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FULL BODY SEARCH | Papers, Please #3

Key:

[words] = Descriptive

{words} = Voicing in-game character

+words+ = Voicing non-game character

words (in bold) = Said in ‘Arstotzkan’ accent

‘words’ = In game text

(words/letters) = Mispronunciation by JSE

Note: Transcript will be using British English.

Transcript:

Top of the mornin to ye laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye and welcome back to Papers, Please! Now, I should say a few things about this game before I get back into it because time is of the essence with this game. So, first things first, I am not good at this game. I know that. I have a lot of people come to me in the comments saying: Jesus Jack you don’t need to inspect every little tiny piece of information! I do! Because I’m not good at discerning these things, like, when I’m under time constraints. I get very panicky. I- I’m not good at cross-referencing information myself. So I’m relying a lot on what the game is telling me to do. I know I get through less people that way but you have to think about this game from a newbie standpoint. A lot of you have played the game a lot by now and know a lot of what you’re doing when you get to end-game, the starting days probably seem very very easy now. So watching somebody who’s new to the game do it all over again is very hard to watch. So I apologise for that but I’m still going to need as much time as I can. I’m not gonna get through, like, 11 people a day, because I’m not- just not that good at it; and, to be frank, the- it was comments like that and the pressure of being able to- the pressure of trying to be good at the game was stopping me from playing it again, and that’s why there was such a gap between the second episode and this one. Because I was just afraid, I was afraid of getting in and playing the game again and having people say that I was bad at it all that kinda stuff but, I just need to put that outta my head and play it because I know a lot of you still haven’t played it yourselves and you’re still going along with it the way I am. So, I don’t- let me play the game the way I want to play it. Let me play it the way I’m going to play it organically and then after that if I fail, I fail. I can go back and try it again and get better and better and better, and learn as I go. So, I- I- I thank you any- [audio glitch] tips for the game. Like, legitimate proper tips. I have gotten some good tips that I wasn’t able to implement for the second episode because I had to bulk record them, so I didn’t get a chance to see the comments on the last one- or, the first one until, like, the second one had already gone up. So I- I apologise for that. Um, but- um, let’s get back in. ‘Story.’ 

We are on, what day are we on? ‘Day 7′. Ah, God. I’m not good enough at the game! ‘Human trafficking ring shut. 0 credits, 4 family members, 0 tokens, apartment C8.’ Okay. So we’re still at level 8 lodgings, which is good. That’s like the best in the game from what I understand, and we still have all family members. So that’s good. ‘Human trafficking ring shut down. Grestin Checkpoint officer nabs mastermind. Another attack at Grestin Checkpoint.’ Okay. So we got this guy so, I don’t think I’m supposed to detain everyone who gives me a discrepancy; just to people who are wanted. And I think that that was a mistake I made last time, is that anybody who’s giving me a discrepancy, I just detained them instantly which gave me no money. Which was a bad thing to do. I think detaining doesn’t give you any money but um, rejecting them or sending them through, just processing them, does. I- I might be wrong about that. Again, let me play the game the way I wanna play it. If it’s hard to watch, I apologise. There are other people that are far better at the game that you can watch played o-other than me, but I like this game too much to just stop the series over nonsense like that.  

So, I have as much time as I want here at the start until I say next, and then the day starts. So I’m gonna have to start looking at this. ‘To facilitate more thorough inspections, a search scanner system has been installed in your booth.’ Ah, crap! I know it’s been such a long time since I played it. I- I haven’t been able to, like, play it continuously non-stop to be able to build up a knowledge of what I’m doing super fast. Okay. ‘Kolechian extremists are suspected in yesterday’s bombing. Search all Kolechians before approving their entry. Glory to Arstotzka.’ Yes, and I know that’s the scout thing from Attack On Titan that I keep doing. Um, right, okay, so. ‘Correlate pertinent’ info ‘in’ the ‘Rule book with’ vio- ‘with violating information to enable further options.’ Is there anybody- oh God. ‘Correlate discovered weapons and contraband with rulebook entry.’ Okay. ‘Human trafficking ring shut down. Another attack in’- kay, so nobody else is on the loose. And anybody who’s Kolechian I have to search, right? So I’m- a good thing to have is my rulebook out. That’s something that people were telling me, to have my rulebook out at all times. And this is where I find the stuff, the issuing cities. So I have- the issuing city’s ‘Great Rapid’, and if it matches their passport then it’s good. I think. It’s- It’s hard to know sometimes. Can I go back? Okay. ‘Regional map, Kolechia’. So anything that looks like this. I have to search these [audio glitch] now. Okay, I should probably keep that out. Um, uh, I’ll probably keep you somewhere- I’ll keep you on the table, alright, I’ll keep you here. That’s where my rul- uh my things go so I can just pop you out. I don’t think there’s anything new. What was the stuff from last time? People needed a- a- a visa uh, thingy, oh wait, I- I can check my rules. I’m gonna take my time at this. I’m gonna do it right. ‘Basic Rules. Entrant must have a passport.’ Obviously. ‘All documents must be current.’ Yes, and I know a lot of people are able to correlate the date straight away. Like they can go- they can like check the date straight away off the top of their head but, I’m not good at that stuff! Whenever stuff is put on top of me, like, pressure-wise like that, my brain just shuts down and I can’t- I can’t process it. So that’s why I’ve been, like, checking the date with everything super quickly. ‘No correlation.’ Hey, the dates match! [Chuckles] Um, ‘citizens must have an ID card.’ Okay, so all Arstotzkans must have an ID card. ‘Foreigners require an entry permit.’ So anyone who’s not an Arstotzkan needs an entry permit. ‘Workers must have a work pass.’ So if they’re here for work I need to know that. ‘No weapons or contraband. All Kolechians must be searched.’ Okay, I’m gonna keep you open and you there. That’s a good idea, right? Okay, wish me luck. This is where it all starts off again, so, oh God. Lucky I have fucking two misdemeanours before I get a penalty.

‘Papers, please.’ You are, oh God I already forgot. You are a thingy. ‘Regional Map, Kolechia.’ Yeah, you’re a Kolechian. I need to search you. Um, h-how do I mark this though? Uh, Vedor. Vedor, yes. ‘Matching data’ but how do I check the pa- okay. Go into my rules, ‘basic rules. All Kolechian must be searched.’ Yes, here we go. ‘You have been selected for a random search.’ Search that person! ‘Turn towards the scanner.’ Oh, this is where the nudity is [unintelligible]. I don’t know how nude these things are. Okay, pretty nude, sorry about that. How do I- how the fuck does that help? Okay, so you have no weapons on you. I’m right in saying that? I think that’s good, and Vedor is part of the thing. Um, your passport’s good, right? Yes. Your face matches. Why am I checking all that? Um, you- do you have for work? You’re here for a visit. Okay, does that match this? I think you’re good. I think you’re fine. ‘14 days. 1982′, 11th of the 12th. Wait, is that still good? ‘Matching data.’ Okay, I think you’re good. I th- I- I- I don’t know! I don’t know how to do the searches properly yet! Front and back, you don’t seem to have any weapons or anything on you. I think you’re okay. Um, I think I can let you through, hopefully. Come on, man. ‘Cause no trouble.’ Please! Was that good? Okay, awesome; that wa- that was good. 

‘Papers, please.’ You are ‘Les(rendi)’- ‘Lesrenadi’ and you have this passport. I don’t know what that is. Um, that’s not you. Crap! ‘Regional Map.’ Which one is it, which one is it? ‘Republia’? Ye-Yeah it was that one, right? Yes. So, ‘Lesr(an)’- ‘Lesrenadi.’ Yes! Those are the same. You are female, right? Yes. Expiry, ‘1984′, that’s all good, that’s all good, that’s all good. Okay, I think you might be okay. Here we go. Much faster, much faster now people. You’re immigrating forever and your stuff is at the right time. Okay, you can be in. Here you go! Nice. See that’s the kind of speed I need. I even need to be faster but I’m just- I’m just worried about doing something wrong. Fuck! ‘Non-matching photo.’ Goddammit! Did I really not fucking check that?

