journalforlee

[journalforlee]

Day Six - October 20th, 2021

Hello,

You know I thought I was back and maybe I am for a little while. I’m currently heavily disassociating. Also slightly high. I’m not really feeling much emotionally right now. I just came back from a car ride. I feel weird right now. I have a lot of bad thoughts at the moment but I’ve also come to the realization that I’m alone. I’ve always thought about others first but yet I’m alone. I guess it’s my fault. I never communicated to anyone how I truly felt in the moment of feeling I guess. I was always the one to hold all the shit I felt in and it’s scary to not know how much I’ve held in because all the bad things are blurry. I’ve shoved them so deep in. It just feels hard to heal sometimes. Like so hard. I was thinking about a lot during this car ride. I started thinking about just completely ending myself. I thought about how my death would affect everyone. The three people I thought about was my dad, my brother and my boyfriend. My dad because he’s already lost another child. I just thought about how much it would impact him and hurt him. My brother Tiko because I feel like I would disappoint him in a way. I told him that I was thinking of just ending my life because I was tired. He called my selfish and I took that all in. I no longer feel like it’s selfish. Everyone will be fine without me here. It’ll hurt but they’ll have those memories forever. Those things will never leave them. My boyfriend because I am the biggest burden in his life right now, before me he was just living his life. I feel like a failure. I don’t want to be here.. I won’t say how I’ll go but I feel so deeply about this. I’m done with trying. I’m done with forcing myself to do things I’m not mentally ready for. I’m just tired. I feel like I’d try to please the world if I could and I’m tired of trying for everyone else but me. I closed a chapter of my life yesterday with living under my mother’s roof and it was hard. I disassociated a lot. It’s tough because even under the circumstances of her kicking me out, I still fucking love her but when I think of people that would be hurt about my death..I never think of her. I just wanted to release my thoughts because they were just swirling around in my head. Ever heard your thoughts answer each other. That shit was crazy. My inner child told me she was proud of me and i asked her, what is there to proud of? She told me, you turned into a beautiful person that will always be remembered and that I leave an imprint on each person I meet. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good to anyone. I always felt not pretty enough. Not even worth having anyone to love me. I even thought it in the car today. I thought about people not missing out on much with me not here. I thought of it like, my dad doesn’t call me anyways, so it’s not like he’ll care that I’m gone for too long. Tiko will have so much life left to live. He’ll be fine. My boyfriend although it might hurt him for a little, he’ll find someone who he can actually love instead of having to save each and every time. I know he’s tired. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being overwhelmed. I’m tired of feeling shit. Just drained but I’ll be fine soon.

Bye

[journalforlee]

