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Give yourself permission to feel!

It is liberating when you give yourself a permission to feel. It sounds ridiculous. Something that should be completely natural to us, has become a mystery. How to feel? When I first started to see my therapist, I would describe situations to my friends in which my therapist asked me to say how was I feeling. At those moments, I would say the words with fear and doubt in my voice, since I was not sure which feelings even exist. I would talk about that as a funny anecdote, but secretly I thought how sad and absurd it was. Me, at age of 29, could not even name which feelings there are let alone identify what I was feeling.

There is a reason for this. Only way that we were ever taught as a way of coping with emotions is suppressing them. From the earliest childhood, whatever we were feeling it was responded to with a “DON’T” command. Don’t cry, don’t be mad, don’t laugh as hard, don’t scream, don’t complain, just don’t… At first, we are tremendously hurt with that command. We cannot start to comprehend how can someone tell us how to feel. It is completely unnatural to us. But, as we are growing up, perfect human trade to adapt to everything and anything, kicks in. So we find a way to execute those “don’ts” into action. With time we learn to bury each emotion which appears within us until we start to exist only as a bunch of reactions which are guided by an autopilot. Consequences of such behavior we see on a daily basis: uncontrolled anger outbursts, depression, oversensitivity, mood swings which seem without cause… Each of these “symptoms” is then shut down with more “DON’T” commands coming from others and from ourselves. And so we find ourselves inside a vicious circle which we do not know how to break.

Fortunately, there is a simple way out and it is so simple that it seems complicated. We should give ourselves a permission to feel whatever that we feel at a particular moment. There is no such thing as “good” and “bad” emotions. There are only emotions! Emotions are important indicators about what is happening with us and what we really need. Instead of suppressing each emotion that we see as negative, we should admit to ourselves that it exists and feel through it as much as possible. This is really hard in the beginning since suppressed emotions are so accumulated in us so what we feel is really just a tip of an iceberg and the actual reason for the emotion lies deep in complicated chains of cause and consequence which was started, most likely, already in early childhood. This is why at this point we usually need help from a therapist or any other specialist for this topic. It gives us reassurance that we are not alone, that someone understands what we are going through and someone who will help us to get to the root of our reactions as soon as possible. After we clear out the accumulated burden we are starting with, we are ready to deal with absolutely everything that life throws in our way.

It is important to remember that people do not have the capability to selectively numb emotions. If numb emotions that we do not like, with time we start to numb also love, happiness, hope and all other emotions which make life worth living. So it seems that path to true happiness starts with complete acceptance of the “unhappiness” we have so diligently stored for years in the hidden parts of our soul.

In my last post, I have written about importance of staying positive and deliberately choosing positive thoughts. However, in the beginning of our journey it is even more important to admit to yourself what it is that you are really feeling even though it is not something that you like or you want to feel. This is how we get rid of that feeling that is always haunting us that we are not who we say we are, that we are not in alignment with our true self. If we regularly admit to ourselves how we feel and we act accordingly, we start to feel connected with our core self and we are giving ourselves a chance for better and happier life. Therefore, today be sad, angry, miserable and scared so you could be happy, calm, loving and hopeful for rest of your life.

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I can promise you this, you will never be bored again!

Very often you can hear from people that people don't change, that they themselves are as they are and simply cannot be different. Looking at the world around you, it is easy to believe so. We testify on a daily basis to numerous examples of people who always repeat the same thing expecting different result each time simultaneously complaining how this can be. However, if you go into deeper conversations with the ones closest to you or go and explore fascinating scenery of the Internet you will find countless opposite examples. Examples of people who now live a life they could have not even imagine five years ago, one year ago or even three months ago. And I am one of THEM.

I have to agree about one thing, people really do not change. However, there is no need for a change. Everything we need is already within us waiting for us to go on a beautiful and fascinating journey of self-discovery.

I remember first time I came to see a therapist. Nervous and with, what I thought to be, a clear idea what I want, my therapist started to talk about my TRUE SELF while I had no idea what he was talking about. What does he mean, my TRUE SELF? Was I already someone, when I was born? Those were concepts which were completely unknown to me.

First thing I googled when I came home was: „How to connect with my true self?“ Now I see that was the first step within new and exciting phase of my life which brought me to a point that I want to share my experience with you through this blog and show you that change is not only possible, but is just a blink of an eye away. The only thing you need is a desire, not for a change, but for improving your quality of life because of you and everyone you love.

When I think about my last year, I cannot believe what I went through, how much I have learned and how I transformed my life. My thoughts today, state of my mind and my heart is exponentially calmer then it was a year ago. I cannot imagine to ever again live in that way and do not understand how could I tortured myself like that. Unfortunately, what I see now as torture, I perceived then as normal life as do many even now. That is the main reason why I want to share with you my experience and show to everyone that for calmer and happier life you need only willpower. That is something we all want and that is something I want for all. And if I could achieve it, then everyone can.

Each one of us has the power to create our own personal hell or our own personal paradise. Each one of us has the power to torture ourselves with countless negative thoughts, critic, judgment and hate to ourselves or make our life easier by choosing positive thoughts, finding positive aspects of each situation we are faced with and with having self-compassion and compassion for others that we all deserve. I understand that these are really annoying sentences which cause resistance within us. I am claiming that we have the power and most people feel powerless. This is absolutely understandable reaction because we are practicing our way of life for 20, 30 or 50 years depending on how much has passed from the day we were born so we see that way as only way possible. Each lie which is being repeated on a daily basis for so many years starts to be the thruth. Therefore, it is necessary to make a decision about making our life easier because no person is comfortable with that way of living and thinking making our first few baby steps in that direction.

We are not in a hurry. We do not have a deadline by which we need to accomplish our goal, nor we know what it is. Only thing that we do know is that we do not like the current situation and that we would like to change something. And that is more than enough for the beginning of something wonderful. To quote one of my favorite books: „Recovery is not always fun, but it is always interesting!“. And isn't this what we all want from life? Eventfulness and not boredom. So, I can promise you one thing, if you decide to embark on this journey, you will never be bored again!