Okay, I’m gonna check your fucking photo now. You have the same face, you ‘will be staying 2 weeks.’ Yes, ‘14 days’, that’s perfect. This is all good. You’re here for a visit. Is this good? Yes, and female. Cool, where are you from? That is this, I don’t know what the fuck that one is though. Um, I can just go like this though. Uh, ‘Lorn(adz). Mergerous.’ Yes, that’s right, right? No wrong one! ‘Matching data.’ I think you’re okay, I think you’re okay. See, there’s too many rules now and I’m getting panicky! God fucking dammit is that bad? Who knows? Okay, that was a good one, fine.

‘Papers, please.’ You’re an Arstotzkan! Yes, your name. Does your name match? Does your weight match? Yes, everything is good. How do I highlight your height? ‘Matching data.’ This says you’re male though! DIscrepancy! ‘It says here that you are male. As the document says.’ Oh! Now I can actually search! Wait, am I searching for genitalia? Okay, you are a man. Okay, matching? ‘Discrepancy cleared.’ Okay, you are allowed in then. Oh God this gets real! Oh cra- here you go. ‘Glory to Arstotzka.’ Greatest country in the world. This is getting real, man. Kay, don’t cause any trouble, don’t explode any people please!

You are from [unintelligible stuttering] oh I’m on- you’re from Obristan. You’re Skal. Yes, same. ‘I remain for one month.’ Okay, cool. Your face matches, right? This is still in the clear, cool. See you can still just match stuff super quick! ‘Enter by, 1982′ ye- yes, ‘matching data. Visit.’ You’ll stay for ‘1 month.’ Did I check this? I think I did. ‘Domin(in)go, Martin.’ See, it’s quicker to just do this, than to just uh- to figure out- wait, are you here for work? No, visit. It’s quicker to correlate it myself instead of looking for missing letters because one letter could be missing and then I make- oh crap that was wrong. And some of these are going super fast and I dunno if I’m doing something wrong or not.

You look familiar. You’re an Arstotzkan. Okay, cool. ‘Pogreba, Mitchell.’ Cool, cool, cool. That’s all matching. Your weight matches. This has no bearing on that whatsoever. I think you’re cool! East Grestin. Can I just allow in all Arstotzkans? East Grestin, yes, because Grestin is in Arstotzka because I’m on a checkpoint in Grestin. Ah! ‘Invalid height.’ See, I was trying to check that outta one of the people but I don’t know how to check the height!

 ‘I am visiting relatives. Duration of stay? I stay 30 days.’ Okay let’s see if that’s ‘1 month’, yeah, okay. ‘Safadi, Shaddy.’ That’s a cool name! Safadi Shaddy! Matching, matching. Your face matches. That matches. Okay, what passport do you have? You have this one, which is where? This, so, I think Yurko City is on that. Yes. I think you’re okay, I think I can let you in. Can I- ‘purpose for visit.’ I didn’t check these. Okay, ‘matching data.’ I think I can let you in. Oh God, any more mistakes now and I’m fucked! Cuz I noticed that the height was a thing. People said that in the comments already. ‘All Kolechians must be searched.’ Fuck, I forgot that that was Kolechia! Dammit! I got deducted 5 credits, fuck me, man!

Okay, let’s see. I’ll be here ‘3 months’, got it. ‘Skal’ is the right place. Ugh. See there’s too many rules for me now, and I’m getting panicky and I’m messing them all up. Sorry. Uh, ‘discrepancy detected. ‘You cannot enter using an expired document. What? That is a mistake. I just renewed it.’ No, no! You can’t- you can’t do that, no! That’s bad. It says that it’s bad so it’s bad. Go away! Bye! Get outta my fucking booth. Dammit! I made a discrepancy cuz I don’t know how to check the height. People said it in the comments so that’s why I checked, kind of, at one point.

Kay, day’s almost over. Um, you’re here for work. ‘Duration of stay? I remain for one year.’ Okay, cool. Female? Yes. Match the photo. Match this. Everything matching. Everything good? You’re the last person of the day anyway, so I can probably take my time on you. Um, everything seems good. Oh wait, let’s check your thingy. Uh, blap, blap, blap, which one is it? Where you from? ‘Enkyo.’ Yeah, that’s right. I’m just checking it anyway to make sure that I’m not like messing up any letters, I think I can let you in. You have a work visa. There you go, bye. Glory to Arstotzka. Crap. How many people did I process?

Oh- wha- what’re these things? Oh, maybe they’re upgrades. Uh, I processed 6 people. So- I have zero dollars? Ah fuck! See, and that’s the problem. I’m learn- I only learned how to play the game now, which means that all the money I could’ve got in the first few days, cuz you can get a lot of money on the first day, and that’s- that’s sort of the point cuz it’s easier to process people on the first day; you just let in all Arstotzkans and anybody else you kick out. So you can get a lot of money on the first day and I kinda fucked that up and now everyone’s cold and I can’t afford food or heat. I couldn’t anyway, cuz my some- my- my- I got lost 5 credits. You guys might have to go into level 7 lodgings. I’m sorry, that’s just the way it’s gonna be. Dammit. I guess that’s part of the story and part of the gameplay anyway. You’re not supposed to be perfect at the start of it. ‘Kolechian leader files complaint. Claims unprovoked border searches violate rights. The Weather. Politics.’ So nobody’s in trouble? [Sighs] It’s a hard game, cuz there- there’s so many rules and I keep forgetting like one little tiny one that’s getting me fucked over.

‘The Kolechians have filed a formal complaint. A diplomat will arrive today for high-level discussions. Automatic searches of Kolechian citizens are no longer authorised.’ O-kay. ‘Diplomats require only a passport and’ a ‘valid diplomatic authorisation to enter.’ Okay, so I have to pay attention to what they’re saying. ‘Refer to the rulebook for updated document information. Glory to Arstotzka.’ So any dip- I don’t have to search Kolechians anymore. Thank God, cuz that was the one that messed me up. I completely forgot that I had to search them! So, I don’t have to search Kolechians anymore and any diplomat that comes through, they only require a passport and a vali- valid diplomatic authorisation. Okay, so no huge new rules, so I might be able to- I might be okay for this one. My child is gonna die though, and everyone’s cold at home, everyone’s gonna get sick. 

‘Papers, please.’ You are from- crap! Get your rulebook out! Uh, where- which one is this? You are Kolechia. So, ‘Yurko City’. Yes, that is right. Even though I say they’re right and then I go checking anyway, but, it’s just to be sure. Make sure that the passport numbers; your name. Make sure it’s valid until- wait, what is this? Oh, you’re a diplomat! Oh, okay, so do I have to check this? ‘No correlation’, okay. Um, ‘unconditional access to named Council’- am I allowed to let you in? I think everything is good. I don’t know if these have any correlation together. No, um, okay. Let him in, let him in, let him in; he’s a diplomat. Thanks, glory to Arstotzka. Sorry about the people that I was searching. Yes, no citation! 

Hello big-head! You are an Arstotzkan! Glory to motherland! Expiration. Blah blah blah. ‘No correlation’? Oh yeah, what am I doing? [Laughs] Um, everything seems to match. Are you good? No, you’re not; discrepancy. What’s your fucking name bruh? ‘My name’ has ‘changed recently.’ Gimme them fingerprints. Let’s see if you have an alias. ‘Arlon Clark. Clement Bromand.’ Okay, ‘discrepancy cleared.’ I think you’re allowed in. Glory to Arstotzka, greatest country, see you later. Bye. I’m glad they get rid of the other stuff straight away. Okay, no citation. I’m always worried about that!

You again! Dude, you don’t have valid documents! You- [laughs]. ‘I have everything you asked for now.’ No you don’t! You need- where’s my rules? ‘Citizens must have an ID card.’ Okay he has that. Wh- What’s the thing he’s missing? ‘Foreigners require an entry permit.’ That was it. ‘Tickets are no longer accepted. {Hey, no! Guy sold me ticket, say is good! You check again maybe.’ No! Sorry bro. Sorry, ‘Costav(o), Jorji.’ Oh crap, wrong button. I need to- I need a quick button to take out my uh, my stamper. No, that’s mine! What- oh his entry ticket, fuck! Everything’s stacking on top of one another. ‘ Bye. {You nice guy but I have business in Arstotzka. I get right papers and come’ back ‘and see you.’ Imagine if he was like a big bad guy at the end and I kept annoying him and the one time I let him through he blew up the world. 

