journalinghippy

[journalinghippy]

For context, what better way than to start from the beginning?

Growing up, stability was just a word in the dictionary for me. Recently, I was thinking back to my earliest memories. Positive moments barely existed.

Some of my first recalled memories include a football to the face at 4, my grandfather's death at 5, and an Ohio winter that's barely hanging on.

I don't remember much, but I do know that my father was involved seldomly and my mother is an addict. I suppose it's your typical divorced family..

My parents divorced when I was 5, I don't remember them together. After the divorce, my mother moved my sister and I back to the state she called home. This meant my father is now hundreds of miles away. We will start with him.

It's crazy, because my earliest memory of him is at 10 or 11 years old. My birthday is coming up and I had only asked him for one thing. An Ipod. Surprised I had actually gotten it, I excitedly called and thanked him. He had said that he went ahead and added the first song onto it, our song. Waterfalls by TLC. What's even crazier, I had no recollection or memory attached to this song. So as I listen to TLC, I try to envision what it was that made Waterfalls our song.

Since then, we've been in contact here and there throughout the 25 years we've been apart. I've even seen him in person a few times when he is passing through when traveling. The last I recall him coming to visit just for me was my high school graduation. The last time I've seen him in person was when I traveled through for a cruise and he happened to be able to meet us. What's funny is that I have memories back when my parents were together, he was just never in any. I remember my grandparents and certain toys I had to play with there to even a fucking football that hit me dead in the eye.

All in all, our relationship is more so, acquainted. I never received the father love the internet portrays exist. I never had the special father-daughter moments that were supposed to teach me the way a lady should be treated. Talking to him as an adult, he feels like a stranger. To put some perspective into it, I had a child recently. Since finding out I was pregnant, I've maybe spoken to him a total of five times. I have a nine month old. I was also pregnant for nine months. I don't even want to do the math on that.

Seeing this all in writing has made me realize how absent he actually is. I mean.. the last time I talked to him he was still under the impression I was doing a profession I retired from about a year prior. Here I was thinking my mother was worse. Who knows... maybe after writing it all out, she may still be.

My intention was to include both my parents onto this post, but it seems they both deserve their own posts.

[journalinghippy]

Hello,

I'm JournalingHippy. I am a thirty year old human being who is just trying to be present and aware. I often find myself tangled in my web of thoughts and anxiety with no outlet for release.

I am unsure of how I plan to coordinate this account. Maybe it'll be a keepsake of my deepest thoughts and desires. Perhaps this will be where I go to brain dump. Or, the tale of a broken woman will soon await you.

I honestly couldn't tell you. The way the narration in my head goes, it could be all three.

Whatever the reason, if you found yourself to me..

Welcome.