jooooliea

[jooooliea]

Polar Opposites

Today really opened my eyes up a little bit. Actually... more like an accumulation of these past few days. I've been thinking a lot about making some lifestyle changes. It might not seem like much and I PRAY this isn't just one of those spurts of inspiration but i really do mean it. at least... in this moment. I've been meaning to make a daily schedual on just basic things like workouts and study times so we'll see how that goes. But moving on to the main topic here, the juniors finally came in today. WOW JULIA SO INTERESTING but hey, i didnt think it was that interesting either. I never really knew how to feel about these large groups of people parading into our school one day, taking what once felt like ours. I guess time really flew because i hadn't really felt that our seniors left. it just felt like the school was meant to be ours. I guess at this point i felt a tad bit posessive but understand that the juniors coming in was a HUGE thing to everyone. I cant really truly express how i felt today but - it was different. I felt different. In a way I felt this sense of superiority or was it excitement? curiousity? nervousness perhaps? Either way, something was brewing inside of me. In all honesty, I just went with the flow with what my friends were feeling. " OMG THEY BETTER NOT TAKE MY SEAT" "NOO THE SCHOOL'S GONNA BE CROWDED" or the typical " OOH I CANT WAIT TO SEE DEM CUTE BOYS" this was -in a nut shell- what everyone was saying. I dont necessarily agree with all this, perhaps to some extent but the hype of all of it really threw me into this bandwagon of excitement as well. I guess conformity really did its thing there. Despite all this, I wasnt really expecting much. At most I'd just be staring at them for afar, thinking about how they felt, reminiscing how orientation was with my friends. That was of course the highlight of today's conversation with my friends. However, the true highlight was when a group of juniors came up to me. I'd be lying if I said i wasnt a bit excited that they did ( maybe even a bit giddy ). Through my eyes they looked so tiny and adorable when really our ages weren't even that far off. Upon them approaching me I'd knew that they looked lost but being myself I dont tend to keep eye contact or smile when in my heart thats what I really wanted to do. If you hadn't guessed it, they asked me for directions and THIS was the moment in time that something really stirred in me. I offered to walk them and practically give them a mini tour of the places that they wanted to see. Along the way I made conversation- asked them what subjects they're taking, how they feel. I'd relate to them in a way that my orientation wasn't so clear in its school tour either. They. were. really.nice. I was really nice ! It wasn't awkward nor was it uncomfortable. This might seem obviously not unusual but I had done something that I wouldn't normally be able to. I had done something that I had been struggling with my whole life. I had helped a group of young girls. I would be contributing to giving a good image of my school just like how my seniors had done to me. It was amazing. On the way back to class I couldn't help but think about what had been done. I was a bit worried too to be honest, did I say the right things? were my directions clear enough? did I make them feel uncomfortable? but alas, I knew it'd be better to focus on the positives instead. I was happy. But what does any of this have to do with polar opposites? Here's where the negatives come in. I hadn't expected it but one of my very very good friends was feeling down. she told me she cried, she felt like giving up this class. It made me sad because this wasnt the first time. Because she was capable of so much more. I kept thinking to myself ' how can I help her? 'it made me so worried. Perhaps it was the sudden shift in moods but I felt so sad. It's terrible seeing someone you care give up right in front of you. And I didn't know what else to do. Self-esteem is a huge factor in motivation, in studying, in life. I truly believe that a big part of what keeps me going day by day is how much I believe in myself. but some people lack this, and i wish they'd have it too. Today was funny in a way that i saw the beginnings and the ends. The beginnings of a new world of education, hope and eagerness from the juniors to study. The excitement of being in a new school. Even simples things like the hostel children waving in us. Eager for happiness. But what i also saw was downfall. Hoplessness in someone who had so much potential. Sadness in giving up. Tears from all this. Is this to say that our school is a one way route ? that all these beginnings will reach this end? I sincerely hope not. At least something that i could gain from all this was a new sense of hope, something that i havent felt enough. Motivation to work hard as much as all these juniors do. Another beginning as its never too late.

