justneedtogetthisoffmychest

[justneedtogetthisoffmychest]

Hi There Again Honey

December’s here, it’s almost the third, you better give her your sweater. I know she would look good in it; she already has a couple of them, and she talks about them during class. It kind of stings, but over time, the stinging has turned into more little pinches. In the back of my mind, I’ll probably always think that could've been me, but I know it wouldn’t have been. You didn’t love me, and even if you did, you loved me too early, and I loved you too late. Even though it didn’t last long, the between was beautiful, I could have spent forever there.

I’m trying to let go of you I swear. I’m going to blame my period for bringing up all these emotions I’ve tried months to suppress, but we all know the real reason, love lingers. My love for you lingers at least and I’ve tried, I mean I’ve really tried. I’ve been on dates, I’ve talked to other guys, I’ve tried hating you but I just can’t. I used to picture myself as a relationship girl but I think the only reason I thought I was one was because I pictured a relationship with you. Maybe it was the normalcy you brought to my life, you were familiar. But I find it so tiring to have to start over and find another guy who feels at home just as much as you did. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you back, I miss the memories but not what we actually were. We’ve been through too much to turn back now. Maybe in the distant future, we see each other in our new lives and things have actually changed, then we can finally work out but not now. I refuse to let you back into my life now. 

You will always be remembered as my first love, and I’m okay with that. I’m just starting to finally be okay with you not being my last. So thank you, and I truly hope you give her the moon and the stars and the love you never had for me. 

Take care,

[justneedtogetthisoffmychest]

Hi Honey

I’m going on a date today. You know I’m not really the dating type, but then again, you didn’t care to learn much about me anyway. I can’t believe I’m still writing to you as if you would ever write back. Part of me wishes that it was you I was going on a date with, but we both know that would have never worked out the way we wanted. Or at least the way I wanted. I don’t know why I’m writing you a letter. You were always better at writing letters, but I guess I just needed to say more goodbyes. 

I hope you know that I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. And I hope you know I’m not angry at you or her. There are so many times over the months when I broke down, cried, and wished I had never met you, but that would be an insult to whatever we had. I know you didn’t love me back, and I know you didn’t know I loved you, but whatever we were was real. At least it did for me. When I look back and reflect on us, it just reminds me further why I could never hate you. You were just a teenage boy; you still are just a teenage boy. 

Even though we don’t talk anymore, and that’s my doing, I truly hope you both are doing well. I hope you understand why I did what I did. I don’t think you can ever be truly just friends with someone you were in love with. I think a part of me will always love you. You were such a gigantic part of me for a good 2 years, and that doesn't just go away overnight. I’ll always be grateful for everything you’ve done for me, good and bad. You taught me how to love, and you taught me how to let go, and those are lessons I’ll never forget. I remember just before I left, the last time we spoke, you asked me to hold you, and every time I think back on that night, I wish I just indulged and held you one last time, but if I did, I probably would’ve never let go. But that's not what happened, and there’s no point in dwelling on what could’ve been. 

You look so happy with her, happier than my presence probably ever made you feel, and I’m so grateful that she makes you feel ways I never made you feel. You know I’m so proud of you. You’re so good to her, she tells us all the time. I’m just happy you could be that for someone, even if it’s not me. When she was talking about you guys when we’d go out, I used to feel so upset because as you guys got closer, I was still looking out for passersbys, hoping they were you. It was so embarrassing how I couldn’t even talk about the summer without bursting into tears. I was used to breaking down, but that was a different kind of breaking down. 

It’s taken me a while to talk about you without crying. When I first told Mark what happened, he hadn’t even asked me about anything bad, and I just broke down. I couldn’t even look him in the eye while I was talking. I’m finally at a sort of good place, though. Time does heal all wounds, but there are still scars. I felt like writing this to you because ever since I started talking to new people, I realized I still search for traces of you in them. Even with him, a part of me felt like I was betraying you by agreeing to go out on a date with him. It’s stupid. I know I was never yours and you were never mine, but for a brief moment, you felt like an eternity, and I don’t regret that. Anyway, it’s time for me to let you go, my great lost love. I’m sorry, I loved you.

Yours,

[justneedtogetthisoffmychest]

Hi Honey

I know you loved it when I called you that. You said as much. We haven’t spoken in a couple of weeks and it feels like I’m relearning how to be human without you. Every day has felt like I’m suffocating under the weight of all the emotions I’ve held in for months and it’s borderline debilitating. I’m trying to be strong but for the very first time I feel broken beyond repair and no, it's not your fault.

I keep wanting to be angry with you, but by the time those feelings bubble up, I know the real person I am angry at is myself. If you called, I would come time and time again even though I know I shouldn't. Even though I know waiting around for you is irrational, I think part of me still wants to hope. Sometimes I check the notifications on my phone, waiting for your daily call or text, then a wave of sadness washes over me because I know you won’t call anymore. 

When I left, I think I left so dramatically because I was hoping you would fight for me, fight for us. That’s all I really wanted. Show me you care. More than my body, more than the parts I was born with. Show me you want more. You never did. At least not until it was too late. It’s not like anything would change now though.

I’m just tired and I don’t want to be tired anymore.

Yours,