justwrite1000

[justwrite1000]

Letter to the lady (DEC 15, 2024)

Ok so I guess we're doing our first draft live here. Let's do it and I'll journal tomorrow.

Hey,

I'm only going to give this to you one time and I will not be doing it again. Please read and just say no after.

I wanted to start off by saying that I'm not looking for sex and I'm not looking for a relationship anytime soon. I think I need to do a lot of work on myself both to be comfortable being touched intimately again and to build the trust in another person to the point that I can treat them as my partner. I know that a relationship isn't your priority right now either.

In short, I know we haven't known each other very long but I feel like we make a good team. I think that we are able to openly and honestly communicate in a way which we both understand and accept; we have a brand of weird that encourages open and honest communication, but demands serious responsabilities, and that has been relatively rare in my experience.

I want to continue to get to know you and your sons. You have fostered an enviroment of care, love, and trust, even when it's difficult. I want to grow the past few weeks into something more. I understand that will take time, patience, and hard work over the next few months. It won't happen today

I'm not going to make promises that I will always be my absolute best, but I feel as though there is a foundation of respect and mutual life goals of improving ourselves and those around us to the best of our ability.

I'm not sure how this may develop, and I am not asking for us to make plans beyond what we can control, but I do know that my original plan was to stay in one place for 6 months and see how things develop to decide where my life will take me.

But in the short time I've known you I learned the following:

You are kind. You are smart. You are loving. You care about people to the point that you would sometimes destroy yourself. You have incredibly strong morals and ideals that push others to be better then they are. You want someone to care about you and understand those parts of you that are hidden in a secret place.

Your pain is not something you hide from, but embrace, because you know that others have seen pain too. You truly just want to help the world and everyone you can, not because you want awards or medals, but because you know that nobody deserves to feel that way.

I want to support you through the pain.

I would like to learn over the next few months how to carry you when you are tired. How to hold you when you need touch. How to make sure your space is safe, and how to put the boys to sleep.

One day I would like for us to fuck like bunnies. Or like doggies. I like it that way and I thought that would make you smile.

But I know that isn't today. I know that we are both relearning many things in life. But I'm glad that I've had the opportunity to do that together.

I want you to know that I'd like to start by just holding your hand... So please, when we are together just hold my hand. Just grab it. I'll hold yours back.

[justwrite1000]

November 20, 2014

Been buuusy.

I managed to prank patrick with our yearly picture while hes on his ship and my mother and I are no longer talking after I called her a c*nt and she called my wife a liar and made fun of her weight.

My wife and I are no longer physical beyond a roommate/friendship situation and I think she finally is at the point where she truely gets that we aren't going to be romantic/sexual.

She and I had a very nice breakfast today where we split a pick 4 option and just enjoyed each others company. I would like to do that with her more often. It was very... connecting.

dogs are alive, dust is being an ass growling though. Got a thingy tonight and am making cowboy beans, and will be leaving soon to go make this coasters (I am actually very excited to do that, I can't stop talking about them, but I normally don't feel emotions about things untill they are close)

Thanks for being here journal, this actually really helps organise my thoughts.

[justwrite1000]

november 13, 2024

Hello, I need to journal

I have so many emotions. I am angry, fillled with rage, not an emotion I have ever regreted because every time I've used it has been fair, at lease over the past few years.

my mother is fully gone at 55. If it was a tumor or dementia then I could handle it, but it's just her. I will not move back with her and my father, I'm 30 years old this is fucked up.

I texted A about training Dthedog as a service dog. He laid on me recently, and is acceptable when it comes to his resocialization. He likes being close to me.

I'm so sad.

Not even sad, just... I want goodness for everyone, and I can't give that.

I want my mother to accept help.

I want B to find someone who will love her how she needs.

I want my dogs and the cat to be cared for in the short small way they feel.

If I could cry at this moment then I would. I want tears to run down my face. When I sat outside smoking earlier, the cigarette smoke ran into my eyes and I teared up. I don't know why I can't cry. I want to. I want to scream and pound the floor, but in a shower.

That's why. I don't want others to be afraid for me. They see me all the time and know I hurt. I want to sob and to cry without any mention of it. Without any person close to me observing this.

I want to express emotion and not be acknowledged for it. Not even being judged, not even being commented on or observed.

