jungian-julie

[jungian-julie]

Candyflip baby

I got pregnant on purpose while I was tripping ovaries. My man was tripping too ftr.

I already had babyfever and the feeling that I should start the next chapter in life for quite a while.

At the same time I could tell that my man needed to become a father. Every time he would come home from work and one of his customers had children, he immediately showed signs of baby fever. He couldn't stop himself from advising teenagers and trying to have a fatherly role towards anyone who seemed in need.

We both felt like we were putting our parental urges in the wrong places and it could've caused problems in the future. Helping and advising people is fine, but you're not their parent.

So during the trip we discussed the difficult things we would other wise avoid talking about while sober. Finally we decided that we would start TTC.

I felt on one hand like it could take months before I'd become pregnant, but on the other I knew deep in my heart and soul that if we did it now, it would take immediately. It did.

Afterwards we went out to watch Beetlejuice Beetlejuice in theater, which I can definitely recommend doing while tripping. That movie also weirdly enough brought me and my partner closer together.

BTW DON'T TAKE LSD OR MDMA WHILE PREGNANT, honestly it's not even smart to do it pre-pregnancy. You're better off not doing anything at least 3 months prior.

I'm just sharing all the embarrassing things here that I would never tell anyone else (besides my partner).

[jungian-julie]

Pregnancy and spiritual development

I believe that I had to get pregnant and have to have children to continue my spiritual development.

Stagnation was plaguing me, I felt quite lost after breaking my animus possession. When using the heroine's journey cycle as a guide, you could say that during my "girlboss era" I had the illusion of success.

I followed all the steps in "Nice girls don't get the corner office". I had that corner office. Well only sometimes because nobody exactly had a main place they could sit tbh, it would change constantly. My hair was cut very short and I was wearing suits everyday, which did cause people to take me way more seriously.

It came naturally to me, because I have had to lean on my animus, my inferior function, for most of my life. It's not easy being a woman in this society, especially while navigating a traumatic upbringing.

So I have a very well developed animus, which can easily take over. Yet even though I could do it - I could be a great lawyer, a great martial artist, I did not need a man - it was unbeknownst to me taking a massive toll on me. It lead to a burnout and a whole host of health problems. Some have me dealing with permanent damage.

It was like waking up from a dream. The illusion broke and I was aimless. My career felt like a fraud, my job felt like a fraud. I realized I wasn't actually adding anything to society and my work was meaningless. I had given up the chance to become a teacher, which I rather wanted, just for money and prestige.

I spent years doing nothing, just recovering and trying to recover myself. Find who I was before the longest stint of trauma, before the animus possession. I tried joining a convent too to become a nun, but they rejected me. They thought I was running away from life and challenges, which was true.

The reality is that I was deeply afraid of relationships with men and pregnancy. I stayed a virgin until my mid 20's because of that. My mother had a post partem psychosis and nearly killed me as a baby. I've always been afraid that I would go insane like her and end up killing the baby if I did ever get pregnant.

Sure, I could've continued avoiding all that, not face my deepest fears and traumas. I went completely through the fear, imagined the worst possible things and made it so that I created a situation where I can accept even those risks. Like surfing and managing a very bad trip.

I've seen so many professionals over the years who have said I'm not that much at risk of PPD/PPS. Plus being aware of it and telling doctors about it, means that they'll keep a better eye on me anyway. I have also been extremely picky with my partner choice, brutally picky, so I know that I'll get the support I need.

I know there's so much potential for suffering, but life is suffering anyway. I'd rather take meaningful suffering which feels more martyr-like than aimlessly floating in the wind like an autumn leaf. I needed to stop fencesitting. I needed to get off the pot or shit.

By orienting myself on motherhood, I have made more progress in processing my trauma than I've done in a decade. It has forced me to face what's in my shadow and also recover the positive things which were hidden in there.

It has helped me find a healthy form of femininity and find a place for my masculinity. It has freed me from superficial femininity pressures. I can't escape society, but I can choose to not let it affect me and to fight against it. While also not falling into the trap of admonishing femininity in favor of masculinity.

I'm not becoming a "trad" sahm homeschooling mother because I think it's easy, sunshine and rainbows. I'm becoming one, because that is what I feared the most and it's what I need to challenge my soul and make a diamond out of coal.

At the same time, it allows me to do what I always wanted to do and so many people gaslit me out of in favor of money. Which is working with children, teaching, cooking, baking, cleaning etc. I would rather clean piss and shit, which I have already done plenty while babysitting and when I volunteered at animal shelters, than manage one more manbaby in a suit.