‘Papers, please.’ You are an Arstotzkan. The greatest country, glory. Uh, does your name match? Everything else match? Your face match? Female. East Grestin, okay, that’s a place. Uh, your height. How do I check the fucking height? ‘Matching data’, o-kay, there we go. Okay, now I got it. Goddammit height, messing me up, son of a bitch. I guess that’s how you learn! Fuck! ‘Invalid district’ crap, are you- okay I need to check that stuff.

Who are you? ‘The Order awaits.’ What order? Okay.

You don’t have a fucking passport man! I was on the rules. You must have a passport! ‘Sorry, I have it here.’ Then stick it out then motherfucker! Kay, ‘Regional Map.’ Where are you from? Antegria, no, no, no that- no. This one! Okay. Are you- you’re a ‘True Glorian’! Sweet! Good job, good job bro. Uh, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Uh, let me see; does your name match? Passport things match? Um, that is ‘no correlation’. You have to be matched with this. Does it say- saying 3 months? Probably. Here we go! Stamp. Glory to Arstotzka. Welcome to our motherland. Thank you for being here. Did I get a citation? No, citation! Okay. [Laughs].

‘Papers, please.’ Um, you are from that other place that was- just there, yes. ‘Skal’ is part of it. Proper city, okay. I uh- ‘only 2 weeks.’ Okay, ‘14 days’, that’s good. ‘Matching data. Matching data. Matching data.’ Oh, I love matching data! Oh you’re singing the glorious- that’s a different name. [Laughs] ‘These names do not match. I have multiple names.’ Gimme them fingerprints! Show me them receipts! No, give it to her! There you go. O-kay, ‘discrepancy cleared.’ Just to make sure, cuz those are big long names and I do not wanna check them. Um, oh wait, um. Is- there’s no, like, height or anything? No, okay. I don’t think I can check height on those people, unless they’re Arstotzkans. There you go. Wait, did I click approved on that? Think I’m doing good now, this one.

Kay, ‘papers, please.’ Thank you. You are from this one; it was just here. What, ‘no correlation’? Oh no, you’re from a different one! Crap. You’re from this one. Ah, messing it all up! ‘Haihan’, sweet! Uh, yep, yep! Everything’s matching here bro, looking good! I keep- oh, these are wrong. Your numbers are different here. ‘I do not know what to say.’ I know what to say. No! I didn’t mean to detain. [Inhales through teeth] I meant to just click deny. Kay you’ve seen that passport bro? Okay, I don’t need you. I only got one diplomat in. 

You’re an Arstotzkan, hello. Greatest country! Uh, date of birth. Match these- oh, i wasn’t matching them before, thank God nobody was wrong. Uh, height ‘170. Matching data. Matching data.’ Your face matches that. This is a good one. I think that you allowed to be in because Glory to- oh wait, I’m gonna make sure cuz I fucked this up last time. Glory to Arstotzka? Greatest country? ‘No correlation’, okay, ‘matching data.’ O-kay. But it said wrong district or something last time. Don’t be citation, don’t be citation! Yes! I got away without a citation, sweet!

‘Papers, please.’ Um, scuse me, lady, you kinda need a basic rules. You need a citizen’s ID card. Don’t say here it is. ‘I never got one.’ Ball to the shiitake mushrooms! Not accepting that, get outta my fucking line. Ah man, the day’s over! That one went much better! 

Except everyone’s cold and sick and fucking hungry. ‘Your son is sick and needs medicine. Booth upgrade’ ‘TAB key to toggle stamp bar.’ Ah but I- what? Oh, balls. Okay so I need- I need medicine straight away. And I can’t afford food right now, sorry people. Oo, crap. I’m not gonna upgrade my booth. I could, and it’ll speed things up but I need that $5 next time; just in case I get a- a thing or whatever. You’re all gonna be fucking hungry though next time, and you’re already hungry. Dammit! Cuz you’re allowed to alternate cold and hungry, so if they’re cold you’re gonna pay for that and then when they get hungry you pay for that and back and forth; but because they’re both at the same time now it’s- I’m kinda screwed, and I was advised to pay for sickness straight away every single time. According to people in the comments anyway. Okay, I’m gonna sleep. What’s the next paper say? ‘Top-level Kolechian exposed as Arstotzkan spy. Missing from post, presumed dead.’ What? Whoa! Is that the guy I let in? I dunno, I can’t remember.                    

Anyway, I’m gonna leave this episode of Papers, Please here; and that went- that went uh kinda bad at the start, that fucking- citations that I got. All cuz I forgot I had to search people. When you give me too many rules I forget things. I really like this game though, and, if I keep playing it and I fail, and like, people die, and I like, go back to the start, whatever. I will restart it and like, skip some parts and get, like, a lot of money, and then get up to this point again and then try and play it again properly. Cuz I do want to get to the end of it eventually and see what the end of it has to offer. I think there’s 18 days total and we’re on to day 9 now. I’m not sure. I can’t remember, but we’ll walk to work the next and we’ll see what goes on. I really liked this game and really good other people like it; and again, I’m sorry that I’m bad at it. I- I shouldn’t even have to apologise for that kinda stuff and a lot of people tell me not to, but, I- I know what it’s like to watch somebody who’s really bad at a game that you’re really good at, and it can be very cringy to watch; but just let me play the game the way I wanna play it. I- I’m gonna keep playing it, so if you can’t handle that shit, then you might as well leave because I’m g- I’m just gonna keep playing it the way I’ve been playing it now, and I’ve really enjoyed it; and I’m not gonna let- I’m not gonna let a few people who think I’m bad at the game and dislike the videos ruin my fun of it and ruin the series and ruin the fun for every- for other people. So, I apologise to the people who wanted more episodes, and there was a bigger gap between them; that’s what I’ll apologise for! Fuck the other people who say I’m not good at the game because that’s not what I’m here to do. I’m here to have fun with games, not to be the best at them. So if you’re here to see somebody be the best at a game, you’re on the wrong channel. [Laughs].

Anyway, thank you guys so much for watching this video! If you liked it punch that like button in the face, like a boss! And, high fives all round! [Imitates high-five noises] But thank you guys, and I’ll see all you dudes in the next video!

[Post-Outro Snippet]    

[Sings along to music] The music in this game is awesome; and there’s also times where I’m worried- er, [tus[ not worried. There’s also times where I’m, like, singing the songs at the end and the bonus clip, this bonus clip right here, and then I forget to like put the audio back up cuz I have to cut it out for the outro and then I forget to put it back up. So I’m, like here dancing away to no music. So, hopefully I remember it now, otherwise, if I didn’t, pretend that I did that on purpose, and that it’s funny. [Laughs].                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

[jsetranscripts]

YOU MUST BE DETAINED | Papers, Please #2

Key:

[words] = Descriptive

{words} = Voicing in-game character

+words+ = Voicing non-game character

words (in bold) = Said in ‘Arstotzkan’ accent

‘words’ = In game text

(words/letters) = Mispronunciation by JSE

Note: Transcript will be using British English. 

Transcript:

Top of the morning to ye laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye and welcome back to Papers, Please! I wanted to play more of them because I feel like there’s more to show off in this version of it, or, this episode of it. Because the first one was just all introductions and everything. I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing perfectly, but I’ll get there in the end and if I make some mistakes, who cares? That’s what the game is about. You’re supposed to make mistakes here and there to figure out what you’re doing.   

‘Checkpoint expansion postponed. Government blames lax immigration control(s).’ Hey! We’re doing okay! They’re going to start bringing in new documents as well. I think. I don’t know, maybe they will. And then this is gonna make my life so much harder. 

Ah, crap. ‘Stricter new credentials requirements have been instituted. Arstotzkan citizens must show their ID card. Foreigners must secure and present a valid entry permit. Entry tickets are no longer sufficient.’ Okay, so you need an entry permit, and the Arstotzkans need an ID card. Good God, man. This is getting confusing. ‘Check all information thoroughly. A new chapter detailing documents features - ah, blah blah blah. ‘Deny any applicant with discrepant documents-’ so any sort of discrepancy at all. Fuck ‘em. ‘Refer to the audio transcript’- yes. Uh, nothing new there, and nothing new there, okay. So imma keep you open, maybe. Just in case! Um, alright! Open me shutters, next please! Bring them on in for the day! I have to get through these guys fast.

