#lazuli archknight

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

It will take some time still

To close up the wounds inside

It's natural for it to be so

For you as well as for me

It still takes making a face

So that we can laugh it off

Such is the way humanity walks

Unwillingly, and with tiny steps

I won't say that it was bad

(it wasn't that good as well)

Don't think I wish you any harm

I simply don't wish for you at all

[greatestlazuli]

For my Peridot. I love you.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

6am

Mulholland Drive

the 5th Moonlight Sonata and I

first movement, you and I, and a screwtop bottle of wine

I've unspooled on the floor, I feel so "A Star is Born"

kiss my cheek, baby, please

would you read my eulogy?

"I will never ask you for anything except to dream sweet of me"

tell me, when the party ends, will you still love who I am?

.

they don't know how much they'll miss, at least until you're gone

like

this

talking to the mirror, said "save your breath, half your life you've been hooked on death"

Twice the Dreams

but Half the Love

be careful what you bottle up

the chemistry is a mess, it seems, but me, I'm still a

sunbeam

.

scar-crossed lovers, forever, I'm checking myself out, forever...

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Inspired by Anger

Your crooked love is just a pyramid scheme

And I'm dizzy on dreams

(Yeah you're dizzy on dreams)

But if you ask me, two's a whole lot lonelier than one

Baby, we should've left our love

In the gutter where we found it

(Gutter where we found it)

Cause you think - you think - your only crime is that

You got caught

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

"And even more angry that if it was Mars this wouldn't be a thing"

.

it wouldn't. it really wouldn't.

.

Listen. I don't care what others say about me. My existence is only a crime in one or two or seventy-two countries, but in the constitution of your heart I am welcomed, I am cared for, I am cherished. Words don't hurt me because they only display their bloodstained biases and their unfair laws. I've said that from the start.

What hurts me is when it gets to you.

And it gets to you that I am the one there, not him.

.

And I know it is the moon, I know my soul could never sink into sadness as quickly as this body, with its silly tiny chemicals, does. But the thought alone, of being in the wrong position, of bringing you this pain, makes me want to right these wrongs the only way I know how. Doing the only thing that is within my power to do.

What hurts you is that I'm in the picture for them, right? Ok, so let me not be.

You make a tiny scene of how sad you got, give it a week or two to say Mars is consoling you, he shows up there once, give it some time to make it seem believable, and all should be fixed by October. Your family does take more kindly to quick swaps and whispers of cheating than to tainted kisses and the wrong chromosome set.

But I can't, can I? I don't know what I would do if Mars walked away from you, but if I did, he would walk with me. And even if he didn't, no matter how much love is there, you two wouldn't last. You'd drive each other insane with the tiniest and the biggest things, incompatibility driving stress up the walls of one too many hospitals, until the decision to end it was mutual - and for both of your sakes.

No. The best I can do is hold you through it. But that feels so hollow when it's the very cause of the problem. When nothing short of me having never existed in your life would fix it.

.

...was I wrong to even start?

You, a bargaining chip stolen from the catalyst to ease a war god's fire amidst melted snow?

Wouldn't it have been more peaceful then? For everyone?

It only grew after we let ourselves have the room for it. Like wildflowers, or like mold.

Like the nuclear furnace of a star.

Maybe all stars are destined to burn some skin off.

.

Still.

Had the order been inverted. Had Mars been the first.

I'm better at waiting. And with a stash of well prepared pictures and stories, my house could be his. Every day would be yours. Sour and blunt, maybe, he'd be. An odd choice. Questionable at most. Never an enemy. Never your ruin. I'd still be there, hidden, away from eyes and ears. Not the first time. I'm a better liar than either of you could ever be.

I'm better at waiting. I've waited a year for him when we were barely anything. I've waited eight to let go of an obsession that harmed me. What's seven months? Nothing.

Let me wait instead of watching you suffer. Let me go back. I ask, I plead. It might even be good, how much faster would I change my body and my name in order to fit in a better place on the puzzle? The problem is being a woman, no?

