina...you...the way yall are ain't a good look man." "how we are? we ain't nothin but people that work together" i huff.

he says "she's all over you. you guys spend every waking moment together from what i gather. you don't even spend time with your girl from what ive seen and you just told me. it honestly looks like you two are a couple and are flirting on the job joel. no wonder lina feels like leaving" before i can reply the door opens "Joel she's stable" dr Hayes says. i sigh in relief "and the baby?" she smiles "is a fighter it seems. he or she is perfectly okay." "what's her injuries" i ask. "she was grazed and has stitches in her shoulder. she's going to bruise a lot. her arm got cut and has some more stitches. and she has a head injury as well. she's got a concussion from it atleast i'll be able to know and study her more once she wakes up. most of the blood wasn't even hers. she's got lucky joel. she's a fighter just like that baby of yours" she tells me. she's going to be okay. she tells me "she's also hypothermic. so we're keeping her warm and medicated for it" i ask "is that safe for the baby?" the meds. she nods "perfectly so" and adds "you can see her now" and i walk in the room and see her. she's got bandages on her arms. one on her head too from the wound she got there too. she's got an iv. i ask tommy "can you get ellie? she'll want to see her" he nods "on it. think about what i said joel" i nod and take Lina's hand. "im here darlin. i know...i messed up. majorly. and that i'm losin ya. but i'm here. i ain't leavin ya. so please just wake up" beeping form her heart monitor. that's it.

part 4

#joel miller #cordyceps #pedro pascal #the last of us #tlou hbo #the last of us fanfiction #joel tlou #angst with a happy ending #hurt/comfort #pregnant

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joelmiller321 · 5 months ago

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the abandonment|| Joel miller 📚😫🥵

PART 2

natalina's pov

i wake up...alone...again. pain pings in my heart. bile up my throat. shit. i get out of bed putting on a shirt and shorts and go to the bathroom and i throw up. clutching my stomach. i'm running out of time. i need to go to the doctor and get the abortion. "ma" ellie calls softly coming in. she asks brushing my dark hair out of my way "are you okay?" i nod "yeah. i'm okay. it's normal with the pregnancy" she nods and says "he left again didn't he" joel. pain.

"ma you don't deserve this" she says softly "everything is fine ellie. it'll be okay" i reply. she tells me "he's hurting you" i know ellie. i know. my heart isn't ready to give up. i send her a smile "im fine ellie. there's nothing wrong" she tells me "stop trying to lie for him" as i brush my teeth and head back to bed. she says "get dressed and out of bed ma. you can't just sit here. can get your mind off of it" i just want to suffer alone right about now. think about this. what's going on.

do i just go and abort it and then tell joel? do i tell him im pregnant and not keeping it? would he even care? would he be happy about this choice? will he be mad i'm pregnant to begin with? i tell her "i have the day off. i want to just be here and think for a bit ellie. i can't just think about me anymore." she nods "want company" i smile at my sweet girl "go have fun with your friends baby." she kisses my head "if you need anything...reach out ma. you and joel might be in a weird spot. and he might be an asshole. but you're not alone in this. you have me" i nod and tell her "i will" though i know i probably won't.

she nods and looks at me and i tell her "go. have fun. tell me all about it later baby" and with that she's gone. i wait a bit and decide i'm going to go find joel. pull him to the side and just tell him. hope for a conversation about it. the baby. or just straight up tell him i'm not keeping it. i can't do this alone. pregnancy. raising a child. i lived my life with a single mother. and a barely there father. and her shitty boyfriends. i can't repeat the cycle. i won't.

fucks sake i had a full blown panic attack seeing the plus sign on that stick thinking about how joel and i are. what bringing a child into it will be like.

i walk outside and down the street. i see him. he's with her. but they're talking rushing. if i don't do this now...i don't think i ever will. i walk over "joel can we talk?" his eyes meet mine "not now darlin" pain. i let him know "it's important joel. okay?" he asks "can we talk about whatever it is later. i gotta deal with somethin important" i reply "i'd like to talk now joel"

he says "darlin please! can we just talk later? i have to go. i'll see you at home" i say weakly "okay" upset. sadness in my every bone. "darlin" he sighs. i shake my head "whatever it is you got going on now with her is more important than what i gotta talk to you about. i heard you loud and clear joel."

