justakidwhodidntmakeit - Tumblr blog

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

if i had a heart i wouldn't wear it on my fucking sleeve

maybe i’ll never invest real love into you: it never works out for more than a few months, but i appreciate the stability of our cycle, a predictable wreck i can brace myself for.

my heart eyes gravitate towards the band of your underwear. yours try to burrow into my chest / my mind you’ll come up empty-handed every fucking time, until you can accept what you find

i am that asshole. i am that pervert. some people deal with it, some like it, some ignore it. you play along when it suits you and retch in disgust when it doesn't

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

rotkäppchen

not that it's my intention, but i am using you, and probably always have been.

i really do have no desire to face any of my emotions save for lust.

i don't know how to want you for more than the taste of your georgia peach and nectarine.

where's my remorse for being the big bad wolf preying on a beautiful little girl?

i'm just a shallow caricature of the one who's meant to be taking care of you. where's the one meant to sweep you off your feet? cut me open, fill me up, leave me to drown. you never deserved any of this, though i suppose you'd be just as miserable either way.

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

we never leave the collision course, we just ignore it

over and over. an encore after being booed offstage. the fireworks didn't go off too soon necessarily. they're just beautiful and brief, leaving nothing but smoke and shattered glass. and then we do it all over again year after year. i don't get sick of the smell of burning, or the way it clings to my clothing.

we’re a love letter torn and taped back together. words crossed out and rewritten a thousand times, sealed with a kiss. you make me better; you make me worse. constantly saving or destroying each other (but i think we both know it’s always been both)

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

be devoured by (something)

sink my fingers into you. pull you apart. 

sweet nectar dribbles down my chin (i don't care).

teeth breaking skin with ease. vulnerable. marked. 

swallow and look up.

i'm stained deep red, by virtue of my own mouth.

it's covering me like shame might've in the past. 

before the taste of heaven i'd gone without.

my hunger sated.

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

i think my vitreous floaters are guardian angels

they're not very good at it.

they're small, and as such, 

i can't expect much of them.

what matters is that they've never left me—

even when my loves, my mother—

everyone else has.

i always watch them, 

even when they're not comfortable being seen.

they know i need them to make themselves known,

as to not feel alone.

for staying, 

i thank them at the flashes of neon in my periphery, 

and i thank them at the constant filter of tv static.

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

merle

I say I want her to break my nose, straddle me, beat me to a pulp. What I usually mean is take care of me. Soft fingers, perfect nails- Party Cake or Winnie the Pooh or something- brushing up against my face. To be cradled and swaddled. Inside I preach about her perfection, even though where she lives in me is imperiled, and has been all along. She's seen me at my worst, but I don't know about most vulnerable. Not truly anyway, just what I send out into the world to be perceived right. Nevertheless, she stays.

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

the lil kinz seal i got as an early birthday gift

i hate it.

they said "happy belated birthday!" as they gave me him. good intentions from a kind person- but mistaken.

yet i see it and know- think rather- that is a harp seal. i move the fur from above its eyes to check. i am right. i think i am anyway.

i wonder whether to return it or bury it with my other stuffies or fucking stab it to death. i carry knives with me, not so i'll never get hurt. but so next time i'll be prepared to make them feel the pain i do.

i inspect the webkinz logo and find myself on the webkinz fandom wiki anyway. i miss the game and i miss the facets of my childhood that didn't cause me to act like this.

he would've loved it more than anything. i don't even know when i put on his playlist for me. i expected it to be taken down by now. i made a copy of it after he left. just in case.

he seemed to wipe me from his life so easily, yet all i can think about when i look at this poor pathetic tiny seal is him. i mean, to get rid of your ao3, artfight, discord, dreamwidth, spacehey, toyhouse, and tumblrs (three of them) just to free yourself of me? i hope it fucking worked.

i don't want to hate it. but it's hard not to. i broke down and cried for almost an hour after i got it. it's a stupid thing to get this upset over. it's on the floor, not worthy of the company of mr. snuggles and maria and rawry. it reminds me of someone i gave everything to. hurt the ones you love. love the ones you hurt. i almost committed criminal harassment when he left. i'm not sure i was angry enough for 10 years of prison though. nothing says i love you like a…

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

i'm only wet from her tears, not her lips.

i thought about picking the violets i saw yesterday. i was too afraid (of what? i don't know. if i walked by them again i'd do the same). there are singed holes in my skin every place she's touched me. i wish her fingers would find them to pull me closer- and then shove me up against the dining room table. 

you need to bare yourself (the safest kind of dangerous) before you can turn over and see her glittering in the warm sunlight at 6:something am. eyeliner smudged at the edges. maybe i'm not this much to her; it doesn't matter. my love is ugly and messy and unholy and mine.

and i will forever fall in love with the unattainable.