But no, the X in my arm tells me a different story. "Let me go back there", and I went. "Make time pass faster", and it does now. Can't walk back on what has changed, on what has happened.

Their words towards me don't hurt me. Their actions towards you is what might make them win this war.

.

I guess this was what so many of our predecessors were afraid of.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

I sense there's trouble ahead

It's clear by the signs and warnings

That should point where all blame is due

...so why are they pointing at my head?

All have been led astray

We've all fallen short in some way

Please understand, I'm ashamed

And I beg of you, please find your grace

.

'Cause I'm not in my right state of mind

I just wish I had strength to admit it

My stubbornness will put up a fight

But I don't deserve to win it

I'm left in the dark, pondering my mistakes

In the light, I swear I will....

....deny it all.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

"If we hadn't had it all so quickly

If we hadn't said it all so quickly

If we hadn't overdosed on it

We could have lived one of those great love stories

One day a truck ran over passion

And without your care and your attention

Our love turned itself into "good morning"s

What is the secret of happiness?

Is it needed to be alone to live?

What's the point of reality?

Is it needed to be alone to live?"

.

Who am I?

Who am I?

What are you even saying?

Hasn't it all been like this

All the time we were playing?

.

Seven coins. Seven, maybe nine.

Paid off with my thirty something, that would gladly buy just one, otherwise.

What a bargain, what a bargain...

.

And no one gets it.

It's always like this.

It has always been like this.

Everything is a trade, no matter how small.

You trade your time

your attention

your gifts

your effort

your presence

Anything

That you could be spending otherwise

And some do spend it otherwise

If the goods are not so good

Or the cost is too high.

It has always been a trade.

And that's ok.

That's ok.

It's just how things are.

.

Why are you crying?

Did I get too expensive?

Of course.

What was I thinking.

I paid thirty coins, after all.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Inspired by a white lily and a bus stop

There he is again.

Hi, Mathias.

That feeling of dread, a named weight around my throat. My real life Man in the Wall, saying "hey kiddo" as he sees me come home and promptly settles down in his usual space: Sat square down on my chest, a la mode of sleep paralysis demons, perhaps. But I'm wide awake.

An all too familiar name, an all too familiar feeling.

.

But why?

I've done nothing wrong. At least not objectively, subjectively maybe, but then the only subjective that really matters is mine.

I was out, she knew where and with who. I forgot the number and the pictures, but those are minor things, right? She didn't say anything about that until now.

I didn't get home at night. I offered to walk my way up. I washed her swimsuit and cleaned the shoes I had borrowed.

So why was I so scared, trying to find a mistake to apologise for, in those few minutes when seeing her was inevitable? Why was I expecting a scolding, why did I stutter so hard when telling her how the night was, and highlighting the good points, and how well behaved I had been, as if trying to make up for the fact that I stepped out of her comfort zone with me, even in this minor way? Why do I expect her to distrust me, to pick out the worse in what I do or don't do? Why later, with Archknight, I hid away and laid in wait, kid on my chest, waiting for her to chastise our talkings, to jokingly mock us, waited prepared to laugh it off and ignore it, to not become a horse to her butterfly? What am I so afraid of?

It feels like I always have to polish myself, to be on guard, to not let things show. Some are standard. My deviations, the inner minds, I'm fine with her never knowing, never quite fully understanding it. But I shouldn't have to hide so much, I don't want to.

And this time I really had nothing to hide...

Why is Mathias here if everything is fine?

.

I need to know.

I need to know in order to fix this.

Everything is fine. I want that kiddo gone.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Inspired by a best friend

Often what hurts when we hear it is what we need to hear.

So maybe the crewniverse is directing my life as well, because really? This much foreshadowing?

.

How many friends...

how many loved ones

family, even

lost

from this?

Why don't I care for people?

And then

I have

the GALL

of blaming them?? of saying they left me??

When I was the one doing the abandoning.

.

Perhaps I don't really want them around.

Maybe I don't think I deserve it.

Maybe it's like I told crow at first, I leave people before they can leave me, because that hurts less.