he sighs "darlin that ain't what i meant and ya know it" "it is. it always is joel. i have to go" i say and leave him there despite his protests. he doesn't come after me. she calls for him and he goes with her. he doesn't care. about me. and he wouldn't care about a baby that would come from me either. everything else is more important than me. than us. our relationship. why would i want to bring a child into something like that?

i go to the medical building. Dr Hayes smiles "hey Natalina. wasn't expecting you. is everything alright with the baby?" i tell her "i want an abortion." we've never even done a sonogram. just a blood test to confirm pregnancy and how far along i am. she offered one but i didn't want to see a baby i didn't even know if i wanted to keep or not. it's not fair or right for me to bring a baby into this. a world like this. with two parents that don't even speak to one another but fuck every night. born to a father that will find everything else more important. he's been doing it to ellie. he's been doing it to me.

the only person he doesn't do it too is tommy and that's because they work together sometimes. and they've spent so much time apart. she says "what? are you sure? does joel-" i cut her off "joel doesn't matter here dr Hayes. it's my body and my choice. i want the baby gone. i had no right keeping it around this long in this world. in this life" she touches my shoulder "shh it's okay. breathe. come with me i'll do it" i nod and follow her in the back. i'm soon changed out of my clothes in sirrups. she moves the gown to my stomach and i say "what are you doing?" knowing how abortions work.

"i'm making sure you're sure you're not about to make the biggest mistake in your life. you want to be a mother and i can tell how you touch your stomach when in deep thought." she tells me. "stop it" i say hearing the heartbeat. it's so small. she tells me "wow" after a minute. and i look at the screen "what?" i ask and pause. my little blob. my baby. my child. my heart beats out of my chest seeing it. love fills my heart in a way i've never known possible.

she says "it's a wonder you're pregnant with the scarring i see. i've never seen someone with this much damage successfully carrying a child this old. it'll be a miracle if you could get pregnant again after this if you go through with this" a tear falls...then another. and another. then i'm sobbing into my palms.

i want to be a mother. not like this. not like mine. alone. if i don't...i may lose the chance to being one forever. "Natalina do you need me to call for joel?" she asks softly. i shake my head sniffling "no. he doesn't know. he's busy" standing and wiping myself off and putting back on my clothes "natalina are you and joel okay? do you need help?" she asks softly. i reply "it's fine. everything is fine. it has to be fine" with a fake smile. i wipe another tear and grab the prints she made of the baby. and leave her worried and shocked face.

i pause seeing him with Gina again. carrying wood as they always tend to a smile on both their faces. i scoff to myself and return home and change back into my bed clothes. hiding the sonogram pictures in my nightstand drawer. i touch my stomach softly "it's just us now i guess" exhaustion hits and i fall asleep.

i wake to a dip in the bed and i hear "darlin?" whispered. i ask "what?" he says "i'm ready for that talk" his voice soft. i reply "forget it. it's not important" he turns on his lamp and asks "it sounded like it was" i reply "you said it wasn't so it isn't. it's fine" his eyes soften "that's not what i meant darlin. a tree collapsed and people got hurt so we got called to help at that moment." he asks "what did you want to tell me that was so important?" he won't and doesn't care. i shake my head "it's nothing" he strokes my hair "im sorry for how i spoke to you earlier darlin" i nod "okay" he kisses me. and like routine. we have sex. he's thrusting grunting into my neck. you're just a wet hole for him.

this baby deserves more

he doesn't want this baby

he's going to ask you to abort it

he's going to hate you for being pregnant

you shouldn't be pregnant

before i can stop them tears fall. down my face and onto his. he freezes. shit. he sits up and stops his movements "darlin are you okay? did i hurt you? do ya want me to stop?" i shake my head "they're good tears" wiping them with a fake and fragile smile. he says "darlin you're still cryin. let me just" and he goes to move.

if you lose him this way he'll really be gone and never touch you again.

soon he'll stop coming home to you at all

i pull him into me making him groan "darlin stop you're cryin" he says softly. i kiss him softly pouring whatever's left of my heart into it. i mutter "don't stop. please joel. just don't stop" he asks "are ya sure darlin? i don't wanna hurt you" he has been for a while now. i nod "yes" i pull his face back into my neck as he fucks me into the bed as tears fall me moaning slightly here and there for him. my eyes on the ceiling doing what i can to keep him. he grunts "fuck" filling me with his warmth.he pulls out and i roll over and before i can stop the words "joel?" he asks "yes darlin?" i admit "you're losing me" and i fall asleep again.

