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[justkeepingitreal]

Leaving the past where it belongs!!

So I haven't blogged in a long time!! I have struggled to find the words and tell my truth, but going through what I have and finally coming out the other side and writing again might actually help make me feel proud everytime I read it, and I also hope that it will help many other people who have experienced the same thing.

In my first blog I talked about marital rape, this stigma is still round, people don't think that its an actual thing, well I am here to tell you it really is!! It was only when my husband finally left i really understood what it meant to be raped. When my husband left he left me with the mortgage to pay and every bill, and he was the bread winner who had the income, I had to wait 6 weeks on benefits excuse I needed to feed my kids and he wouldn't at that point he wouldn't give me a dime. I was such a mess that I ended up having a one night stand!! Sorry what I though was suppose to be a one night stand with my next door neighbour, well little did I know what was going to come of this!! This man literally became obsessed, in my house when ever he wanted to, scared me into doing things I didn't want to do, like sniffing coke, did it once and hated it, little did I know what was going to come my way.

So one day I rang my mother inlaw and asked if my ex husband was there and she started laughing, my heart sank and in that moment I knew he had another girl upstairs, I asked if he could go to the shop and grab afew bits for the kids and he said when I'm done, he went upstairs and finished the girl off and didnt care( I love this girl to bits by the way she is amazing 💗) that night I started to have a drink and my other mate was there, after 2 glasses of wine I became very violently sick, my other mate left and I was left with the fella who wouldn't leave me alone, as I was being sick over the toilet me started touching me, he got me to my room and kept trying to sleep with me!! I used the excuse that kids lunches need made and I needed to go and make them, when I made it downstairs I started falling over the place my arms where floppy and I couldn't move properly, I fell to the floor and he proceeds to sexually assault, the floor was completely covered with blood and he hurt me holding me down!! I tried to fight with all I had and at this point I knew he drugged me, he even made a joke as he wiped the blood off his hands and trying to clean his jeans. He got upset over me being annoyed with my ex husband.

I broke it off and well a restraining order plus police bail and then court bail was given, this man tortured me and wouldn't leave me alone, he petrol bombed a family members house and when I tried to press him for rape he put a hit on me, he wanted me dead!! I lived in fear for over a year had to move a few times whilst battling serious depression and wanting to end it all as the pain was just to much, I also had to have surgery to repair the damage he done to me!! I know raped by two men!! Yes it actually happens he knew to drug me though, that's why I rarely drink now I can't bring myself to fully let go and enjoy myself again unless I'm with my friends who I trust.

Me and the ex husband got back and fourth a few times before he left for another woman, this woman was going to be the woman who changed who he was forever. We started off friends she manipulated every situation and got everything the way she wanted! Little did she know when I stated counselling and putting my foot down by god they didn't like it. She told me a sob story about how her mum was an alcoholic and let men into her room and was gang raped and in hospital after it, to justify being with my husband who was a rapist!! So much went down and she worked her magic so good she managed to make him believe i was the bad person and he walked away from his kids, yes I was the bad person who apparently in his head stopped him seeing his kids. Well initially I did, I wanted rules and boundaries in place for my kids to be safe going to his house, he wouldn't agree to anything and I wouldn't back down!! A narcissistic asshole doesn't like being stood up to, but I wasn't that scared little girl anymore, I was a single mother raising 3 special needs children alone. He can tell everyone I was the bad person I know my story and the truth, he can live in his wee world all he likes.

I moved out of my hometown to be safe, and with the other fella who wouldn't leave me alone is now in jail serving 4 years but will be released next May, justice system over here is a fucking joke. I won't get my justice for that rape as bit enough evidence apparently.

My ex husband of the other hand well!! I waited the long game, he signed the divorce papers with the rape on it, see not as stupid as I look ehh!! I did decide after he signed them and walked away from the kids as did his mum and sister, I mean for my kid to lose one side of the family in one day, talk about traumatic, that I wanted him in jail for the years of rape and the mental torture of gaslighting and manipulating me every chance he got, I want him to pay for the hell and suicidal breaking point I got too, he deserves to rot in jail for what he put me through and his kids, and her standing by his side knowing all well that he is a rapist and deemed a risk to women!! Shame on her.

My last piece of recovery is my eating disorder, I have Atypical anorexia- all the traits except being under weight!! I would starve myself 48 hours at a time, either stress or the severe panic attacks i was having I couldn't eat, it got so bad my body started taking over, I couldn't actually eat and when I did was like 2 bits of toast after 48 hours, then another 48 without food. I was pushing myself at kick boxing and just never feeling happy about my body, but then got so bad a was damage my body amd still today I have anemia and still struggling, well now I am in recovery and omg it has been so hard, forcing to myself to eat my push last the pain and yes pain!! My body hadn't been eating properly for so long it was readjusting and bu god it was very painful, and even right this second I struggle tk get past the two meals a day, to reset ur Brain that all food is good and that starving yourself isn't the best thing to do is harder than it looks. People think sure just eat, it isn't a simple as that I was gagging put food to my mouth!! I have lost over 2 and half stone trying to recover and eat normally!! I did start to restrict my food at Christmas time again afraid to put any weight on and with no kick boxing I was terrified of any weight gain, but I am on the right path and I am so proud of myself getting to where I am, without antidepressants and working really hard to get to where I am, now I still have bad days, and can go in and out of not being really there, but PTSD is a real thing and its always a working progress, but I have the right support now and letting people in and actually accepting help is a massive step for me, I need to be in good health and mentally good for my kids!! Snd standing up to these men and taking no more and sending their asses to jail, well they done the crime!! Do the fucking time.

I really hope my story helps other people!! It just shows that people can really go through a round time and still come out the other side. So this is where my past stops haunting me and I can move on, isn't easy but then what is in life