Plus I am ready to just not be the main character anymore. I'm done with it. I'm bored, I'm not all that interesting and everyone loves the sidekick anyway. It also feels a lot more chill and peaceful and I'm still important and necessary in my own way. Plus there's less of a focus on me, so I can just do my own things.

I'm also really looking forward to becoming a granny and letting everyone else do the worrying while I stuff their faces with cakes.

[jungian-julie]

"An old alchemist gave the following consolation to one of his disciples: No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you."

- Carl Jung

[jungian-julie]

SARMS during pregnancy

I'm taking MK-677 while pregnant.

MK-677 is better known as Ibutamoren and has become known for its properties to boost your muscle mass and lose fat quickly. It's a SARM and produces and releases growth hormone and reduces the inhibition of somatostatin. It also boosts ghrelin production, making you a lot more hungry.

It decreases the chance of miscarriage by 30% and if it are twins, it can help prevent growth restriction. It also has lots of benefits to skin, hair, nails and sleep quality.

In a couple weeks I'll have my first check up at the maternity clinic. Depending on the results from the blood test with regards to my liver values, glucose etc. and blood pressure measurements, I'll either continue or discontinue taking MK-677.

I'll stop anyway once I've been taking it for over 12 weeks. Then I'll have a break for a month before resuming, depending on what my health will be like.

I'm basically treating this pregnancy like the ultimate bulk. Since I'm also producing a natural form of Nandrolone (19-norandrosterone), which is an anabolic steroid. I'm not being as careful as I usually am with calories with a bulk, since I don't just need extra calories to gain muscle, but to also build a baby.

[jungian-julie]

[jungian-julie]

This used to be common knowledge when the only choice was to either become a nun or a mom. It's a sacrifice and picking up your cross either way. I see the suffering as important for my spiritual development. The other side of it is to learn to cultivate agape (charity love) even in the most difficult circumstances. Which I would've missed out on if they did let me become a nun.

Life is full of suffering either way. If I would've chosen to focus on my career and just live from vacation to vacation, with no other real purpose in life, that would be unbearable suffering to me. It would feel meaningless, just suffering at work so I can have my moments of pleasure.

You pick your sacrifices. You cannot go through life without sacrificing something. You just choose what is worth it to you.

I could've become a pro athlete in combat sports, but I wasn't willing to sacrifice my health. I had already broken bones due to it and it wouldn't have taken long before concussions would've piled up. I had to sacrifice being athlete, because I wasn't willing to sacrifice my body that way.

I have worked with those wealthier women who supposedly have more time for hobbies and their interests. That's not necessarily the case. They get 10k a month, but also have increased their monthly expenditures, have an outrageous mortgage, expensive cars etc., which often causes them to live from paycheck to paycheck just as much as anyone else. They still only get to travel maybe once or twice a year and still have to beg for time off.

The CEO of the major financial institution group I worked at, also said that her main regret was not spending more time with her family. She sacrificed her family for her career. She was promised a life of luxury and glamour, but she's so busy with work that she still doesn't have time to actually enjoy her money and spend time with her family. Sure her kids can have the latest gadgets, but at what cost.

There is no choice that you can make in life where you aren't sacrificing something. The grass always seems greener on the other side, until it isn't. Just pick what is worth it for you and deal with it.

just once, i'd like to see a "tradwife" blog where the wife in question looks 10 years older than she really is. i'd like to see the prematurely white hairs, the dried and wrinkled hands, the cracked and dull nails from constantly cleaning and washing dishes, the dark circles and eye bags. i want to see the trad wives who gained weight during pregnancy and never managed to lose it, the ones who have nowhere to complain that their knees and backs ache from scrubbing bathroom floors, the ones dead tired from spending all day on their feet sweeping and cooking.

i want to see the trad wives who look messy and disheveled because they had no time to wash their hair this week, whose faces hurt from falling asleep with their makeup on every night from sheer exhaustion. i want to see the trad wives who haven't bought a new dress in years, whose prettiest clothes don't fit them anymore, who only have one bra at this point and it's five years old and the underwire's starting to come out. i want to see the trad wives who are ashamed of their appearance, of the way their bodies changed, the baby weight they never shed. the ones who look longingly and jealously at wealthier women their age who look 10 years younger, those who have the time and money to invest in their looks and hobbies.

i want to see the trad wives whose children take them for granted. those whose children think the beds make themselves, the meals cook themselves, the house cleans itself. those whose children never help out around the house because "that's mom's job". i want to see the trad wives whose sons take after their fathers and never lift a finger to help because "that's women's work", and whose daughters are forced to become mini mothers and housekeepers from a young age because "that's women's work". i want to see the trad wives whose sons never grow up and whose daughters never get to be kids, because that's what they're taught.

