justjrb

[justjrb]

Here is a picture of me in 2023 on my birthday.

[justjrb]

love him

just jungkook casually doing a live of him laying in his bed 😳💀😂

[justjrb]

just jungkook casually doing a live of him laying in his bed 😳💀😂

[justjrb]

[justjrb]

I’m OBSESSED with this part. Really, I freaking LOVE IT!!!!

[justjrb]

get it, let it roll !

[justjrb]

BTS - BUTTER

[justjrb]

Hip surgery Sept 2020

If anyone knows me you know that I have a huge phobia of any sort of medical related topic so to get surgery is a huge deal for me. But my right hip has been an issue of pain and discomfort for over 2 years now and life has been so difficult. I tried lots of things, PT, acupuncture, massage therapy, yoga...Earlier this year I got a cortisone shot and it made a difference but wore out around April/May. Then I was just in even more pain and discomfort and ready to just quit my zoo keeping job, but with the pandemic probably not the best idea to just quit. I saw an orthopedic surgeon and he said I'd be a good candidate for hip arthroscopy. That I had 3 things that needed to be fixed, mainly a hip impingement (basically an overhang of the bone over the hip joint) and they could shave it down...I also had a  labral tear in the joint and an edema in the iliopsoas (basically swelling in my hip muscles). One or all of these things could be what was causing me so much pain and discomfort. I could barely bend, walk up a hill/stairs, etc. Just everything was so difficult. 

After getting some opinions and really thinking it through, I went ahead and opted to do the surgery. Got it scheduled for September 1st. Recovery time is around 3 to 6 months so got that all sorted out with work to be able to go out on disability. 

The days closing in on the surgery were giving me anxiety. Each day I felt more and more nervous but it was also mixed with excitement because I knew it meant that further down the line my hip would improve and I’d feel so much better.

Knowing I freak out all the time just giving blood I asked for and got prescribed some anti-anxiety meds. On the Monday before I was watching a video explaining the anesthesia and I just got so freaked out and started to cry. I don’t even know what it is. Maybe lack of control of the situation. Fear of not waking up or not being able to breath. I do have a lot of asthma issues, especially with the fires going on in California. 

Well the night of I did as instructed, stopped eating by midnight. Showered, wiped down with the antiseptic wipes, put on clean clothes kept in clean sheets (kept the cat out so I wouldn’t get cat hair all over me). Woke up at 5am to drink the clearfast enhanced recovery drink they wanted to me to drink (sort of like gatorade). They wanted me to be there at 7:15a. The other thing that made me so nervous was Alex couldn’t go in with me or stay with me because of the pandemic. So I started with half of an ativan and we got to the hospital and then I started to cry again. Freaking out already, took another half of the ativan and then said goodbye. Got to admitting and checked myself in. There was one other lady already in there ready to go and then shortly after me came this other woman and her husband, they told her her husband couldn’t be in the office so he waited outside the door. (I’ll get to her later). To keep my mind at ease I listened to some music in the waiting room and then it was time to go.

They took me and the 1st lady to this room with beds and curtains. I just kept thinking about all the doctor shows I’ve watched as my only reference to what it was like to be in for a procedure. I felt a bit calmer than I would have been so I’m glad I had taken those anxiety meds. They me change out of my clothes and put on a medical gown and get into one of the beds. I had a nice nurse come help me and I told her how I have a phobia of all this stuff so I did take some anti-anxiety meds.  She had another nurse come with her as she went through all the questions they ask (It seemed like the 2nd nurse was in training). They saw I wrote zookeeper as my profession and everyone thought that was so cool. I think I joked about how they get to operate on a zoo keeper or something. She asked me how I injured myself and I told her it could be a few things...how doc said the impingement is kind of just from how was born but that I also have such a labor intensive job that there is a lot of overuse, plus it didn’t help that I had fallen a few times on the same side during the same time period. I told her I fell taken care of the bison at the golden gate park and then she told a few people after that how cool it was that I take care of the “buffalo”. It helped to talk about my profession, kept my mind off of why I was even there. I kept my humor about me and made them laugh a bit. They hooked me up to an IV which I always get super lightheaded and feel like I’m going to faint when they do it. Not my favorite thing. 

Then when the nurse was done asking me questions, another lady who came to talk to me, the one who would be doing the anesthesia. She talked pretty  quickly but asked me questions..I told her I had asthma  so she got me inhaler, I told her I took the ativan to calm me down and she said she’d give me something else before we went into the operating room but she had to wait for the doc to talk to me. She seemed super friendly so I felt comfortable. I told her I had been given morphine once when I went to the ER for pain and I did not like the way it affected me because it made my blood pressure drop real low and I got real cold and the nurse at the time had to warm me back up. It was not pleasant. 

