jooldidyoueatmysandwich - Tumblr blog

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

As if history suddenly remembered itself.

As if you were waiting for me to touch another angel

and only that made you recognise I also have wings.

As if 10 years ago was yesterday.

.

Good to know you read my soul too.

Welcome back.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

😶

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Inspired by countryside warriors and merch designs (Don't wanna know)

🎶

Oh, hello

You're here alone

It's been so long

I laid the breadcrumbs, yeah, I baked you a whole loaf

But didn't know

If you would go

Follow it or leave it for the birds

Lately I've been stumbling on my words

I try and find I don't know how to say what's on my mind

But that's alright

Just give it time

I swear I'm fine

But I can't promise anything

[chorus]

I saw it washed ashore, your ship,

Your cannons, loose aboard

I wondered if I'd wonder what led you to port

Was it an X marking the spot?

Was it rough seas you'd rather not

Sail through, so you came to my home?

Oh wait- I don't wanna know

(do do doo)

No no, I don't wanna know~

(do do doo)

'cause I would rather sleep with my illusions

Than to pass out with your ghost~

(do do doo)

I don't wanna know

[/chorus]

That's all to say

That it's ok

Yes, you can stay

Like I could ever make you go away

Just let me break

Open a Chardonnay (pop!)

I'm way too sober anyway, for this

Rusted over, stained with verdigris

I guess that's just what happens when you leave it to the elements

It's fine

I'll take my time

If you don't mind

I'm still not sure it should be yours

[chorus]

I guess that I just wanna say

How much I still appreciate

You here, quantified somehow

Is it just fear of missing out?

I think back to the good and bad

All the things we both wish we had

And all the ones we hope we don't

Is it worth poking the unknown?

Did someone send you here at last?

Are you just ticking off a task?

Will this too, be declassified

Or am I not reading it right?

I know we said it was for life

But then it ended, and that's fine

So tell me if it's all for show

Or if your chest is buried gold...

.

...Nah, I don't wanna know

(do do doo)

I don't wanna know~

(do do doo)

'cause I'd rather forever hold my peace

Than to kick down these dominoes

(do do doo)

I don't really wanna know.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

It will take some time still

To close up the wounds inside

It's natural for it to be so

For you as well as for me

It still takes making a face

So that we can laugh it off

Such is the way humanity walks

Unwillingly, and with tiny steps

I won't say that it was bad

(it wasn't that good as well)

Don't think I wish you any harm

I simply don't wish for you at all

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Sirius shining high in the sky

twinkling as it was not supposed to

but this time

there's no suppositions

no expectations

no would

could

should

it just twinkles.

In the late spring skies it never truly leaves.

And for once, in so, so long

peace enough to see

against the light pollution shadows

that the night sky is, in fact,

blue.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Rhaast and Alune

a jagged smile and a deeper voice split to free a long winding tongue

for ice-cream, strawberry syrup, of course

moonlit voice speaking for those who can't (yet) and never might again (maybe)

singing songs, in foreign words, of course

not love, but kinship, stares ahead through yellow pink black red white blue crossed eyes

dancing as if all they can touch is themselves and each other.

doomed from the start.

Kayn and Aphelios could never.

.

Did you fall for a shooting star?

(one without a permanent scar)

and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

6am

Mulholland Drive

the 5th Moonlight Sonata and I

first movement, you and I, and a screwtop bottle of wine

I've unspooled on the floor, I feel so "A Star is Born"

kiss my cheek, baby, please

would you read my eulogy?

"I will never ask you for anything except to dream sweet of me"

tell me, when the party ends, will you still love who I am?

.

they don't know how much they'll miss, at least until you're gone

like

this

talking to the mirror, said "save your breath, half your life you've been hooked on death"

Twice the Dreams

but Half the Love

be careful what you bottle up

the chemistry is a mess, it seems, but me, I'm still a

sunbeam

.

scar-crossed lovers, forever, I'm checking myself out, forever...

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

To the friendly stranger that sat with me as I rested from my stealth game, them resting from theirs, and sang with me that offstream song about being othered, pitied, and alone...

Could you show up again?

I swear I'll look at you this time.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

your voice, jjong...

I heard your voice again.

Unlike my friend's, not-as-long gone, I can still remember yours, hear it more easily, through headphones or through memories. It still echoes in the chambers of my heart, as clear as the brightest aqua diamond.

In the newest songs, some even without Onew (may he recover well), I can tell so clearly where your lines would be. Any higher pitch, anything more melodic, SHINee's style is so different now without you. They've picked up your place so well, some might think there's nothing missing.

But we all still miss you.

And I hate AI voices, I hate how they erase whoever was under those lines before. I hate how your voice is owned and used when it should rest as well as the rest of you. You should be a cherished memory, not something half-assed and fake, erasing the other members. I know you'd hate it too, talk about it on Blue Night radio...

but I heard you again.

I'm sorry, I missed you too much.

and I too, feel like a Satellite sometimes.

.

You said...

"moreul geoya From my point of view, 'Cause you're beautiful"

just like you would have.

just as I remember you...

.

I punched the pillow in mindless grief.

I can barely hear my friends. I can hear your voice, your true voice, in songs at any time.

But that line was what broke me.

