kai-024

[kai-024]

July 13, 2025

buti nakauwi ako ng bahay this weekend, sayang nga lang di kami nagkita ni kuya hahaha alanganin naman kasi ng leave niya.

sunday pa lang pero ang ingay na ng gc namin sa work. dami nang pendings. buti na lang sweldo na rin pala sa tuesday, kaya pa 'to hahahaha!

bago pala ako dumeretso ng apartment, dumaan muna ako ng church. 4pm pa ang susunod na misa, naisip kong masyado pang maaga at kung hihintayin ko naman ang misa, baka hindi na ako makapagsimba dahil pagod na ako sa byahe kaya sabi ko, daan na lang ako kahit saglit lang.

wala lang, parang hindi lang kasi katawan ko yung pagod, parang pati kaluluwa ko hehe.

pagdating ko sa church, nakahiga 'tong pusa na to sa pinto. pinet at tinawag ko siyang swswsw habang papasok ako ahahah, natuwa lang ako nung sumunod pala siya sakin papasok at tinabihan ako sa inuupuan ko.

lumapit sya sakin at dumantay sa lap ko huhu ang cute niya lang, muntik na akong hindi makapagdasal dahil sa kanya pero buti na lang at umayos sya ng pagkakaupo at piniling pumwesto na lang sa jacket ko hahahaha galing.

lately, dami kong dapat ipa-salamat. sobrang grateful lang sa araw araw. mga answered prayers, mga small things to look forward to in life. we are blessed, kaya kahit may mga onting pinagdadaanan, okay lang. alam ko naririnig Niya ako at hindi pababayaan.

minsan hindi ko lang din maisip yung mga reasons as to why some things happen, pero siguro kailangan ko lang maniwala. sa mga re-direction nya sa buhay ko, sa mga answered and unanswered questions in time. nakakalungkot minsan, pero all i do is re-focus and look at the bigger picture. dami nang nangyari, and i know i am with Him throughout all of it.

[kai-024]

June 08, 2025

today, i found myself scrolling through old photos. the weather was gloomy. i was having my coffee in my apartment, waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work. seeing all those snapshots from 2020, i couldn't help but to feel a deep sense of gratitude—somehow, i managed to pull through, braving the storm alone. i was in a dark place. but i survived it all. i never thought it would be this beautiful after all the darkness during those years. it was bleak. in the midst of pandemic. there was no certainty. it was like drifting through the waves of an endless sea into nothingness. in the photos, i saw photos i had saved longing for you, mourning your loss. the hardest part, no one really knows i am mourning. i have spent three years carrying that silent mourning. it felt as if a part of me had died with you. time stood still, my life too, had stopped. but of course, life still happens, life went on. but for years, i was still in the same place—trapped in an endless loop of what-ifs and could-have-beens. i was stuck. i was mourning you, mourning us, mourning the version of myself that never came to be. all the things you never became. all the things we never were. all the things I failed to become in that moment. but i have come to terms with the fact that it’s all in the past now. somehow, i am still amazed at how everything unfolded before me. i always thank him for how he impossibly turned my life around, and i am forever beyond grateful. no matter the challenges i face now, i remain thankful. and to you — i am always grateful as well. i hope you are in a good place. you shifted my perspective, and perhaps you are one of the reasons i am who i am today. i’d like to believe we’ll meet again someday, to have a conversation — just like the old times. ikukwento ko sayo ang mga ganap ko at pakikingan ko ulit ang walang tigil mong rants sa buhay. i will thank you for being a part of my life. after everything, there are no regrets — only hope and gratitude, because somehow, this is the reason behind it all.

[kai-024]

last week.

i was briefly back. war flashbacks hahahaha. dito yung OJT ko back in college days. grabe, it takes me back.

nakatira pa ako sa commonwealth and i really dreaded the commute going here, sobrang hindi nakakafresh ang traffic hahaha.

i entered the building and it still feels like it was 2018. kahit wala na sila dito, somehow, it still feels like i was walking into this building as the same person who applied to that company to spend her ojt days here. memories here still linger, the long bus rides, friends who i went here with. wala lang, napatrip down memory lane lang ako.

i looked back and saw how far i have come. so much has changed, most of it were for the better though. i still get sad sometimes but i still just look on the positive things that life has offered me throughout the years.

thankful and grateful.

