jujujournal

[jujujournal]

The H's

It’s Christmas eve day. I signed up to work a few hours tonight. That will be the first part of my ‘socializing’ for the holidays. The second part will be tomorrow night - when I signed up for another short shift. New Years day has a full shift available - but it’s in a facility and I don’t know that I really want to do that. I’ve learnt that I don’t particularly like working in a facility. I prefer the autonomy and one on one of hospice and home health. This is a weird time of year for me. I long to be with family and friends but if invited I would likely say no. I don’t want the stress of carrying on conversations and dealing with everyones’ drama. The weather here is out of the teens - I know we will get another cold snap before it’s all said and done but I am grateful for the reprieve.  So glad I bought my electric fireplace, I can only imagine how cold it would have gotten in here without it. I want more but I have so much more than many others.

The morning before the arctic temps blew in I sat here absolutely horrified knowing there are people living on the streets that would have nowhere safe to get in out of the literally life threatening temperatures. My friends and coworkers offered all the platitudes and comforts of the city offering warming stations and how the salvation army is open 24/7. That’s right, they’ve never been touched by homelessness - they don’t understand that that isn’t enough. 

People with pets won’t be allowed in shelters. People not in areas of warming stations don’t have the option to hop in their car and drive there. I can pass out blankets and hot drinks and try to make myself feel as though I’ve done a small part, but it won’t change what I know - that there are men, women, and children out there without access to any of these  assistances that are being offered. So there is the contradiction of me, I want to do more to help but I don’t trust people so I can’t/won’t open my home to them. I don’t have fancy things to steal, but I have my peace and I have my pets and those are the things most precious to me. I have adult children whom I’d give anything for but they don’t live here so are not part of that decision making equation. So what do I do?  Donate to shelters? Yea, I know someone who stayed at a homeless shelter one night. He left his bag of belongings in the courtyard and the facility threw them away. They didn’t take the clothes and wash them for those who might need them, they didn’t hold them so that someone who had nothing could reclaim them, they threw them away - all while begging for donations. I can’t wrap my head around that. Drive around and pass out supplies - I do, at least as much as I can afford, which is really less than a drop in a bucket when you look at the grand scheme of things. Not to mention time constraints, if you get there ‘too late’ they can’t help. They have curfews - I get it, but that doesn’t help people who miss the cutoff. Check in is 7pm - 10pm, and you have to be out by 7am. Even if you make the cutoff and they have room for you there are still 12 hours a day you have to keep yourself safe. Homeless aren’t welcomed in most places so that means on the streets, but not too close to a home or business because then they are loitering.

I’m not saying that some people haven’t landed themselves in these situation but making poor life choices - but a lot of them haven’t. SO many people out there are just one paycheck away from being at risk for homelessness.They aren’t bad people, they aren’t drug addicts, they aren’t wasting money on electronics, gambling, etc. They’re working full time jobs struggling to make ends meet. Cast all the accusation you want and make all the excuses you need to for your lack of compassion: there are programs to help, they should have gone to college to get a higher paying job, etc. As far as I am concerned you are only giving yourself justification and an excuse to not care.  I see people on street corners begging, and I sometimes roll down my window and offer what I have - be in a little cash, food, jackets, blankets, bottled water, whatever - but then I’ve seen those people throw away anything that isn’t cash and drive off in their cars and head for their homes. Now that isn’t on me, that’s on them. That’s their karma. I don’t understand though how you can have a roof over your head, food for your belly, and stand on a corner stealing from those who truly need help - making people second guess helping at all because they don’t know whether the person asking for help truly needs it or is just another scam artist. I disassociate, I turn off my emotions to a large degree, I am guilty of those things, but I can’t turn off my compassion. I cannot see someone with less and think how easy it would be to take from them so I would have more. I was reading through a page in my local area that helps homeless folks, specifically a post on social media. A comment caught my eye “Look at all that debris”. This person didn’t see the struggle, didn’t see the people camping under old carpets trying to stay safe and warm, they only saw the debris. Is it horrible that their is filth and trash, of course it is. But how is it not worse that there are people that this is their best option?!?!

[jujujournal]

FW4?

