jupiterm00n

[jupiterm00n]

June 12, 2018   5:11pm

So I have been getting better but every so often I have these days of exceeding emotions and hopeless depression. It happened a few days ago and I felt so hopeless and sad. I don’t know why it happens but I felt so alone. Restless too. I still want to run away from everything, the urge is getting greater and I just want something new for my life. Living at my parent’s place is killing me slowly and I really just want to get on with my life. I really miss school and living on my own. I do feel more stable now, but every day it’s still hard to do things I have to do. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me that I can’t even do a simple task like shower. It’s pathetic. 

I keep feeling so stuck in my life. I say that all the time, but it really is getting to me. I want to be comforted and cared for, but I also want freedom. I want to move out of this state, but I also think it would kill me to leave my friends behind. I want to work, but I don’t feel like I have the capabilities to do so, and I want to go back to school, but I need money and I want to get a job. I just don’t know what I want. Everything seems so black and white. 

I also keep just having the worst trauma nightmares. I don’t know why they’re coming back harder than ever after I was having okay dreams for a while, but every night I have dreams where I get raped again. My ex that broke up with me almost a year ago keeps appearing in my dreams and I want it to stop. part of me is worried that it means I’m not over the relationship, or that I’ll never be able to feel love like that ever again. I don’t want him back, but I honestly don’t know what I want. I want to feel strong love like that again maybe, and i’m terrified that it’ll never happen. I want the memories and his image out of my brain. And my boyfriend is great, but sometimes I feel like it’s all wrong, like we’re completely wrong for each other and those moments I want to run. Like he’s great, and we have a lot in common, but he doesn’t like psychology and he doesn’t really understand mental illness. Which is hard. He’s trying but still the other day when I was feeling bad and i texted him he offered for me to “go and find something to do” and when I said I didn’t know what to do, he started saying things like “well I don’t know how to help you” and “I guess you should just wallow in your sadness” and “what do you want me to do about it?” I’m sure he wasn’t being rude, but it came across that way to me when I was already sad, and i just wanted to be comforted and feel cared about. 

Besides that I’ve just been feeling really bored with my life. Like it’s great when I get to hang out with friends, but I’m not doing anything. But anyway, the punk kids I’ve been hanging around are really great and they’ve accepted me into their group so quickly and I love it. When I hang out with them I feel accepted, and I feel like I did in high school. Like the other day we all got shit housed and went on a walk and ended up finding shopping carts and running around an empty parking lot carrying people in the carts. It was nice. But each day I feel this nagging sense of dread when I have no plans to see people, I want to be social so badly so I’m not stuck in my thoughts but that can’t always happen. 

[jupiterm00n]

my issues with alcoholics anonymous and the 12 steps

To get things perfectly clear, addiction is a mental illness. Substance abuse disorders are classified in the DSM-5 (a book that classifies all the mental disorders recognized by the medical community.) Although the treatments for addictions are considerably different than the treatments for other mental disorders (I’m speaking inpatient facility wise such as rehabs and psychiatric hospitals.) I have been in both a psychiatric hospital and a rehab facility, and one of the biggest differences I noticed was that when treating my addiction in rehab, religion was scattered heavily throughout our treatment plans. Now I, and many others I was in rehab with, are not religious, and the heavy religious undertones in our treatment proved unhelpful and somewhat toxic.

Most of the religious aspects of rehab stemmed from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings (AA) and The 12 Step Program. To give some background, most rehab facilities preach the 12 steps and model teachings around the philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous and their book, sometimes referred to as “the big book.” Now, the 12 steps work for many people, and it’s been proven that it’s one of the most effective ways to become sober, but my argument is that it doesn’t work for some people. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings are centered around the 12 step program and frequently include readings from “The Big Book.” The Big Book was written from a mostly religious perspective, as does the 12 step program. The 12 steps are:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many other Anonymous organizations such as Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Cocaine Anonymous (CA) have altered the 12 step program to diminish the religious undertones, but AA seems to have stuck with the original God centered instructions. In my experience, having been to AA, NA, Life Ring, and CA meetings, it is clear that AA is dead set on the concept that God can save you.

If you haven’t noticed by now, I have a problem with Alcoholics Anonymous and just the 12 step program in general. In my experience, the environment of AA meetings were unhelpful and borderline toxic, and the fact that the 12 step program so heavily excretes religion is also inefficient and faulty for many non religious addicts and alcoholics.

