johnroeee

[johnroeee]

I badly need someone to lift my spirit. Need someone to save me from drowning in anxiety. Kasi hanggang ngayon, ramdam ko parin yung burden ng midterm result ko sa anatomy and for the things I did back there in Genetics.

It was not right to do that. It was never right to do that because I've not lacked of with reminders about that thing. Never siyang nagkulang sa paalala.

[johnroeee]

it's gorgeous <3

You’re not dreaming… Wildest Dreams (Taylor's Version) is OUT NOW! 🥺💙 taylor.lnk.to/wildestdreamsTV

[johnroeee]

There will probably be a massive deprogramming of my mindset for this academic year. For sure. Not the one I had during the previous semester. As far as I am concerned, that's not even one-fourth of my total capability, which could only mean one thing: I would not have made it to the cut-off. So yes, I will try my hardest this time. I will not make a promise. But I will give my best shot.  To all of my colleagues, we are all in this together. We can get past our sophomore year. Especially to my group chat friends, Janelle, Kim, Donna, Jashiele, Frances, Beia, and Seth, bear with me. I am not really vocal about expressing myself because I am stoic most of the time. But I appreciate you, guys. Your craziness is everything I asked for. I love you all and hope to see you soon.

[johnroeee]

I just needed a little break from the train of thought that was forming.

So here's my take on you.

You're a shady person.

I have really no idea who you are.

However, if this bothers you, you can always shake it off.

[johnroeee]

Don't ignore this if you're a Swiftie. Thank you.

I'll probably post a bunch of TS stuff here.

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[johnroeee]

innocent, but i am not entirely innocent in your eyes

Nasisigawan kita palagi ngunit kalaunan, kakainin din ng konsensya.

Nakakapagbitaw ng mga salita nang hindi sinasadya ngunit ako pa rin ang sasaktan.

Nais ko sanang humingi ng tawad ngunit ako'y pinangungunahan ng hiya.

Inaaamin kong may kasalanan ako sa nangyari. Ngunit may kasalanan ka rin dahil binigyan mo ako ng rason para sa ikapuputok ng buchi ko.

♫ Did some things you can't speak of But at night you live it all again ♫

Hindi ko intensiyon na saktan ka sa ganitong paraan. Kaya natitiyak kong ang ginawa ko ay mananatili sa iyong isip. Anumang gabi, babangungutin ka nito.

♫ Time turns flames to embers You'll have new Septembers Every one of us has messed up too, ooh, ooh Minds change like the weather I hope you remember Today is never too late to be brand new Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♫♫♫

Dalangin kong makahingi ng tawad sa'yo bago pa mahuli ang lahat sa atin. Mahal kita.

P.S. do not repost

[johnroeee]

this is me trying

It's been over a month since my last Tumblr update. What I wrote in my journal on April 26th is the same post I'm writing today. The second semester is more difficult because I am beginning to doubt myself more often. Is what I'm doing sufficient? Do any of my academic achievements make any sense? Every effort I make seems to be a complete failure. My most recent performance in one of my semester's subjects failed for the second time. Or, at the very least, did not make it to the target.

♫ I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying ♫

("this is me trying" is one of the most underappreciated tracks on Taylor Swift's eighth studio album, folklore. It was a surprise album that was released on July 24, 2020, by Republic Records).

I am sincerely striving to be the best version of myself. I'm doing my hardest to be at my best whatever the circumstances. Siguro, John Roe will always be John Roe.

P.S. If you are a block mate reading this, please do not repost or share it with anyone else in the block. Tumblr serves as a safe haven for me.

[johnroeee]

I haven't been my true self in the last few months, and I feel like I need to rebuild myself. My self-esteem is gradually eroding, weakening.