I don't ever want to hear you like that again.

I want to hear you still here.

I wish you were still here.

.

All I can do is hope it hurts less wherever you are now.

You will always be missed, jjong.

kkok geuttaega anieossdeorado neowa nan...

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

"I don't care you went to a party, I care that you didn't come see me. I care that you didn't notice I was in a bad mood."

.

Does it give you some sweet sick satisfaction knowing I'm still making the same mistakes after all this time?

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

"And I know I will bleed and suffer every day until then".

.

Well, I guess now it stopped. Or so I hope.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Inspired by Anger

Your crooked love is just a pyramid scheme

And I'm dizzy on dreams

(Yeah you're dizzy on dreams)

But if you ask me, two's a whole lot lonelier than one

Baby, we should've left our love

In the gutter where we found it

(Gutter where we found it)

Cause you think - you think - your only crime is that

You got caught

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

201214 (14/Dec/20) - The Suit

Vega the Star Dragon #3

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

201029 (29/Oct/20) - The Work

Vega the Star Dragon #2

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

201016 (16/Oct/20) - The Story

Vega the Star Dragon #1

.

back in 2020 I had another blog called 'Vega the Star Dragon', inspired by @iraprince and @catcriestoo, where I'd post little hand-drawn comics like this. it didn't last, but eventually I'll post all of them here.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Letter to 2015

hello.

No, no, let me start again.

Hello.

I know you wanted to see me and I know you don't like what you're seeing.

I know I'm not what you expected, what you wanted me to be, I'm not what I wanted to be either, but then again, we have both always been so bad at figuring out what that is, right? So it's not so bad.

You want to ask me about college, about work, and I show you empty typewriter hands. You cry. I know, I know it hurts. It hurt the first time they said no, and it hurts now that you're trying so hard to make it yes, and it was yes. For seven long years, it was a resounding yes. And then I screwed it up. You scream if it was all for naught, you're convinced it was before I even open my mouth to say no, it wasn't, those were the best seven years of my life, that in 2016 when they asked me "the four worst years, or the six best?" you listed out, confused: 2003, 2008, 2013 and 2014.

I'm sorry I screwed up the only thing you were ever sure you wanted. I wasn't so sure.

I want to tell you that your dreams are real. That you've felt alone in your mind for years, an incomplete unsolved puzzle, but they're real. You're not alone, you've just been lonely. Maybe you shouldn't fall in love with the first boy who wants to hear your story but do it anyway, even if it hurts us. Steer clear of the long distance relationships unless they touched you first. Eat the first Geiger counter you see, and don't ignore the constant beeping, that warning of toxic radioactivity, for anyone, not even yourself. Stop waiting for the right moment, happiness can be patient but it's also ever-present, it's already there, waiting for you to reach for it, to work for it, to take it, grab it despite your own blood under your nails, take it and never let go, bite into it until it's dry. Your dreams are real. You're going to find yourself, your father, your strength inside these years. You're going to find the loves of your lives outside of it.

You hear me speak of love and you ask me about the ones you know now. If someday, she's going to notice how you look at her hands, if any day the memories will fade, if at any point it's going to hurt less to hear him calling you "sister".

She didn't notice it, but others did. The most beautiful upperclassman I ever saw was just shorter than me, with curves like a fertility goddess, hair curls so tight they could spiral a textbook, and a fire in her voice only the leader of the black feminist student council could have. She wanted me, and you didn't know what to do with that much woman, so I let her go. But she noticed it.

The memories are still slowly fading, and I'm sorry, but you must know. I thought they were rose colored glasses. I thought it was too pretty to be true, so it must have been a lie. They told you, "you'll always be one of us", and I took it as a threat. To this day, it tastes vile in my mouth to say it. I burned your diary. I stole away the son of the soldier you wrote so carefully, with so much love poured into her, so much devotion, and I turned him bitter. But he's learning to love again.

And it does hurt less. I say less because it's not all gone, it's just changed. It hurts that he calls me sister, and you wish he called you love, but I want him to call me brother.

I can see that double-take, yes. Brother. I wouldn't be so surprised then, but I know you are now. A part of you is happy, but most of you asks me if it's a punishment. If I didn't like you that much. I said I still don't, but it's no punishment. I'm just trying to make things right for me, you be damned. You're past. You're the foundation of everything, rotten columns and all, but you're not the entire building.

I'm sorry you won't ever see your name in news headlines over the latest Nobel prize. But if it makes it any better, I won't see mine either.

You never thought about me, so it should be only fair, but I'm sorry I forgot you.

I'm not ready to go, you say. I'll take you, I say. And I hope one day you can forgive me that it's not the path you wanted.

With all my heart,

2023.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Four Kings stand at a crossroads

From the North, the Mountain King

Fair as elvenkind, with the strength of ten men

A King of snow, a King of wilderness

He who communes with beasts and devils

From the South, the King of the Deep

Of dwarven blood and divine blessings

A cunning King, a flaming King

He who slays the old and commands the new

From the East, the Storm King

For whom angels weep, and yield, and sing

A King who loves, a King who fights

He who transmutes pain into power

From the West, the River King

Whose eyes are stars, who rides with dragons

A King whose steps trail water and blood

He whose hands hold my severed head.