lil-ol-liz - Tumblr blog

[lil-ol-liz]

[lil-ol-liz]

withered // 11.4.2017

[lil-ol-liz]

[lil-ol-liz]

recovery update:

I’ve given up.

[lil-ol-liz]

Pink Halite on White Halite

Locality:  Searles Lake, San Bernardino County, California, United States of America

[lil-ol-liz]

Dulces sueños putas

[lil-ol-liz]

tw; behavior filled evening

I went & smoked with some friends, like a lot. & I was/ am still super duper high. I’ve been home for like 3 hours but I’ve been binging for the last 2 1/2 hours after eating hardly anything these last few days. I honestly don’t know how describe how I feel right now other than... empty? Both metaphorically and physically? Like after all the shit I’ve eaten in this binge I still feel not full. I really feel like I’m on auto pilot right now. I’m sad & anxious & confused. My mind is a mess & I feel like this is going to really fuck me up tomorrow.

[lil-ol-liz]

you owe it to yourself to keep moving forward.

[lil-ol-liz]

[lil-ol-liz]

i can’t believe this is who i am // 1.23.2017

[lil-ol-liz]

disclaimer; I’m okay for now, I’m just thinking about shit and this came to mind.

my mouth is bitter with the taste of relapse slowing filling up my mouth; pushing and squeezing through my rotted teeth & pouring down my throat like a mug of boiling water. It tastes like the sick sense of desperation mixed with a dash of self loathing. It makes my throat itch and swell with the promising goal of being beautiful. Settling in my stomach like a bag of rocks and pushing me down, making me weak and lightheaded just like my restricted mindset had made me feel only months ago. The ringing in my ears is loud, louder than any voice of a cruel monster could manage, shouting at me to stop. Whispering sweet nothings of love and encouragement. It pulls my hair out strand by strand, leaving my scalp raw and patched. The depression dripping down my face, making my eyes empty and my cheeks hollow. It engulfs my entire being even before I have time to say please no! Not again. Before I can even open my mouth to protest it takes over and I’m whispering “welcome back”

[lil-ol-liz]

my heart hurts thinking about where my life has landed me these last few weeks. although from an outside perspective, you’d think that for the most part i’ve finally got my shit together- when i reality i am struggling. struggling to wake up, and talk, and most important- eat. i’ve hit an all time low in my body image. i’m teetering on the brink of my lowest weight once again. it feels like a crazy daze that i’m in. i feel happy and for the most part physically okay. but this is not where i should be at in my recovery and for the first time in a long time, i have no desire to fix it. i’m fearful and sad that this is what the rest of my life entails for me. desperately holding onto happiness while simultaneously slipping away seemingly unnoticed. 

[lil-ol-liz]

tw ; ED behaviors

I just binged & purged for the first time in over 6 months. My usual behaviors are either restricting and/or eating “normal” amounts and purging- but today I’ve been so hungry ? mostly I just want to eat for some reason. Eating is usually a chore but today I felt like eating & eating. That made me feel super uncomfortable & gross but once i ate a little snack, I didn’t want to stop which resulted in a awful purge session. I feel drained physically & mentally. I don’t want to eat anymore today in fear that some calories from my binge are probably still in me.. I’ve been doing good this last week or so I don’t know what happened today. Sometimes I wish I was back in residential and could just stay there forever. To be guided & helped at my whim. Fuck Ed. Why does he give me this false sense of comfort & control. He just makes me want to die sometimes.

[lil-ol-liz]

[lil-ol-liz]

note to self : keep going!

I have come to the sudden conclusion that starting tomorrow I am really really going to try to get back on the right track. I’ve been pushing my recovery aside and as a result I’ve slipped back into a state of depression. I cannot just sit around and expect things to get better. It’s hard when there’s not a constant group of people supporting you & staff there to make sure you’re eating. But I’m an adult & as an adult & as a person of immense resilience I know I’m capable of doing this. It’s not for anyone else, it’s for me. I know the eating disorders going to get loud again but that just means I’m fighting hard to push that bitch back out to the curb. I don’t want to live in a state of worry & self loathing. I don’t want to have to think about going back into treatment. I don’t want to be sad. End of the story. I just want to be happy. & if eating a “whole bunch” is what it takes then I’m going to do it. I would be lying if I said it’s not going to be hard. There’s gonna be days where I just don’t want to & days that I might not follow through with the plan. But I’m going to try. That includes waking up, getting out of bed, showering, brushing my teeth, eating. Doing things that seem like mundane tasks to most but are a challenge to me every day. I’ve gotta get back on the saddle and start really working again. It’s all for he best. I frankly don’t give a fuck if my eating disorder has an opinion on it or not. Fuck that bitch.

[lil-ol-liz]

[lil-ol-liz]

I’ve been having difficult thoughts lately, the voices are beckoning me back into the sick role, trying to convince me it’s a good idea to go there again. It’s not. Becoming sick again means becoming miserable again. Means waking up all through the night. Means dripping in cold sweats. Means hair falling out. Nails breaking. Skin oily. Bones brittle. Muscles aching. Paranoia. Falling asleep during the day. No concentration. No control. Don’t believe a word your ed says. Being sick is not glamorous, not special, not fun. It’s misery and pain and it’s just not worth it. Please be safe and remember the reality of this terrible disease. Love to all xxx