😭😭😭

[johnroeee]

qwerty

I understand that our human instincts can be correct at times and incorrect at others. You have a feeling that things or people can be this way or that way. Simply put, it is your initial judgment that you have no knowledge of because you have never touched, met, or experienced them firsthand. As far as I'm concerned, something has been bothering me for the past five months. I couldn't put my finger on what this thing is. Or am I too delusional to accept these people's faces in my mind because I find them annoying? I try to understand the situation, but their overbearing confidence is extremely toxic and difficult to deal with.

[johnroeee]

hhhhhhhh

It's been years... but..

I always have anxiety speaking for myself. I am not sure since when I started shutting off the rattling demons in me. I am too afraid and too ashamed to give my views a spotlight in the crowd. I am too bothered by the idea that someone out there disapproves.

But I am certain that I am siding on the right side of the parties. It's just that...

I don't how to start.

Can someone teach me how to pull a show without trying too much?

[johnroeee]

My silence says otherwise.

If you get it now,

guess I didn't need to explain myself;

anymore like I always do.

My apologies were blades,

sharpened to bruise me.

[johnroeee]

Hshdhdj

Hi! It is me, John Roe. Again.

U know, i have a weird habit of transcribing people's actions and decisions. I knew it's awful and very unfair kasi eventhough i haven't met these peolple in person, i clearly understand that that is never an incentive for me to judge.

Like, who am i to judge?

oo. Ugali ko ang mang-judge, manlait, mang-insulto, or whatever u want to call it. Jonard knew about this thing about me since we were in 7th grade. Saksi siya ng mga panlalait ko, ng rants ko about sa ganito, ganyan. Kung bakit ganito itsura niya when i know myself that i don't look pretty perfect too. Na kalait-kalait din ako, kung tutuusin.

and i guess bad habits die hard. kasi up 'til now, buhay na buhay parin ang mga panlalait words sa isip ko.

Well, everybody should not live on the approval of everybody. kung nilait ka, shrug it off. kung tingin nila sayo snob, masungit, sungitan mo pa. Isnobin mo pa so they taste it themselves, tutal yun naman ang pinaniniwalaan nila, y not ride it di ba?

[johnroeee]

Sa taong ito na nagsabi, "practice lang."

I have a secret (hindi super kaderder na cringey). I just feel like I need to suppress it because it's kinda bothering my sanity.

Like, habang tinatype ko ito, I am bothered na baka isipin niya may nag-iisip sa kanya.

There is someone in my block na... I don't know. Ang gorgeous niya kasi tignan pero ngayon ko lang napansin... 2nd courser siya.

THE END.

[johnroeee]

                 Over 100,000 students took the UPCAT 2019.

          Katulad ng mga matatalinong Grade 12 na estudyante mula sa iba't ibang eskwelahan sa Pilipinas, minsan ko rin pinangarap na makapasa kasi wala namang masama kung gagawin ko 'yon. I mean, who wouldn't want that, right? Sa sitwasyon ko, I promised that in case I pass UPCAT, I'd really push myself studying at UP.

          Naisip ko rin kung ano ang pakiramdam na makapag-aral sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas, ang tahanan ng mga Isko't Iska, na kung saan ang prinsipyo ay dangal at husay. Besides, the title that one gains when he becomes a graduate of the university is sure a privilege that he'd be proud of with forever because he achieves it through the odds.

          Unfortunately, I did not pass the admission test.

          Masakit, oo. Lalo na't naging pangarap ko ang makapasok sa UP sa loob ng anim na taon. Before, I looked up too much to our seniors because they passed the CAT and for once, I told myself that I'd be one of the Cagayanos who'll be studying at that university. Someday. It's a big dream of me, actually. Masyadong mataas kung tutuusin at masyado ring imposible mangyari, considering my academic performances.

          Aminado ako sa liit ng kakayahan ko, malayong maipasa ko ang UPCAT. Nakaramdam ako ng sobrang laking disappointment sa sarili.

          I thought I already gave my best. I realized it's not really about giving the best. Rather, it's about being at your best.