[jooooliea]

Another realization

I believe that some people are interesting because of the things that happen around them. the things they see, stories they hear, things they own, their experiences etc something like that. Other people are however interesting because of what is within themselves. Their personality, interests and thoughts. Myself? if I had the option perhaps I'd pick neither just because a lot of the time I think that i'm uninteresting as fuck. On the other hand, deep deep inside I know that's not the case. Now if I could choose again, i'd choose the latter. I have developed meaningful and deep relationships with people. Given that, that must mean that I was interesting to them? These are only assumptions however but I'd like to believe that that's the case. If you were to ask me - Hey ! tell me a story. sorry. I can't. I thought i'd be able to until now. Its not to say that nothing goes on in my life but nothing interesting enough seems to be worth telling nowadays or - ever. Well that sounds awfully depressing but trust me I am happy, I am content. More than ever I am. I'm just more of a listener and perhaps thats why I click quite well with people with stories, people who always have something to say and well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that :)

[jooooliea]

Squeeze me .. a new start?

excuse the title there, I suppose thats what I get for trying to be 'creative' HAH. So 900 deleted posts consisting of cringy love photos, blastingly colourful pastries , some awkard domo and mustache phase photos later.... a new start begins. ( hopefully ) why? I ask myself why because only god knows how many times I've tried to do this. Numerous diary entries - physical and virtual, thought notebooks, anything. It never works. I struggle to discipline myself really. Now its the end of december. Another realization dawns on me. Nothing new really but stil - its one of those times where I contemplate where I am in life. okay. hey. You were always fine with everything, no? whats wrong now? its been a while and I thought that it'd pass but, it didn't. I have ALWAYS beeen the type to be content with being by myself. It didn't bother me that I wasn't talking to so many people. A small group of friends was just fine with me but something's turning, a gear has switched. I feel lonely. It really does strike my ego saying something like that and I pray to god this doesn't become one of those typical anime story games where the protagonist is lonely, starts a blog, falls in love with someone online or some bullshit like that haha ( tho I hate admiting that I wouldn't mind that either ) Honestly, I'm just here to talk to people. That'd be nice. Here it goes.

[jooooliea]

The Past

I was going through my old messages and it and an old message to my mum struck me as if a knife pierced through my whole body in a split second. I had forgotten that things have happened to me long ago, completely almost. until now. I was really sad or perhaps 'really sad' was an understatement but not to the point of depression. You could say that it was my lowest point so far. All the memories just hit me like a deer in headlights ! I remember sleeping on the floor and.. too much that I can't bear typing out. I figured that the person who can hurt me the most is not a friend nor a lover but my family itself. We weren't having financial problems, no affairs or anything serious like that. Perhaps it was my mid teenage 'phase' though i'd hate to call it that. I remember not long before (or was it after?) that my best friend had attempted suicide. Things were hard for others too. That was probably the worse year of my life but here I am now, 2016 and very very happy. I am so content in where I am now, and I suppose that could be happiness to some, that I had forgotten of everything bad that had happened. You could say that things have changed, a lot. I learnt how to he grateful of a lot of things, especially my parents and this is definitely a huge step since then. I've learnt to see the better life. I honestly am rarely mad or sad anymore but that could be two things. For now, I will enjoy it. I care for my parents a lot and I hope that they do know that I sayang them too.

[jooooliea]

too late

I write in mourning of my late aunt. I feel a bit shy to say that im crying as I write all of this but it doesnt matter. Not many people knew her as much as I did and unfortunately her kids may not know her as much either. 10 years was enough to grow a bond between us although it was only a child and her maid. i dont know what to do. you see fictional characters die on tv, on books in stories. you hear of your friends losing their loved ones but you do not know how it feels like. you see but you do not feel. you can't. This is my first and it happened. The feeling is devastating. this isnt the first time someone close to me has passed. my grandfather passed when i was 10. I didnt cry one bit. A different me in the present now is crying. This is all new to me. we met with her husband. I cried. my mother cried. I turned away, not to hide myself but I didnt want to see my mother cry. Your wife is a good person, I thought. I couldnt bear to speak properly. just as the last time i saw her a year ago, and she was crying too. I didnt cry. I am now crying. at one point in my life she was the most trusted person i had. she had it tough, I saw that. she cared for us, I admired that. You passed on a friday, I thank god for that. you are always good to me, I pray that god takes care of you.