jonathandotjon - Tumblr blog

[jonathandotjon]

If you'd like to, reblog this post if you're a practicing Christian

[jonathandotjon]

I feel this post is something that has been a long time coming for me. I've been trying to reach this point for a long time, and I realize either I still haven't been successful in achieving it, or, it finally is so close that I realize maybe I can make it.

Moments ago, I made a tweet thread regarding my issue as fellow Christians tend to be who I interact with most on Twitter, or... was Twitter.. What I said was:

This evening, my Tues. night small group, a casual bringing of 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 in the aspect of spiritual Warfare may have been eye opening for me. My fickle mental health may be due to my inability, not in recieving forgiveness from others, but myself could be my own spiritual war. What may be a funny conclusion is tragically poetic for me. I wonder if the voices that constantly tell me that I'm not worth the air I breathe and the voices that tell me that the world would be better off if I just offed myself are demonic. By no means am I possessed, but oppressed, perhaps. The biggest challenge it seems I have faced is failing to forgive myself for things I did in my upbringing, for mistreating friends, for unbeknownst behavior towards them. Often failure in being able to control myself and my personality, or failure in controlling my emotions. Failure in dealing with habitual sin (another aspect of spiritual oppression) and especially failure in being more attuned to God and His commands. If there was a way to simply forgive myself for these shortcomings as a one time deal and be able to successfully just move on, I wouldn't hesitate to take it. Yet, it seems that there may be a bit to unpack and it may be as simple as truly forgiving what I had to deal with in IFB upbringing. The short term solution in that aspect logically seems to simply block those who would trigger feelings of resentment within me. I'm always welcoming to those who wish to reconcile from my old church, so long as they are seeking to be forgiven. I've forgiven the people, I just need to forgive the past, and in doimg so, may need to far distance myself from any reminders . In forgiving the past, maybe then I can truly be able to forgive myself. I don't know how coherent I have been here tonight, or if what I have said has made any sense. I just want to know what God's forgiveness feels like in a way where his forgiveness towards me can be reflected into my own sense of self-worth... if that makes sense.

In trying to further break down this and the plethora of emotions I am just, oh so privileged to deal with, there are a few things I want to lay out first.

I am not seeking pity

I am not seeking sympathy or empathy

I am not seeking to vampirize anyone's positivity

I am especially not seeking, or at least trying not to seek anyone's attention away from what's important in their own lives

Because I use Tumblr as a personal blog to chronicle my own deepest thoughts and to make attempts to self-reflect, I see it as a safe place to freely write and anyone I would share it with is someone who I've put a lot of trust in. I do not endorse Tumblr per se, I just see it as a great tool for this.

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I've made it no secret to those who know me that I deal with mental health issues ranging from ADHD and OCD to less complex issues like depression and anxiety. What I am not always open about is that I have had some brief speculations at times of possibly being on the spectrum but I don't have sufficient evidence or reason to believe at this time that I am. I also think there are possibilities of religious induced PTSD, but I do not claim that this is actual fact.

In writing what I did on Twitter, what has really begun to reach out to me are the different aspects of what I deal with mentally and the simple conclusion is that I've failed in being able to forgive myself for the past or current repeated failures of my life. It's easy to forgive others because you aren't them but it's difficult to forgive yourself because you know who you are.

I strongly believe that the constant feeling of loneliness I deal with honestly comes from the demonic influence I've probably allowed unknowingly into my life. There is an aspect of my personality I truly despise which is what I believe to be an obnoxious level of extroversion. And honestly, I'm believing the only way in being able to grow is through self-forgiveness. The goal is not to make myself an introvert, but in at least walking the gray line where either or is comfortable; the silence of others does not have to be scary.

A moment of vulnerability I need to come to terms with, when you repeatedly have to fight, as most Western men, the battle with pornography addiction, the sense of self can become highly degraded. Habitual sin, though mine is repentent, is exactly what the enemy wants and if one is caught believing he cannot forgive himself, the offense logically will only be repeated. Those dealing through this tend to question themselves.

Not everything negative I deal with is entirely the product of self-unforgiveness, but it's probably the biggest battle I'm going to have to fight. Maybe the head of my issues?

I did mention that I do fight with mental health disorders and those are legitimate. The endocrine system as well as the brain are still subject to problems as every other organ of the body is and invalidating mental health as just spiritual attack is a tactic only scumbag or misinformed Christians adhere to. Yet, my argument is more so on the basis of if some issues are because of surrendered ground to the darkness. There can be so many different avenues to approach from, and every case if different, and should be treated individually. For me, I just believe that after taking medication and it not working as it supposedly should, my own issues could be more of my own spirit being in constant Warfare.