I do not... no I do have safe places. But I have been trained from an early age that those safe spaces are not safe. That the goal is.... no

I was going to say the goal is dominance, perhaps control but that isn't right.

I believe that is why I use online spaces like this as my journal. That I can have an annoynymus space to share what I need. It's why B want's to do a podcast. To be open and say her truth.

It's so deep that we must just skim the surface.

[justwrite1000]

November 6th, 2024.

First time journaling in quite a long time. Lot has happened.

lost job

no longer talking to my mother

still drinking an hiding it

had cops called on me 3 times

planning how to exit this marriage

got in touch with the VA and joined a program to not drink there.

This past few days and how I feel right now are complicated. I just got finished being a poll worker yesterday and trump won, and everyone is upset. I think I am trying to just figure out some sort of plan to remove myself from this house as I am fully trapped at this point. B just wants control yet again, it's not about working through our emotions or handling things in a mutually respective way (neither of us can have a civil conversation through tone) but about control, which neither of us have.

I think at this point I need to ensure that there is a storage unit, which I can pay for with my polling money. I will be able to move my stuff in there and then extract it once I am able to move into an apartment. My goal is next April. I will not be giving a timeline simply because I have tried to extract myself many times from this marriage and house or have B move and it simply hasn't been able to happen for one fucked up reason or another but my end date is April first and I must be secretive about it, no matter the consequences. Damn the consequences because at this point there is a mutially toxic and codependent relationship here that neither of us truely want.

I have a minimal amount of furniture and will be able to utilize it to the best of my ability to ensure I'm good to go. I will be taking dusty and making sure I have a bed to lay my head down on as my final piece.

Filing cabinets can function as clothing spots. Any chair and set of tables are acceptable.

I have a desk.

I have a table

I have a chair, or two if i am fancy.

I have a blow up bed

I have a carpet

I have a dog kennel I can fill with blankets and remove the gate so dusty can use it as a safe space.

I have blankets, and I will live.

[justwrite1000]

June 20th 2024

Well today was a fucking wash.

Worked until 5pm, grabbed the car from the dealership (they have us on a loaner because the parts for ours won't be in for two weeks), and drop off B. I'm home for maybe 20 minutes, eat a takeout from chilis that I didn't even taste because I was just shovling food into my mouth. Called my mom because I was stressed and trying to do those positive coping skills and she was drinking so that set off a whole thing for her that she feels like a failure. After that we had to get this goddamn dog because my sister in law's boyfriend doesn't want to watch her (even though he agreed to take her in because she was being beaten) and threatened to give her away. Now everyone is stressed and my dog is not happy with aother one in the house and has gotten agressive with her because she doesn't understand personal space because she is having seizures and is so far out of it she is just pacing around. Everyone is all crying and upset because "oh this poor dog, she's so scared, nothing is going right" and they are debating someone stay home from california.

That's fucking bullshit. We have someone here to look after the dogs, this fucking guy who doesn't want to look after them! We are not changing our plans because he doesn't want to be inconvinenced with this dog. I don't want to be inconvinenced with it either, but I'm not the one who chose it.

I really have wanted to drink today. Like stronger urges then I normaly have, but they haevn't been as bad as they normally are. it's definetly been good to use other fors of chiling out and releaving stress that are not destructive.

I need to pray, i need to meditate, I'll need to walk the dogs tomorrow, and I need to workout in the morning. There's somthing really fucking wrong with this dog and it needs some serious shit to get it working just fine.

[justwrite1000]

June 16th, 2024

SO was a fine day. Did AA, Did church, cooked a little and put food away, cleaned just a little bit, walked the dog, stretched, painted a new painting (yay it was really pretty) my casarole was shit, needed an extra half hour, potatoes are too hard. They had a really good reading at church today, it was ecclesiastics chapter 2, the dude is dealing with nihalism and the hedonistic pursuit and how it still leaves him feeling empty. Kinda related a LOT to it, the awnser is somthing deeper for him, god in his case, but might not be in my case. DOn't have too much else right now becaue it's late. Need to get ready for bed. NIGHT!. oh and I saw somthing funny today, it was a guy walking his dog, but he was on one of those hoverboard segways and the dog was trailing behind him. i was like??? what's the point.