Day One - October 13th, 2021

So I’m back. I can say that I’ve tried other ways to get my feelings out including getting lifted but I seem to always need something more. I am content with life at this moment. I’m in a healthy relationship with someone who loves the ins and outs of me. Today, I took a trip down memory lane and it was a lot of trauma I remembered holding in. The amount of men I had encountered in life that always seemed to do me wrong was just crazy to think about. I loved myself yes, but I always loved everyone else more. After doing that shit for so long, you just get tired. I just think about it like this, I never have to deal with any of those people again. All that hurt, I know i sometimes still carry because some of my trauma remains unhealed. I just want to unload the story of the guy who really shattered me. Like literally to the point where my mental was broken. I met him in the year of 2019 if I’m not mistaken. We met off Okay Cupid if I’m not mistaken. I didn’t think our conversation would surpass a week but we somehow kept in contact and finally met in person after talking for a few months. I believe we met in April of 2019 because we went to go see Hell Boy. It just happened like a random meet up. We went down to Times Square and at this time, I had definitely came across men. I always felt like I was never enough or never beautiful. I never got the attention from guys when I was younger and so that left me with an insecurity which I just have now admitted to myself. I pretended a lot of the time that I was fine but as I got older, I learned that guys were easy but I always seemed to attract the men who didn’t know what they wanted. Was that because I didn’t know what I wanted? What I deserved? I feel like back then, I just took any attention I got but in my twenties a lot of shit changed mentally. I remember the day we met. We linked in the city and I remember him walking over to me for the first time. I think we hugged but I was so awkward. I still hadn’t gotten over that insecurity. That day I remember picking outfits and feeling disappointed in how I looked. He was reassuring though. We watched the movie and I think we grabbed some water and headed out for some pizza which we sat and ate together. I was just so weird like I couldn’t even look at him in the face because I was so nervous and so doubtful of myself. After that, we met very often and actually built a bond. Then some time near the summer, he told me that he was probably expecting and I cut off all contact with him until I believe August 25th, 2019, he messaged me and we facetimed. Eventually, a couple days later, we linked and I remember that night like yesterday. We drove around for hours and just vibed to music. It was amazing to me and I remember dropping him off at the train station where we hugged and he was like, I can’t believe you left me! It felt good that I was missed by him. After that, I swear to you we saw each other every single night after that night. I struggled looking for parking after our adventures but none of it really mattered. I was happy. In September of that year, I lost it to him. Shit. Thinking about this and typing it out, it’s just the story seems to go on forever and I haven’t hit the most traumatic parts yet. Maybe in another post, I will unpack more of this situation. I was talking to my boyfriend about it today and I actually got emotional because through all that trauma, I made it through. It still fucking hurts but I’m stronger than I make myself seem. It’s been so long since I’ve written my thoughts out. An update to life is I was kicked out of my mom’s crib right after I came from vacation. I had no job, no money, nothing to my name but I’m happy where I am now. I have a man who would do anything for me. I have a man that actually loves me. I never thought I would be worth love. I just always felt like the bad guy in all the situations I went through in the past. I’m so happy that I didn’t harm myself. No matter how hard shit got. Through the ptsd, the depression, the anxiety, the episodes, just the internal hurting. I know shit is gonna get hard again but I see this time in life, as the time for me to challenge myself. I just have to believe in myself a lot more and give myself the time to heal from everything I’ve been through. I love you Shirlisha. I love you and I’m so proud of you for putting yourself to the test and actually seeing how strong you are. I have no hard feelings to anyone whoever gave up on me. Who didn’t feel I was good enough to be around anymore. I love you all with all of me still. It’s easy to bring someone into your life but harder to let go of all the memories, the laughs, the tears, the pain and all the joy. That shit sometimes leaves an imprint on your mind. I often miss a lot of the people I feel I wronged but i also learned that you can’t impose yourself into someones life especially if they don’t want you there. I miss having people to confide in and i can confide into my boyfriend but I feel like my problems are too much for me, so how tf do I expect anyone else to deal with them. I feel alone a lot . I know i’m not the only one that goes through things but some days i just feel over the whole things and just even breathing. Some days I wish I took my meds but then I remember the meds just make me feel like shit.I should end this though. Again, I love you Shirlisha. Bye.

[journalforlee]

Day Thirty-Seven - June 27th, 2021

I thought my posts would be for good. That they would touch others. Others who feel the same way but my words To people i know gives them ammo. I’m done. I won’t be posting anymore. I just wanna live my life. I wanna be free. I no longer want to walk on eggshells with anyone because of how I feel. I just wanted this to be my own special coven. If I do decide to come back…which I doubt, things will be better. I’ll be better. I’ll be stronger. I’ll be rid of all who feels my emotions are too much for them. Bye.

[journalforlee]