joel's pov

i freeze at her words. i'm...losing her? i know i haven't been around recently. and been dropping the ball a lot especially today. how did it get this bad? how can i make it right? i love her. she's the love of my life. i can't lose her. i can't. "what do you mean darlin?" i ask. she cried during sex. she's never done that before. ever. "darlin?" i ask at her silence and peek over. she's sleeping. she's been tired a lot seemingly. i table the conversation about what she said for tomorrow. deciding to take the day off for us to talk about it. to fix it. to get her to tell me what was important to her today. i truly didn't mean what i said the way it sounded. people were hurt real bad. trapped. three died. it was a shit show and a mess and they needed us and the hands quickly. and i spent all day fixing the damage. i kiss her temple and head to sleep myself.

i wake the next morning early as ever to a cold bed. she's never up this early. she's got work today at the stables but it's never this early. ellie's got patrol with dina this morning and i'm on gate duty. i ask getting out of bed and heading downstairs "Lina?" wondering if she just got a snack or something. silence. i walk out after grabbing my jacket and shoes having decided to dress for the day anyway. ellie rushes over "it's all your fucking fault" she snaps pushing at my chest. what? "ellie what's goin on?" i ask confused.

"she fucking left! and it's all your fault! you treat her like shit!" she continues to snap. i grab her shoulders "ellie what is going on?" she tells me "Ma left. she's out there! alone! fucking freezing! pregnant! if they get hurt ill never fucking forgive you joel! go get her!"

i freeze "what did you just say?" pregnant. Lina is pregnant? is that what she had to tell me? she was trying to tell me she was pregnant and i brushed her off. fuck. she says "ma is pregnant joel." i ask frantically afraid for them. the woman i love. and the baby. our baby. god i'm gonna be a dad again. "where did she go?! did she go on foot or by horse?! did she say she was going to come back?" "she had a bag joel. she said she's sorry and goodbye and she can't live like this anymore. you broke her joel. your neglect. the fact that you talk to and see that cunt gina more than her. it broke her. you did that to her. if they get hurt out there....ill never forgive you." she tells me.

i reply "did she go by foot?" she tells me "she took Blossom" her beloved horse. i nod and run to the stables jumping on a horse and running out.

part 3

#joel miller #cordyceps #pedro pascal #the last of us #tlou hbo #the last of us fanfiction #joel tlou #neglect #pregnant

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joelmiller321 · 5 months ago

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Does anyone want to be on a tag list? if so comment and lmk which book!

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joelmiller321 · 6 months ago

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the abandonment|| Joel miller 📚😫🥵

in which you see joel abandoning Natalina in their relationship

part 1

natalina's pov

i wake alone naked and sigh. he's gone...again. i get in the shower and wonder how i got here. how we got here. joel and i. we got together. we were happy. everything was fine. ellie's become like my own. joel's opened up about his traumas and i did the same. we made a family. me, him, ellie. now somehow...for some reason...we only have sex. it's the only time i genuinely get to have him and feel close again. but he's gone in the morning. avoiding. he spends all day with Gina. a pretty blonde woman, out on patrols, walking around jackson. smiling, laughing. comfortable. he doesn't even try anymore.

i love him. and it's why i stay. it's why i let him touch me even though im crying on the inside. he's losing me and doesn't even seem to notice. or care. ellie's even noticed the distance. i lie to her and tell her im fine. that we both are. she's a kid. she shouldn't have to worry about our relationship or the lack of one we have now. i'm holding onto this. us. joel and i for dear life and he doesn't even seem to care. but how many cold dinners after waiting for him to come home after he's agreed to it am i supposed to take?

how long am i supposed to lay there and clutch onto him, taking his cock because it's the only piece of him he'll let me have? how long am i supposed to swallow pain seeing how much happier she makes him? how miserable i make him? but i do it and i don't know if i have much of it left in me. i really dont. i finish in the shower and dress in

i step downstairs and see ellie came in from her shed out back. she smiles and says "morning ma" i smile "morning ellie want food?" she shakes her head "already went and got some. Joel here?" i sigh "is he ever?" looking and seeing another left over dinner from last night that joel did not show up for. but he did come in late and we had sex. it's the only thing he wants me for. my heart won't let go of him even if i know i should. at this point im just his live in whore.

