joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Monster

imagine a big, big hole a big black hole, like in space

now throw in ten million flashing colors and lights and noises and thoughts and worries and fears

and you might begin to understand what’s inside my head

it can overtake me at any moment as soon as this monster inside has decided ive had enough i shut down shut off like a switch being flipped and suddenly i cant see around the pounding of my heart or the constriction of my lungs

it makes me want to run

run and run and get far away go away and not come back for a while

i want to take a long nap

a really long nap

i want to sleep for days but sleeping too much also makes this monster come alive

he’s a fickle master

never too far away to remind me randomly by surprise that he is always watching

sometimes he slinks back into the shadows but i can always feel a little bit of that neon darkness over my

shoulder

these moments are bad for a different reason

no longer fully blind i get the pleasure of seeing what i have done to everyone stupid enough to come near me

this monster is a hungry creature he wants everyone else to join his mass

so through my mouth or my fingers on keys topics suddenly change energy shifts and i ruin everything

i don’t understand why anyone stays near me when i cant even control myself enough to contain my mess of a brain

it must be so annoying so depressing to be around me

maybe i’m a charity case they feel too bad to turn their backs even when it would be so much better for them if they did

i am not a good friend good friends don’t make everything about them all the time

good friends don’t make everything about how they struggle in the middle of normal conversations

spirals happen far too fast compared to the mess i have to clean up when they’re over

i’m sorry i’m so sorry to anyone who has to put up with me because they’re in too deep to turn back now

it’s ok, you can leave ignore me and my toxic demands and pleas and do what is best for yourself

i’m sorry you’ve been trapped this long

i lied

the monster, the black hole, the terrible thing, isn’t inside me

it is me

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Tantrum

i don’t have the words to ask for help

i don’t know how to help myself

my mind is a scrambled rubik's cube

and i dont have the skills to put it in order

i don’t have the words for how i feel

the only way i know how to communicate

is by throwing myself on the ground

and screaming and screaming and screaming

until the pressure building inside settles down

i dont have the time for a hobby

i cant be near my friends without bringing them down

im a terrible, negative person to be around

and i dont deserve the people who stick by my side

when it all gets too much i shut down

it happens about once a day

and this pressure inside me keeps building and building

it has nowhere to go in this tiny cube of a shared room

i want to run far far away

i want to cry and kick and scream

until i dont hurt with every breath anymore

but i just swallow it down and bury and bury

what else am i supposed to do

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Pressure Cooker

the best years of my life

stepping foot onto this campus drapes a fog over me like a wet wool blanket clinging and dripping and it’s always hard to breath

long long days of this and that and each class seems fine but not all together page after page of reading slips by me until every word blurs together and i cant remember which words are for which class

i feel like

this is going to end poorly

an explosion, a bright flashing moment when i just cant anymore

its all too much and the worst part is

i want more

i want more friends i want more clubs i want more classes and work and pressure because if i don’t constantly cook myself alive in this stupid pressure cooker of a campus

i dont know who i would be

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Scribble

Me and my ipad against the world because i can scribble and scribble and ruin and destroy and prove to myself how i cant even do something as simple as draw a shape or a line even that i fuck up

but the only person it hurts is me and my ipad

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Pacifier

Typing one handed knowing both hands could be free

if I wasn’t so afraid of what memories it might bring

Thoughts slipping naturally for the first time in months

wondering if maybe now is the time to try again

I feel safe and content and maybe it would be ok...

But I don’t want the taste of poison back in my mouth just because I wanted my pacifier

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Sun-soaked

The sun will rise and we will try again

No matter how many sunrises it takes or how many sunsets are soaked in pain after a failed day

The sun will rise and we will try again

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Calendar

Marking off every day with a big bold X

Three Four

Rereading again and again Hovering over the send button

Delete, delete, delete

If I move first, nothing changes

If you move first, everything hurts as day after day is marked off the calendar

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Unsent

“Can you believe I already have 20 pages of poetry in my newest document? I’m so glad you encouraged me to take up this hobby again”

“Bro, did you hear about the rat in Lawrence? That’s just crazy”

“I’ve finally felt invested in a fandom/hobby again! I would love to tell you far too much about it and show you all my new art and fics! You’ll probably judge me for the content tho”

“Your DnD campaigns ended, huh? How did they go? What paths did the players take? Tell me all about it!”

“I’ve felt kinda lonely lately, without you and everything,,”

“Hey do you want to hang out tmrw? It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other!”

“I’m so sorry for everything. I don’t know how to make it all better, but I’m sorry, and I understand if you can’t stand me anymore”

“Almost winter break! When does K******’s break start? It sucks that she only has like a week or two, we have so long!”

“Let’s hang out again. I miss talking to you.”

“Hey, got any new music recs for me? I’m kinda in a music rut rn”

“I just spent so much money on stickers, let me show you!”

“              ”

I just desperately miss talking with you.

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Sun-soaked

The sun will rise and we will try again

No matter how many sunrises it takes or how many sunsets are soaked in pain after a failed day

The sun will rise and we will try again

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

One Tin Solider Rides Away

“Go ahead and hate your neighbor, Go ahead and cheat a friend If you do it in the name of heaven You can justify it in the end”

Words bite like a bullwhip across my vulnerable and open front Blood dripping from broken skin Flesh torn apart like a tissue

Crying and smiling at the same time It doesn’t even hurt The vicious victory of finally knowing the truth far outweighs any pain

Do I even know you anymore?