[justwrite1000]

June 13th, 2024

Okey dokey, okey dokey. Season 3 part 2 of Bridgerton is out, I submtted an idea at the ideathon at work and I'm at #5 out of about 70 entries, I mowed the lawn, walked the dog, went to AA, and have been thinking a lot about my deployment. I definetly am stuck there mentally to a degree, I think there was a lot of craziness, and it was a point in life where I couldn't distract myself and had no other coping skills or emotional understanding then drinking. I think that I'm trying to take active steps and checking myself to ensure I'm doing what I need to in order to make a solid progress towards positive growth. Currently I need to not rush everything all at once but move in a way that my dailies are getting dailied (they are more then previously) and that I'm doing active steps. I think that journaling is a bit of a stress reliever it lets me sort of reflect and break down emotions a little better. I think I realized recently that I get wrapped up in my own eotional state and instead of working through it I react. I don't actually identify what's wrong but instead react out of impulse and even when I don't react outward it's like my mind is soured and I point towards others rather then identify what's going on with myself. THere was a really good prayer/reflection from my daily devotionals yesterday and the first sentence was "every person is hurting over something." it's something I've heard before but it's so easy to forget and point the finger to others. I've started feeling good again for the first time in a long time, feeling actually genuinely good, and i think it's because I'm really putting effort into changing the kind of person I have am.

[justwrite1000]

June 8th, 2024

I really don't have to journal today but I'm here and have the free time and am alone so I figured why not. Walked the dog this morning, called my bro and my mom, owed and going to cook after this. Cooking hello fresh borgers. I plan on painting today which should be nice. I was supposed to go to pride today but decided not to, I think I need to be low-key today and not even relax but not do anything too taxing in regards to events or being around people. I noticed I have a 2 or 3 week habit of going around and around with that where I am able to rejuvinate and then slowly lose it over the next couple weeeks before I am able to do it again I think I need to focus on those positive coping skills including prayering, which is nice actually, never done it before but I'm trying to make it something useful. ummmmm getting better at piano, can actually move my hands around a little bit and maintain things during playing.

[justwrite1000]

June 6th, 2024

Tired the past few days, just think I was really spent from the past couple weeks. sitting here watching monk at the moment not finding it as fun as B. Not keeping up with all my dailies every day but doing what I can where I can. I'm trying my best to ensure that the dailies happen as often as possible and that when I fail to I pick back up the next day.

I'm doing btter at work, getting positive feedback, taking advantage of training oportunities and trying to increase my workload in a positive matter, but that's all fluff isn't it? Just the outside stuff, not the inside.

So what about o the inside? I've been praying more, trying to focus on the stuff that I feel, and trying to focus the mind down and utilize positive coping skills, such as prayer and meditating. Trying to sleep hen I need to. including naps. I remind the body to relax, and try to journal to make plans on paper. I figured i have 7 kinds of health I need to focus on, Physical, Mental, Emotional, Financial, Social, Intelectual, spiritual. These things are all interconnected, and I need to do all of these things. If finances are bad, I'll be emotionally out of wack. If I prayer then I will be able to mentally release my worries. Intelectual events can be done with people to socialize.

I'm very upset that my life has to be put on, not hold, but that it will be still some sizable time before I can really make next steps into it. I want things to move long much quicker, push forward the button on things like in the movie click. But that also means that I will be missing out on the positives of life as I am living it now. Forgetting that I am already living life, that i have lived for years and wasted much of the day to day. I need to focus more on living in the moment and moments that are availible to me rather then living on some fantasy in the future. I need to make the slow truding progress and I need to work on it bit by small bit now rather then later. It's important that I utilize thise positive coping skills to release pressure and ensure there are less pressure buildups rather then letting things grow out of control. To identify the problems before they occur and actively prevent things from spiraling and the onlly way to do it is to be actively proactive and tell when bad things happen.

[justwrite1000]

Jun 1, 2024

I'm doing alright. Have a naming ceremony for a mscarage a few years back later today. Week has not been bad. Tiring overall, but I've definetly been ble to relax a bit today.