‘Papers, please.’ Okay, um. You have an entry permit. Sweet. So, I have to be fast about this. Um, ‘Yuri Stanislav’, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Everything’s matching perfectly. Expiration. Enter by. Matching, matching, ‘no correlation’. Uh, I think it’s okay. I think it’s okay. No correla- what? I thought they w- they’re the same thing! How could they have no correlation if they’re the exact same numbers? They must correlate at some way. There you go. I think you’re okay. Hopefully, I don’t fuckin know. Cuz, y- y- you’re trying to get through them really fast. And I’m waiting for, like, something to pop up here saying you made a mistake. You’re allowed two mistakes and then you get a warning.

Um, okay, entry permit. Let me see your name. Technically, I should- aw, crap. ‘No correlation.’ Wait! I still don’t know why that has no correlation. That makes no sense. Um. Uh, I- I don’t. Oh g- g- g- g- God. Uh. Expiration. ‘Discrepancy detected’! That’s wrong! ‘This document has expired. I was busy.’ Go f yourself in the a. Y-You’re not getting into my country! No way, no how, no sir! Arstotzka is a proud country! Not allowed in if you have discrepant documents! Do I get money if I reject people? Or only if I let them in? Is it just processing?   

Okay, you don’t, uh, you don’t have the thing. You don’t have the thing, where’s me rule book? You don’t have the thing that we need. ‘Basic rules.’ Uh, you need an entry permit. Give me your entry permit! ‘Entry permit? I have ticket here. Let me through.’ Um, no. Do- I need more than that. ‘You have no entry permit. Entry permit? I have ticket’- no, no, no. You need an entry permit, or you’re not allowed into the country! Tickets are not sufficient anymore. Get lost Velma. ‘Get a permit’! ‘Bullshit! I pay good money for ticket.’ Yeah, well, you should’ve learned what the new rules were! Pay properly! Trying to get into my country, man.

+Hello little person.+ Kay, do you have stuff? Uh, face is the same. ‘Transit through the country. Duration of stay? I remain for couple’ of ‘days.’ Okay, yeah. Th- That matches up. ‘Enter by. Matching data.’ Uh, ‘matching data.’ Is your name matching? What? How is that ‘no correlation’? Is that not your fuckin name? Th- no correlation. Really? Oh, wait. ‘Discrepancy detected.’ Your name is wrong. ‘I have two different names. Fingerprint.’ G- g, take your fingerprints! Okay, now what? It’s different names! ‘My name was changed recently. Applicant’s fingerprints and claimed name/alias must match this record. No known alias.’ I don’t know what that means! Uh-oh! What do I do? ‘Matching data.’ Okay. Maybe their name was changed recently. Okay. Got it, got it, got it. You can come in then. That’s throwing me for a loop now. I don’t fucking know, take this and go. Do not give me bad news! Okay, I think I- Aw, fuck it! ‘Alias does not match record. Entry-’ [tuts] dammit! Okay, so they have to have an ali- God, fuck! I don’t know man, it’s hard to figure out what the hell is going on sometimes!

Names. This. Uh, ‘discrepancy detected. You cannot enter using an expired document. Please let me pass, my son is waiting.’ Aw man, now I feel fucking terrible. I’m sorry if your son is waiting. I- aw God, aw God. [Inhales through teeth] Oh, I feel bad! Oh God, is the end of the day here yet? Ugh. I’m sorry that your son was waiting.

‘Papers, please’! Hello. ‘What is purpose of your trip? I plan to work. Duration of stay? It will be 60 days.’ That matches. Those do not though, oh they do. ‘Matching data.’ That has no correlation. ‘Matching data.’ Your face, your name. Everything good? Feel like everything’s good. Okay. Oh! You’re an Arstotzkan though. You n- you need, you need a thing, don’t you? ‘Citizens must have an ID card.’ Where’s your ID card? Okay, maybe you- maybe you have it. Is this your ID card? I- I don’t know. I’m confused! I thought they needed something extra now. Your entry permit - oh wait. Oh wait, you’re not an Arstotzkan. Never mind. [Chuckles] Oops! I’m alwa- ah fuck it! I knew I did a b- wrong thing! ‘Invalid issuing city. Last warning, no penalty.’ I don’t know what the thing is! I don’t know how to check the issuing city.

‘I remain for couple of weeks.’ Okay, I’m doing bad at this now. My son is gonna die at home. I’ve a feeling. ‘Henry Khop’. That’s not your name! ‘These names do not match. I have multiple names.’ Give me your fuckin fingerprints. Gimme your fingerprints. ‘No known alias.’ Get fucked. It said ‘no known alias’. If there’s ‘no known alias’, that means you don’t have two names. Go fuck yourself. Get out of my country. Get out. Get out of Arstotzka. Think I’m doing okay. I don’t know. [Nervously chuckles].      

You again! Remember this fucker from last time? Look! No, no du- it’s not right! This is not good, you must have a valid one! This is not good! ‘This passport is crude’ and ‘fake. {Hey now! Is not true! Is pre-approved!}’ No it’s not! Get outta my country! ‘Stamp here’, oh God I almost accepted him. The stamp doesn’t even fit the box. ‘Cobristan is not a real country. {Ok, ok. You no like passport, I understand. I come back again with better one.}’ Just don’t come back at all. You don’t have the right documents, you’re not allowed in. So as long as I get through it without making another mistake I’m fine.

Okay, you have your ID card with you. Good, cuz you’re an Arstotzkan. Um, these are different names! ‘These names do not match. My name was changed recently.’ Fingerprints. Gimme your fingerprints! What’re you saying to me? Um, no. That’s still a discrepancy. They don’t match! ‘I have multiple names.’ You have ‘no known alias’ either. Which I think means that you’re not allowed in. Um, wait, wait. Does that- that’s the same right? Everything else is the same though. I think. Could I have another discrepancy? Really make me feel good about it? Okay, I don’t thi- I don’t think I can let you in! [Unintelligible stuttering] As long as I can find a discrepancy, you’re not allowed into this country. Get out! Go home. Did we do good? Our day is over! I think we did okay!

[Sings along with music]. ‘Your son is sick and needs medicine.’ Everybody else is hungry, so. Nobody’s cold, so I can get rid of the heat, but we need the medicine. I- I need to get as much as I can. I only processed four people! I think you’re supposed to process like 11 a day? I think I read that somewhere, but I don’t know. It’s hard to keep up man. I need some tips! ‘Republi(c)an track star wanted for murder. Vince Lestrade’s whereabouts unknown - has likely fled Republia. Vince Lestrade: Profile. Girlfriend killed in jealous rage?’ Dude! That’s not cool.

Oh God, don’t a- don’t give me more rules now! I don’t- I’m already having a hard time keeping up with the rules that I just had. ‘You’ re ‘now authorised to detain suspicious individuals.’ [Gasps] ‘Interrogate discrepancies to enable detention option.’ Oh I have all the power now! Okay so that’s not- that’s not much. That’s not much new, okay. W-We got this, we got this, we got this. Next please! Bring on the next pig! [Makes pig noises].  

‘Papers, please.’ You are not an Arstotzkan. Where do I see the issuing city? Issuing: ‘Glorian’. But where- what do I put it against? I put this against... what? ‘No correlation.’ You see no- nothing has any correlation. Oo, oo, oo! You said you had no correlation before, now there’s a discrepancy detected. ‘There is a discrepancy here. Oh? Hey wait.’ Detain! ‘Just deny my passport and I will go away. Wait here.’ Oh God! I actually detain them? Wait, did it say detain everybody? ‘You are now authorised to detain suspicious individuals.’ Oh but he was only- I- I- oh I dunno if I should detain him. 

Kay, you seem like you’re good. You seem like everything’s working out beautifully for you. We’re gonna see if your dates match up. Let’s see if your weight matches up. Everything’s good, everything’s good. You are allowed into the country my friend! Thank you for coming. Arstotzka, greatest country. Make us proud. Go do work. ‘Glory to Arstotzka.’ That felt good. As long as you don’t tell me there’s a discrepancy here. As long as you don’t throw a bomb at them or something.

