jugulodigastric-blog

[jugulodigastric-blog]

med school applications

Honestly, I can’t even believe that I’m actually applying to medical school right now. I went from being a passively suicidal teen who didn’t want to go to college because I did not believe I would live long enough to get there, to being a Master’s graduate who finally got up the guts to go after my dream. It’s been a long time coming; I decided I wanted to be a doctor 7 years ago, after strictly applying to art schools and then waking up one morning with no inclination to do art and an insatiable desire to learn about medicine. As expected after this type of insane life-changing revelation, I struggled. I tried to do what I had always done, which was to skate by without ever opening a book, and that did not work, so I went to the opposite end of the spectrum and started consuming my textbooks, ignoring all else. This also did not work for shit. This has been an incredible journey of realizing what a stubborn fucker I am, and how my brain works best, and what I need to do to succeed. I’m still figuring that last one out. I do know that I will never pull another all-nighter. I also know that if it’s in the textbook but not the powerpoint, I don’t need to worry about being on the test. I learned to do my work FAR in advance because I don’t like being pressured to finish shit and my brain needs time to ruminate on material. Science is hard for me. I am not naturally good at it, as I am good at reading and drawing and remembering birthdays. I need to work twice as hard as other people to be half as good, and while that sucks, it’s something I’ve had to come to terms with. I spent every lunch break studying, 3-4 hours after work every day, 90% of my days off at the library or coffee shop, cramming MCAT down my throat and hoping it would find its way into my brain somehow. I haven’t seen most of my friends since 2017. It’s finally almost here; these applications will probably crush me, and I can feel the sting of rejection before I’ve even submitted them, but I’m finally feeling brave enough to fill them out and leave my heart on the line in the process. I don’t even feel intelligent enough to properly fill out the application, but whatevs. I’m scared to death of this, but it’s time.

[jugulodigastric-blog]

paracosm

A paracosm is a phenomenon where a detailed, imaginary world is created in one’s mind. The world I imagined with you was a paracosm; I thought you’d always be part of my days, that we’d end up together at some point. I lived in that delusion for 6 years, never wavering in the fantasy that you would wake up one morning and realize I was the one you had been waiting for. I tried to be everything you wanted, sacrificing what I wanted and needed to be there for you whenever you needed, trying to fit into some mold of the Perfect Girl. Not too opinionated, not too confident. Funny, but not too funny. Not smarter than you. And you just let me squash myself into this subdued version of myself, encouraging me to change to appease you. What a fucking joke. You were never going to see me as someone you could feel that way about. I was the back-up in case shit didn’t work out with Jenna. That thought always crept in after another summer night wrapped up in you, but from a distance, because you were never mine. I remember being so happy when you got into med school, because your dreams were coming true. I also remember being so excited to tell you that I got into Rutgers and you said, “I always knew you were Jersey trash.” This happened every time I told you something I was excited about, actually. Like when I said I had joined Greek life and you said that Miami’s Greek life was better than UNC’s, or when you would make endless jokes about how shitty UNC was, or make fun of my skin color because the girls in Miami were so tan and beautiful, as if I am not beautiful in my own way. Truthfully, I have no idea how Jenna stuck with your ass for so long, with how you treat the women in your life that you claim to love. I guess I dodged a bullet when I think about it, but that doesn’t stop me from missing you all the time. You cross my mind every single day and I can’t believe that you never tried to call me. I can’t believe you let me go so easily. I can’t believe that you honestly believed that my feelings for you were simply carnal. I can’t believe you ruined us, but I also can’t believe that I let you treat me like the first slice of bread for so long; you move it aside every time you reach for a better piece. I still follow Becky on instagram and Facebook because I like her and she posts cool shit, but it seriously feels like a punch in the gut when she posts pictures with you in them. I miss the sweet ignorance of the paracosm. I wish you had been the one.