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I’m not the mom friend, I’m the dad friend: tries to take care of his friends but is too distant and emotionally clumsy to be any good at it
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When your depression sees you having fun
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how to go on tour with fall out boy
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someone: *offers perfectly reasonable advice that would go a long way to solving my problems*
me:

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there are people you haven’t met yet who will love you
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when you see something and your heart sinks and youre just like oh ok then
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Blowjob? or handjob?
full time job with health care benefits
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Imagine if your follower count turned into money
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morning sex is the best sex because you can’t hide behind anything. your hair probably looks like shit, your makeup is smeared, morning breath, I’m sure you drooled at some point in the night….. but someone still wants to kiss your lips and in between your thighs and touch your unshowered, no longer freshly shaven skin. like, if you can be comfortable enough with someone to let them do that, then that’s way cool and that’s why morning sex is the best
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being in a public restroom and hearing someone shitting really loud

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Taco Bell has pepsi thooooo
why the fuck do people always remind you that taco bell isn’t real mexican food like do you not think that i know that like do you think i go to taco bell because i think the 16 year old white guy behind the window just made me authentic mexican cuisine two minutes before i pulled to the second window no do you know why i go to taco bell it’s because it’s 1:30am and my life is terrible so i order a coke and five dorito loco tacos and shove them down my face in the parking lot
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