Then the doc came by and he asked me why I was there (standard procedure), if I had any questions and he wrote his initials on my leg. He joked and said “you’re much calmer than your email to me” and I said “It’s the ativan I took!” and I remember everyone laughing and then when he left the anesthesiologist gave me the other calming drug through the IV and she said okay this is like ativan but works faster..then they wheeled me to the operating room at about 9am or so. Then things got more blurry but I remember being in the room and it was busy and I was more calm thanks to the drugs but I had also talked to my therapist and she told me to just go in there and go with the flow and be curious about the whole thing and so I did. And so I just remember seeing everyone getting prepared and them having me go from the bed to the table and then the mask on my face and then it was lights out.

I don’t think I dreamed. I felt like 2 seconds had gone by but it had been more like 3 hours. I remember waking up and screaming out. I remember saying “ow..I’m in so much pain!” and being barely aware of what was going on and the nurses said you’re blood pressure dropped..you’re oxygen is low...so they shoved the oxygen tube in my nose and I remember saying “I told you!” when they told me how low my blood pressure was. Then a nurse telling me to sleep it is the best medicine..and they gave me a pill (oxycodone) and then I was asleep but not all the way asleep. It got noisy at some point and it was the 3rd lady who had gotten to the admitting room. She had just gotten out of her procedure. I think she had work done to her knee. I kind of felt bad for her but she was just so miserable and yelling at everyone about how she was a fibromyalgia patient and she had chronic pain and how she demanded to get PT right away and she just wouldn’t stop talking. And I woke up and the nurse asked how I was doing and I said better. They asked about my pain and I was still not all the way with it but I think I said it felt like my normal pain level around a 5 so they took me out of recovery and into the 1st room I started with but I also felt nauseous so they put a patch behind my ear. And since the noisy lady was in the recovery room, the room I was now in was quiet and I think I even said to the nurse how it was nice and quiet now. And then I fell asleep again. Only to wake up sometime soon to the nagging lady who was suffering but also being very rude to the nurses. She some how managed to let them allow her husband in there with her and finally got her PT person. I remember at one point the therapist was getting her to walk on the walker and she stopped and yelled at her husband to bring her her cane. The therapist told her she shouldn’t have too many things in her hand but she demanded it was different for someone with chronic pain and that she didn’t understand..I really just wanted to get out of there but I was still pretty nauseous. I had a male nurse by this point and time and he said Alex was there and if I was ready. I thought I was ready so he gave me my clothes and told I could get dressed and if I needed help he could get a female nurse. So he left and closed the curtains and I tried to get dressed but I could barely move my leg. I got my bra on..and I just thought...this is impossible. So called out for help and popped open the curtain...by this time that other lady was in tears with whatever she was going on about..

Then the male nurse came back and said he couldn’t get a female nurse and if I was okay with him helping. I was straight up like “I don’t care I just can’t do it myself.” I thought it was amusing but I guess he was being polite. Anyway he helped me get dressed and then I went to go in the wheel chair but man was I dizzy. And so thirsty. I asked for something to drink but I as also so nauseous so they didn’t want me to have anything in case I would puke..they thought I was going to puke and they gave me a pan but I just needed something to drink. So he eventually gave me some juice and I felt better.I just sat in the wheel chair for a bit and told Alex to wait a bit because I still felt sick. Then I honestly just couldn’t take the lady in there any more..and so I said I was ready to go. This other guy...I just remember his name being Roy, wheeled me out to meet Alex and now the challenge of getting me in the car which was lower than the curb. Man when they picked me up, I just remember screaming so loud and a person sitting on a bench just starring at me. It just so much. 

We got home close to 4p or so and now the challenge was getting out of the car, which was easier than getting in, and walking to down the sidewalk and up the stairs. I was hardly with it for this whole thing. We had some neighbors sitting outside in their usual smoking spot, Nikki and Erin (Erin and the property manager). They knew I was getting surgery and I had Alex pull the car up to the sidewalk. They came over and realized I had just gotten back. They helped Alex get me down the sidewalk and Nikki practically carried me up the stairs with Alex behind her and into my bed. Later she brought a nice little care package which was super sweet of her. It is nice to be a part of a little community. 

That night I did not sleep well. Kept waking up every 2 hrs. Needed Alex to help move my legs to get off the bed and back on the bed. Poor Alex also didn’t get any sleep but he is such a good sport. I had a rough first 2 days. Experienced a nose bleed which always freaks me out but my circulation was poor and my blood pressure was low so I kept getting the chills and I would shake so much it would make my muscles twitch and that was very painful. I guess when I stood up blood would rush to my feet and my foot turned reddish purple and I panicked. All of this stuff made feel so terrible. I was able to speak to the doctor and he reassured me that everything was normal, even the intense pain I was experiencing ( I have been taking pain meds). 