she sighs "i thought he was staying in today, with us?" another broken promise and now it's including ellie. i shrug "think he got busy kid." "well what did he say?" she asks. i sigh and admit "nothing. he doesn't talk to me much anymore ellie. he was gone when i woke up" she says "but you two are in love. disgustingly so. i don't know what's going on with him. but it will pass. he'll come around just wait" hope in her voice. confusion. pain in her eyes and pity with the way she's looking at me. i sigh "i don't think i have it in me to wait any longer kid" grabbing a apple to settle on.

she asks "have you told him you're..." pregnant. i'm only 4 weeks. i shake my head "ma you have to tell him. he deserves to know" why? so he can just abandon this child? i'm not even sure if i even want to keep it at this point. i don't think i should. not with the way our relationship is. not with how he's making me feel. i tell her "im not even sure i want to keep it ellie. i'm really not" i don't want to be a single mother. i've seen how it went with my mother. an abusive father in and out of our lives. her equally shitty boyfriends. i can't do it. i won't. and joel knows. i also know joel's trauma, how he lost sarah. how will he even react to this?

he's never mentioned wanting another kid. hell him coming around to ellie was like pulling teeth. "he deserves to know either way" she tells me and i sigh "i know. i gotta go."

she takes my hand "it's not safe for you to work with the horses now ma. they could hurt you" she's the only one here who would care about such a thing. i sigh "joel's not here and he's not going to be. i need to get out of this house" she nods "then i'm coming with you." i nod and we head out and walk toward the barns me eating an apple. i pause seeing him. joel. with her. smiling. "ma cmon." she calls. i see how she's touching him. smiling gripping onto his arms. leeching onto him. and he doesn't stop her. "ma don't look at that cmon" and his eyes meet mine. those eyes i fell in love with. but the man who owns them is not one i recognize anymore.

he steps forward his eyes on me still but she grabs his hand seeing me. he stops and turns to her and she says something that makes her nod and i leave before he can turn to see me if he even does.

joel's pov

i turn back to see my little family but they're gone. i sigh making a note in my head to make me being busy up to them. there's been a lot going on. more raiders. more construction for this place. more. more. more. Gina has been assigned as my partner in it all. having skill in it. she's kind. funny, and makes the day go by easier. that's it. i missed another dinner with Lina. i bet she's pissed with me. seems to be a common occurrence these days. i love her.

Natalina is the best thing to have ever happened to me. truly. she makes me want to be a better man. ellie and i met her on the road to the fireflies. ellie begged me to let her stay. she did get hurt saving my life. listening to ellie is the best decision i've ever made. and slowly...i fell in love with lina. ellie and lina healed me. in a way i never thought i deserve or was possible after losing sarah.

but now...it's like they're...slipping. and i don't know how to stop it. i truly am always working. there's always something that needs fixing. always someone who needs extra hands on a patrol. i want and need this place to be the safest place for them. it's why i work so hard. why i do so much. that and maria still keeps her eye on me believing that im still that guy that did horrible shit with tommy.

i don't and catch a glimpse of her all day. i even went to the stables and Randy said she took ellie out with shimmer and her horse Leroy. damn. Gina stays at my side and talks about i don't even know what anymore. i break out of my thoughts hearing "how's Natalina" she's never brought her up before. i have. in passing. i say "she's fine why?" she shrugs "don't see you two together much anymore is all." yeah i've been busy with everyone else's wants and needs. the only time i get peace is at night and i have the time i do with her. then i wake and do it all over again when all i want to do is stay with her.

later

i sigh walking in the door and kick my shoes off "joel?" it's ellie. she's usually back to her shed by now. i smile "hey kiddo" she asks "what are you doing?" arms crossed. i say "taking off my jacket?" doing just that and hanging it up. she replies "with ma" i reply "i'm going to bed with her?" she huffs "you promised us it'd just be us today joel" i sigh "i know. im sorry. but they were a person short on patrols and i had repairs to do over at the canteen area" she asks "when was the last time you two did something? that wasn't you coming home late after breaking your word to her again and going upstairs" a while, regrettably it's been a while. but now these people are starting to actually need me. and the raiders are getting worse and worse and i just want to protect this place. which in turn protects them. she continues "you're losing her joel. i can see it in the way she's not surprised by your absence and is defeated and tired. you're losing her" what? i can't be. if she felt that way she'd tell me. she wouldn't let me have sex with her i bet too. i say "we're fine kid don't worry about it" "you two are not fine joel. she's to herself. more than ever. she needs you to be here joel" she tells me and i nod and say "get some rest kiddo" heading upstairs. i shower the grime of today off of me and head out getting dressed. she's awake. reading. i get into my side of the bed and say "how was your day?" she looks at me oddly "it was okay"