Going to AA meetings was a strange time for me. Out of all the meetings I went to I noticed that AA had a crowd that was mostly older people who seemed to look down on the younger people, and that when many of them spoke, they spoke of God. All of the people from detox or rehab would sit together in the meetings. We obviously stood out, those of us detoxing were strung out and often times in pain, shaking from the withdrawals, and overall looking like shit. In the AA meetings, during the time when people would share their stories, many individuals would turn around in their chairs after their speeches to look at us and say things like “all of you new folks need to find God”, or “what always worked for me was praying”, or my personal favorite “when you get out of here, half of you will make it, and half of you will die from your addiction.” After every meeting we started to notice that the people in AA would often look down on the new people, or try and preach to us about how the only way out of this hell of an addiction is to pray and to find God. This obviously bothered many of my fellow rehab cohorts, and after meetings we would talk about how much we dreaded going to AA because more likely than not there would be about six or seven older people bragging about their collection of chips and the years of sobriety under their belt, preaching to us about God, and expounding their opinions of our own mortality. After every meeting, instead of feeling hopeful, many people expressed to me that they felt worse about their lives, that the meetings just filled them with more guilt, shame, and hopelessness (all things that addicts and alcoholics have too much of already.) Observing this I came to the conclusion that Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are good in theory, but often the overly spiritual connotations make the meeting feel like a church, thus alienating and ostracizing plenty of those who attend.

Besides the unhelpful environment of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I also believe that the 12 step program can also be harmful to many addicts and alcoholics. The 12 steps frequently mention God and finding a higher power, and are catered towards those with a religious mindset. While working the 12 steps, one is taught to “find a higher power.” Many rehab facilities preach this doctrine, and addicts and alcoholics are pushed to believe in something bigger than themselves to help ground them. A “higher power” doesn’t necessarily have to mean God, but what is one supposed to think when the 12 steps mentions the word “God” and when The Big Book has more similar qualities to a bible than to an instruction manual.

One could argue that this issue is so minuscule, and that non religious people could just ignore the religious aspects and move on, but it’s more complicated than that. Addicts and alcoholics are extremely vulnerable, and in a situation like rehab, people feel guilt, shame, and overall hopeless and often, many are willing to do anything to change their ways. This mindset is extremely dangerous, and preaching that the 12 step program is the best and only way to cure your addiction is harmful. It leads the already vulnerable and sometimes impressionable addict to do whatever it takes to get clean aka searching for a god they previously believed to be fictitious.

Preaching the existence of God to a non religious person will turn off any person, but it’s especially alienating and pointless when an addict is taught that the only way to get clean is to believe in God or a higher power, and then instructed to pray to them. The 12 steps can lead to a significant feeling of alienation and hopelessness in those who aren’t religious because typically, it’s impossible to force someone to believe in a god. This alienation can lead to the addict desperately trying to search for a higher power, truly believing that it’s the only thing that will cure their addiction, or it could lead to the addict becoming despondent and discouraged that they will ever get clean because of their inability to believe in a god. After observing my fellow addicts I noticed that several atheists and agnostics got hung up on the existence of God, because the 12 steps were the backbone of our treatment, it became practically impossible to consider that there could be other ways to get clean. Many of my friends in treatment became fixated on the idea of a higher power, and I admittedly did too. My friends and I often found ourselves racking our brains and philosophizing over what could be our higher power. It got to the point where sometimes the questions of “is there a god? Why can’t I find my higher power?” got in the way of focusing on getting clean.

Overall, I believe that Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 step program don’t work for everyone. Once again, the program is helpful and the steps are a good starting point for anyone who suffers from addiction, but preaching them as the only way to get clean is harmful for people who aren’t religious. Rehab facilities should focus more on the individual rather than the big picture. Not all addicts and alcoholics are the same, we are individuals. We have different personalities, and different ways we handled our addictions. Therefore, rehabilitation centers should treat patients from a more individualized approach by catering to what the addict needs treatment wise. The 12 steps and Alcoholics Anonymous are cookie cutter treatment plans that don’t work for everyone, and because all addicts and alcoholics are different, they should have the opportunity to find a treatment plan that works best for them.

[jupiterm00n]

June 5, 2018    5:18pm

So for some reason I’ve been overall feeling pretty good. There are still things nagging at me though that I have to fix or get through I guess. I don’t know. Right now I feel like I kind of have a handle on things overall, like I have a few solid groups of friends, I feel overall a bit better and am more able to get out of bed and shower and go out and do things, and I finally feel like I have people who actually care about me. But for some unknown reason I feel the slightest urge to run or self destruct. 