Kay, ‘Republia’. Let me see. That has ‘no correlation. Matching data. Matching data. Matching data.’ Okay. Everything’s looking good for you Lestra-. You’re on the k- oh! You’re the guy! You’re the guy who’s in trouble! I don’t- I dunno what I should be doing. Um, can I interrogate you? ‘Bostan’, versus, I dunno what to- I dunno what to put it against! Uh, this! I dunno! Oo, oo! He’s on the run but everything- he has everything good! Should I deny him? I dunno! Lemme see! ‘Republi(c)an track star wanted for murder.’ Kay, can I- can I actually- oh here we go! Yes! ‘You are Vince Lestrade’. ‘Damn. Look, I did not kill her. I was set up. Do not believe the Republian lies. Let me through.’ Detained! ‘What is happening? Shit.’ We got him! Okay, good, good, good. Sweet! I figured it out.

‘Papers, please.’ Hello moustache man! ‘What is the purpose of your trip? I will visit friends. Duration of stay? I’ will ‘ stay 60 days.’ Okay, that matches up. Um, this and this? Ah hah! ‘You cannot enter using an expired document. I was busy.’ I don’t fucking care. Outta my country. There you go. Hup, hup! Bye! I’m not letting anybody through though, I let one guy through. I need to ge- let more people through to get my money. So I need to learn how to do this faster.   

Okay, this and this. This, this. This, names. Are they all goo- are names good? Okay, I thi- I think you’re good. I think you’re good, I think you’re good. Okay, I’ll let you through. You seem like a good guy, so I’ll let you through. I don’t know if the issuing city is wrong, cuz I don’t fucking know. ‘Ugh.’ Why you ugh-ing for? Don’t ‘ugh’ at me! Kay, I think he’s okay, I’m not getting a thing down here. 

‘Papers, please.’ Hello there, how are you? ‘I am immigrating to Arstotzka.’ Oh, you’re going ‘forever’. Your ‘duration of stay’ is ‘forever’. You don’t look the same. ‘Your appearance has changes. The years have been cruel.’ What? ‘Gabriel’ ‘T(a)les.’ Kay, I think your name matches up. Everything’s good right? I think everything else matches. I think you’re actually okay. What’s this one say? Okay. Those are actually just your fingerprints. Um, kay I need to be faster, I need to be faster. See everything is- matches up. So maybe she’s okay. I’ll let her through. She seems to be okay. Um, wait what day is today? 27, date of birth-. Yeah, okay, she’s old. I think. I dunno, I dunno. I- I’m panicking, I’m panicking man. Smearing her thing all over that. Don’t tell me the thing, don’t tell me, I think I did good! Think I did okay! Yes! Okay.

Hello, how are you? ‘What is the purpose of your trip? I am visiting relatives.’ Kay, you’re only visiting. ‘Duration of stay?’ Two weeks? That’s good, everything is in order here, sir. Lemme just check your documents, and lemme just see for a second. ‘Matching data. Matching data. Matching data. Conor March.’ That’s a- that’s a very normal name. Everything seems to match. See, there’s the issuing city but what do I put it against? ‘Tsunkeido.’ See, I don’t know. That against, fucking, this? ‘No correlation.’ I don’t know, I don’t know. I think you’re good though. So, here we go. Boonk! Entry granted. ‘Cause no trouble.’ You cause trouble I come find you and I break your face. Fuck! ‘Invalid expiration date.’ Dammit! I didn’t check! Runnin outta time man. Runnin outta time. 

Th-the- they- they do not correlate. What am I doing? Um, ‘Vosto(v) Pyotr.’ I don’t fucking know. ‘Matching data.’ Oh that’s your name, never mind. Date of birth. Uh, ‘enter by.’ Okay, here we go. And expiration. Everything matches! Are we good? I think you’re good. I think you’re fine. Did I check this already? I think I did. Um, ‘no correlation.’ Okay, um, I don’t know! Enter. Enter the country, you’ll be fine. Whoosh! Whoosh! ‘Thank you so much! Please be kind to my wife she is just after me.’ Oh she’s gonna have to get rejected isn’t she? Oh no! Oh no!   

Ah, she doesn’t have the thing! ‘Did you see my husband? He made it through, yes?’ You don’t have your document though! Oh, I’m sorry! ‘Where is your entry permit? Please, I beg you. They would not gi’- permit me. ‘I have no choice. I will be killed if I return to Antegria.’ Oh no! Is everything else okay though? Oh, this is sad. This is so sad. I think everything else is okay too. I can’t let you in. I can’t let you in, there’s a discrepancy, you don’t have the thing! ‘You have doomed me.’ Oh no! Oh I feel so bad! Ah dude!       

Did I do 4 again? Sweet! So everyone’s cold so I can- I don’t need food, all I need is heat. ‘Upgrade booth.’ What’s upgrading my booth do? Imma do that though. ‘Booth upgrade available: Space key to toggle inspect mode.’ Okay, yeah! It’s gonna make it easier! Okay. ‘Jobs few, becoming fewer. Immigrants taking jobs from locals. Vince Lestrade apprehended in Grestin. Track champ looks quite guilty now.’ Yes, I did good!    

I- I’d love to see some like speedrunners of this game play. Pressed the space before the thingy pops up. ‘The Ministry of Labour has instituted a special program to control immigration labour. Travelers entering for work require a valid work pass.’ O-Okay so I have to look out for that. If they’re travelling for work I need to look for a work pass. Okay. So, insp- I can just press space for this now instead of having to go down here. That makes things much faster. But I’d love to see some people who are really good at the game. Just like whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! Wrong! Bang! Uh- that’s good, stamp! Ah, I’m not good enough for that. I- I probably never will be either because I don’t know- I haven’t even uploaded the first episode of this yet so I don’t know how people are enjoying the game. 

Okay, you’re a work pass. ‘I plan to work.’ O-kay, good God, there’s a lot of fucking stuff here on screen! Gonna match these first. Your name matches, your face matches. You’re male. Expiration. This matches, that matches. ‘Six months’ for ‘work.’ You and you. See there’s probably some stuff that you’re able to just, like, see off the bat. Um, ‘Benjamin,’ yes. Uh, ‘until.’ Kay, everything matches! You’re good, you’re good. Uh, boom! Thanks, thanks, thanks. ‘Cause no trouble.’ Go work your ass off. Make Arstotzka even greater country than before. Don’t tell me the thing. Don’t tell me the issuing city was wrong cuz I don’t fucking know how to do that still. I probably should. 

‘Purpose of your trip? I plan to work.’ Okay, got it. ‘Duration of stay? It will be half a year.’ Six months, that’s- that’s good. ‘No correla’- oh, click on this! ‘Matching data.’ Um, is this right? Kay, that’s good. Um, is your name the same? ‘Bearing passport number.’ Where is the thing to match against the-? I don’t fucking know! ‘Matching data.’ Does your name match this? Kay, cool; matches that. This matches this. Got it, got it; you’re allowed in. You have everything you need. Good jibity job! Approved! Pity the stamp wasn’t faster. Thank you for this! ‘For all your fantasies. Please help me.’ What? ‘A man names Dari Ludum promised me and my sister good work in Arstotzka. I do not trust him. I am afraid he will take my passport and force me to work at brothel. He is in line today.’

Is it you? ‘Please do something.’ You’re ‘immigrating to Arstotzka.’ Okay. What is his name? ‘Dari Ludum.’ Or Dani Ludum. It’s not him, okay. You’re immigrating, okay, so you’re going ‘forever. Enter by.’ Enter... oh wait, that was not the right thing! This and this. Okay, everything’s good. You’re not female! Are you ‘male or female? As the document says.’ I don’t believe you! I think you’re trying to pull the wool over my eyes old ‘Nikolai’! Oh, not today Nikolai! Not today. Arstotzka is smarter country than that, you cannot get in with your shitty haircut. Piss off! Okay, I wanna read this again. ‘Please do something.’ Okay, maybe I can inspect him.