There's too much for me to go back and feel the need to edit this. It's 3:33 AM upon writing this paragraph and I want sleep. As I said in my thread, I hope I made sense and was coherent. To those I have wronged in my own wrongdoing towards myself, I am sorry, and I ask that you would forgive me. I ask for prayers that I'd have a sense of God's grace in being able to forgive myself.

I'm just sick of all the bullshit in life and honestly, Christ who is in me, He rightfully deserves all of my shit back.

[jonathandotjon]

You know, sometimes I wonder if the devil is so hard at work convincing people that innocent expressions of affection are actually sexual in nature, or that there's something sinister or toxic behind them, is because he's afraid of the power of a hug, or a simple "I love you" spoken with no expectation of anything in return.

Maybe one of the reasons there are so many people who cynically talk about "no heterosexual explanation for this" or think that romantic/sexual love is the highest form of love is because the devil is afraid of the power of selfless platonic love, and is working hard to suppress it.

Maybe one of the things the devil hated most when Jesus was on earth was the way He kept on touching people, making them feel how much He loved them - even and especially people who hadn't been touched in years, like lepers or the woman with the issue of blood.

Maybe telling your friends you love them and giving your mom a big hug is a tiny act of defiance against the Enemy who wants you to be alone.

[jonathandotjon]

One of the things that frustrates me is the way people on this site talk about porn addiction. Porn IS bad. It's horrible and awful and there's literally no defending it and I wish all porn a very be eliminated. But, as we acknowledge that not only are people often exposed to porn at young ages, and without their consent, and that porn is a real struggle that rewrites people's brains, I feel like this current trend of mocking people with porn addictions and telling them you wish they'd die and that they're horrible people for engaging in porn is like, the least helpful thing any of us could do for people with that addiction? I mean if I was suffering from an addiction of any kind and I saw that the people who were against what I'm already probably very ashamed of doing wishing harm on me and hating me for doing it, those aren't exactly the people I'm going to follow. I don't know about you, but I'd be far more likely to listen to the people enabling my bad decisions because there's at least not hatred of me there. Porn is evil and there's no defense of it, but speaking so ill of the people struggling with it only hurts us and them both in the long run.

[jonathandotjon]

Just a friendly reminder: cults, especially pseudo-christian cults, often promise to let you in on special or hidden knowledge that other groups either keep concealed or were never gifted with.

Christianity is literally an open book. There is no “secret” knowledge. Don’t fall for this trick.

[jonathandotjon]

About me:

My name is Jonathan, born on the 21st morning of November in the year 1998 in the great state of Arizona. The math of my age should be easy.

My interests vary but I consider myself an avid gamer, Star Wars is dope (except for the sequel trilogy), and I have a fascination with geography and history.

I am a Christian, a Baptist, and an ex-fundamentalist (or deconstructing fundamentalist) and in that order. What I adhere to is how the Holy Spirit leads and what scripture explicitly states and any church that does that is cool with me. What I don't adhere to and vehemently oppose having grown is extrabiblical fluff like dress standards, King James Version Onlyism, and performance based acceptance. This is a huge part of my upbringing and overcoming this level of trauma has been one of the best things for me.

I have Attention Deficit Disorder as well as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but the latter is so much worse then the first, but by the grace of God, i'm not what I once was.

Either you got here from Discord or will now look for me on Discord. It's Jonathandotjon. Just let me know what the friend request is for.

[jonathandotjon]

I have no idea what to do on Tumblr, but it is a heck of a lot easier to just post a link that serves as an about me page for Discord. Y'know, I don't know if I can even edit it, but whatever. I'm lost here and I want to go home, lol.

My name is Jonathan and I am a member of everything male. So, as of writing this, I am 24 and I reside in the ever struggling community of Sorry... I mean Sierra Vista in the state of Arizona; that's in the US btw. No, seriously, it's a decent community.

More specific ideas about me are that I am very happily straight, possibly a struggling metrosexual, but most importantly to me, a practicing Christian. I just want to do the most I can with what God has given me. I don't however wish to be the Christian who shoves my faith in the face of everyone else. Only through the compassion of Christ.

I am single, I wish to save sexy time for heterosexual married life and I find penetrative sexy time to be odd. Does that make me asexual or heteromantic?

I am under the idea that hugging is the best way to communicate that you care about someone and spending time with someone shows how much you value them.

I have Attention Deficit Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I'm freaking out in this Wendy's. I may or may not have clinical depression, it depends on what ADD and OCD tell me. My medications are great though. Sometimes I wonder about slightly being on the spectrum but it's just a personality enhancement. If ya don't like me, you're the one who has lost.

Asthma is a heck of a drug. Hyperhydrosis is the Waterpark of hades. Extra body fat means that Joe Biden can't kidnap me.

Politics are like gum, you only share when asked.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome is not a vibe.

One time I accidentally got high from drinking CBD oil. The experience was traumatic, the memories were those of a lifetime.

To be updated...