I have some good things going, but recently my friend has been begging me to move to LA with him and after mulling over the idea it seems like a lovely dream. I have my cousin in LA, and my friend who does the podcast “What’s ur Problem” lives there, and I feel like I need to do something drastic. This same friend also keeps telling me that I live a dull life. I’ve also been thinking about that a lot. I’m in my 20′s and I feel so stagnant. I need to change things, actually live. My friend says I have to start breaking some rules to actually live, so that I can get used to not being so uptight. He told me I should have an affair (I’m not going to do that, I really don’t need to ruin other people’s lives right now), but there is still that part of me that wants to self destruct. Imagining living in LA is such an exciting thought and it almost seems tangible. My mental health is getting better slowly, but I also would miss all of my friends from Denver, and I think that part of the reason why I feel so much better is because of my social life. I finally feel cared about and I see friends more regularly. I can’t just leave all of it. 

I’m also scared that there’s just something wrong with me. Even though I love my friends and I’ve been having a great time with them, I still feel like some sort of alien creature that can’t seem to fit in with normal humans. I feel like something is broken and so often I feel like an outsider, a sick freak, and I still worry constantly about how I speak and act, if people are judging me. I still try and mirror the people I’m around, adopt their traits so I can try and fit in, but it’s getting harder. I don’t know if that means that I’m actually starting to develop a personality, or if I’ve just been so socially isolated for so long that I can’t seem to get the hang of how to be a person with other people. 

I don’t know, I’m just rambling now, I just wanted to say that things feel pretty ok right now. I feel cared for, and even though I know this is all temporary, it feels kind of nice to just be casual. I’ve gotten closer to Mary, my friend from the podcast. And I’ve gotten introduced to like 3 new friend groups. My drinking situation is confusing, I still drink a good amount to be honest, but overall I consider it a normal amount for someone in their 20′s who’s considerably social. Sobriety is a confusing thing and I haven’t quite gotten used to the nights that I’m sober, but I’m working on it. Things are slowly coming together, I still have urges, urges to ruin and destroy, and sometimes I act on my urges, but at least I’m not burning every bridge. 

[jupiterm00n]

May 29, 2018    6:04pm

A lot has changed since I last wrote. It’s hard to describe. At the moment I feel pretty good. I don’t know how exactly to describe everything that’s changed in just this post, but things with my social life have changed as have things regarding how I just feel day to day. 

So I’ve made a bunch of new friends. I met a bunch of new people and have started hanging out with new people more. It’s been really nice. I’ve also started seeing people who I haven’t seen in a while, just reconnecting with people who I haven’t seen in a while. It’s been really nice. I feel more capable socially, less awkward and less self conscious that I’m acting wrong or saying something stupid. And many people are really kind even when I overshare, I’ve felt less shame and embarrassment. 

I’ve still been drinking, but I have been drinking less. Ever since I turned 21 I’ve been drinking less which is bizarre. I also started sober nights with some of my friends which has been a great way to stay in touch with friends and a good way to monitor my drinking. It’s been really nice, and it’s also helped me realize that I can socialize and be a normal functioning person even when I’m not drunk. I’ve made a bunch of good steps and I’m really proud of that. Overall I’ve been feeling pretty good. I’m able to get up in the morning and do things like a normal person. I don’t just lay around all day. Some days are harder than others and there are still some stretches of time where I will go a few days without showering, but I’m getting there. I don’t feel exactly happy, but there are days that have felt really nice. I have like 3 pretty new friend groups and that’s huge for me, plus some of my other friends I still keep in touch with, so socially I’m doing pretty well which has been really good for my mental health. I finally feel like I have people who care about me and want to spend time with me. It’s a good feeling. I’ve also started to take smaller risks socially and it’s been good to push myself a little every day to just get out of my rut a bit. 

I still don’t have a job, and the idea of getting one sends me into spiraling anxiety, but I am getting closer. I do need a routine and structure, but something about working just scares the shit out of me still. Less than it did, but still. I am making progress and i need to remember that. My parents don’t understand though. My therapist also told me that I should take a vacation away from Denver for a little bit. He says I’m under my controlling parent’s microscope all the time, and that it would be good for me to experience like a week away without parents just so I could figure out life for myself, just to start to learn what it’s like to be my own person and see my own potential without being dragged down and shit on by my family. I think it’s a good idea. And my friend Yasser wants me to go to LA with him. I would love to and the thought makes me really happy, maybe going to LA for a week or two with him and maybe my friend Vic. I could stay with my cousin who lives there and go visit my friend who does a podcast, Mary, and hang out with her. It’s a nice thought but it keeps me going a bit. 

Right now, life is tough but I’m more optimistic than I was a few months ago which is really nice. I hope it lasts. I’m going to try and write more regularly. 