On to more tough realizations - if I am completely honest I do sometimes miss having someone present. I talk to my pets like they are human. They listen, perhaps without comprehending the words, but they do seem to understand emotion. Most people seem to have trouble with both of those categories so at least the dogs have mastered one of them. Anyway, yes, there are days that coming home and just quietly snuggling up with someone and a nice cup of tea, or whatever, sounds very fulfilling. Do I miss it enough to settle? Do I miss it enough to compromise? No. And therefor I realize it is most likely just another dream that may not be attainable. Again, I am content with this. I am not one of those people who believes that you can ‘have it all’. Sometimes we must choose the things that are most important. Now before you argue and say yes, I can have it all - let me offer a dramatic yet overly simplified example of why you cannot. What if I said I wanted a home in the California from which I could watch the sun rise and set over the ocean? Friendship. I have learned that I give more than I receive. I don’t mean physical gifts. I mean people call me with all their problems (remember I said I’m a good listener) but if I express a problem, concern, life altering decision I am facing, I have found that these friends always move the conversation back to themselves - if they were even listening enough to comprehend what I am saying to being with. Likely my own fault as I don’t reach out to build friendships - just taking whatever comes along and offers itself up. This is in part, large part, because I truly feel that I do not have enough in common with most people to develop long term friendships. Maybe part of that is being part of the so called GenX. What say you? Then look for friends in my age group? I feel like there are some basic commonalities than help make relatable friends. Musical tastes, interests, relationship status, and even political/religious affiliations. I recently was having a bit of a personal crisis. I was emotionally depleted and second guessing my life/career choices. When I reached out to my so called friend they glanced over my situation and went back to telling me about their current dating issues. That is exactly how I find friendships to go. There are also the friends you only hear from when they need something. I will help, but I will also remember that this is the only time I hear from you. I am a million percent aware that people have psychological  and emotional health issues, addiction issues, etc that they have to deal with. I have zero tolerance however for nonstop negativity. I also can’t ride the “on and off the clean and sober wagon”. This is true in all forms of relationship for me. Is it fair? No, probably not, but this is part of the reason the subtitle on this rambling is called The Ugly Truth. I know for a fact I am not necessarily a wonderful person but I am honest about my faults. I also can’t bear people who apologize for something but then do nothing to change. Are you sorry or are you just sorry that you’re being seen in a less than positive light? A while back someone who had taken a great deal of money that should have been divided with two other people offered to invest some of what was left of that money  - the money that wasn’t theirs to begin with - in one of the other persons business idea - and then blamed the person who declined for hurting their feelings. I was that person. I declined the money and stated that I didn’t agree with them having the money to begin with. I am the bad guy in this scenario. What they did was wrong. I will not say it was ok just to get a payout. I try very hard not to be a hypocrite and I can’t imagine doing anything much more hypocritical than taking that money. The remainder of that money should be given to myself and the other person who should have received it to being with. Right the wrong, don’t try to capitalize on it.

[jujujournal]

FW3

When my last relationship ended I vowed to not make the mistakes of my past again, to not settle, to not ignore ‘red flags’ and to build my life following my own advice. Guess what? It’s been hard. There have been pitfalls, I have made mistakes that I have learned from, and I have done exactly what I set out to do. I enjoy my job, quite possibly for all the wrong reason, but it pays my bills. I have built my credit and taken control of my finances. I have accepted my faults and worked to improve them. My ex blamed me for everything that ever went wrong in their life from the time we got together. In retrospect they did the same to their exes before me - I know because I heard about it regularly for 20 years. And before the exes it was their parents. Nonetheless when we were together I worked hard to take responsibility for the things that may have been my fault, to at least my part in those things. I learned to think before I spoke and make statements that conveyed my thoughts on my personal behaviours and reactions rather than theirs. And I still found myself walking on eggshells. The first day I came home to an empty house, I was not sad or lonely, I was relieved. I relaxed for the first time in years. I still kick myself for decisions I made when we were together. Most of those decisions I made to try to make them happy. Takes me back to the whole ‘if you can’t be happy on your own’ message. So these days I nitpick. If someone wants to date me I start analyzing what about that person I will end up resenting them for. The majority of the time the answer is the same - making me responsible for their happiness. There are other things that are perhaps less fair though - irresponsible money management for example. Literally a deal breaker for me. Shallow? Perhaps. I am honest enough with myself to know that I don’t care if it seems shallow. Better to be forthcoming. Also I am all about having dreams but only if you have a plan to achieve those dreams. If wishes were horses beggars would ride. My dream? To live somewhere it doesn’t drop into the teens. I’d rather it stay above freezing year round. I want about 5 acres of land because I don’t think I could handle more on my own. I’d like to have a rescue/sanctuary funded in part by an onsite boarding and grooming facility, but would also like to have a 501c3 in place. Of course I need a large fenced in area just for my personal pack that is attached to the house. I would love to also have a mother-in-;aw suite or other separate home space for family or friends in need. So, what am I doing to achieve this dream? For starters, I know it is a dream, and although I can work toward it, I may not ever attain it. I continue to pay off my debt, improve my credit, and search for places that can provide for my requirements at a cost that I can reasonably incur. Right now, I have no mortgage and the potential to have a small boarding and rescue area. I also live in the middle of nowhere and winters get far colder than I like. The cold literally hurts me, this isn’t just about preferring summer. So, while I am doing the things that may bring me to a point that I could attain this area, I am ok with it being a dream and my backup is to be able ti simply retire with enough income to continue to pay my bills and care for my pets. I am content with this.

