journalofabrokenheartedvirgin - Tumblr blog

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 1

you fell in love with him, and that’s okay. let yourself realize that and acknowledge that it is not embarrassing. don’t keep making yourself feel bad by telling yourself it is. just because you never ended up together and he didn’t fall for you doesn’t make it embarrassing. you feel what you feel. that’s okay. developing feelings is not a surprise when you look at how he acted with you and what you two did together. you are not stupid for how you feel towards him despite the outcome. you’re still in love with him. that’s okay. 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 2

Things that remind me of him:

hozier

the pier

stargazing

dad’s front lawn

Mile Hill

beach by the restaurant

stage on boardwalk

the parking lot by the lake

the back alley by Caden's 

sushi

park you can see from the bridge 

tarentino movies

any fidget ring

the snow

avocado’s

The other restaurant

*it’s okay to view these things with sadness right now. eventually you’ll be able to acknowledge them with him mind but they will no longer make you sad. they are good memories that hurt right now but will turn into good memories that make you smile and can tell stories about. 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 3

this thing with him was never supposed to last, you guys just needed each other at that moment in your lives. he needed me to get over Nicole and I needed him to…

i’m not actually sure. maybe to show me that my feelings can be reciprocated (even though it hurt in the end). maybe to show me that even when they don’t outwardly treat me like dad, boys can still be just like him and i need to recognize those similarities and stay away. boys like that won’t make me happy. whatever the reason was, I’m grateful that we needed each other. we were meant to happen, just not to be. 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 4

my first kiss was a breakup kiss for a relationship i never had

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 5

you feel as if this was your one chance at finding (a possibility of) love. you feel as if this was your one chance and you failed. it could have gone differently…

but what if i did this… but what if i said this…

what if…what if…what if??

just because there are what if’s doesn’t mean you failed.

you feel as if it is impossible for someone to love you, to find someone who wants you. you don’t think anyone could feel that same way about you. this whole situation seems like it should help you feel better about finding someone to love but for some reason it’s making you feel worse. i don’t know why.

you’ll find love someday. you have to believe that even if you don’t.

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 6

why am i so upset about this? it’s a stupid boy I’ve known for less than a year and we were never a thing. it’s fucking embarrassing, i shouldn’t be this fucking sad over a situationship. i’m going to be heartbroken for longer than we were talking. that’s ridiculous. i went into it knowing nothing could come of it, but like the stupid bitch i am, i had hope that maybe something could happen. now look at me. what a dumb feeling that was. this whole thing hurts me so much but he didn’t do anything bad. he didn’t lead me on. he told me the situation wouldn’t work out, he never made a move on me until i made one on him. he was respectful and kind with me, he did nothing wrong. i am not too good for him. i am not a person that he is not worthy of. everything happened the way it happened, he did nothing wrong and you’re stupid for being sad about it. 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 7

Liam is leaving tomorrow, wednesday June 30, 2021.

i will not see him for over a year.

i will not see or hear from him for over a year. 

*he didn’t leave wednesday (yesterday). Veronica saw him at his house via snap and his brother told us he’s leaving friday the 2nd (tomorrow). he never fails to confuse and frustrate me.

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 8

spending time with him hurts because i am in the same room as the boy i’m in love with and he will never know how much he means to me or the full extent of my feelings and how he made me feel and it’s just weird to be looking at him knowing what happened between us and he’s acting like it never happened. knowing he’s got Sophia now. someone he probably doesn’t have to take it slow with because he doesn’t have to be respectful of the fact she hadn’t had her first kiss or her first boyfriend or any of that shit. it feels as if i was keeping him from a relationship that could have been more physical and i hope he doesn’t resent me for that. i will be forever grateful that he respected me enough to never make me uncomfortable but i feel bad for what i may have made him miss out on. but back to the main point, we sit there together and he will never know because i never gave him the  and I’d never straight up say that to him, because what good does that do? doesn’t benefit either of us. i wish he could know but he won’t. i wonder if he ever thinks about what happened with us or if he’s put it out of his mind. i hope i made him feel as amazing as he made me feel. i wish he had told me his side of things, to know what he was thinking and feeling. but as with my feelings, i will never know his. 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