[jupiterm00n]

I tell people what it’s like to experience what I have so they know. Maybe it’s so I hope that someone will reach out and say “hey me too” but I want people to know. To know. I want people to know what happens for the first time they panic or dissociate or whatever I want them to know that it’s not a freakish thing. And so many people go through it and I was so alone and I still am. I love the people who are so open about their mental shit. I love those people who will openly and casually talk about traumatic shit and make you feel normal about it. It’s the best feeling in the world. And I’ve always wanted to be someone like that. But I always come across as arrogant and self absorbed.!

[jupiterm00n]

March 16, 2018    7:45pm

I want to write but I just can’t. I feel like I have rocks in my stomach. The bad body image thoughts are coming back more again as well. I look at my thighs and want to scream, and I’m terrified to step on a scale because I can see so clearly that I weigh almost where I was before this fucking eating disorder even happened. I feel so fucking fat all the time and I just want it all to go away, but the thoughts keep coming and I’m back to thinking about food 24/7, which makes me hungry even when I’m not, which makes me want to eat all the time, which makes me want to kill myself. I just hate so so much how I look in the mirror, and I am so hyper aware of how my upper arms touch my ribs when my arms are at their sides, or how my thighs spill and flatten out when I sit on chairs. I keep looking at my face in the mirror, missing the hollow look I used to have. 

I miss the good feelings I would get when I skipped a meal, or when I would go to bed hungry, how I was in control. It was so easy to just not eat, because it made me happy to not eat, the control made me happy. And I think I’m slipping back into this need to control something in my life. For something to be proud of, something to feel good... The other day I came home feeling really shitty about myself and as a punishment I made a huge sandwich and ate all of it as fast as I could, then I proceeded to shove handfuls of crackers and pretzels and chips into my mouth. I made mac and cheese and ate that, I binged so much as a punishment. The day before I didn’t eat hardly anything and I went on a 2 mile walk (which is a lot for me since I’ve been so lazy recently). I’ve been counting calories again too, but I binged so so much because I wanted to hurt. 

I’m scared about the direction I’m going. I thought I was going 2 steps forward one step back, but recently it just seems like I’m completely stuck in the same place. I fucking burned myself last week really impulsively. It had been so many months since I’d hurt myself, but I wasn’t thinking, I just hurt. It reminded me of how I hurt last year. It scared me that I did that, that in that particular situation that I freaked out and automatically just hurt myself.  

[jupiterm00n]

February 15, 2017 6:02pm

Had a really good session with Brian, my replacement therapist, today. He described me like a vase. He told me that from what he learned about me from Lindsey and group is that I have this perfect outside like a vase. I’m good at school, a perfect student, I’m motivated and hardworking, but hollow. There’s nothing on the inside like no core identity. And through all of my experiences, and all of my intense emotions that feel like they’re ripping me apart, the vase has shattered. Vases are fragile and now we’re left with a pile of shards.

And my job is to put the shards back together, to reshape them into something less fragile, something less hollow, something with a core. And it will be painful and bloody, and it will be slow. I’ll have to put each piece back together and reshape it one by one into a new shape. It will be a long process. And at times I might want to just throw away all the pieces and give up and die. And he said that skills are like gloves that can help me from cutting my hands on the broken glass. Right now I’m using alcohol instead of skills, which numbs the pain but I’m still getting blood on the glass and I’m not putting the pieces together. It was a good session

He also told me he thought I did have some sort of core, I just can’t really see it. But that my good memories that keep me grounded are a part of who I am. And that was really nice to hear.

[jupiterm00n]

February 4, 2018    2:39pm

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’d like to say I’ve been way more productive but I haven’t really, but I guess some things have happened? Some good, some bad. I’ve still been drinking a lot, and it scares the shit out of me. I still don’t have an actual schedule and I’ve just been going through day by day just trying to make it through, drinking at night just to try and make all my emotions more manageable. Unhealthy coping mechanisms are creeping back up again and it’s been difficult to try and manage, but overall I have made some huge strides compared to where I was over the summer. 

I’ve been thinking to how I handled conflict with people over the summer and last year, how I could explode easily and how my emotions could be so unmanageable that I wouldn’t know how to express them at all with words and only behaviors that confused everyone around me, including myself. I remember how I would act in certain situations, how it was impossible to ask for something directly or even indirectly, so I would use strange behaviors hoping that someone would catch on to what I wanted or needed. They wouldn’t obviously, and I would get frustrated or upset, and emotions would bubble up and I wouldn’t be able to control how I acted. It caused so much suffering, and I think I’ve come a long way. I still have trouble asking for things, but now I’ve become so much more in tune with how I feel and how I act that I know how to handle situations better, and even though I desperately want to use behaviors to show what I want a lot of the time, I’ve been really trying to use my words more or to think through situations so that I don’t make things worse. I’ve also really gotten better at handling conflicts. When I’m upset or angry, I’ve also gotten a lot better at calming myself down and thinking rationally. It’s helped a lot. 