Day Thirty - Six - June 26th, 2021

I haven’t written in a while. A lot has happened but it honestly all feels like its not worth talking about. My support group makes me feel so good. Always lifting me up. I do still feel like I have people in my life that expect me to do things for them and I feel like I shouldn’t do shit for them but it’s not in my heart to not do the shit they expect me to do if that makes sense. I can’t wait to be out on my own and it’s gonna happen. I have a partner who sees my life for what it is and doesn’t judge. I’ve been played many times. Hurt many times. Keeps me weary but i can’t wait to allow him deeper into my heart. I think about all my other birthdays. Who i had in my life back then. What i used to do. The thoughts i used to have. Just all the pain i kept in. Feels good to finally let that healing take place. Having someone who is so in sync with me helps the journey even more for me. I never thought I’d find a love so pure and genuine. I get words of affirmation without asking. I get spoiled without asking. I get affection without asking. I get love. I feel that love. Sometimes l have bad days. Even on my bad days when he’s busy he takes time out just for me. I never imagined myself having a boyfriend or even meeting someone’s family. I just never felt worth that step. I’m starting to see that I deserve the world. I deserve all the good. I even deserve some of the bad because the bad makes me stronger. I never thought I was strong before. Just thought I was weak because all I ever did was cry but making out of each depressive episode is a lot. I’m proud of myself for not actually harming myself again or actually killing myself. I see the beauty in life most days, others I don’t quite see it but I’m learning that’s okay. It’s okay to be unhappy and hurt sometimes. It’s okay to not want to smile. It’s okay to cry. None of that shit takes away from who you are as a person. I feel like I just wasn’t meant to be in a lot of people’s lives. Hurt people hurt. I’ve had people throw things in my face that I’ve vented to them about because they were hurt. I noticed and just brushed it off because i knew. No one should ever do that but they do. One moment sticks out the most when I think about it. My mom had told me she felt I had her running a brothel because she felt i had too many guy friends. I had only had my ex, my one guy friend and my current boyfriend over. I had vented to my guy friend and he threw that in my face. My mom is a very strict caribbean parent even with me being 23. So having people over is a no, unless she knows them. That shit stung because i debated even telling anyone. I still have love for him. That’ll never change. I learned that every person you lose is with reason. I treat every person lost as a lesson in life. I try not to think about it too long but if a person leaves your life with hurt, it’s the worst feeling. Especially when you’ve been friends for years. Like my ex best friend, I see our pictures and I miss that but without me shes doing way better. Thats how life works. Not everyone sticks around forever. I live in a world where to people who don’t look like me sometimes I don’t matter. I remember friday. I had gotten my whole paycheck stolen and I remember feeling pain. Just being wholeheartedly and genuinely sad. I was crying in my office and all anyone ever did was close their closet doors to ignore my emotions. I’m one of two black people in an entirely white office. I was actually the only one for a couple weeks. I felt at first like they were hesitant. You know but my work speaks for me. I just know not to actively speak of my emotions or show them again in that environment. I kinda should’ve expected it but they were all so welcoming at first. Living in this new place with people who don’t look like me is scary. I never wanted to raise my kids in an environment where they would have to fear being themselves. Loving who they are but it will be my role as a parent to let them know that they are beautiful inside out. I can’t wait to be a mother. Most days i just zone out and I think so deeply about it. I was made to be a mother. I was made to break the generational curse. A mother is necessary. I know from my trauma thar not having a loving parent fucks you up. It makes you feel alone. Unloved. Hurt. You just crave love. I reached the point where I craved it and just shunned it when I got it because it was so unfamiliar that I didn’t even know how to handle it. Love is so necessary. I want my kids to feel support. Never forced. I want them to have all the freedom I never had. Yes, being sheltered made me who i am but being sheltered still at the age of 23 sucks. My goal is to move out by the end of August and I’m longing for it. I’m going to be so mfn happy. I’m walking around naked. Allat. No rules. No nothing. Just happiness. Having bills isn’t even gonna be much of a stress for me cause by then I plan to be debt free. That feeling of no debt is going to be so good for me. It’s one of the reasons I feel like shit and often what leads me to want to just end it. I take accountability for my harsh spending. It’s definitely a coping mechanism for me. I haven’t done it in a while and I’m proud of myself for fighting those urges when I do have money. All of this writing doesn’t necessarily bring me relief but it allows me to put a lot into perspective. I have tons of thoughts. I don’t overthink too much lately. I try my best to go with the flow of life. If bad comes I face it. If good comes I embrace it. Just going through this transition. I feel it’ll all be worth it. I don’t think I have much else to write. So bye.