natalina's pov

it's been...i don't know how long since he's even asked that question. or even talked for that matter. he tells me "sorry about not being here today. i'll make it up to you" no he won't. he never does. he's going to be gone again when i wake up and be gone all day. i say "mm" he grabs the book closing it. he says "i will" i nod though i don't believe it "yeah" "im gonna make up for this and all those dinners you worked hard on" he tells me. stroking my cheek. this is the most we've talked. he kisses me. and i let him. he moves on top of me and i let him. he strips us both and then slides into me and i moan and let him. it's all he wants you know. gina knows him better at this point. he's only using you until they take that step. and they will. look at them together.

he grunts "fuck" his face in my neck as his hips snap to mine. my pain blocks out my pleasure in the act. i hold him to me my fingers in his longer hair as i stare at the ceiling. my body pleasured but my mind in agony. i just lay and take it as he takes what he needs from me. it's the only way i can feel close to him. he's going to leave again. and ignore you. brush you off like last week. and go to her

"i love you darlin" he grunts as a tear falls from my eye. i wipe it before he can notice. i kiss him and give a few moans so he doesn't notice something's off. realizing i've been silent for a bit. he returns to my neck kissing it and i hold him like i won't ever again. because he's going to be gone when i wake up. he's going to be with her. all day into the night doing i don't even know what. he doesn't talk. i've tried. he just doesn't. one day maybe soon he'll speak. and it'll break us. and i'll move out with a even worse broken everything and i'll be left with nothing and she'll have my everything. he grunts "cum darlin" i can't with all these feelings on my mind and in my chest. he rubs my clit and i fake it. how can i raise a baby in this? like this? if it's a girl id want her to not accept shit like this. i wish i wouldn't. joel's the first man i've trusted with me. my body. my heart. all of it. it's been just stolen and taken when i ran into bad groups and had to claw my way out but joel's my first. he showed me what love is. he grunts and finishes. he pulls out of me and kisses me "love you" but it doesn't feel like it. he doesn't act like it.

part 2

#joel miller #cordyceps #pedro pascal #the last of us #tlou hbo #the last of us fanfiction #joel tlou

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joelmiller321 · 6 months ago

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Joels everything|| Joel miller

part 4

joel's pov

we've let ellie roam around and showed her where the house is. here i am with a smile as she shows me around jackson. a smile glowing on her face. damn i missed that sight. a woman comes up "and who is this nicolette?" looking me up and down lust in her eyes. ew. i kiss my wife's cheek seeing her smile strained now jealousy in her eyes as she steps in front of me blocking the woman's view "this is my husband joel" as i wrap her in my arms. "hi" i say and she smiles "hi joel" a purr in her voice. gross. she asks "new here?" flirting.

i nod "just got in and saw that my wife was here. she's showing me around you mind?" taking my girls hand and leading her away. i kiss her softly "there ain't no reason to be jealous baby. i'm all yours." she replies "she's one of those bitches who'd call me crazy for continuing to wait for you and not move on. bitch fucks everything with a pulse and would try and send me her sloppy seconds, i'm surprised there's not a circulation of the clap going around"

i laugh and say "she ain't my type" she asks with a eyebrow raised "and what is your type huh cowboy?" i smirk my hand sliding into her back pocket squeezing her ass pulling her to my chest and she inhales sharply "well firstly...she gotta be shorter than me" she adds "what else?" "gotta be thick in the right places yknow. not all skin and bones...brunette, the prettiest set of eyes i've ever seen, and she's got a pretty and sexy, sassy mouth on her too" i list for her. and i say "and god those dimples. my type got em. freckles too. lastly she gotta my life's partner. my wife. and my darlin ain't no blonde with no tact" kissing her.

she tugs me down to her height and i squeeze her ass in her jeans. she breaks the kiss "home. now" i grin having been waiting for her to express wanting it "yeah?" "would you rather me go and find-" she starts and i huff chuckling and toss her over my shoulder and she wiggles laughing "joel!" and i slap her ass "behave. i'm takin that sweet ass of yours home" stalking toward the house.