[jujujournal]

FW2

I have a standing joke that I need someone that wants a stay at home housewife with no sex drive. I will clean the house, I will have dinner on the table, and I will let you do whatever you want in your spare time. I will show up at the company Christmas party and put on a beautiful show of our loving, perfect relationship. I will snuggle up at the end of a long day and relax with you while watching a movie or reading a book or listening to music. But, don’t expect me to carry a conversation. I am great at listening but terrible at small talk. Once we’ve covered the weather and your day at work I’m pretty much tapped out. I love to travel, but I have a literal pack of dogs which makes that challenging unless I find a pet sitter crazy enough to handle them all or board them all. You can imagine the costs associated. Some would say they’re also a convenient excuse to not socialize and/or have a relationship. Yea - bingo! So I’m in hospice because I don’t have to commit, and I’m in rescue because it is safer to care for dogs (or any pet really) than it is for humans. I am never alone, I also ways have my dogs. They don’t judge, the don’t lie or cheat. 

I can’t stand people who say they don’t like people, that they’re anti-social, that they are loners. Why? Because 90% of them are out having lunch or at some weekend event etc. when given the opportunity.                                                                                                                                                 Same for people who don’t want to be in a relationship but are always complaining they aren’t in a relationship. Hello? Contradict yourself often? Look, either you want to or you don’t. Also folks who get into one relationship after another getting their heart broken time and again because they keep choosing the same person in a different skin. If they find a person who is actually decent they nitpick a reason to not be involved with that person. I don’t care about ‘past trauma’ and every other excuse for that scenario. When you find what you want and then don’t throw it away, don’t whine about it. You’re an adult, you made a decision. Live with it and stop saying you wish you could find the right person. You don’t want the right person. You want to complain about not having a fairytale. Oh and all of you who are reading this saying “same”, I highly doubt it. Really look at your life and the choices you have made and continue to make. Can you still same “same”?

[jujujournal]

Fair Warning

I’m not good at saying things that make people feel better. I am not good at advice unless it is very utilitarian. For example, I can help you create a budget that works for you, no problem but don’t ask me about your relationships or how to cope with your emotional pain. I’m not the one you want to call when you need comfort, but if you’re short on milk money I’ll gladly send you a few dollars and never mention it to you or anyone else - ever.

I have watched far too many friends and family members expect men to fix their lives. Physical human men, or their interpretation of God. To me it’s all basically the same. When people start telling me how wonderful their life is, or is going to be, because of one of these entities, I immediately turn off. I often discover truths about myself based on telling others what I see as the cold hard truth about them and their lives. Case and Point I most recently laughed when chatting with a fellow hospice care worker, whom also states their dislike for people, that we like ‘a person’ but we ‘dislike people’. Side note: that person doesn’t really dislike people and is almost always on a date or out with coworkers etc. Anyway, I went on to say hospice is different, we typically only have to care for a short period of time, there’s limited commitment. Snap - fear of commitment that I didn’t even know I had. Now fear of commitment is not the same as being unable or unwilling to be loyal. I don’t cheat, I am not looking for an emotional or physical connection, so that’s an easy one for me. I do however shut down. Sometimes I shut down because I know myself. I do a lot of self reflection and I try to be brutally honest with myself. I have a list of reasons a mile long not to be involved in a long term relationship with anyone. Most people call these reasons red flags. In all honestly though they’re more about me than the other person. If someone can’t or won’t budget, red flag. If someone is always sad, hurt, self deprecating, red flag. If someone can’t or won’t go do something without me, simply because they want to do it, red flag. I judge and I judge harshly because I know my tolerance level is almost non-existent. So as a control freak and someone who doesn’t know how to deal with other peoples’ emotions, I am a professional at being happily single. I frequently say if you can’t be happy on your own you’ll never be happy with someone else. I think I’ve mostly mastered being happy on my own, which is probably a damned good thing. I also never believe anyones’ proclaimed feelings for me unless they are of dislike. I don’t believe in balanced friendships. I don’t believe in love - not in general, just especially for myself. I’ve been in two long term relationships. They both taught me all the things I dislike about relationships. Turns out those ‘things’ are the very definition of relationships.