[journalforlee]

Day twenty-seven - June 17th, 2021

Hi,

Today, I had a major breakdown and admitted to my father I wanted to end my shit. He swerved and almost got into an accident. I feel like a failure in many aspects of life. I never knew I had so many tears. Think I’m getting my karma now. I just wanna stop breathing. I was so deep into my thoughts that I forgot about my lizards... I didn’t even think to say goodbye. I just said bye to the trees and all of earth then sat with my eyes closed and pictured darkness forever. It was calm. All the noise was shut out in that moment. In that moment, I felt peace. I don’t think I took my meds today which is why it was maybe so intense. I don’t have much else to say. I love you Lee. You are so beautiful. You are a gem. You love so hard when it comes to the people who will never love you the same. Let the love in. Please? If we are gonna ride through this...I need you to allow yourself to let love in. You shutdown and it’s over. Can I get a kiss? And can you make it last forever? Said I’m about to go to war and ion know if imma see you again. I wanna see you flourish. I love you. Put you first. It’s okay to cry okay? Although, they make it seem as though your tears make you weak, you are so strong mama. I read something in a book today and it reminded me of you Leelee...that triggers you, I’m sorry...Lee. It said, “eventually the girl you took for granted will take her love and give it to herself and someday someone better than you will love her in all the ways you couldn’t.” Shit hit deep huh? I love you. Bye

[journalforlee]

Day twenty-one - June 12th, 2021

Hi,

Today was long. Tiring. Just a lot. My body is tired. I’m writing this before bed as I face a blunt. I sat and thought about how much I do for others as I drove today. No one ever really says thank you. It hurts me somewhere deep inside but on the surface, I seem unfazed. I think that shit is my biggest downfall because who will ever know my emotions but me. I try to be expressive to those I love and try to communicate. Like my relationship with my eldest sister has flourished and it makes me feel happy because we are the same person. We look the same and are the same. Having someone I can confide in makes me so happy on the inside. Besides confiding in my boyfriend, it feels good to have her. I see my future clearish. I just want happiness and I’ll get that by working through this pain. So with that, I’m done. Bye. Imma be singing new apartment by ari.

[journalforlee]

Day twenty - June 11th, 2021

Hi,

Some days I just feel like I need not to be here anymore and it doesn’t scare me. Is that scary? Today was supposed to be a really good day but instead my mom took it as a chance to make it about herself. I have moments where I feel intense rage on the inside but never express it. I legit wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the fuck up. I have never cursed at my mom or felt the need to despite whatever hurt she puts on me but it felt so necessary this time. Today was my little brother’s graduation and it didn’t seem like that at all. It seemed like torture even for him. I feel like we are both equally tired of her. I cannot wait to move tf out and be out on my own in my own space. Other times, I just feel like swallowing a bunch of pills. Today, I physically imagined myself cutting my wrists. That’s how deep my rage was but hopefully I’ll “get rid of it”. Lol. Bye

[journalforlee]

Day nineteen - June 10th, 2021

Hi,

Today I over exerted myself a lot but i was productive. Did mani and pedis with my boo and also admitted to my dad that I have ptsd. His words were, “you just have to get rid of it”. Like ptsd is that easy. I don’t have much to say. So I’m just gonna say bye.

[journalforlee]

Day eighteen - June 9th, 2021

Hi,

Today started off with me having some fainting spells. I wanna try to rest but just can’t. I have done so much. I hate the hospital I swear I do. They stuck an iv in my shit and I’m still aching hours later. I legit told my father about me having fainting spells and having to call out, he just yelled at me. I get it. New job. Just started but if I’m unwell, I don’t think I’ll put out the best work. I have to put some hard work in when I do go back in which would be possibly Monday. I think today was productive. Productivity means a lot to me. I am pooped though but probably won’t sleep. My lizard Jasper is acting a plum fool rn. I love it. Today after the e.r I cuddled him or was it before. It was actually before and after. Jasper has helped me through so many things. I don’t see him as a pet just a being. My being. One of my favorites. His birthday is coming soon and it amazes me how big he has gotten. I’ll probably post a video of him from young to him now. I don’t have much else to write. Gonna watch Leprechaun w. my stinkuh & relax. Bye.