part 5

#joel miller #tlou #the last of us #tlou hbo #ellie tlou #cordyceps #reunited #pedro pascal #fluff #smut

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joelmiller321 · 6 months ago

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joel’s everything|| Joel miller

part 3

joel's pov

i grab her hand and note her ring and smile "you have it still" "of course i do...it's one of the last things i had of you. i wouldn't have traded it even if it meant i went hungry forever" she tells me. i take off my necklace and take the ring off of it and she takes it and slides it on my finger. "why weren't you wearing it?" her eyes soft. i stop our walk and cup her face and say "i couldn't bare the sight of it. it hurt too much to think you died out there to give us more time so we could live. but i couldn't rid of it either. it became a...hurting comfort. reminded me of what i had and what could've been if i did more to stop you. if i insisted we stuck together. but it filled my heart up with so much love and also a lot of pain. not only that but i worked with my hands in the QZ. the last thing id have wanted was for it to get fucked up. i kept it at my heart. just as this picture of you"

she kisses me and tells me "i'm sorry" "never apologize. i just wish things woulda been different darlin. but we're here now. together again and that's what matters baby" i tell her. she nods and i just take her in. my god she's just...breathtaking. always was.

she asks with a soft smile on her lips "what?" i reply "you're beautiful" she rolls her eyes smiling bashful as always. she's never been good at taking compliments no matter how much i'd give them to her. she replies "let's go" and we go find ellie with maria. maria says seeing her "newcomers have a new house already" what? she says "joel's my husband they're moving with me maria. ellie we should talk" maria nods and ellie comes with us and ellie asks "moving with you? we have to leave soon" i shake my head "we can't ellie" "why? we have to do this not for us joel but everyone else" she says. i reply "it's not gonna work ellie. we're gonna stay here" "how can you possibly say that? after everything? tess?" shit.

my wife asks "who's tess?" i say "she was with us. with me" "with you how?" she asks jealousy in her voice. taking her hand away, i take it back never wanting to go without her touch again in my life. "we were partners. we lived together because it was cheaper in the qz. we smuggled together. came across ellie together. she died on the way." i explain. she asks "and you never...with her?" i admit "she wanted to. tried. but i never let it happen. tess was just a friend baby." i tell ellie "i know it ain't gonna work. we both do" "you believed it until you reunited with nicolette. which i'm happy for you joel. i really am. but you can't just throw away the thought of saving the world because of it" she tells me. i look to nicolette for help and she does "ellie i was told the same things you were. that your immunity will amount to something to a cure" ellie freezes "wait you're...holy shit"

niki nods "yeah. i grew up in labs and getting shit done i never figured out why. i cant even catch a cold anymore. then i got you know...and i didnt...i went to doctors spent years with them. getting blood taken, getting part of the cordycept that's in our brain taken hoping they could turn it into something useful. and it didnt work. it never worked. ellie they took part of mine...if you go... they might take the whole thing" "the whole thing...meaning my brain?" ellie asks. she nods "yeah. meaning you won't be here. and it'll amount to nothing. don't let them tear you apart for nothing the way i did kid. okay? stay here. where you're safe. where there's kids your age and where you can be happy" ellie looks to me and i nod and ellie nods "okay"

part 4

#joel miller #tlou hbo #pedro pascal #ellie williams #marriage #reunited #cordyceps

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joelmiller321 · 6 months ago

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Joel’s Everything|| Joel miller

part 2

joel's pov

i sigh taking a minute to take my locket out of my shirt. she got it for me. said it's for me to look at in case we're ever apart. to motivate me. the thought of her still being out there is what made me thankful i flinched when i pulled the trigger that day. god...she doesn't even know sarah's gone. it's going to break her. she's not sarah's biological mother. she might as well have been though. i was young having her. too young. i was 17 when she was born. and she...nicolette...was my best friend. sarah's mother gave birth to her and left her on my doorstep pretty much and never came back. she played mom with sarah even back then as my best friend. i've always been in love with her. i was stupid back then. worrying about if she'd even feel the same or not, when it was obvious to everyone she did. sarah was 5 when we got together and we've been together ever since. married within a year of us being together. i open the locket and my heart tightens seeing my pretty girl.

despite her face hardly being in it...it's my favorite picture i've ever taken of her. "whatcha lookin at" ellie's voice cuts through my reverie and pain of it. i close the locket and say "nothin...lets go. we gotta be close by now" we're in wyoming looking for tommy.

we end up in a cabin with a old woman. her husband comes home and they tell us about the river of death and we leave. soon we're stoped by people on horses and i almost have a panic attack when their dog sniffs at ellie. i sigh as it plays with her instead. i tell them we're looking for my brother tommy and they take us to a commune. we're walking through when i pause seeing him and i call "TOMMY!"