page 9

dad like traits:

adventurer 

outgoing

spontaneous

ADHD

going out and living an exciting life

i know i’m not right for him, we have very different lifestyles and just with my parents, i think he would get bored of me. he is a lot more adventurous and zealous than i am and he wouldn’t like that. i also don’t have as much of a passion for knowledge the way he does so he’d probably get bored that way as well. he’ll meet a lot of people who are more his speed and he’ll be a lot happier with them then he ever would have been with me. he deserves someone who will match his lifestyle, someone he can have an exciting life with. we never would have worked out 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 10

i don’t understand why i have such a hard time grasping the concept that men can feel love for their spouses and children. i know that doesn’t make sense and it’s really bad to think they can’t but everytime i think about it, it amazes me that they can. Jackson told me to find someone who proves my “narrative” wrong but I’m scared i won’t. how can i believe someone loves me if i can’t even believe they love anyone?

Jackson thinks it might be because of dad, which technically makes sense but i definitely think there’s more to it and i wish i could figure it out. i think if i understood where it stems from i could fix the feeling. i want to believe they can, because realistically i know they do, and i hope i really do meet someone who proves that to me.

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 11

i crave a relationship and affection. however, after Liam i am very afraid of getting into a serious relationship with someone because i am so fucking sad over a guy i was never with, i’ve been crying over him for almost 6 months (longer than we were even talking) so I’m scared of what might happen if i breakup with someone who i’m actually with. with someone who i spend more time with, someone i get to know even better than i did with him, someone i have sex with. how the fuck am i going to survive that when it feels like i can’t survive this? also i used to say that because sex makes me so uncomfortable i’d only do it with someone i am in love with, which i always believed would take a very long time. but this first time around, it only took me 4 months. 4 months. that’s not a long time AT ALL. i would have let Liam take my virginity because I felt so comfortable and safe with him and trusted him so much. how can I let someone do that if i (seem to) fall so quickly? the idea of sex scares me and i want to to do it with someone who i love and who loves me and the idea i might let it happen so early kind of scares me. i feel like i need to take it slower when (if) i ever get with someone. it also surprised me how quickly i fell, i never would have thought that would have happened and i hope in the future I won’t do that as fast, it seems dangerous for that to happen. i have to be careful with that. Falling in love too fast can get you hurt. i never thought i’d fall for him, i think i was even denying it to myself at one point, but it happened and i can’t change that, i just have to move forward. 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 12

another thing that has always been hard for me to grasp is how two people can feel romantically about each other at the same time. like yes i understand i’ve had that once, but i can’t see it happening again, it just seems like it should be a rare thing, like how the fuck do people feel the same about each other? that is something else that amazes me when i think about it. two completely different individuals can spend enough time together and get to know each other enough to the point they fall in love. how fucking amazing man, it’s fucking amazing. i truly hope it happens to me again, even though i 1) don’t think i’ll ever find love, that no one will ever fall for me, and 2) don’t believe men feel love so both of those things go against my hope for love. 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 13

although i believe that it is just me as a person in general, there are two major things about myself that i am afraid will keep me from finding love. the first is my unfortunate fear of sex. and yes, i did say i would have let Liam take my virginity, the idea of actually doing it makes me very uncomfortable. i am scared no one is going to wait for me to feel comfortable enough to let them do it with me. and obviously i know that if they leave because i won’t have sex with them right off the bat they aren’t the one for me, but what if every guy i have an encounter with does that? Liam was so respectful and never made a move on me and I’m scared I’m never going to find that again in another person. he knew about me and and my relationship with boys and relationships so he made me feel comfortable, always, and i want to find someone who will also be like that. someone who won’t kiss me on the first date, who will be okay with taking things slower for me so i’m more comfortable. but, i don’t know if that’ll ever happen because plenty of men prioritize the physical aspect of a relationship when it is that part that makes me so nervous. the second big thing is my anxiety. it’s not the worst that someone can have, but it’s definitely a large part of my life and i’m very worried they won’t want to deal with my anxiety attacks or my day to day anxiety. i’m worried they’ll think it’s too much to handle and i’m not worth the effort of dating someone with mental health issues. one of the most important aspects in a relationship for me is compassion and patience and i need a partner who can understand, care, and be patient with me when i am having an attack. I don’t know if anyone will want to do that. i’m afraid i won’t find someone who is both okay with my my fear of physicality and my anxiety. 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 14