[journalforlee]

Day seventeen - June 8th, 2021

Hi,

Today has left me so happy. I actually felt true genuine happiness today. Life. My day actually started off shit because of no sleep, accident injuries, allat. I was just not feeling work or even getting up out of bed. It was all worth being there. I feel so appreciated and loved in this new work environment. It makes me so happy. Also, spoke to someone I hurt very deeply.. I feel as though things are lighter. I’m so happy I got to speak to her and actually not argue. I was a little tight in the middle of the conversation but I feel like everything will be amazing. I’m looking forward to whatever comes next on this journey that I’m in the process of. I can’t wait to be dangling the keys of my new jeep...more than that, the keys to my new apartment. It’s gonna the best time of my life. I’ll work my ass off to maintain that freedom. This basement is amazing but it’s just not what I want. I feel so restricted. I feel suffocated. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel depressed. I just feel mad uncomfortable here. It’s not the space I need to heal even though I try to make it my home. This place isn’t home. It’s just filled with a lot of animosity and hurt. I can thrive in hurt..I can make it the fire under my ass to go harder but is it worth it? I get those days where I feel like YEAAAAAH I’M GETTING OUT AND I’M GETTING MY JEEP then others where I feel like, they’ll probably just find my body here after a few days. I remember the times when my depressive episodes would get so bad, I would lock myself in my room filled with snacks and eat my life away. They never checked on me. I think the longest I went was four days or so. I swear to you there was no tree tree involved either. Shit like that is crazy to think about. I feel like mentally I’m maturing. My mindset is becoming more adult like. I think about the future a lot. I try to speak things into existence. A LOT. I always feel like shit happens that way. Karma is no one’s friend though. I think of life that way. You get what you put out only if it’s genuine and filled with love, other than that it’s pointless... I wanna be a good mom. I crave that. I want them to feel all the ways I didn’t. I want their thoughts to be heard...good and bad...their words to be known to them as powerful...their feelings to be valid...You don’t realize how much childhood trauma can affect you in your adulthood. That’s why I crave that because no one forced onto this earth should have to go through dealing with shitty ass parents and a world filled with shitty ass people but I digress, I’m happy. I love life right now. I have some complications because of the accident but I’m gonna work through them. Just haven’t been feeling physically well but it’s okay. I got this. Well, thank you for coming to my ted talk. See you on the flipside bucko. Toodles

[journalforlee]

Day sixteen - June 7th, 2021

Hi,

Some days I just feel like a bad person and that everything everyone says about me is true. Some days I hate that I woke up. Lately it feels like my body has no peace at all. I can’t even fall asleep lately without being off my rockets. I’m just tired of being in this uncomfortable situation. Day by day I lose friends but I think they never really were my friends. That’s some hard shit to swallow. Imagine being around people for years and never knowing their full intention or how badly your friendship would end. It hurts. I carry aches and pains along with hurt every single day. I go through that shit and I eat it all up. Sometimes, I don’t even deal with that pain. With my ptsd, I’ve noticed a lot of scary things that might’ve happened to me. How badly it can affect some of my relationships especially with my dad. I took some time out of the house and I am now in a better head space. I feel loved, Not sure if I love myself but I feel loved. If that makes sense. Bye.

[journalforlee]

Day fourteen / fifteen - June 5th & 6th, 2021

Hi,

Felt productive today. Did a lot. Got a lot done. Not much else to say. Bye.