When did we last talk together laugh together say something un-guarded and un-haunted

We are both drowning under the weight of your guilt

You avoid me because you are afraid of how it will read splashed across the cover of some magazine

Am I just some PR nightmare?

You can balance her and me without tipping the scale so far to one side the other is left clinging to hardly a thread to stay involved

When you tell me to back off don’t act surprised by how far back I can go

There is nothing I will not change about myself there is no part of me so valuable that I will not give it up to stay by your side

Even if by your side means shoved into a corner hardly in view anymore

I want to know your truth so I can make it my own truth where everything is my fault and it is all on me to make it better

Coming on strong didn’t work to keep you from running away so maybe if I fade away you will finally notice

Or you’ll take the easy out and I’ll never hear from you again

I’m afraid to make you work for this even though I have spent so long spending every second of my thoughts figuring out how to be better for you

I’ve never felt farther away from you and I’ve never felt more alone Drowning as you shove me under the waves again and again casually extending a lifeline when you have no-one else to turn to or who is more worthy of your time and I can at last be of some use

I do not want to be your sun I just want to be allowed back into your solar system You do not need to revolve around me like I revolve around you

I’m satisfied with being a small little rock that drifts in and out of your orbit on your command

Desperately waiting on call to be drawn back into your life

It is not about texting

It is about talking Any form of talking

I just want to speak with you again like we used to do for hours

In person, digitally, it is all the same

But it is easier to ask for a text that you can send at your leisure than to demand to see you face to face

I am desperate I feel us getting farther and farther apart Are we still friends? It doesn’t feel like it

Friends talk more than once a month, right?

Watching a slowly darkening sky sitting together in my car not a care in the world besides getting to know each other better better than nearly anyone else did

Being best friends, which is all I ever wanted

That same car where I cried going 90 down a highway blinded by my tears and hoping for a miracle or a crash Aren’t they synonymous?

I don’t know how to share my feelings without going on the offensive but I don’t want to hurt anyone

Intentions mean nothing when pain is the result, though

I don’t know how to fix myself Tell me more about how I can be better Tell me how to fix myself to meet your standards I will be anything do anything to stay in your life to even the smallest degree

You say you won’t leave, but it feels like you already have

You do not have to choose her over me or vice versa

We spent two years both being part of your life balancing that scale without even knowing it was there Why does that need to change?

Hate is just a fancy word for avoidance

This does not need to be a battle but I don’t know how to understand when you only speak honestly in anger

Hate me, hate me, hate me It’s what I deserve for making this whole mess This is all my fault from the very start It was my mistake after my mistake

It’s no wonder you can’t stand to be around me anymore

I’ve shown that I can’t make smart choices or be a good person or be a good friend

So why would you let me in? I’ve shown again and again that I would just fuck it up

I’m so sorry

I am so sorry

All I want is your forgiveness but I feel like whenever I ask for it my words are too vague or my tone is too sharp

and I just end up making another mistake.

I am so sorry.

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Just Kidding!

“Hey man, you know that feeling when you want to k*ll yourself?”

A joking tone, a laugh passed between friends

“Of course, I don’t want to actually d*e or anything…”

Of course, of course, of course

“But sometimes I wonder…”

Wonder, just curiosity, nothing more

“Would that make people care?”

Silence, silence

“Would it make them regret their choices?”

Silence, silence, silence

“Maybe I would finally get the attention I want…”

Silence, silence, silence, silence

“Maybe they would finally feel bad.”

Silence, silence, silence, silence, s i l e n c e

“Just kidding! Like I said, of course I don’t want to actually die.”

...Of course, of course, of course

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Lies are a Spiral Waiting to Happen

Don’t lie to me

I don’t care whose sake it’s for or what you were trying to do

Lies are dripping with poison and sting like a lash Reasons don’t matter when the result hurts anyway

Little white lies are never little A misdirection or coverup is see-through

Just tell me directly when you’re busy or annoyed or done with talking

Just don’t ever lie to me It hurts so much more

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Lost in Translation

Sometimes I feel like there are two different languages being spoken between us

What I say never gets through to you What you say is never understood clearly

I wonder if you have the same trouble with languages How do you feel about me and my words? How should I feel about you and yours?

Why can’t we both just talk and

understand

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Teacups

If I filled teacups with tears I would fill shelves and shelves Delicate porcelain lining the walls and Eventually filling the floor

Alice nearly drowned in a pool of her tears I would never escape the ocean of mine

Why do I spend time with people who can’t pretend to care?

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Trampled

A tiny little flower Easily trampled underfoot

Her squeaky little voice cannot be heard by most As she reaches into the sky, a full height of just inches

It isn’t hard to ignore the little flower For the bright tall blooms filling the field

Who would pick a little, bent, and broken flower She isn’t worth their time or energy

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Self-Love

I am a narcissist

Because I have to be If you can love yourself More than anything else

It doesn’t matter that everyone else hates you

I can tolerate Everyone else tolerating Me

I don’t need them I am all I need

Whenever I forget that, it ruins me.

[joyfullydecaffeinatedmentality]

Tape and Twine

I am a little christmas gift sitting under a tree

Ten layers of tape done up by clumsy hands and tied with three bits of twine

I need someone to come at me with their sharpest scissors

I want to unwarp myself but I don’t know how