The 2nd night I slept a little better, chose to sleep on the couch as it isn’t as soft and was more comfortable and I had more movement with my leg, still needed a bit of help from Alex though getting up and down but I only woke up about 2 times the 2nd night. Both times with the shivers. Around 4:40am I took another oxy and fell asleep. I woke up sweating like crazy. But after that I actually felt better. I don’t think I had a fever but it did seem like my body had broke free of whatever it was trying to fight off. I woke up on the 3rd day feeling much better than the previous day and I was able to actually get up and down with out Alex’s help. This was also the day I could take the bandages off which I was terrified to do because one they covered my whole thigh and I knew it would hurt and 2 I did not want to see the incisions and the blood. So Alex helped me get them off. And I went to my happy place x.x

Once they were off it meant I could shower. Alex got me a chair for the shower and we have a detachable shower head so the challenge was just getting in the shower. But with Alex’s help we did it! Felt fresh and clean.

That night I didn’t sleep as well again but didn’t have the chills. So that is a plus. And today, day 4, I didn’t need Alex at all to help me get off the couch or back on. So each day is better and better and hopefully within the next week the pain level will become less and less as expected. My first PT appointment is next Friday and I see the doc the following Monday (the 14th).

It’s been a rough go but I’m keeping my brave face on and keeping my eye on the prize.

[justjrb]

#pineapples #apocalypse2020

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courage by JULIANNA BROWN

Courage can be defined as having the strength to over come fear.

I define it as she. 

Trapped in darkness once but now she sees, the light within her soul.

She embraces it.

Shining though her smile, it is guidance for our fears.

You are courage, you are strength

You are she.  

[justjrb]

And then I met a man called the Doctor. A man who could change his face. And he took me away from home in his magical machine. He showed me the whole of time and space. I thought it would never end.

[justjrb]

Women's march on Washington: San Francsico by JULIANNA BROWN Via Flickr: Jan 21, 2017

I don't usually go out for political protests, but this event was different. In a time where there is so much uncertainty, fear, and a country that seems so divided, I felt the need to experience the Women's March in San Francisco. I had to work so I did not get to participate much, but the small bit I did experience blew me away. I got off the BART and was already engulfed in the energy of the night. I walked up the stairs and on to Market street, and a crowd of people, not just women, but a crowd of diversity, moved towards me and I got chills.

I needed to experience this. I have been fearful lately. I know I live in a country where we have many more privileges than others and we are safe here because we can march on the main streets of a busy downtown city, but there are so many in this country who suffer even with those “privileges”, and it is they whom I fear for. This movement was a way to bring us all together so we can make a statement. A very large statement. That we will not stand for this any longer.

Next to this I have been in fear because of the uncertainty. We do not know what to expect from the man who has been chosen to run the country. He has a lot of promises and many of them seem to be against the current of change that many of us fight for. 

And above all, I fear for the direction we are going in the fight against climate change and our fight towards conservation. Ever since humans have walked this earth the environment and the creatures among it have suffered. It is my number one concern.  

But the night of the march, I felt hope. I felt comforted. That there are many people out there who feel the way I feel, though it does not seem like it at times. And looking at how many people marched, and in so many places, not just in the US, brought me hope. That the majority of us want to have change for the better and that we can unite and overcome, and be the resistance. 

[justjrb]

Warehouse fire, Fruitvale by JULIANNA BROWN Via Flickr: On the way home we saw smoke and flames. Being photojournalists at heart, Alex and I went to check it out. At the time, we did not know the extent of the disaster. The next morning we learned an electronic house party went up in flames and many people lost their lives and are still unaccounted for. I have connections to people who knew people are among the missing. I fear for the worst and hope for the best and my prayers are with the victims.

[justjrb]

1st flight by JULIANNA

Today I was able to watch the release of a few young black crowned night herons. I was lucky enough to play a small role in helping to save these baby birds from the streets of Oakland and urban development by being a part of a heron rescue team at Oakland zoo. We were in partnership with the Golden Gate Audubon society and International bird rescue. 

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fatal collision by JULIANNA BROWN Via Flickr: abc7news.com/news/bicyclist-hit-killed-by-muni-bus-identi...

Let’s take some time to reflect on how vulnerable we are. We often times forget and make bad decisions. Sometimes we come out of it broken and bruised, but still alive. Other times, we aren’t so lucky and we are taken from the world so suddenly. We forget how fragile we are and we tend to make irrational decisions. It’s hard to draw the line on being too careful and not being careful enough, but try to find that balance and if not for you, than for the ones who love and care about you. We tend to forget we do have people who love us, and that makes us a bit selfish. 

[justjrb]

supermoon/eclipse/full moon 2015 by JULIANNA BROWN