          My classmates from Aquamarine knew how much I wanted to pass UPCAT and with that, I felt so much pressure then. Everybody expected too much from me. Days and months before the results were suffocating me with anxiety and nobody knew what's really going on in my mind.

          As a consequence, nagulo ang plano ko kaya kailangan kong bumalik sa zero ulit. Kung ano ang susunod kong gagawin. Studying at CSU is my second option. It means, hindi pa huli ang lahat para sa akin. I passed the entrance test but none of the course choices indicated I will want to pursue later on.

          I do not have concrete plans. If I did, it all crashed down after I failed UPCAT.

          On June 13, I jotted this in my planner...

Here's the list of things in my mind before entering college [DRAFT];

Magparecon sa UPLB since pasok ang UPG ko na 2.591 sa recon cut-off na 2.800. Besides, kapag mag-retain at hindi magbago ang percentile score criterion per subtest noong 2018, I'll probably apply in the following courses;

BS Agriculture, BS Mathematics and Science Teaching, BS Developmental Communication, BS Forestry. Depende pa raw ito kung may unfilled slots sa mga degree programs indicated in my application dahil sa ilang passers na hindi nag-confirm ng kanilang admission.

Kapag nagkataon na maipasa ko ang appeal for recon, minimum percentile score requirements per subtest, at interview, I'll consider studying at UPLB for good.

If makapasa man sa whole process of reconsideration pero hindi rin sa isa sa apat na courses abovementioned, hindi ako tutuloy sa UP. At kapag din nag-upgrade ang Recon guidelines ng UPLB, especially the minimum percentile score per subtest at hindi pasok ang scores ko, goodbye UP na talaga

Plan B ko ang CSU. My first and second course choices are RT and Chem. Eng. respectively. As of May 19, ako ay pre-enlisted na sa ChE pero 'di pa enrolled. Dahil hesistant pa ako.

Nagpa-enlist ako sa DVM noong June 9. Siyempre, waitlisted ako.

Mas gusto ko ang DVM over ChE.

Hindi muna ako mag-enroll online on June 15 para mag-inquire sa CVM. This is because I am crossing over a bridge of uncertainty. Maliban doon, ito ay para ma-secure ang slot ko sa ChE in case hindi ako pumasa sa evaluation bilang waitlisted applicant ng DVM by the first week of July.

Ang kaso, ChE is rushing every one for settlement and finalization. Kung hindi ako makapag-enroll bago ang mid-July (13-17) sa ChE, automatic withdrawal sa slot ko. Worse part is, kapag hindi rin pumasa sa DVM, I'll be endorsed to other courses na available (na iniiwasan kong mangyari).

Kung admitted naman sa DVM at dahil six years din ang itatagal ko dito (kung papalarin), hindi na ako mag-UP. Kahit maipasa ang appeal.

My friends were asking about my plans but I couldn't give them concrete and final frames of it. Not yet. Ilang Linggo rin akong nanahimik, nagninilay at kinakalma ang sarili para makapag-isip ng susunod na hakbang.

The past few weeks taught me something. My visions of the ending were foreshadowed. I lost focus on the possible conflicts in the middle of it. I got too delusional about the feeling that I'd passed UPCAT.

          Ang mali ko, I chose UPCAT as my Plan A kahit alam kong dehado. I was too inconsiderate of my capacity. Hindi ko pinili ang bagay na kung saan siguradong maipapanalo ko sa huli.

          But that's life. Hindi naman palaging anchored ang mga plano natin sa mga mangyayari talaga.

P.S. Kung may mali man ako sa facts about UPCAT Recon, please spare me.

[johnroeee]

nakakasakal na. halos parehong senaryo na lang ang nangyayari palagi. nakakapagod ang pag-intindi sa iyo para sa isang bagay na paulit-ulit na lang. you made my heart break and maybe that made me who i am now.

[johnroeee]

If only there was me and you and our sole witness was our shadows behind.

[johnroeee]

Sometimes, you just have to shrug it off when someone is trying to ruin your little paradise.