Or in this case, steadily push them to the limit until they break.

Caring less and less.

Forgetting things.

Forgetting them.

Being selfish and careless.

The one thing I can do right... is this how I truly am?

.

I've always liked bright colors. Yellow, orange, purple, blue.

But I guess I wasn't really any of those.

Let's stop wasting time, will we? If I am this, as despairing as it may be, I have to be coherent on at least one aspect of my life, because if I'm not drenched in this, if I don't beat myself up to an inch of my life, unless I lose everything, I won't change. I won't learn. This has happened more than enough times to prove that. And all of this is on me, so much that only writing this is a mistake, it's already leaving it open for someone to intervene, and no one should. Read this. Stay out of this. Otherwise it will just happen again. And again. And no one wants that.

Let me own this and change myself.

Don't even say you read it.

.

And now?? I don't even want to go.

Except I do.

And would all this suffering be for naught if I didn't go?

It would be called off anyways...

Everyone else also forgot about it... I'm no better. I'm no worse.

Is it me going?

Is it the forgetfulness?

The selfishness?

Me?

.

Ever since I before could even walk, crewniverse. Forshadowed since then, I suppose. Always people trying to paint me as the bad guy, folks, you were doing it wrong! Let me show you.

Well.

Just color me Pink.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

My heart in flames

Towards you loves and condemns

Your breath is cold

So young, and yet so old

.

Self-conceited, self-assured

Domineering, self-adored

Strike to plan, ambush to fall

...

Above it all

.

My heart in flames

Towards you loves and condemns

Your breath is cold

So young, and yet so old

To have your love

Is curse and bliss

...My love for you

Cannot grow from this

.

Overpower, underminer

Superhuman, yet so tired

"Twice the pride, double the fall"

...

Above it all

.

...how can anyone ever agree to that? in any time, place, or circumstance?

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

#NowPlaying: Silhouette - Owl City

It's like I told Newton and his eyes, his green obsidian eyes.

I'll manage it someday.

.

It's... a very toxic, privileged mindset, the one that all that you get from the life around you is your responsibility. That if you succeed, the golden laurels are all yours, and that if you don't, even if you did your best and you were crippled in your reach by outside forces, it was all your fault. You let yourself be crippled, for whatever reason, by whatever means.

Very dangerous, very aggressive, this mindset.

But it does bring some growth at times.

.

I could point fingers all I wanted.

"you did this to me, even in low tide that was the best thing that had ever happened to me, it was all I had, and you took it away, just this isn't enough anymore"

But what would you say? What could you do?

'Sorry' doesn't cut it. Doesn't take away the pain. But there's nothing you could do, nothing you would do.

You didn't stab me, you just held out a knife, and I went in to hug you, lodging it on my guts. I can't blame you. Its of no use to blame you.

It's not worth talking to you directly about it, either. "Closure", they said, trying to cheer me up, what closure? What would I gain? Telling you how hurt I am over what cannot be changed? I'm trying to recover, but this is past my self-absorption and low self-esteem, this is me reclaiming myself piece by piece. I need to do this by myself.

I can't rely on you constantly, and i don't want to. I'm learning to be ok with myself, and with this. "What matters is not what the world has done to you, but what you do with what the world has done to you".

.

Although, I'll be honest. I never truly believed a heartbreak is only healed with a new love. A heartbreak is healed with self-love, and inner peace. I'm not ready for this, I don't want it, not now, not like this.

But it's not like I have an option by now, do I? Not after what we did.

Net wa kyet Peri.

.

*sigh*

I'll manage it someday.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Inspired by a gif I never saw

"They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered."

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

seems legit, sounds accurate.

I'm trying to, though. To recover from this. Never thought I'd say this again, but this mark you've left on me? I don't want it anymore.

In words picked out from a conversation I didn't have with the sea, I heard you were growing over me, because you had no one else. Because I was your only one. The sea laughed and said that only showed how small you were.

I don't do that simply because I have nothing to grow over you with... I almost long to be able to. I have no one else. You are my only one. And for some reason I still don't want anyone to be my other one. Is this how small I am?