It's been interesting paying more attention to meeting and reading daily reflections. I was helping a dude at his first AA meeting nd it was good, though I was getting a little goofy, and I think I just need to calm down more often. I a watching my 600 pound life and can see similarities in behavior between others and myself. It' very disconcerting to see yourself in someone else whith the same cause of different problems. same mindsets I've had and sometimes still do. It cannot stop after day one or step one. this needs to be continuous process and even if I miss a day I need to pick up and do it again tomorrow. I have to remind myself that I am not doing this to reach an end goal but to remain sober and stop the path that I am on. I'm atching this episoide with chuck where he loses his wife and he cannot take responsability for who he is and blames it all on the weight. I need to take responsablity for my actions and continue to do so and not blame it on somthing else. I am in charge of how I respond to difficult situations and triggers and I need to use positive coping skills I have.

[justwrite1000]

Journal, May 29, 2024

Ah journaling. The bane of my new existence. I planned on writing down the things I did today to start, and so I will. Walked DOg, cooked ramen (actually it's really good, I made a lobster stock from some tail shells and veggie scraps, I highly reccomend using it for ramen, tasted litterally like the real thing), I did some piano to learn imagine by john lennon, and thought about painting. I cleaned the kitchen, and am sitting here now doing ye he ge writing. That made no sense on purpose

I supposed this is writing about how I feel. I feel like my back hurts, and I feel tired. I was annoyed with my roommate today, it seemed like I was rearing to pick a fight. It feels like I have to be an emotional crutch when I am around her and am just really agrivated that I almost do not have my own space. I think that's why I hide in the kitchen so much. I don't think that cleaning the office will allow me to reclaim it because she will go in there.

I feel less upset about everything today. Oh yeah I relapsed again pretty hard over the weekend before my mom came. My mom came btw. I physically felt more ill then I have in a long time. THe house looks completely different because everything is clean, and I think it's crazy how everything moves so quickly, almost as though almost as though I am existing in seperate moments of time rather then one long continuous peice with cause and effect. Individual moments seem to take quite a long time, however the period of hindsight allows me to look at no wait it allows me to ignore all the little things and only focus on those overal feelings or emotions that I hold. Or even just lets me hold on to the reality I want to hold onto, rather then the one which actually exists. I wanted to say that's depressing, but I don't actually think that it is. I'm not as often introspective in this matter, it's moreso almost a narative I tell myself, rather then being fully honest, something more akin to a daydream and true reflection, maybe this journaling thing will actually show positive results, but I'm not sure why.

I must call my grandparents tomorrow, I must attempt fully to wake up early and go to the gym, it's 24/7, (well 24/5) I must make my appointments or at least call around for a therapist. I'd also be interested in learning nalbinding while on my break at work, so I have something to work on otherwise, but I wonder if that will just distract me later tomorrow. Oh and I must begin to read my book tomorrow. I said I was going to and would be reaching out for questions.

[justwrite1000]

Journal day 1

Alright, well shit time to journal. So I relapesed pretty fucking hard a week ago and it's go time in a way it's never been before. Had pretty extensive alchohol poisioning and positive I had alchoholic psychosis. There were halucinations, seemed like there was a fire outside and people running down the street to get out. All I could do wass layed curled on the couch and try to scream for my wife, but there were only quiet groans while she snored in the other room. later I layed in bed and there were people walking around the bed talking to me, but they went away every time I opened my eyes. I could hear their footsteps on the carpet. Last time this happened a few months ago I had to go in the hospital because I was going to kill myself so I'm glad that didn't happen again. I was also told I vomited blood this time which haddent happened for a long time.

After last time I had a laundry list of things to do and started strong with about 50% which started to fall away over the weeks. I became complacent but told myself "I'm doing better then I was before" but the only thing I kept doing was the easy stuff, and the external stuff. Not the things that actually mattered.

My Higher power changed. It's not the people around me. It's the fear of d death. THe slow death. THe long death. The kind that means you lose everyone over years because they get sick of you. Then you're alone. Old and have no deeper relationships then friends you get coffee with. Nobody to find you when you fall down or to check on you if you are sick. It used to be something far off that I was trying to prevent. Now here I am. It started. I cannot forget it. I cannot let it control me always though. I must still look at the immportant small things in life. there was a bumber sticker with a record company with my dog's name on it. THe coffe at work today was good. I enjoyed by basic cooked dinner I didn't put effort into.

I wrote a stand up bit and the punchline is how I have one ball and how I found a woman that it was her fetish. THat she likes to suck balls but is sad because she can only fit one in her mouth and is worried the other feels left out, but she doesn't have that problem with me. I then say, nah but she's really my princess, my cinderella. (touch my crotch) and here's her glass slipper