Also recently, I sent in a voicemail to my favorite podcast “what’s ur problem”, the woman who runs the podcast sent me a message back saying she really resonated with my voicemail and that she never reaches out to people, but that she was wondering if I wanted to become kind of penpals with her. I freaked out and got really excited, but she and I have been emailing and dm ing over twitter for a few weeks now and it makes me really happy. She’s super cool. She lives in LA and is a comedian. She’s friends with a bunch of super cool people including Tim Heidecker, and she actually told me recently that she showed Tim Heidecker my voicemail and he gave me some really good advice. But she’s really awesome and funny, and it’s been really nice to be able to talk to someone freely about what’s going on in my life without fear of judgement. Like a lot of the conflicts in my life involve people or tricky situations that I really find difficult to talk to people about, and it’s nice to be able to tell a stranger about them and to be able to laugh about all of it and relate to someone about shit. She and I have been talking about drinking and all the stupid decisions we’ve made, and just how our weeks have been going. It feels like I have another friend. 

Speaking of friends, it’s been difficult for me to find friends. Since my ex and I broke up over the summer I lost a good amount of my friends, and most of my high school friends and I hardly see each other anymore which has been really tough. Recently though, I hung out with one of my best high school friends Vic. She has been just calling me out of the blue really late at night, and she and I have gone on late night drives, smoking joints, drinking, and hanging out at her apartment, staying up all night... I’ve told her pretty much everything about my life that’s happened and I know she will never judge me for anything. She’s been so supportive and when I told her a lot of what happened this past year I just felt this huge weight lift off my chest. I told her about the difficult situations with my ex, the traumatic stuff earlier in the year, the other traumatic stuff with people who I thought were my friends, rehab, being raped, then being raped after rehab... I told her about how I feel about relationships and friendships and I felt so good and I love her so much. We’ve just been hanging out occasionally and I really love it. I feel so comfortable around her, and whenever we hang out we get into the most ridiculous situations, like we cleaned her apartment to be fumigated, and we cleaned our other friend’s mother’s bar.... But we’ve stayed up for like 36 hours at a time together, just talking. It’s wonderful. 

I’ve also started talking to my friend from rehab recently, he called me and I haven’t talked to him since we were discharged. He told me about how he’s been going through a rough time, drinking again about as much as he was before. I told him I was almost doing that too, and although it’s sad we both are doing that, we both agreed it’s nice to be able to talk to someone who can relate. Like it’s hard to talk to other people we went to rehab with who are doing so well in their recovery and tell them that we’re slipping up. It’s a lot of guilt and shame. Sometimes the guilt is almost as bad as the withdrawals. But he and I have talked on the phone almost every day for the past 2 weeks, and yesterday he told me he’s going to go stay with family who will put him in his place, and I’m happy for him, I hope it goes well for him.

Besides all of that, I was officially diagnosed with PTSD. My therapist, Lindsey, went on maternity leave and so I have her replacement therapist, Brian. He specializes in trauma therapy actually, and he said I have PTSD and wants to start doing trauma work. So I’m probably going to start trauma therapy, which I’m not super looking forward to, but I just want these thoughts to stop... I mean over time it’s gotten a little better. Every day I think about the rapes a bit less, but every once and a while it hits me like a train and I break down. I still freeze up and my boundaries are still all fucked up because of it. I just want my peace of mind back, I want to be able to go through my day without having to dwell on what happened. Wondering why they did that when they knew it wasn’t ok, wondering why I put myself in that position, wallowing in guilt, wondering what I could have done, hating these people, hating myself, wondering if it could be different, feeling conflicted because I really really really cared about both of these people and now they’ve made me almost hate them to the point that I cringe when I think of them most of the time. But still hating myself for fondly thinking of the good memories and wanting to still be their friend out of desperation for friendship and the connections I had with these people... So I’m going to do trauma therapy, because goddamn I need it, obviously, after even that whole free association rant I didn’t mean to go on, I need trauma therapy. Fuck those people for taking away my peace of mind. I need to get it back. 

I might write again later, but that’s it for now I guess.

[jupiterm00n]

December 15, 2017 3:43am

I feel so disposable. It feels like no one wants me around, my family, my friends, no one even calls or texts me. The only time I’m ever really in contact with people is if I bother them over and over again with calls.