(I am trying) so hard to recover...

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

Books on universes that they live in, but you don't

The tense look on their eyes when you feel proud of being wrong

Waking up at midnight, sprouting carrots, empty trains

Songs that are ok to hear but never feel the same

.

Every charger snapping at the same spot near the plug

Sour vodka drink on a rare orange coffee mug

Being called the wrong name, homemade movies, foreign words

Reasons why you should name all your best friends after birds

.

There it is, again, that funny feeling

That Funny Feeling

.

"You'll always be one of us", but spoken as a threat

Wondering if you're allowed to maybe love them back

Cloudy eclipse nights, that one song about a hearse

Finishing in first place only leaves you feeling worse

.

Social media communism, friends for just one day

Plushie toys from when you were a baby turning gray

Windy day nostalgia, tiny seashells, call of void

Shaking off a comment like an empty polaroid

.

Calculating just how tall a building needs to be

Wondering if it's normal to run out of empathy

Water phone alarms, throwing out an old toothbrush

The overwhelming realization you never mattered much

.

There it is, again, that funny feeling

That Funny Feeling...

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

They thought I would hate you.

But how can I?

You were a guardian, not a threat.

You are... the catalyst.

Not an interference.

Not like this, at least.

.

And if you ever are... That will be more than your fall.

.

Let us agree, then, no cracks in no gems. That is all I want.

Otherwise, do as you please.

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

dare I think of it...

[redacted]

again?

.

.

"The characters reveal themselves

Actors at the final applause

Give to each interpretation

What it is proportionally due"

.

Masks and archetypes get switched, and

"In the eye of the hurricane there is quiet

For just a moment...

a yellow sky."

.

still, the alliteration of it is so pretty, isn't it?

The faraway friend the fool fell for, and further fawns and folds.

Fuck.

.

*sigh*

How to feel about this...

[jooldidyoueatmysandwich]

"It's not easy being the disappointment of the family~"

.

I said

In a singsong voice

Almost proudly

But I'm not, am I?

If anything, I'm their pride

Eldest child for my grandparents

First one to get into this uni

(Best in the country

[Not even aunt Denise got in,

And now she's a teacher in another.

PhD like I wish I could be] )

Working

At a multinational giant

(Of my own karmic design

But does that even mean anything

Now that I'm in?)

Blonde, blue-eyed cheerleader

(yes, I once was one)

Has the perfect boyfriend and a perfect life

Like they said

Between gritted envious teeth.

.

I get it

That's what they see

They're not wrong

Just wish I saw my merit in all of this

I didn't earn my eyes, my hair

The steps that got me this far

Were given to me

I didn't earn any of this

I met hawk by chance

And he stuck with me when I didn't want him

Before I got to want him

So was it really my doing?

These things I've

"earned"

I look at them and see nothing but pure luck

I was lucky to get in

One in one hundred and seventy

Among twenty seven thousand one hundred and twenty six

Tell me if that's not luck

Twenty fifth place in one hundred and twenty

Of at least nine dot three times that

(Which makes it

One thousand one hundred and sixteen

But that was after the bulk got knocked out

How many may it have been?

Who tries for my path anyway?)

It was

Luck

Not merit

And even if it was merit

Look at me

Look at what I've done with this

All the years I've hid away in failure

And even now that I got this far I still struggle to walk on stubbed toes

I write this outside of downtime because my hands will not type anything else

I make a penny

Corn makes a dime

That's why I cry on company time

Haha

Pathetic.

.

It's not a merit if you never deserved it

If you don't work for it even after getting it

If you don't enjoy it and make it worth your time

It's not

And I'm wasting these

Which I only ever want to keep

So nobody else calls me what I call myself

When I look at myself in the mirror

And see anything that isn't eagle.

.

"but I'm here, bitch. And I'm fabulous."

.

( My only merit in these times

This year

Is I can say for sure

I've saved a life or two with my words.

I'm thankful they're still around.

But that

Is really

All. )