[journalforlee]

Day thirteen - June 4th, 2021

Hi,

I’m feeling annoyed as I write this and I also don’t have anything to say due to my tiredness. Today was long. I worked and I ached but I’m making great strives within the company already. I feel like I’m good at whatever I put my mind into. That’s about it. Bye

[journalforlee]

Day twelve - June 3rd, 2021

Hi,

This new job has me slightly overwhelmed and wanting to quit already due to the fact that things aren’t as professional as I thought. Today, I had to do inventory, my title is accountant intern...not Inventory Specialist. My back was killing me and on top of that I just feel tired. There is never anything for me to do but sit in that damn chair and make myself look busy which is hard. I’m just tired. I wanted something that was light work but it’s hard when there is no work. I’m new. I don’t want to look like I’m just sitting around. On top of that, I be forgetting to take my damn meds...so I start to get tired and blank out. I even thought about leaving earlier than I was supposed to today. I just wanna be where I need to be but I also don’t want to lose myself in that process. I get really into everything that I do which gets me drained. I thought this job would be perfect but they act like they have so much to do but I never have a task at hand. My body hurts from lifting those boxes. I’m just over it but imma actually try to get through it. The nights have been better. Well last night was because I took my sleeping meds for the episodes. I was super smacked, so I was tired as hell when I woke up. Not gonna get too zooted today but i definitely deserve it. That’s all I have to say. Bye.

[journalforlee]

Day eleven - June 2nd, 2021

Hi,

I started a new job today. It was great. It was a little nerve wrecking but it went well. The only thing is I started getting a bit frustrated because of the lack of work. The people were amazing but I zoomed through my tasks pretty quickly. I also started to zone out because I hadn’t taken my meds. It was kinda scary because I was in a new environment with new people who don’t even know. Shit my mom doesn’t even know and I live in the same house as her. Can you believe that? I fear telling her about my ptsd because she’ll just tell me, “what have you been through to cause you to have ptsd?” Or call me a hypochondriac. I don’t have much to say today but that my body hurts and I’m finally happy to find out what the damage is from my car accident even though it is a video call lol. I took two eddies. We finna see what it give. Bye.

[journalforlee]

Day ten - June 1st, 2021

Hi,

I woke up and last night was probably one of my worse nights. I can’t remember much of the resurfacing memories but it was scary. I just kept tossing and turning. I had moments where I would cry, shake, hyperventilate, have the inability to talk and I would blank out. Some sensations made it even worse for me. It was like I didn’t see anything but I felt everything. The scariest part is I don’t know what happened to me. Every memory shows that I was touched by either the same person or different people but their faces are blurred. It makes it hard for me to believe if this is real or if my mind is playing tricks on me but I doubt it. Other than that I have a productive day ahead of me. Got a lot to do. Finished a majority of what I have to do today. Got a great opportunity and I’m so happy for it. I start work tomorrow and I’m so happy for that. Currently sitting here with dye in my hair because why not go darker than my pink I had. Lol. I feel good being productive but it’s also very tiring for me. Finna eat swell and watch ahs while my hair processes. I am actually really happy I started this blog. My entries some days seem to get shorter and shorter because in reality, some days as someone going through mental illness, you just don’t want to talk about it. I had to realize that but in my relationship, I’ve never honestly been so open with anyone about all my thoughts or everything that has happened. Last night was so scary but he was there. He tried to hold me but I just didn’t want to be held. I love him. Bye.

[journalforlee]

Day nine - May 31st, 2021

Hi,

I feel so much better talking to my man. He gets me and he understands. I don’t think I’ve been loved this much by anyone, not even my parents. It feels really good to be loved. Finally got my erase board thanks to him and it feels good. Really good. I was actually pretty productive and I felt lethargic earlier but I tried this new liquid chlorophyll. Feeling way better. Being more productive will lead to a healthier life and not only that but more money. I don’t have much to say but I’m happy right now...I hope nothing ruins it like always. That might be me basically jinxing myself but it happens. Knowing what’s actively been going on with me has helped me a huge ass stretch. I feel like knowing about my ptsd has made me more open in my relationship to all the things that hurt me in the past. I couldn’t ask for anyone else to be with honestly. Never had anyone look so deeply into me that they automatically know that something is wrong by one little movement I do or just...it’s amazing. This love was something I feel I deserved. It took a lot of trauma and heartbreak but I’m happy. Also did a photoshoot my boo did for me, so yeah loving that a lot. Bye.