julian-is-unstable

[julian-is-unstable]

i know I've posted about this before but idc. it's already hard enough to experience psychosis. it's already hard enough to hear distorted voices on the other side of your door and see shadow people trying to get you. it's hard enough to spend so much energy freaking out because you think someone's in your house or your loved ones are dead or your brain has been removed from your body without you knowing. it's hard enough experiencing cognitive decline and having difficulty doing basic things that used to come naturally to you.

I'm tired of people making it even harder by demonizing, stigmatizing or making light of psychotic disorders.

I've said it before but I'll say it again. you're not delusional because you think a guy likes you. your partner isn't psychotic because they yelled at you. you're not "going insane" when you get really excited or irritated about something. please please PLEASE stop fucking using words that people have on their medical papers in this way.

[julian-is-unstable]

sometimes being deeply delusional and unable to talk about it safely feels like how being in the closet did. it's this suffocating infinity of small invalidations, slights they don't realize are slights, and a deep fear that telling them what's wrong will lead to a volatile response. it's hiding what feels like a fundamental part of your existence because you're scared.

[julian-is-unstable]

[julian-is-unstable]

My insanity is not your fucking aesthetic

[julian-is-unstable]

i can't do anything. i can't do anything i want to do because i keep thinking about this stupid disease in my brain.

i'm medicated. i have basically no symptoms as long as i take my meds. but the times that i forget just... captivate me. the hallucinations. the (short term) delusions. I'm incredibly lucky that my episodes only last a few hours, but then again, I've only really had this disorder for less than a year. i don't know if my meds will stop working,. i don't know if i'll be able to take them consistently enough to avoid a full psychotic break. that's my biggest fear, i think. having my first one. i haven't had it yet. and i'm deathly afraid of how horrible and terrifying and traumatizing it'll be when i do.

i was already hospitalized once. i can't let it happen again. i was so scared there. i had no idea what to do or how long i'd stay there for. i was lucky it ended up not being too long.

i just... i don't know. i don't know what the point of this is. i just know that all i can think about is my psychosis and when the next episode will be, and how it'll be worse than the last time, and so will the next, and the next. forever. every time i forget. every time i get too stressed. every time i fail to take care of myself. it'll keep happening.

and there's nothing i can do.

[julian-is-unstable]

i get so irrationally fucking angry when i hear someone who isn't psychotic or bipolar casually (and incorrectly) use words like "manic" or "psychotic" or "delusional".

you will never fucking know what it's like to live the way i do. you will never fucking understand. stop stealing and misusing the only words i can use to describe what's going on with me you careless fuckhead JUST USE DIFFERENT WORDS IT'S NOT THAT HARD OH MY GOD

[julian-is-unstable]

so i had a minor psychotic episode and was posting a bunch of my thoughts on my main account during it last night, and waking up to notifications of well intentioned people trying to help me or expressing concern has made me feel like i need to retreat inwards and socially withdraw entirely SO bad. i don't even really feel comfortable talking to my partner i live with about it. i feel so shameful and stupid and mildly depressed about the whole thing, even though i know it wasn't that big of a deal.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this here. just kind of a vent i guess.

[julian-is-unstable]

Stop calling my name I'm not paying attention to you!!

[julian-is-unstable]

being on antipsychotics for your bipolar and possible schizophrenia is all fun and games until it forces you into a depressive episode for several months and everything becomes overwhelming all the time and you can't do any basic tasks anymore (i am now somehow less functional than i was when i was literally psychotic)

[julian-is-unstable]

[julian-is-unstable]

i think it's just that i was expecting to feel the way i did before i experienced any sort of psychosis when i'm medicated, but that's impossible. my reality will never be what it was pre-psychosis even if i find a way to get rid of the psychotic symptoms and i'll just... have to be okay with that. forever. for the rest of my life. and i hate that.

i hate being medicated because i always feel off now. not necessarily like a zombie, it's weird. i function normally, but something just always feels a little wrong. like something is being suppressed or held back that's supposed to be there. basically i think i can literally feel the sensation of my lack of symptoms like as if there's a gap in my brain and it's so fucking weird but it's better than having drastic mood swings and psychosis and manic episodes so whatever. i still hate it though and it's really really strange to adjust to.

is that weird? does anyone else experience that or is it because my view of myself and the world is permanently altered because i've experienced something close to a psychotic break before? i don't really know.

[julian-is-unstable]

i hate being medicated because i always feel off now. not necessarily like a zombie, it's weird. i function normally, but something just always feels a little wrong. like something is being suppressed or held back that's supposed to be there. basically i think i can literally feel the sensation of my lack of symptoms like as if there's a gap in my brain and it's so fucking weird but it's better than having drastic mood swings and psychosis and manic episodes so whatever. i still hate it though and it's really really strange to adjust to.

is that weird? does anyone else experience that or is it because my view of myself and the world is permanently altered because i've experienced something close to a psychotic break before? i don't really know.

[julian-is-unstable]

*showing visible symptoms* oh my god i need help desperately

*symptoms go away for one day* what if im just faking it

[julian-is-unstable]

*through gritted teeth* I am capable of love. I don’t hate my partner and he doesn’t hate me. my friends think I am cool and they trust me. Clients think I am sweet and helpful. *clasping my hands over my ears* I am not going to kill myself. God is not sick of me. I am kind towards my parents. I am not going to accidentally kill someone. I have potential. *thrashing and kicking like possessed* I am a good person. I am beautiful. My past is gone. I am clean. I am not psychotic anymore. I am going to stop taking meds soon. *high pitch screams* I am-

[julian-is-unstable]

don't worry guys my crystal temporarily took all my symptoms away like it always does and i was able to fall asleep just fine 👍 so we're good

auuugshdh I'm seekng shit I'm seeing shit when i close my eyes everybtime i close my eyes j cant go to sleep i cant or i see them j see these things and they dont i dont they . i. i don't know whay to do help please they i dont they dont please they dont i dont please pleade pkewse pleade.

[julian-is-unstable]

auuugshdh I'm seekng shit I'm seeing shit when i close my eyes everybtime i close my eyes j cant go to sleep i cant or i see them j see these things and they dont i dont they . i. i don't know whay to do help please they i dont they dont please they dont i dont please pleade pkewse pleade.

[julian-is-unstable]

this illness is actually so terrifying dude. i can't stop thinking about how if i didn't have medicaid and i wasn't prescribed antipsychotics by now i would probably be in the middle of a psychotic break and someone would find me on the street and put me in a small room in a hospital again. these pills I'm taking are actually the only thing stopping me from completely losing my mind and landing me in a fucking institution. and that's so fucking horrifying to think about. i could even be Dead right now. like I'm actually just on the edge of losing ebrrutjing and these meds are the only thing stopping me from goingj over it.