Nicolette's pov

another day without my other half. men in the community has tried asking me out despite the rock on my hand. they whisper about me being a widow that refuses to let go. he's not fucking dead. i know he's not...i can feel it. i can't leave. maria said if i go off i can't come back because it'll put the group at risk if im followed. i'm not religious but i say a prayer every night hoping he finds his way back to me. joel would want me to stay where im safe and know people.

i pause hearing a voice as tommy and i work in awkward silence, me not talking to him from yesterday. "TOMMY" i hear tommy leave. i know that voice. my heart climbs up my throat. ringing in my ears, sweat building on my palms. there's been many times here where i swore i saw him, heard his voice, caught a whiff of his scent. i step outside and see tommy hugging someone. i freeze where i am taking him in. it's him. "j?" i call softly afraid this is another way my mind fucks with me. he freezes and pulls away from tommy and his eyes meet min blowing my breath away. he's here.

"darlin" he sighs out his eyes watery as mine. i rush over and he does the same and my body collides with his. i grip onto his beloved jacket, crying happily, taking in his musky scent like my life depends on it "joel" i sniffle. he sighs in relief "Darlin" he pulls away cupping my face stroking my cheeks taking me in "god baby you're absolutely stunnin" a smile on his lips tears on his face and i pull him into a passionate kiss. he hums pulling me impossibly closer to him.

i break away hearing "who is she?" and tommy saying "his wife" "he's married?" a female voice asks. and tommy asks "you ain't notice the ring he got on that locket of his" i see the young girl. pale, brown hair and eyesc young...probably not even a teenager yet. and i look to joel "is she yours?" he shakes his head "no darlin. she ain't mine. i never...i would never..." i ask him "who is she?" "my name is ellie" she introduces herself "Nicolette" i say to the child. i ask "joel?" wanting some sort of answer as to what my husband is doing with a child...claiming she's not his. did he adopt her? did he meet someone else and make a promise to keep her safe?

he takes my hand "come with me...both of ya. ellie go round with maria" we end up in our bar and he says "i met ellie through the fireflies" i question "what were they doing with her?" he tells "she's...she's gotta go to this campus. she's immune. they want to make this cure. we need supplies for us to make it there" stroking my knuckles. i pull away "so you're here...found me again...and the first thing you're telling me is that you're just...leaving?" tommy says "i'll leave you two to discuss this alone" leaving us quickly. "darlin. now that i found ya...i don't wanna have you out my sight again. i truly don't. 20 years was long enough. but this...her...she can end all the infected...save this world. and that in turn would keep you safe with nothin to ever worry bout again. it ain't ideal. leavin ya." he tells me. "joel what's going to be left of the world if you're not in it? all this time i knew...i had a feeling you were still here and that was enough to keep me going. knowing you were still out there. this...trip could result in you leaving forever. if that happens i have nothing left. nothing. for every second and every hour of the past 20 years all i did was miss and miss and miss you more and more every day. i can't do that again joel" i tell him grabbing his hands and he looks at me seeing how serious i am about it.

"if this cure can be made then this...could save you...everyone" he tells me and strokes my hair behind my ear. i say "they can't make a cure joel" it's quiet. "how would you know that darlin?" "remember the life i had with my biological parents, before i was adopted after being taken away" she asks. she was adopted when she was 12. we were already friends by then. i was the one who reported those fuckers seeing how thin she got, the needle marks on her, the school did too seeing how many days she missed from school all the time, with no note from a doctor that wasn't her parents. she later came out to me saying they'd test stuff on her. "what's that gotta do with this?" i ask.