And even when I do see people, they don’t want me around. I don’t know what I bring to anyone’s life because it seems like I only annoy people, upset them, or bore them. There’s nothing else I’m good for and I hate it. I wish I was different. I wish I was fucking normal.

I wish I was normal, smart, beautiful, quiet, gentle and kind. I wish I had a job and a place to live and a life. I wish I had friends and people who would call me and ask me to hang out, or people who would just text me back or text me “hey what’s up”

But I’m not any of those things. I’m a monster, and I’ve ruined everything. I always think I have friends and that people like me, but I don’t.

They always leave and I don’t know why.

I feel so worthless and disposable. It seems like as each day goes by people seem to dislike me more than ever and I don’t know what I did, like my mere presence seems to bore people or make them annoyed.

I keep having this possibly paranoid feeling that I always get when I know something bad will happen. I have few people left in my life but I can just tell that everyone slowly is inching even further away. And so then I look like a crazy person when I freak out and end up apologizing if I had said something, begging them to come back, panicking when I’ve noticed that none of my friends text me first, trying not to think I’m being ignored or completely abandoned when someone doesn’t respond. I’m not crazy. Because the pattern is always like this, and it hurts. And I can feel it happening.

And it hurts because I know I’m disposable. People have told me and shown me. I’m just another girl, you can find them anywhere, why would anyone ever want to spend time with one who makes everything shitty all the time? I’m disposable in so many fucking ways. As a friend I’m just that person who goes to people’s parties and doesn’t get invited to much else... as a fuck, I mean that’s the only thing I’m good for, and if don’t want to fuck them then they don’t want to deal with me anymore. I’m worthless.

And I’m always afraid everyone is upset with me or honestly dislikes me if they ignore me. And I’ve felt like such garbage and so fucking alone. I AM SO FUCKING ALONE

[jupiterm00n]

November 22, 2017     4:13am

I’ve completely fucked up my life. everything seems like such a mess. I’ve been such a terrible person. Whenever I’m sober I think of how poorly I’ve treated people, all the mistakes I’ve made. All the shit I’ve caused. And when I’m drunk I still think about it but it’s like the implications of all the shit is less, and I can be drunk and feel guilt and shame but it’s all lessened by alcohol. Addict mindset maybe. Probably. In rehab I kept having the best dreams, but they would always end like a nightmare. I would either get raped or I would end up relapsing and making an idiot out of myself and feel terrible about forsaking whatever progress I had made with my friends in rehab. I still have dreams where I’m back in rehab and then I relapse while I’m in rehab and it’s the worst fucking thing. All the shame and guilt. Now that i’ve been drinking again I don’t know what to do. My friend, paul, from rehab, he’s so so wonderful. He knows I’ve relapsed twice at least, he probably knows how I’ve been now, because he's also an alcoholic and an addict. he knows what it means if someone doesn’t answer calls... But I’m going to a thanksgiving dinner at his sober living house and I’m so fucking scared. I’ll have to get dressed up and look nice, which I haven’t done in so long. I’ll have to be around sober people. Looking at all of them, knowing that I’ve been drinking almost every night again, back to the same old habits. And I’ll have to look at him. This wonderful friend who cares about me, and I’ll have to tell him that I’ve relapsed a lot. He probably already knows, but it’s one thing to figure it out and to assume than to actually hear the words come out of someone’s mouth. I love him so much, and I’m so scared that I’ll lose him as a friend because of my drinking. 

I’m scared I’m slipping again. I’ve drank a good amount tonight and last night, and it’s nowhere near where I was before, but I’ve still drank way way more than most people in the past week. I feel like such a failure. I’ve fucked up so much. In so many ways. I feel like such a degenerate fuck up. I am. I am a fuck up. I’ve ruined so much. I hate myself. I hate the person I am and I don’t even know who I am, it’s like I don’t have a personality at all. But I still hate who I’ve become. Whatever I am now, I hate it. I want to fix it and I have no idea how to do that. I’m a fuck up and that’s all it is. 

[jupiterm00n]

November 6, 2017    12:14am

I know I’ve been slacking on writing. I had so much hope for when I got out of rehab. I was excited to actually have energy to do things. To move out, to get an apartment and be mentally healthy enough to live on my own. I was excited to have enough energy and courage to look for jobs and have a schedule and meet new people, and even if I hated my job, it would be better than living at my parent’s place. But nope. The first two days I got back from rehab were ok... I stayed at my parent’s since they were out of town. I was excited to go to AA meetings, hang out with my old friends, hang out with my sober friends, and start looking for jobs and ways to stay busy... but all of that kinda fell through. 