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

a stray dog sick (please let me out)

it was intimate to live under your skin while it lasted- but i love like a dog. fierce, i guess. you can call it that.

it's more like being found in a disintegrating cardboard box on the side of the road and for whatever fucked up reason not being left to die.

succumbing.

forcibly lovemelovemeloveme no matter how much i bite and claw and howl.

muzzle me. euthanize me. rip my cuspids out of my mouth. i "deserve this", we both say. the food; the collar. the bed; the cage. the bone; the leash.

i'm yours now, aren't you happy? i love you forever. i'll never leave you. you'll never leave me? aren't you happy with me? i love you?

all until i'm right back where we started (waiting)

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

there's no phonaesthetics or sound symbolism or metre 

i'd give anything to have 661 be 662. i didn't need... i don't know. i just needed it to be less abrupt maybe. a little less slipping in a puddle of your? my? our? blood and passing out, only to wake up without a fucking life. rip me open so i can sew myself shut. just... skip out on the life story. it won't matter soon

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

the king midas of fuckups

i pollute everything i touch- can't just keep my hands to myself. at least king midas got something out of it. everyone who's said i was bad news was right. it's hard to be mad at the truth. i don't understand why you wouldn't listen to any of it when i prove time and time again i am every 11:11 you watch turn to 11:12. i'm that wild animal under your porch who skitters away the second you try to give it a crumb, only to come back the next morning all teary eyed and pathetic. you don't have the heart to kick it to the curb; to call animal control, even though it would be best for everyone.

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

"it's about the journey" you say, "not the destination"

like it changes the broken glass strewn across the road, or the grey smoke and sickly smell of burning gasoline. i read once that it's the most dangerous, worse than coolant or oil. something's about to blow up. none of this is even about you, i just don't know who to get mad at anymore. i wish i could disappear- what's left for me to return to anymore? be wiped from everyone's memory. maybe see my guts splayed out across the dashboard one time before i go. factory to junkyard. cradle to casket.  

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

green glass / red blood (kiss her kiss her)

yeah? yeah. it's what happens when you start to forget about that ghost that's lingered your whole life. so used to it that it's not even there. put your cigarettes out on my tummy, thighs, wherever. burning red like the touch of your fingers from my neck to my hips (and everywhere in between). cuts to bruises to burns to scratches. unspayed puppy dolled up in lambskin. i want the best for you. really. and i want to crawl under your skin and into your ribcage, make myself at home. won't forget me! take a sharpener blade to your heart- my own spin on bloodletting. clean out everything impurecorruptpollutedtainted except me. because that's all we need. me and you, tied together by aerial silk.

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

some day the stars'll lose their shine and i won't be able to stand looking at the sky

i think they might've already. i wouldn't know.

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

a calendar with stuck together pages

sometimes i want to hate you but i can never bring myself to. it wouldn't be fair anyway- are you to blame for being perfect? how absurd. of course not. there's no reason to sabotage us, and that's what's so frustrating, maybe. not like i'm good at that either way (how do you manage to be a failure at messing up?). i'm always mercurial and always missing old versions of everyone i love(d). i'm lucky to even come across your mind but it's not enough. i need you to hate my guts as much as i try to hate yours. the torture of small talk with someone you used to love is nothing compared to it with someone who you still love (and is supposed to love you back). it's like leaning in with my lips parted- waiting for a kiss or a broken jaw- and getting neither.

ps. i'll flip this whole thing around to idolize you once you do hate me.

[justakidwhodidntmakeit]

i would die for you i would kill for you i am an attack dog curled up at your feet sitting. staying. begging for a shred of love no matter how sparse