‘Papers, please.’ You come for work. Um, okay it’s not him. You ‘stay a few weeks.’ Okay, I guess that would be a month. Ah lemme- I keep clicking that anyway even though I don’t-. Your name is not the same! ‘I have two different names.’ Gimme your fucking fingerprints bro. Gimme them prints! Okay, okay, that checks out. That checks out. ‘Discrepancy cleared.’ Sweet! Okay, I think you might be allowed in then. You’re working, ‘fine-arts.’ Uh, until this. Lemme check the expirations. And lemme check this. If you find one discrepancy does that mean it’s good then? If you like find one discrepancy, is there only one discrepancy per person? So if I find a discrepancy and then I clear it, can I just, like, bring on the next person? I dunno. I dunno if there’s more than one discrepancy.        

You again? Get outta here bro! ‘I am back again! This time everything’ s ‘set’. No, you don’t have the thing! He’s gonna show it though on the desk I imagine. Gimme- gimme your ticket. ‘Oh man you funny guy!’ Get outta my country bro! This is not valid! Y-You need an entry ticket, get out! ‘Wow, you run very strict border here. {That is good. Do job right. I look for entry thing and come back.} Yeah, you do that bro. Pe- stupid people in my booth.

Oh, you look like the guy. No, you’re not. Sorry. [Chuckles] You ‘will move here.’ Okay, so you’re moving ‘forever. Enter by.’ Everything looks good here! ‘Gerbos Canholdu.’ I thi- I think we’re good. I think we’re good. A-Are we good? I have no idea. Um, are these good? Okay, imma let you in. Do not- do not disappoint me there, Gerbos! Do not tell me that the issuing city was wrong cuz I don’t know Gerbos. I trusted you! Goddammit! I don’t fucking know. 

Oh you’re an Arstotzkan. Hello. Oh, you’re the dude! Oh, crap. ‘No correla’- no, that. And all his stuff is proper as well, so I have to let him through. [Inhales through teeth] Oo, balls to the wa- is there nothing I can grab you on? Um, okay. Wait I- I- I- I can click on this, right? ‘No correlation.’ C’mon! This and you. D- but you’re the dude! Can I not do that? Can I not click on like individual stuff? Oh shit balls. Oh shit balls. Ah there we go, there we go! ‘You are Dari Ludum? Of course it says on’ the ‘passport.’ Detain! Yes! I helped out the ladies. Get outta my booth! I’m sure that you have all your documents in order, but I can’t let you through if you’re gonna hurt people.

‘What is the purpose of your trip?’ I plan to ‘work.’ Oh, that’s the wrong thing. You don’t- you don’t even have your thingy! Come on dude! You must have a fucking passport! ‘What is passport?’ Oh! ‘To be used for denials only. Entry Visa.’ [Laughs] Oh God, that feels bad. Denied, denied, denied. Get outta my country. I’m not letting in a lot of people though. I need to be letting in a lot of people, I need a lot of money.

‘Papers, please.’ Hello. I have too much shit on my desk. I need to move you over. Okay, you’re only in transit, so you don’t need a work visa. ‘I remain for just 2 days.’ That checks out. But does the rest? Hold on there ‘Rebeka S(h)mitz! Is everything good? A-Are you good? I think you might be. Okay, issuing city is ‘Vedor.’ But like, what do I put that against? Please somebody help me. Oh. That has ‘no correlation.’ M.O.A.? What? That’s a country place. I ne- I need- I need you to check out with that. There’s ‘no correlation’ with anything. Imma let you in, imma let you in, because wh- I don’t have much time. Did I do it wrong? Did I do it wrong? I did okay! Yes! Okay, good. 

All these documents, move over there. You’re not working right? Okay, you’re just ‘visiting.’ So you don’t need a permit. ‘I’ will ‘stay here 3 months.’ That matches, good. Good. What- what happened? Oh! Oh the person I let through is a suicide bomber! Ah!

Everyone’s hungry and we need medicine. I’m runnin out of money! Son of a bitch! ‘Grestin Checkpoint officer nabs mastermind. Human trafficking ring shut down.’ The dude I caught! ‘Another attack at Grestin Checkpoint.’ Ah, man, come on! Okay, well I’m gonna leave this episode here! Now you see what the game is about. That, you’re letting people in and out but the story starts to develop. So some people are in trouble, they’re running from certain people in the line. The guy gets through and then you detain him, and you help those people, even though all his documents were correct. So it’s like, do I- do I stop him and help the people, or do I let him through and get the money for my family? So I had enough money to cover my family for today, but if I didn’t let him or- if I didn’t let him through and I didn’t have enough money to cover my family my son might die. So there’s a lot of, like, questionable morals that go on, and you really have to get right down into it and wonder what you- what you have to do. It’s really like there’s no black and white to it and that’s what I really like. Cuz a lot of games are like, make the good choice or the bad choice, whereas this it’s- there’s kinda like a grey area. I really like that. 

But for now; thank you guys so much for watching this video! If you liked it, punch that like button in the face, like a boss! And, high fives all round. [Imitates high-five noises] But thank you guys and I’ll see all you dudes in the next video!

[Post-Outro Snippet]

It’s become a thing now that I don’t even think about my outro. A-As soon as I- I start saying: thank you guys so much for watching this video, like, my brain just takes over and does it naturally. And sometimes when I end up thinking about it too much, I- I en- I mess up the outro. Even though it’s not that- it’s- it’s not that hard to mess it up. I dunno. Bye!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

[jsetranscripts]

GET IN LINE! | Papers, Please #1

Key:

[words] = Descriptive

{words} = Voicing in-game character

+words+ = Voicing non-game character

words (in bold)  = Said in ‘Arstotzkan’ accent

‘words’ = In game text

(words/letters) = Mispronunciation by JSE

Note: Transcript will be using British English.

Transcript:

[Singing along to in-game music]

Top of the morning to you laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye and welcome to Papers, Please! I’ve played this game before on the iPad version, and I’ve seen a lot about the game around and it’s got a lot of praise over the years; and, it was always something that I’ve had in the back of my head that I might play sometime; and- that- now I feel like: you know what? I just wanna play it. It’s a good game, I really like it. I haven’t finished it. I- I didn’t play that much of it on the iPad. Just a little bit to figure out what I was kinda doing so... you play- it’s kinda slower paced; and you play a guy who’s like stamping passports, or stamping IDs, going through a border of Arstotzka? Was that what’s the name of it? I think. And, it’s gets quite- it’s gets quite real, after a while; and- I haven’t played the PC version though. I haven’t even- I bought it today to get it.

‘Congratulations. The October Labour Lottery is complete. Your name was pulled’. Sweet! The music is going fucking ham in the background right now. ‘For immediate placement, report to the Ministry of Admission at Grestin Border Checkpoint.’ Ah! I- I’m gonna channel my inner Sugarplum for this one. ‘An apartment will be provided for you and your family in East Grestin. Expect a Class-8 dwelling.’ I dunno what that is. ‘Glory to Arstotzka!’ Best country in all of the land. All of the make-believe land anyway. ‘Grestin Border Checkpoint opens at last. After 6 long years, can the Ministry of Admission(s) keep us safe? Families to reunite.’

So, when you’re stamping people’s stuff, you have to like reject some others; and they’ll stipulate what you’ll have to actually do, like, let in all the people with Arstotzka passports and the- things like that. So- and then, when you let- when you send people away it gets kinda weird because you feel really bad for them. 

‘November 23rd, 1982. Ministry of Admission. Official bulletin. Inspector, Welcome to your new position at Grestin Border Checkpoint.’ I know, my Russian accent is terrible. ‘Stamp passport ENTRY VISA and return documents to entrant. Entry is restricted to Arstotzkan citizens only. Deny all foreigners. Glory to Arstotzka.’ Kay, so I have to deny all foreigners. Only Arsto(r)tzkan things are allowed. Oh wait don’t click that yet. ‘Pay attention to’ the ‘passport nationality.’ O-kay! ‘Arstotzkan Ministry of Admission. Inspector’s Booth. Shutter, Counter, Rule Book, Audio Transcript’ and yeah, and then- I have something that’s able to- I have to like, bring across my things, and then pick up- and like, accept it or denied; and I have to move these things around. Okay, so, um... yes, yes, yes. ‘Grestin Border Checkpoint opens at last. Families to reunite. Entertainment.’ Sweet! Um, I’m gonna put you here. Here we go!