i want to see the trad wives whose children are disabled. those whose toddlers aren't beautiful and docile little angels, but who have behavioural issues, developmental issues, health issues of all kinds. children who are crippled, paralyzed, on the spectrum, with down syndrome, deaf, blind, nonverbal. those whose children will require permanent care or even hopitalization throughout most of their lives, who require therapy or medication, who struggle with chronic pain or emotional regulation, for whom every day is a fight.

i want to see the trad wives whose husbands struggle to make ends meet. i want to see trad wives faced with a near-empty pantry, trying to figure out what to feed their children with. i want to see trad wives whose husbands are breaking down under financial strain, constantly irritable and withdrawn because they don't know how they'll afford the mortgage this month. i want to see the trad wives who have no idea how to help pay the bills because men are the ones who handle finances. i want to see trad wives struggling to hold back tears when their children complain about eating spaghetti and tuna for the second week in a row, or when they ask for a christmas gift they can't afford.

i want to see the trad wives who can't remember their own hobbies. i want to see trad wives whose eyesight's so far gone that by the time they have time, they can no longer read, or paint, or sew. i want to see the trad wives who gave up on their self-care routines long ago because there wasn't time nor money, the ones who haven't bought a candle or a new novel or a colored pencil set in years because their kids' dental surgery or college tuition was more important. i want to see the trad wives who say "i used to be a wonderful dancer once" or "i really loved pottery once" or "i was very good at math once, doubt i remember any of it now" with a sad, faraway look in their eyes.

i want to see the trad wives who are real. these pastel moodboards full of flowers and shining kitchens and blonde babies and thin young women with perfect skin are an illusion. they don't exist. to be a traditional housewife is to accept a life full of sacrifice. it means you're willing to waste away, to shrink in on yourself until there's almost nothing left, just for the sake of your family.

even if you do everything right, if you marry a good man who provides for you and doesn't abandon you, or cheat on you, or abuse you in any way (which is already like finding a needle in a haystack), you will still be faced with exhaustion and suffering. your children will not be perfectly angelic and lovely. your house will not be clean and flawless at all times. your husband will not be loving and doting forever. you will have to work yourself to the bone; you will have to sacrifice your looks, your health, your hobbies, your emotional needs, your physical and mental well-being. nothing about you will be a priority anymore.

if that kind of sacrifice is worth it to you, then i commend you; you are far braver and more noble than i. but if you are not willing to sacrifice everything about yourself for the sake of your family, then you should take a long, hard look in the mirror, and ask yourself if you've fallen in love with a fantasy. because i can promise you, the reality is so, so much uglier than you ever could've imagined.

[jungian-julie]

Emotionally sensitive

I can only watch lighthearted, cozy and whimsical things. My moods are all over the place thanks to rising progesterone and estrogen. It's already bad enough having to constantly ignore irrational intrusive thoughts. Never mind if I would also willingly consume negative content.

Today there's going to be a storm, so I'll have to take the bus to the city center to satisfy my cravings. It's too windy to go by bicycle and my man has gone off to work. After 4pm I'll also walk to the park to go get some pregnancy-safe sushi.

[jungian-julie]

5 weeks pregnant

I knew I was pregnant from the moment of conception. I felt like a Sims character, because I was convinced the moment I threw up one morning.

Everyone except my partner thought I was insane for knowing then already. I started to doubt myself and got concerned after tests kept being negative or showed such a thin line that I wasn't sure whether it was an evaporation line or a faint positive.

All the signs were there though, the symptoms were quite obvious to me. Weird cramps which didn't feel like period cramps, slowed digestion because of progesterone, morning sickness, worse mood swings than during PMS and warmth in that area.

The evening before the morning I decided to test again, the area around my uterus was almost glowing. It was so hot to the touch, while the rest of my body felt quite cold thanks to the weather.

Then Thursday 21/11/2024 it was a big fat positive. I immediately made an appointment with a maternity clinic and I was already taking into consideration that I could be pregnant. I had quit caffeine and vaping cold turkey beforehand.

I'm struggling with the fatigue though. I need to take a break after every chore or bit of work I do. I still try to go to the gym to lift 2-3 times a week, but oftentimes have to be dragged into there. I stick to about 70% of my 1RM and I managed to actually get stronger. During pregnancy you start producing a natural form of Nandrolone, so I'm excited for that.