[kai-024]

Lol edi sige para di na umusad ang trabaho HAHAHAHA

[kai-024]

5:21am

Dito pa rin sa hospital. Seeing the emergency section, feeling ko i'll never be ready to be an adult when it comes to dealing with these kind of emergency situations. 🥹

Plus yung kind of healthcare na currently available sa mga hospitals, mas kakabahan ka sa bill mo kahit na may iniinda ka pang sakit. Hay, sana yumaman na ako para makapag ipon for emergency funds. Hirap magkasakit.

[kai-024]

[kai-024]

“Learn to say ‘no’ without explaining yourself.”

— Unknown

[kai-024]

“Trust yourself. You have survived a lot. And you will survive whatever is coming.”

— Unknown

[kai-024]

April 09, 2025

walang pasok.

mag-isa na naman ako sa unit. dami kong naiisip recently. feeling ko hindi na ako fulfilled sa work. medyo nawawalan ako ng gana mag-work actually hahahahaha. dagdag mo pa yung ibang factors sa office, nakakainis.

gusto ko na lang umuwi sa rizal, gusto ko magpahinga. looking forward talaga ako sa holy week para mag-unwind, mag-isip isip.

ewan, medyo nao-overwhelm na ako lately. di ko alam kailan ako makakabawi.

nag-ooverthink din ako sa future. feeling ko sobrang late ko na hahahaa. pero i don't know, gusto ko lang siguro ng bagong perspective sa buhay.

[kai-024]

March 31, 2025

currently still stuck in the island. well, after all, maybe it was my choice. part of it really is because he's here for one month and i just didn't say it but i just made it as an excuse to stay here longer than i was expected to. i've been here more than two weeks now. i missed home. i was supposedly spend the holidays back at home because they got my room prepared already but due to conflict, didnt get to go home last wednesday. it is hard being here but being with him every after work makes it worthwhile. during my free time, i have been watching when life gives you tangerines starring IU and Park Bo Gum. it has been a while since i have watched a series that really got me invested like this. i have been crying every episode and maybe this is my new all time favorite next to reply 1988. being here for weeks, i have been thinking a lot. back in the metro, I've really been stressed out because of some people there that i felt like i needed a break.

now, i want to stop caring whatever they will think, i have been dwelling too much on that and i am so tired. i was so worried about their thoughts about me

it has been tough lately but having him here near me, somehow makes things much bearable than taking it on by myself, alone.

thinking about my train of thoughts the other day had me completely drained and i just stopped talking as in my mind, there were so many things going on. i was restless. being here on the island gave me a lot of me time, i suppose. during these times, especially after watching WLGYT, i can't help it but to re-think my whole life on how did i got here? at this very point where i am at today. it had me thinking, that i am so blessed with my family and my current partner. even if i went through a very rough patch during pandemic. existential crisis they might call it, but i know i was never alone while i was going through all of it.

[kai-024]

April 04, 2025

it's nice to be back home.

it is friday and i have been feeling so burned out for quite a while now. i was originally planning to just go home right after today's duty but i can feel my body giving out just as i was going through my shift yesterday. it feels like my body is crying for help so i decided to take a leave today and just went straight home.

i just spent the whole day sleeping in my room. it was the best sleep I’ve had in a long time, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt this rested

it's nice to be here, with my parents. i can feel them growing older each day and it makes me feel like i should spend more time with them often. i just missed talking with them. life has been so busy lately and time goes by so fast i can barely notice it. i have been reflecting a lot about the turning point in our lives for the past year. we have lost touch with some people that was once part of our lives but have come to terms with it through time. our own peace of mind has become our priority. though things did not end well, i guess living a good life and making peace with our past without holding onto resentment is the goal that we may not have achieved yet but i am praying, hoping.

[kai-024]

Flavor of Happiness (2008) ‘しあわせのかおり’ dir. Mitsuhiro Mihara

[kai-024]

Ano ba yan, sobrang lungkot ko today.

[kai-024]

Uhh, the worst. I'd probably make it through autopilot. Im so ded.

[kai-024]

Tinatry kong tipirin yung 1k ko until friday. Eh nabwisit ako ngayong araw. I'm trying to stay away from sweets which is the only thing in the world that makes me the happiest. Couldn't think of anything to make me feel happy, maybe I should go to watsons after duty, wala lang. Para lang bumili ng blush ng ever bilena na goods yung review sa reddit cause I feel sad and why not.

Ahhh, ang taba ko na.

I feel like im the worst person right now.

I felt invalidated.

Pero am i in the wrong?

Lol I just want a me time, away from everybody.

Tangina, kailan ba ako yayaman.

[kai-024]

Tangina naman kung kailan friday.

[kai-024]

Feb 14, 2025