Next! +Pop on in and lemme see your face.+ ‘Papers, please’! What have you got? Um, okay, you’re an Arstotzkan, you’re from East Grestin. I think I’m gonna trust you. You seem like a good lad. And we’ll put you under here, and I’m very, like- I’m very anal about the way I do these things. I have to get the like- argh! I didn’t get it perfect within the square. There you go. ‘Glory to Arstotzka.’ Yes. So that’s the premise of the game; you bring in their passports, your- their IDs. You see what they have, what they don’t have, and you accept or you deny them, and they go left or right; but, stuff up here gets crazy after a while. I dunno if you’re gonna be able to see it in this video, but you’ll see it eventually. And then you have to, like, manage stuff at home between the days. 

‘Papers, please. This checkpoint is smaller than I expected.’ What did you expect? You are not an Arstotzkan. What’s- what’s my thing to be able to, um, to like inspect. I can’t remember. ‘This checkpoint is smaller than I expected.’ That’s my audio transcript. Rule book! ‘Basic Rules. Entrants must have a passport. Arstotzkan (sim)- citizens only. Booth info.’ Th- That doesn’t help! Um, I can’t remember. I thought I had something that like- uh, I could like check what people had. Can I ask some, like, questions? O-kay. You do not have a place where you’re from here, so, imma have to deny you bro. I’m sorry. Y- You can’t come into Arstotzka, sorry. See you later. ‘Arstotzkans only.’ Not allowed. ‘Next!’ Next please! Or maybe I get it later, i can’t remember. The- I remember there was a thing where you could like, inspect. It becomes very inspector based. 

‘I have waited in this damn line since for 8 hours. I hope it was worth it.’ Are you an Arstotzkan? No, you’re not. You’re not allowed in! You waited in this line for no goddamn reason. You see how I try to line it up all the time? It doesn’t really matter where you put it. ‘Arstotzkans only.’ Get out of my line. Cuz then some people get mad and they go rioting; and they start throwing like Molotovs and shit at ya. Cuz- It- Shit gets real and you feel horrible about rejecting these people cuz they- they start to tell you like some really personal stories. 

Okay, okay, time is running out. You’re an Arstotzkan. Fuckin, welcome to the country- oh God. Welcome to the country bro. It’s g- It’s good to have ya. ‘Glory to Arstotzka.’ We’re almost running out of time. I think we have time for like two more people. Come on bro. [Unintelligible sh sound.]

Do you have an Arstotzkan’s passport? Were you not here already? ‘It was a mistake to open this checkpoint.’ He didn’t even want to get in. He just stood in line to tell me how bad I was. 

Kay, day’s over. Go home. Everybody go home, I have to go back to my wife and kids. ‘Manage your expenses using the checkboxes below.’ So I have $5 left. Yay! Because rent, food, and heat; but I can get rid of heat or I can get rid of food, so- it’s kind of like This War Of Mine in a way. That you have to manage what you’re doing. My son- everybody’s okay right now so I might take off heat? And save myself $15. And then I can bring in heat the next day. Or maybe I can get rid of food and heat for now. I’m gonna sleep for now, and if they’re bu- if they’re sad the next day then I’m gonna have to figure it out. ‘Entry restrictions to relax, admit foreigners. Analysts upbeat. Increased trade and cooperation predicted.’ So now I might be allowed to let in newer people. 

It’s ‘November 24th, 1982.’ I remember that day. It was the day I signed papers. ‘From today, foreigners with a valid passport are permitted to enter. Your booth’s inspection hardware is now installed.’ Ah, here it is. Yeah, and then you can like click on different things and you can like click on the person, click on their ID. If it’s like male- if they’re a male and their um ID says female you can kinda check that out and see if there’s problems with it and then deny them. Ah. ‘Check all passport information carefully for discrepancies. Deny any entrant with inconsistent information.’ So anyone who’s consistent I can let in. So, anyone with a valid passport. ‘Enter inspect mode by using the red button on your desk.’ Blah blah blah. ‘While inspecting, highlight’ the ‘two pieces’ o- ‘of discrepant information for further options. Rules and regulations. This post is bound by Ministry’ blah blah blah. Okie dok, yes. I remember how to do it now. Yes, I remember how to do it now. Sweet! Here we go. [Breathes out.] Wish me luck guys. The next day starts. I like- I like the sound of that. [Imitates sound.]

‘Papers, please.’ Are you an Arstotzkan? No. Date of birth, ‘1951.05.25. Female.’ Uh, ‘Korista City.’ Everything seems okay. Expires ‘1984′. Crap, I forgot what date it was. Uh it’s 82. Okay. You seem to be okay though. Blang, blang. ‘Matching data.’ Blang, blang. ‘No correlation.’ Okay. That with that? ‘No correlation.’ This with this? ‘No correlation.’ This with your face? ‘Matching data.’ Your name with you? ‘No correlation.’ Fuck. I can’t- I don’t think there’s anything else I can really highlight. ‘No correlation.’ Do you match this? That and that? No. See you have to try and figure out if there’s- if stuff is out of place. I think you’re okay. I think we can let you in. I’m not sure. I can’t remember some of the other discrepancies that you can highlight. But, there you go! ‘Cause no trouble.’ And you have to get through them really fast as well I think. Because then you um- or maybe you have to fill a quota. I can’t remember! But I think you have to let in a certain amount of them.

Are you an Arstotzkan? No. So, you’re female. ‘Outer Grouse.’ Okay, your name. I’m trying to figure out the discrepancies. This matches this. ‘Matching data.’ Your name, ‘no correlation. No correlation.’ This and this? I can’t remember what correlates with each other. ‘Discrepancy detected.’ Your- your pa- your thing is out of date. ‘You cannot enter using an expired document. What are you talking about?’ You’re not allowed in! Denied. Denied! It’s almost like that animal inspector game I played. Except I feel terrible about this one. I didn’t feel all that bad about the animals. I should’ve, but, yeah. And then you can like, you can suss out their weight and different things.

‘Papers, please.’ Thank you. What do you have here? It says you’re female here but you look like a dude. ‘Discrepancy detected. You-’are’ you ‘male or female? As the document says.’ So you’re female? See, I don’t know which to believe, James. If that even is your real name. Maybe this says imposter right here. Are you- are you still lined up? ‘Matching data.’ Okay, uh, name with you. The picture matches up. But this- this does not match up. These two. [Inhales through teeth.] I dunno James, I dunno. Um, I might have to deny you. I- I can’t take any risks. I can’t have you coming in here with- with misaligned documents. Any discrepancies and you’re gone. I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is. You’re gonna have to get out of my checkpoint now please. 

+Hello. How are you?+ You’re an Arstotzkan. I like you already. ‘I am meeting a bus soon.’ Well just hold on here a fuckin Jiminy cricket, we’ll have to see if your documents are in order. They’re matching. This matches? Yes. Your face matches, that’s all good. It’s all good. Is this a- is this? This and... this match, I dunno. I’m runnin out of time though. Ah, ‘Arstotzka’, blah blah blah. I don’t know. These have ‘no correlation.’ Okay, I’ll let you through. Oh crap! I-I clicked the wrong thing, I clicked out of the game. Crap! It’s paused now. Resume! Shit! I’m gonna let you in. I’ll let you in bro. Here you go. You’re allowed in. Next! ‘Have your documents ready.’ Get in! I only have a certain amount of time. 

Hello. How are you? Let me see this. Oh, that face does not look the same. ‘Discrepancy detected. Your picture, it is different. I do not know what to say, it is me.’ Nope! Get outta my country! There we go. I did it! I got them all done. ‘Next’? I thought the day was finished.

‘Papers, please.’ You’re an Arstotzkan. ‘Hello handsome. You look bored.’ I am. ‘If you want a good time, come and see us.’ Ooo, what d’you give me? No, go away! What did you give me? ‘The Pink Vice’! Sweet! Thank you! I’m gonna put this over here, behind your thingy. Um, right, we’re gonna have to see this. Matching. Matching. I- I don’t know what this is. I’m gonna have to match the date with this. ‘Matching data.’ Okay, you’re an Arstotzkan. I think you can get in. I think you’re okay. And I will come visit you guys. Thank you very much! ‘I will be around’ a ‘couple months. Don’t forget to visit.’ I won’t. Are we not finished? You were beepin at me, maybe it was lunch time. I dunno. ‘Drag documents here.’ Yeah, I got my documents.

