kaaaaathleen

[kaaaaathleen]

Dear self,

I know that you've been through so much pain in life. There are times where you just smile to people but deep inside I know that you are sad. Sometimes you just hide your own pain so that the people around you won't worry about you. But I know it's hard to keep it all inside. Sometimes you want to give up but you couldn't tell anyone. I want you to know that I am proud of you. You are a brave person for fighting your battles alone.

I am proud of you for everything that you do to survive. I know you've pushed yourself too hard just to live. You've kept all your trauma to yourself, and I know sometimes it still hurt you. I am proud of you, always. You are stronger than you think. You've come so far and I know someday everything you do will make sense. I want you to know that you deserve all the good things in the world. And after all that you've been through, you deserve to be happy.

[kaaaaathleen]

I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seem endless. And they still are... for you, for me, but not for us.

[kaaaaathleen]

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and the hallow part of your chest.

Grief is just love with no place to go.

Rest well, Meme. You will always have a special spot in my heart. I will miss you. Guide us all from up there 🤍 help us heal from this heartbreak. I love you, always! 🌻

[kaaaaathleen]

“Pero naisipan mo akong iwan?”

“Oo...”

“Bakit hindi mo tinuloy?”

“Hindi kita matiis”

“Pero kaya mong umalis?”

“Mahirap din”

sa ngayon... hindi ka pa kasi buo, nasa pagitan pa ng pagbuo at pagguho.

At kapag masaya ka na? Magdadalawang isip kang manatili, ‘pagkat paminsan-minsan lang naman akong mahalaga— hindi palagi.

[kaaaaathleen]

Hey you! Thanks for letting me go. I realized that moving on is not easy. Sometimes I feel like I’ve moved on but I can still feel the pain in my heart from yesterday. Memories like that don’t leave easily. My heart is still heavy and I often wake up in the middle of the night crying and wishing that all of this is just a bad dream.

It’s not easy living with the ghost of you present in every corner of this earth. Those past few days were the hardest.

You used to be the closest person in my life…

And now we’re strangers.

I know you don’t care about any of these anymore – about me, about us. I’m not even sure why I’m still writing you this. I sometimes wish I had a heart like yours, cold and unfeeling. And even though I think now things are slightly getting better as I move forward, sometimes I can still feel like creeping in and coming to me in waves.

If there are times when I feel like I’m drowning and losing myself with the thoughts of you, I just remind myself that I did not lose someone I love, but someone who didn’t love me back. I know I have to stop shaming myself over something that didn’t work out because I did my best with what I have and what I know. And I know that’s enough.

I deserve the kind of love that I don’t have to fight for. I needed something that’s truly meant for me. I know I have to stop humiliating myself over chasing someone who was okay with losing me. I have to comprehend that I absolutely meant nothing to you. I have to accept that someone like that made me feel that I never existed.

I prayed for a good man but it’s clear now that you’re not good for me.

Even so, I don’t regret loving you; just those times that I let my thoughts about you consume me. I regret those times that I pictured out a life with you. I regret the times I did not love myself enough thinking that I needed only you to make me happy and make me whole. I regret that I created all these fantasies of you in my head. I regret that I clung to the idea that you’re still the same person I thought you were.

And I hate that I’m still tangled around the memories of you.

One day I’ll look back to all of this finally having found peace knowing that the thought of you can’t hurt me anymore. For now I have to keep begging God to heal my heart. But despite of it all, I sincerely thank you for not holding on to me, for moving on and letting me go because I know I wouldn’t, and I know that it would only break me more.

[kaaaaathleen]

The sadness comes in waves and tonight I am drowning on it.

[kaaaaathleen]

I thought you’d be there, waiting for me... right there on the finish line. You were there man, however you were waiting for someone else.

[kaaaaathleen]

Submitted by @geoffreystein:

Madame Vice President Collage material from The New York Times and transcript of U.S. Senator Kamala Harris questioning Attorney General William Barr before the Senate Judiciary Committee, May 1, 2019, acrylic, gesso and pencil on canvas, 30 x 30 inches, 2020 Prints available at www.geoffreystein.com

[kaaaaathleen]

at Mangatarem, Pangasinan https://www.instagram.com/p/BtxL4QPAvDrr2m74DcOgMShV5ngqByrmd_PLNI0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ejzlb8uxf22g

[kaaaaathleen]

29th 💙 (at Governor's Island) https://www.instagram.com/p/BtxLkBLga0LIBzctv6I0Wo8aeV0tZ-WnXhlhHk0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=7m1gr464fk05

[kaaaaathleen]

T R A N Q U I L I T Y 💙 (at Pilgrimage Island of Jesus the Savior) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bts6LsogGTx77tQegvOQ-Xtye5pgmNYj4DZUk40/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=qtic8jdwurbx

[kaaaaathleen]

Where do you want to go my little bubb? ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/BsvCGGzA78v06IBsCtp_cYwCVW9ddbM899SZzk0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=67tnhl40fmqs

[kaaaaathleen]

Happy 1st my little bubb! I love you so much, Carlisle. 💖 https://www.instagram.com/p/BqxMYZAARdNaiR8rOkZX_s-0OA7VAAL3KntNJQ0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1czj6gk7kiltq

[kaaaaathleen]

Another year, Cheers! 🍻 https://www.instagram.com/p/BqJDmkIAG-VG-R4Y82p1aFuyQjZMx1hSBgW0vY0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1jdvbk1tppex5

[kaaaaathleen]

Free your mind from negativity. https://www.instagram.com/p/BonIMvGBC__DWzVGmnEBKHMBFb5k5B7yHeYdD40/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1qbb3scdfwmo1

[kaaaaathleen]

Happy birthday, Winston Churchill! 💙 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnl9stLBs7CoJAgutVg_JMRrcPnRmp435vr01w0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1q7wf13tmxy44

[kaaaaathleen]

Sand, water, sunset and my Winchi. Grateful for everyday with you, thank you for keeping up with me. I love you always in all ways! 💙 https://www.instagram.com/p/BmvUWQtBgR__LAdEmq5nTs7h8_zkPcLz_uOZKo0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=124di0w6r61k6