jstagrlinabigbadworld-blog

[jstagrlinabigbadworld-blog]

[jstagrlinabigbadworld-blog]

Interesting article, although I am a single woman not a mother / wife I can very much relate to the constant pressure and need to fill every minute of everyday with something. 

[jstagrlinabigbadworld-blog]

[jstagrlinabigbadworld-blog]

Mind over matter??!

What a difference a few days can make - is it mind over matter or are the meds kicking in already?? Either way I don't care - it's a good thing. I had a pretty epic long weekend and drank - a lot - of alcohol. I knocked off work early today to meet a handyman who is giving me a quote for some odd jobs that should have been done a year ago. He was running a little late and instead of sitting on the couch to wait as I normally would, I pulled out the lawn mower and mowed my front yard. Once he'd been I then did the back yard as well. I'm sitting here in a little bit of disbelief. I have been going to do the lawns for about 6 weeks - I'm not even kidding. I'd sit at work and promise myself today would be the day and then I'd get home and see the couch and that'd be the end of that. It was like a jungle out there - the grass was higher then the bonnet of my ride on lawn mower. Well the back yard was, the front wasn't that bad. But that's ok it's done now. I even properly cleaned the bottom of my small mower - I'm embarrassed how badly I've been treating it. Guess what else I did? I took stuff out of the freezer for dinner tonight and tomorrow night. Yep. I think in all honesty I've probably cooked five times in the past three months and the rest of the time it's been either takeaway or no dinner. Healthy living right here. Not. The most amazing thing about all this? I'm still actually feeling a little dusty after the weekend which would normally mean I definitely don't do anything productive let along get the mowers out. Another small step was that although I did drink a lot, I didn't get black out drunk and I didn't do anything I couldn't tell my Mum about. I didn't wake up with a sense of shame or worry about something I did or said or can't remember. I got happily drunk and then went home - I'm normally one of the last to leave but not this time. Even the next day when the girls were talking about stuff that happened after I left I found I didn't mind missing out. Don't worry, I'm not getting ahead of myself and I know I'm not 'cured'. But I have had a good day for the first time in a long time and I'm going to celebrate the small wins.

[jstagrlinabigbadworld-blog]

Sounds like a good place to start.

Quick reminders:

Keep hydrated. 

Eat, nourish your body.

Take your meds.

Rest, relax.

Treat yourself.

Get some sleep.

[jstagrlinabigbadworld-blog]

This.

[jstagrlinabigbadworld-blog]

...and so it begins

So today September 9 2016 is to be the day that everything changed for me - for the better of course.

Yesterday, after a long period of being unhappy I finally had a meeting with the General Manager of my work. Evidently my unhappiness wasn’t a secret and he came fully prepared with an offer of basically a new role that will exclude the main cause of my unhappiness. Me 1 - World 0.

The next meeting I had was even tougher. It was with a Doctor, not my normal doctor mind you - he’s off sunning himself in the Bahamas. I think that actually made it easier to have the conversation as I didn’t know this new Doc from Adam and I wasn’t afraid what he’d think of me. Mind you, it still wasn’t easy and I made up a dozen different ailments in the waiting room to use as back up in case I chickened out. But I didn’t. Instead, I sat down and before he even had a chance to ask what I was there for I blurted out my story. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 17 and I have had and on going battle with it for the last 17 years. Holy shit I just realised its been half my life! I have mostly been unmedicated and self managing but occasionally I realise that I’m not dealing with it and have to get some happy pills. The last time was about 4 years ago. I thought I was doing ok, I made myself join some community organisations and made a commitment to be an active participant so I had to be out of the house at least 4 times a week. But I’ve recently been reading a few articles and it hit me - putting a smile on my face might trick my friends but I can’t let it trick me anymore. I need to stop pretending. I know I’m not happy. I would be content to go home from work every day and sit on my couch, watch Netflix with my dog and get takeaway delivered every night. My house needs the spring clean from hell because I don’t do housework and now I’m embarrassed to have people visit. I have been drinking too much and using that as an excuse to make poor choices. I’ve slept with inappropriate men and find it hard to feel bad about it even though I know it should make me feel awful. I know I was counting on them to make me feel good, even if it was short lived. The stupid thing is, it never does. Maybe the danger makes its more appealing for drunk me. I’m not sure.

The good news is that this new Doc didn’t just write me out a script for my preferred drug and send me on my way. He spent about half an hour talking to me about why depression happens and he had a holistic approach to treatment and was concerned about the medium to long term outcome not just the short term. He wrote me a list of things to bring into my life - the drugs were the last thing on the list. He has given me a referral to see a psychologist so I can work on the way I think and so I can try stop the negative thought patterns and life style choices. He also recommend an app to teach me about meditation and mindfulness with the instructions to use it twice a day. I’ve never tried meditation or any of those types of things before but I’m giving it a shot - after all what have I got to lose? Nothing important, just my happiness and will to live.... The other things on the list seem obvious but are no less important: eat healthy, exercise regularly and ditch the alcohol.

The first two are ok but ditch the alcohol? I’m a red blooded Aussie woman and it is footy finals time and my team are still in it- how am I meant to celebrate that without a beer in my hand?? My two best mates are in the local netball granny this weekend, and as a club we’ve got Saturday night celebrations, vote count Sunday and then Mad Monday. Maybe the alcohol free zone can start next week - yes I know alcohol is a depressant and only a bandaid fix to make me feel good for a short while. But this weekend is one which I am genuinely excited for. Besides - Rome wasn’t built in a day and I can’t change everything straight away right??

Anyway moral of the story is that today is day 1 in my journey to become Me again, not just a depressed muted version of myself.

I’ve made a bit step already. I had one of those annoying office conversations about the weather with a colleague. Now that may seem like nothing to you, but it was with my ex manager and source of my workplace unhappiness. He’s probably not a bad guy overall but he NEVER shuts up. I will never again ask him how he is going because he is one of those people that will give you a run down of everything that has happened in his life since you last spoke. Including how his wife’s menopause is going. I’m not even kidding. That kind of person is my idea of hell. I’m not a chatty person at the best of times so for the last 6 months I’ve basically avoided any and all conversation with him apart from the obligatory good morning and goodbye. I made a commitment yesterday to my boss and to myself that I would try to deal with him better, as it apparently causes tension in the office and I don’t want to be that person. So while that ‘how bout this rain?’ chat might be nothing to you, it was a big thing to me and I’m proud of myself for getting through it. I didn’t even feel the need to throat punch him once!