Uh, okay. You are from ‘Republia’, let’s see. Does that face match this? Oh. Woah! What happened? No! Get back! He tried to jump the border. You can’t do that, you have to go through the checkpoint! Dude! No! He got shot. No! You see what happens? I’m just trying to run a border patrol here!  

‘The day was cut short by a terrorist attack. Applicants entering after 6PM are unpaid. Your son is sick and needs medicine. Progress is saved at the start of each day.’ Ah crap! So I need food, rent, and medicine. Everyone’s cold- ah crap! Okay. I’m gonna have to use all my money for this now; I’m lucky I saved some of the money. Goddamn it. ‘Terrorists strike at Grestin! Kolechian agitators suspected. Checkpoint lockdown. More guards - more security.’ Let’s walk to work now. 

There’s no guards here! Oh wait, there are. Ah, there’s more guards up here and there’s guards on this side now. A lot more guards people. ‘Entry for non-citizens is now regulated.’ Okay. ‘All foreigners require a valid entry ticket.’ So, you have to have a passport and an entry ticket now if you don’t- well, if you’re not an Arstotzkan. So all foreigner- ‘Entry for non-citizens is now regulated.’ Okay. So people who have foreign passports, they need an entry ticket. If they don’t have an entry ticket they can’t get in. Ah. ‘Verify information before stamping passport entry visa and returning all documents to entrant.’ Kay, so I have to inspect people now as well at the same time. ‘Missing documents can be correlated by highlighting counter and pertinent entry in rule book.’ Okay, got it, got it, got it. Nah, fuck off I don’t need that. Ah, you go in here. Next please! Move it along! Come on in! 

Hello! ‘Papers, please.’ Okay, you have that. You have your entry ticket. ‘Valid on’ lemme see. ‘Matching data.’ Okay. Okay, you’re good, you’re good. Let me, uh, correlate all of this. Your picture match your face. Yes. Does this match? This? I don’t know what I’m checking. I don’t know what I’m checking. They have no correlation to anything. You match up as female. I think we’re pretty good. I think I can let you in. Okay! You can come on in. And you’re an Arstotzkan. Oh no you’re not! It’s an Arstotzkan ticket. There you go. Cool, go on in. ‘Cause no trouble. Next’ please! I like this game, it’s a good game. It’s very um- it’s very like Sherlocky, in a way.  

Uh, you don’t have an entry ticket bro. Um- I need to- oh wait, I need to take out my rule book. Uh, ‘basic rules’. You need an entry ticket. Come on dude. Uh- [blows raspberry]. What am I checking? ‘No correlation’. You don’t have an entry ticket though! Um, ‘all documents must be current.’ Okay, how do I- I don’t know what I’m doing! Is this expired? ‘Matching data. Matching data, matching data.’ But you don’t have an entry ticket! And you’re- you’re not from Arstotzka. You’re from ‘Obristan’. How do I check the-? Okay, ‘require an entry ticket.’ Yes. Blam and-. Oh, blam and blam. Blam and blam. ‘Discrepancy detected.’ Yeah! ‘You cannot enter without a ticket. Here.’ Okay, fair enough. Well- but is it valid? ‘Matching data.’ Okay, you can come in. Whatever. You’re making life hard for me though bro. You’re making life hard for me. Just hand in your tickets when you get here, and there’d be no fucking problems okay? Here, take your shit and go. ‘Cause no trouble’, get out. It gets hectic, and then I don’t know if I’m actually doing it right. Cuz sometimes you let people through and then they kill the guards.

‘Papers, please. Hey there. I can make you happy any time.’ Ooo. All these people giving me nice things. Thank you. I shall visit your place! ‘Matching data. Matching data.’ Are you female? Do you match your picture? Everything is matching. Okay. You can come in. But only because I said so! Okay, go on. Get through. ‘Come to Pink Vice. Ask for Ava.’ I will do! Bye Ava! It was nice to meet you. 

Hello there, my name is Jack. Do you have entry ticket? Somebody’s gonna have a- a bad date entry ticket. ‘Matching data.’ Okay. ‘Matching data.’ Okay. Do you match? Yes. Everything seems to be matching, imma let you through. I dunno if I’m actually stamping the wrong documents now. Aw, that was almost a perfect one. Here you go. Come on in. I- cuz, I’m being a bit, like, flippant with it. I’m not doing it super- I’m not being super, like, scrutinising about their information.  

‘I heard about’ the ‘terrorist attack. You are lucky to have’ a ‘job still.’ You’re lucky that I’m gonna let you in. Or am I? ‘Matching data,’ okay. Okay. Um... you match that, you match this. I think you’re okay. I think you’re allowed to be let in. I’m- I’m not gonna be too worried about you guys. You seem like nice people. ‘Be safe.’ Do not cause me any trouble. Do not cause me any grief! Cuz I’m the one letting you into the country. If I get in trouble then we’re all dead.  

‘Papers, please.’ You do not have a ticket! Oh you do! Never mind. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You do have a ticket. This looks fake. ‘Discrepancy detected’, it’s fake! ‘You cannot enter today. It is my mistake.’ Yes it is. Denied! Doesn’t matter. As long a- once there’s one discrepancy detected, you can get the fuck outta my booth. A bit harsh, but I have to be. We have to protect the glory of Arstotzka! Arstotzka will rise proud! Mother Russia! Well, I mean it sounds like a Russian thing, I don’t know if it actually is. 

This looks okay. Wait. Wait a second. Wait a second. Are you who you say you are? Are you sure? O-kay. I’ll trust you for now. But I don’t know, wait are- do these correlate? No. I think I tried that before actually. I think the re- I don’t know what they are. Oh wait, I’m accepting you. There we go. Whoosh! Thank you. ‘Cause no trouble.’ This day is lasting longer than the others. I don’t like it, I’m very worried.    

Hello little potato man. Oh you’re the one who always causes trouble. You have like fake tickets don’t ya? ‘The greatest country!’ See, he’s like, I wanna get in, but he doesn’t even have any fuckin documents. ‘No correlation.’ Um, you must have a fucking passport dude. Hello? ‘Where is your passport? {Passport’?’ ‘ Arstotzka so great passport not required, right?}’ I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry, get out. Get out. ‘I come back again.’ And then I think he comes back with like a fake one. And then he doesn’t have an entry ticket, and it’s like where’s your entry ticket? And he doesn’t have one of them either. He- he’s a- he’s a little potato face. I’m gonna call him potato man. 

‘Papers, please.’ Hello, ‘Kal(t)roth.’ Okay, we’re running out of time. Everything’s matching, everything’s matching. I think you’re okay. Wait. That looked fake. Okay, you’re- You’re good. You’re good, you can come into Arstotzka. [Singing] Arstotzka is greatest country in the world! All other countries are run by little girls! Aw shit! ‘Invalid issuing city!’ Oh I didn’t know how to- I didn’t know how to get them.

Okay. You are- well you have an Arstotzkan passport so I think I’m allowed to let you in. But how do I check that? I don’t know. I don’t know. Wait is it a valid date? Crap man! That means I’m gonna get something taken out of my paycheck! Aw, little Billy’s gonna die at home! Go on in. Dammit man! I forgot how to check that.       

I have $0. Everybody’s okay though. I think I can- I can- I think I can save for money. Can I save for heat as well? I have no idea. I don’t want to get sick. Okay, sleep.

Alrighty righty dighty doty, I’m gonna leave this episode here. I really like this game. It’s really cool. It really makes you feel if like, you let the wrong people in; and then you’re like oh God no they’re gonna cause trouble. And then you get it taken out of your paycheck, and then your son at home is sick, and you’re like ah little Billy no! But I like it! Let me know what you guys think of the game. I- I- I think it’s a cool game. It was getting a lot of praise when it came out. It- it’s a couple years old now I think at this point. I- I- I dunno. I liked the iPad version of it better cuz it fills the screen a bit more. You can drag and drop stuff and you get to click the stamper yourself. It’s a lot of fun but for the sake of recording it’s much easier to do the PC version. 

But for now, thank you guys so much for watching this video. If you liked it, punch that like button in the face like a boss! And, high fives all round! [Imitates high-five noises] But thank you guys and I’ll see all you dudes, in the next video!  

[Post-Outro Snippet]

Glory to Arstotzka! Greatest country! Make us proud!