she says "i was their guinea pig. tested a lot of shit on me. it's why i never get sick. they weren't just testing me. they were making me immune. i didn't know why or for what until" she lifts her shirt and i see a bite on her side. old just like ellie's. she's immune. i trace it with my fingers softly. "i realized what it could mean. some lab has a bunch of my blood samples and used it and it did nothing. they even cut into me" moving her hair showing me a scar on her head "tested a part of my brain. tested the theory of using that to create the cure with the smallest bit they had. i was there for months. almost a year. being tested on. blood being drawn, taking pieces of the cordycept that lives in my brain... i wanted to save this world. they had the brightest minds in that room with me and yet they couldn't figure it out. nothing worked. my immunity and the time being a guinea pig...meant nothing. i can't save anyone from it. not with my blood, the cordycept that lives in my brain, none of it can help."

i ask "does anyone know else know of your immunity besides the labs?" she says "tommy" i nod "lets keep it that way yeah? you can tell ellie." "don't leave me" she begs again. she adds "if you're going i'll go with" "no...you can't, it's not safe. especially with the labs and shit knowing about your immunity" i tell her shaking my head. she replies "20 years joel. of unknowing. of grasping onto the idea you could still be alive. being so in love with you and being unable to move on. of being haunted by your ghost and our memories all night and day. 20 years of telling people i have a husband out there and for them to think im insane and widowed. i can't do it. not again. i can't sit here and just wait until you come back if you do joel." a tear falling and i wipe it hurting at her words. her hurt.

i'll never fault her for the decision she made that night. there was too many of them and sarah was hurt already. i offered to go. she made the point that i had sarah to care for. to carry. and tommy could shoot. she couldn't that well. she told me she'd find us and ran off yelling for the infecteds attention. shooting for effect. that was the last time i saw her. what she did kept tommy and sarah and i alive. though sarah ended up dying shortly after. i sigh "baby" "please..." she begs her eyes watery. grasping my hands in hers. i say "sarah..." she nods "i...i know...tommy told me...im sorry joel" "you loved and raised her too. you were the only mother she knew. she was just as much yours as she was mine baby." i tell her. i don't want her to apologize for my loss as if it's not her own as well.

she begs "stay" i nod unable to continue to say no. i missed her too much. i trust her word. hell there's proof in her scars, and her upbringing. they have less medicine and supplies than they did before when she gave herself up. which means...ellie can die. she asks "tell me about your kid joel" i sigh "she was dumped in my lap. i was promised supplies to find tommy and shit went sideways. so we had to find out own way here. she's a good kid. a little shit, a bit of a handful at times. she makes it...not hurt as much yknow" kissing her hands. "you were always made to be a dad joel. i'm not upset if that's what you're wondering. you deserve it. to be happy, and have that part of you healed" she tells me stroking my face. i say "i know im not me anymore. the me you recognize" she smiles my way "you're perfect the way you are joel" kissing me sweetly. i say "you get to know ellie...you'll love her if she lets ya. i know it's a lot and i took on this responsibility" she cuts me off "she's a part of you now joel. you love that kid. i know you probably closed off and stopped feeling during the past 20 years after i disappeared and sarah passed...but she brought that back out of you and i can tell. we're married joel. what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours. your family is my family, and vice verse."

i say "baby this is the second kid you'd be taking on that's not yours by blood...don't ya wish for that? that connection?" stroking her hair. we've talked about it before...she said she did but was content with what we had we weren't actively trying but we weren't actively avoiding the possibility of it either. we always said if it happened then it happened. we wondered why it didn't but there was nothing wrong with her or me either. we even went and did tests to see after a while. she replies "i've done it before...yes she's a bit older at this start but i bet she'd feel better with woman around to guide her. joel were older now. getting pregnant now would be dangerous. not only because of the world out there but because of our age" with a smile. she says "i'm content if you are joel" i peck her lips "baby from the looks of it...you got amazing doctors here. anything and everything a baby would need. don't gotta worry for infected for miles. i know we're older...but id love to try. i'll be here the whole way. the doctors too. raising sarah with you was a dream. doing the same with ellie will be the same...what if we...take our chances and go from there" i ramble

"cowboy...i'd love it. if we could have a baby of our own and it be safe to do so with my age. it'd be considered a geriatric pregnancy which was dangerous 20 years ago...it's even moreso now j" she tells me. i kiss her "you ain't geriatric baby. look just as you did 20 years ago darlin." she blushes "stop" "never" i tell my wife kissing her palm and ask "is that a no then?" "it's not...but it's not a yes either...it's a we'll see how it goes if it goes" she tells me and i smile and kiss her again and say "let's go tell ellie we're not going anywhere and why"

part 3

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