i want to understand why i am afraid of someone pleasuring me, like the thought of that happening makes me so uncomfortable. i don’t really want to have someone do that to me. it took awhile for me to figure out that the aspect of someone having the ability of making me feel good and then being able to know they are doing that to me is what makes me so uncomfortable with it. i’m happy i finally figured that out but i am still stuck on why. what in my life has made me afraid of someone (hopefully that i know and love) making me feel good, like that is the opposite of what that knowledge should make me feel. i should be excited that someone would want to do that for me but for some reason it makes me cringe. it also branches into the terms making love and make love. i want intimacy and love but those terms make me feel so gross. why does the intimacy i crave make me feel so bleh? the obvious answer would be because i don’t feel like i have a lot of control over myself in my life so not having control of my body like that scares me, but I personally think that is too simple. i truly believe there is something else that is blocking me from being okay with letting someone do that for me. but that’s why I feel stupid about my uncomfortability with that because i don’t really have a reason. i was never sexually abused or graped, sex (and receiving pleasure) was never taught to be viewed in a bad way to me, i have no religious trauma concerning it, etc… etc… it’s just there and i suppose i should figure it out before i get a significant other because that is definitely not something they should have to deal with, they should’t have to wait for me to figure out my sexual problems to be able to be with me. i’m just uncomfortable with the idea of talking to Jackson about it. I can hardly talk to my friends about it. i know i can and should feel like i can, which technically i know i can, she’s very trustworthy and unerstanding of everything, but just talking about it makes me concave into myself. she can help me but can i force myself to actually ask for it or will i let it fester in me because i feel embarrassed about it? it’s all so stupid, all i need to do is figure out the root cause, but how the fuck am i supposed to do that, i’ve been trying for years now. I’ve tried “deep diving” into myself to find an answer but i have literally 0 clue on how to find answers like that, i get nothing from doing that. but that seems to be how most people find answers for themselves. it’s all so frustrating, why can’t i figure out what the fuck is wrong with me?

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 15

things i know are NOT the root of my sexual fears 

lack of control in my life

religious trauma

feeling like i don’t deserve it

not wanting to put myself before others 

feeling bad for wanting good things

knowing they can leave at any point (after seeing me like that)

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 16

Veronica once said she thinks i and very “crushable”. i don’t agree with her. there have only been like 4 boys in my entire life who have liked me (and one of them being a Nice Guy tm so i hardly count him). i just can’t see myself as someone who a person can have a crush on and feel all the emotions i feel when i like someone, it doesn’t register in my mind that anyone would like me like that. i also can’t imagine a guy ever being nervous around me or because of me, i feel like i will always be the one who feels nervous and worried the other might not feel the same and awkward etc… i feel like guys will never be like that about me, like i will always be the timid , scared one who doesn’t know how things work. in the book i’m reading one of the characters thinks about how she’s on a date “with a man with great hands that he kept blowing on all through dinner because for once in her life, a man was nervous to impress her. instead of the other way around.” that really struck me because that is how i always feel. everytime Liam and i hung out, i’d always get so nervous like 15 minutes before he would show up and i can’t imagine him feeling the same.

also, sadly, i just can’t see what people see in me that would make them crush on me, i’m not special, i’m not incredibly smart or super good at anything, I’m not talented or interesting so i guess i’ll never understand why Veronica thinks i’m crushable. 

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 17

i should delete his texts, i know i should. but it’s comforting knowing i still have the nice things he used to say to me. i need to delete them. but i can’t. not yet.