Instead I got into a similar cycle I was in before I left... I knew it would be rough adjusting to the real world without drinking every night, but I thought it would be ok. I’d be busy, I’d be going out with friends to meetings and I’d manage. But the second night my brother had a bunch of friends over for a party and they all brought alcohol. I didn’t drink but was upset the whole night. Each night seems to get worse and worse. I feel like I have no idea how to talk to people, even my closest friends. It’s like when I’m sober the only things I can think about are what I should be doing, what i have to be doing, how much I’m fucking up, and other self deprecating thoughts that I can’t seem to control. Drinking always fixed that, and when I drank I was able to actually become interesting to other people and talk to them. But now when I hang out with people sober, nothing seems to interest me. Every thought that goes through my brain seems so boring and stupid, and it seems unnecessary to even say out loud. I feel like a waste of space. I have no idea how to talk to people, how to connect to them. Even my best friends. 

I’ve had really really great conversations with all my friends sober and drunk before, but within the past 3 ish years hardly any of my friends have seen me sober. So I would have no idea how to start those good conversations up again unless the filters I always have up when I’m sober are gone. I can’t disclose any information about my life to someone if i’m sober, I can’t make a joke if i’m sober, I’m just completely useless it feels like. And it’s hard. 

And I did relapse. A few times actually. I am ashamed about it. I feel really stupid about it, but I feel more stupid about how one night I got so blackout drunk I don’t remember anything and my best friend had to explain to me everything stupid I did. I was at my parent’s house and was a fucking disaster. I acted like a confusing fucked up monster. because, surprise surprise, halie cannot drink 3+ water glasses full of vodka after being sober for 21 days. Plus, the longest I’ve ever been sober since then in 5 years (since I started drinking) was probably 4 days) so I feel extra stupid, extra embarrassed, extra ashamed, and i feel like a terrible person. I don’t remember anything after downing the vodka really, but from what my friend told me, it was really bad. I was confusing, I was belligerent, I was forgetful, I was forceful, I was not making any sense, I was mean... I don’t even know what else really happened. I only got bits and pieces but those bits and pieces have been rattling around in my brain and I feel so fucking terrible. I feel like a childish monster. Just thinking about some of the things he told me makes me really want to go do fucking psychoanalysis because my unconscious mind is fucked up and I don’t know why. 

But it’s actually been really really god awful since I’ve been back. That night, I woke up my brother and my mother. I don’t know what they heard or saw, but it couldn’t have been good. That thought also keeps haunting me, what the fuck did they hear or see me do... But now I’m basically on low-key house arrest? They don’t want me to leave the house, but it’s so bad being here. They just yell at me about how I’m wasting all their money, how I’m even worse now that I’ve gotten back from the hospital, how I never should have gone, how it was rude of me not to tell them I was going to rehab... How it’s fucked up that I’m so out of control that I have a substance abuse problem on top of everything else, and how I can’t take care of myself. It’s terrible here. Every day just being here makes me want to die. I don’t know. I just can’t stop crying and wishing that everything was different. wishing that I didn’t fuck up so much, wishing that I could redo every mistake. Wishing I hung out with people who hadn’t hurt me in the past, and wishing that I hadn’t drank to cope, wishing that my relationship had been good the whole time it went on for, and not all messy and toxic. wishing that I didn’t fuck up and feel so guilty, or that I at least could tell what I should and shouldn’t feel guilty about. I wish I could change things and make amends that actually meant something to people. I wish people would apologize to me, or at least understand my point of view. I wish people would listen to me. I wish I could stop fucking up. 

I wish I could change everything that happened from january to now. I wish I could change it all and tell myself that people who do bad things aren’t your friends, and that i will lose everyone else if i still have the mindset that they’re my friends.

i’m so scared. I’m so sad.  

[jupiterm00n]

Trying to not drink for a bit is going to be the worst thing in the world, but I get to hang out with my friend I met in detox tomorrow, he’s in a sober living place downtown now and he has nothing to do tomorrow. He’s also not familiar with Denver so I’m going to show him all the cool places to go, and I’m actually really excited. He’s been really supportive and really nice and he told me that we both have to show the world we’re still as fucked up and we’re still nutcases even though we’re sober.

I’m actually really glad I went to rehab. I mean odds are I’m going to relapse, and odds are I’ll drink again, but I never want to go back to where I was before. And I’m so grateful for all the friends I made and all the wonderful people I met. I’m really excited to go to meetings with my alcoholic and addict pals, and I don’t know it was really really kind of comforting meeting people I could connect with and open up to about substance abuse. I learned a lot about myself and I met so so many people who I connected to. And there were people in there who no one would expect, like there was a cop, a lawyer, business men, teachers… and they were all so wonderful. I made so many friends.

