justplsleaveheralone

[justplsleaveheralone]

trigger warning: sexual assault (i think) , trauma and stuff

“it’s okay to be sad over things you thought youve healed from”

i can’t help repeating this to myself. but the more i repeat it, the more i realize i never got to heal nor process what had happened in the first place.

on one of our car rides i asked you what you thought about premarital sex. you said it was okay but i begged to differ. i respected your opinion but still throughoughly explained how i just wanted to keep it ~special~ or whatnot. i know it’s just a construct but if you know me, you know how much i value the emotional bond that comes with intimacy. i could never fathom the concept of one-night stands. nothing against it- just not my thing. anyway, i got my point across and made myself clear- or so i thought.

it was just another afternoon after class and the usual stuff we’d do - make out and more but still nothing past 3rd base. random music was playing in the background and it’s only been a month into dating so i get how we’re pretty excited. suddenly i feel something different. i panic- internally. all i could think of was the music playing and my breath getting heavier. i was so confused. after we had both caught our breaths, i sat there in silence. all i could think was “that was it? just like that? did that just happen?”

you sat there not knowing what to say to break my silence. you must have expected a different reaction. but you shouldnt have. you knew my reservations. you shouldn’t have crossed that line.

when i told you “you knew how i felt about this” your reply was the saddest attempt to comfort me: “i didn’t wanna do it during my first time too- my ex was drunk and she wanted to so..” — but that didn’t mean it was okay for you to do it to me too, fully sober and aware. i cant believe you tried to fucking normalize what had happened.

that day, i stayed silent. you were apologetic. and i was stupid enough to accept your apology and shove the fact that i was violated down the back of my brain for the entire year we were together. i can’t believe how much NEITHER OF US respected me. i can’t believe i actually let myself last that long with someone i should have left since that day.

i did my best to move past that day. i tried to normalize everything and just /did it/ anyway. until i came across a facebook post from Real Love Revolution that said “if he thinks you’re worth it, he will wait”– i brought it up and asked if we could maybe stop doing it but this just turned into another huge fight and you repeatedly asked me “are you sure? that’s a big commitment” and i actually took it back. i actually gave in. you manipulated me into thinking i was asking for too much. trash.

since then, it went back to normal– doing it for the heck of it. there were times i was even the one pushing for it because why the hell not? there’s nothing i can do to reverse the past. there’s nothing i can do to take it all back. this is what couples do i guess. i’m 19. this must be normal by now.

but it’s not. i can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize how i was violated because i was clouded by the fact that it was someone who i thought i had loved.

the only way i’ve been consoling myself is by telling myself “buti nalang nagyari yun” bc it got me to where i am today — out of that toxic relationship, away from that toxic barkada that would defend a person like him, and now with people who im sure wholly love and support me — but that’s a FUCKED UP way of thinking about it. because it NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. HE SHOULD HAVE HAD RESPECT FOR ME. but here i am still doubting myself- maybe i should have made it clearer? maybe i should have pushed him away? maybe i should have stopped him? i shouldn’t have gone all the way to third base if i wasn’t ready for more? honestly, i dont know what the FUCK to think at this point. all I know is i don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with him and ANYONE related to him. i hope no other girl has to experience the trash, disrespect, and fuckery that goes on in a relationship with him.

[justplsleaveheralone]

i’m starting to get scared

really scared

of losing you

but at the same time

im so scared

for you to see

the shit mess i actually am.

im sorry im not what you thought i’d be

i thought i was better too

i dont want you

to go through any of this

any of me

and i dont know how to reconcile

the discomfort that will bring me

and not wanting to lose you

it gets so heavy so so heavy

and i really dont understand any of it

so i dont expect you to either

please take time away as you please

im not as pleasant as i should be

and im not sure when it’s gonna be okay again

[justplsleaveheralone]

gonna start listing the things that bother me in hopes of coping with what i’m not sure of

1. wasting time

2. feeling unloved/unappreciated

3. weird dreams

4. feeling demotivated

5. being pressured

6. uncertainty

[justplsleaveheralone]

yup we’re back to this

2118

and we’re back to this i hate this feeling i hate never feeling enough and feeling too much about anything and everything it’s true what they say that the people who hide their anger are the most dangerous except it’s nothing but self harm maybe it’ll hurt others if i start to push them away because god it’s so hard to expect someone to love you when you don’t even love yourself i can’t believe the shit mess that i’ve become or am becoming it’s like nothing i do ever feels enough and i have no idea why it feels so uneasy and i hate uncertainty the biggest conflict i’ll always have with myself is whether to let people in only for them to find out i’m not as great as i put out to be i’m really not bye

[justplsleaveheralone]

“Sometimes, you do things and you do them not because you’re thinking but because you’re feeling. Because you’re feeling too much. And you can’t always control the things you do when you’re feeling too much.”

—

[justplsleaveheralone]

“I’m caught between trying to live my life, and trying to run from it.”

—

[justplsleaveheralone]

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if there’s one thing that scares me it’s uncertainty the feeling of not knowing what comes next what’s guaranteed what isn’t is this? i hope it is. all this time or maybe all that time i was living in comfort living thinking things would never really change that everything was set that the ball would just keep rolling until it stopped and now it’s just bouncing on and off all sorts of surfaces with so much energy not knowing when it’ll just stop again

[justplsleaveheralone]

where do you go to escape from yourself

[justplsleaveheralone]

[justplsleaveheralone]

what is it with you i honestly dont understand how it’s so hard for you to be pleasant like i really dont and why do you have to be so fucking possessive??? like gzus christ calm the fuck down. you can’t own people and those who you think you own, they’re all yours dude. i just can’t stand the exclusivity or tension??? and ohmyfod i just cant deal. with this every damn day i understand that this was deprived from you in a way but it doesnt have to be like this honestly just honestly. fuck.

[justplsleaveheralone]

some days i really think im unfit for any serious relationship i can never help feeling an impending doom like an expiration date telling me to enjoy it while it lasts and though i do, the question still remains when is this one gonna crack? and the thing is, it’ll always be an internal conflict of wanting someone to go through the effort to be with me and not wanting to give them such a hard time but nothing worthwhile comes easy am i really worth it tho? i’d like to think so but the past makes it seem like otherwise i just dont know what to think anymore

[justplsleaveheralone]