A few people said that I could live with them even. They said that if I ever need a place to stay, I can always call. And they all hugged me when I left and I got all their numbers and everyone said if I ever need anything that they would be there no matter what. It was so nice.

I’m excited to see my friend tomorrow though, and I’m excited that my other 2 best friends i made in there get out on Friday, and one of them has a car and he offered to drive us to meetings. Plus we all want to go to the cocaine anonymous meeting “dark side of the spoon” and then go to the kava bar on colfax.

Idk sobriety is hard and I don’t know how long I’ll last without drinking, I got stoned last night to stop the drinking cravings, and I’m taking acamprosate to stop the cravings but who knows. I’ll just take it one day at a time and hope for the best.

[jupiterm00n]

October 2, 2017    3:34am

i wish no one knew anything about me. I wish I could disappear. 

I’m a fuck up. I want to leave and I want to escape. i’m done. I wish i could write. but everything that has happened over the past year and a half has sucked something out of me and i don't know what it is but i feel completely hollow. completely empty and useless.   

[jupiterm00n]

September 25, 2017 5:38am

I'm so close to cutting out my stomach. I'm not fucking around this time. I want it gone. I can't feel anything anyway. It's perfect. I'm so tired I'm so tired so tired I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm so tired. I think I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I'm going to fucking cut out my stomach I'm going to fucking do it I want To do it I can't stop thinking about it Cutting it out just getting rid of it completely The whole thing. Throwing it out. The whole thing. Fuck. I'm A wreck I'm scared as shit and I want to cut out my stomach more than anything right now ha ha

[jupiterm00n]

5:41am

I want to starve 70 is what I want to be it'll probably kill me Everytime I don't eat I Kat take way too many diet pills now just to try and compensate. But no matter what, I'm still fat. And now I just have massive heart palpitations all the time so I can't do anything but lay around. And I'm still fucking fat. It's nauseating. I see myself and want to vomit. So much fucked up shit has happened this year and it's fucking awesome that my coping mechanism is to binge and then starve. I'm not small anymore. I'm a bulbous monstrous destructive creature. I'm fucking disgusting I'm hideous. Nothing about me is good. No one can ever convince me otherwise. It's like everyone is lying or everyone has different motives. I'm a fucking leper that infects everyone. Whether they like it or not, I should be eliminated from the places where I'm able to hurt or even remotely affect those I love and care about. I always fuck it up. My entire existence is a problem, I cause issues when I try to fix what I've already fucked up, I mess up when I'm trying to be empathetic when I'm not even involved, I'm a fucking monster. I'm a horrible monstrosity. I will always always be too much. Too much of anything is how people describe me. I overdo everything. I tried being quiet and shutting up for like 16 years and still was too much to deal with. Still got beat up. I'm useless. I don't belong here. I honestly don't believe that I belong here. I love this place and I love too strongly and I love my friends and would die for any of them, and i want to live to see the sunrise and the stars and to have weird fucking stories. But it hurts. It hurts so fucking badly. And I'm alone. And I know people don't really really care. I know they'll never care how I care. But they don't ever think about me. I'm a passing thought, and not a good passing thought. At best, I'm the passing thought that's like "oh halie, yeah, I hope she's getting her like together , because she's a fucking mess." I know what people think about me. I know what people say. I know what google says when you look up borderline personality disorder. Many synonyms to manipulative, promiscuous, lying, cunt, Satan, psycho... Whatever No one will ever believe me. What I have to say.

[jupiterm00n]

My weakness causes damage

[jupiterm00n]

3:37am

It's fucked I made a blog about all of my ed shit. And people constantly asked me questions about how I got to be 82 lbs. and I stopped going on it because I always answered the questions saying I'm not gonna recommend doing what I did because it's fucking destroyed my life. I've been trying to not look at that blog at all. It's all bones and there are probably pictures of me floating around the internet of me at my lowest weight that I posted on there when I was drunk and stupid. Fuck. I know this one picture has a ton of notes and I don't want to be that person who gets posted on pro ana pages. Fuck. Fuck no. Fuck no. No it was supposed to be a stupid ed diary. And then I posted 1 or 2 pictures and they're everywhere now? Idk what's worse. The fact that my body is somewhere reblogged over 10,000 times, or the fact that I'm ashamed that I don't look like I did when I was 80lbs Shame all around I guess