kaiswonderland

[kaiswonderland]

Yeah, I remade again, in an attempt to actually ~*~have muse~*~. Most of my threads are being dropped. Sorrrryyy. Follow me there if you want to, but I’m not going to be posting on this blog anymore.

[kaiswonderland]

Yeah, I remade again, in an attempt to actually ~*~have muse~*~. Most of my threads are being dropped. Sorrrryyy. Follow me there if you want to, but I’m not going to be posting on this blog anymore.

[kaiswonderland]

Yeah, I remade again, in an attempt to actually ~*~have muse~*~. Most of my threads are being dropped. Sorrrryyy. Follow me there if you want to, but I'm not going to be posting on this blog anymore.

[kaiswonderland]

psa.

I'm putting Kai on [ at l e a s t ] a semi-hiatus for a few days because I physically cannot deal with him and he's not...here right now anyway. Find me here. Or don't. I don't care. 

[kaiswonderland]

all is (not) well.

     Maybe he's nostalgic -- maybe he just needs to stop crying; either way, the snow crunches beneath his boots as he makes his way across what used to be a lush field of grass, before the winter hit. He think it's probably more fitting this way anyhow -- more poetic, if you will. As an artist, he can certainly appreciate that, despite the fact that he hates everything having to do with the cold, and the wind nipping about his cheeks is freezing the moisture to his skin. It's okay. More will follow. 

     It's not that he doesn't miss her every second of every fucking day of his existence, it's just that sometimes, sometimes, it hits him hard and fast and overwhelms him to the point of him not being able to breathe without it feeling like he's dying; the knuckles of his right hand are protesting, he's clutching about the flowers he holds so tightly. Her favourites. Caroline used to grow them with her, when it was warm, and he would watch them, flopped over in the grass like he couldn't possibly be bothered with moving ever again for the rest of his entire life. Of course, that would last about five minutes before he would get restless, and pop up to grab the hose. Sometimes he would even be sneaky enough to get the jump on them, soaking them through and making them squeal partly out of surprise and partly because it's cold. Kai would laugh and he would laugh and he would laugh some more, and then they would (quite unfairly, if you ask him) gang up on him and, well, needless to say, that always ended in a bath on all accounts. 

     Every time he sees marigolds now he aches, aches from a place inside of him that he can't precisely pinpoint, but still knows it goes deeper than anything ever has. They look like a spot of sunshine against the colorless backdrop of the winter, and his mind flits back to London briefly, even though he's all the way in Manchester. He doesn't want those worlds to touch ever again. Maybe that's why he didn't tell Chance he was going to come here. Chance is London, and Manchester is death. Manchester is her. 

     The stone stands out for how new it looks, and when he stops in front of it, he can't keep himself from leaning forward and brushing the dusting of white off of the top of it with one gloved hand. Then comes the front; a part of him almost want to leave the letters obscured, but a larger part of him is already scooping the snow from the grooves, slowly revealing what he tries to keep buried most of the time. He feels like he's suspended in a single moment when the last bit is cleared off, and his eyelids flutter down, before pale blues are opened wide to face what he doesn't want to.

    Just her name brings him to his knees.

     The moment he hits the ground, his head bows, the petals of the marigolds brushing against the marble. It's been so long since he left her flowers -- so long since anybody left her flowers. Months, right? Months. Just months since she passed. Maybe CC's been around, and the evidence of it has just been covered up since -- he's not sure, but he wouldn't blame her if she couldn't. Wouldn't blame her for not being strong enough, when he barely is himself. Oh, God, it hurts.

     Vivianne Elouise Lancaster.      January 04, 2006 - August 31, 2013. 

     "Happy birthday, my love."

     Kai's there on his knees for a very long time, until his legs are practically numb with the cold, and he can't even will the shivers that wrack his body away. The sun is steadily receding behind the blanket of clouds covering the sky, and he can feel it passing more than see it; feel it somewhere in his bones, at the very place that he can still feel Vivy. Tears fall and freeze, but he doesn't seem to notice anymore, like they're just something that's there, something that's happening around him rather than to him -- he wonders if she would be happy now, if she were still here. Without Caroline. Without him. Would things still be the same? Would he still be where he is today? He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything. 

     It takes a lot to stand and turn around, but when he does, he keeps himself from looking back. He keeps himself from picking out the one spot of vibrant orange and yellow in the sea of gray that twilight has cast, because he knows that if he does, he'll curl up by her gravestone and go to find her. 

     And the moon is about to come up. 

[kaiswonderland]

[kaiswonderland]

✍ otp of otps (⊙‿⊙✿)

Send me a ✍: for a letter from my muse to yours 

            Kai,

See, I told myself I wasn’t going to do this, but I talked to a little girl a few hours ago and she’s taught me that life’s far too short. She’s been a good source of strength for me, and I know she’s been the same for you as well, so I’m assuming you can guess who I’m talking about, yeah?

I didn’t think this letter through, I just grabbed a pen and yeah. Anyhow, I don’t blame you…and I sure as hell don’t hate you. As much as I’ve wanted to for so long, I don’t think I have it in me to even try. On top of that, I’m just too tired, Kai. I haven’t been this exhausted in so long and somehow I know you feel the exact same way, you’ve just always been better at hiding it.

I left England and I’m sure CC’s already told you because she’s tried her hardest to slip in things about you, but I stop her before anything else. It makes me sick to even stop CC because I know she’s hurt, too. Both of us have left them and it takes everything in me not to move back there just for them.

I love you more than anything and even if you don’t feel the same way anymore…I don’t know. It’s not exactly the easiest thing to think about in the end. Whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re happy. I really, really do. I hope you’ve found someone that doesn’t hurt you and I hope you’re doing what you love.

I heard a song play while I was cleaning Keith’s my house yesterday and I’m pretty sure I haven’t cried as hard as I did in a very long time. It reminded me a lot of the two of us, which makes me even sicker. But…’I’m fuckin’ tired of getting sick about it, Now stand back up and be a man about it, And fight for something.’

Kai, I really hope you’re fighting for something and I know the both of us have to be tired of getting sick every single time we think about one another and what happened to us. I’ll always love you and no matter what happens, I know it’s not fair for…other people, it’s not going to be the same thing with them.

There’s so much else that I could say to you in this, but I have something important I need to do. I’m not sure where you are, so I’m just gonna send it to CC and she’ll hand it over.

I love you more than the sun and the skies and the stars…to the ends of the universe and beyond, Kai Lancaster.

Yours Truly,

            Caroline

[kaiswonderland]

————————————————————

" — And who is she, then, the girl you’re always on about? The one that stars in your songs — what does she mean to you, exactly?” The interviewer leans forward, his hands folded in his lap in front of him, as if he’s asking him what his favorite day of the week is; as if his heart didn’t just s t o p pumping.

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[kaiswonderland]

[kaiswonderland]

[kaiswonderland]

buried under an avalanche of kai and caroline feelings

dont come looking for me

[kaiswonderland]

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

send me a ✿ and i’ll generate a number

18: stomach kiss

       Her mind was quiet for the first time in a very long time. Everything was a little less bright, but in a better sense. She wasn’t blinded by the pain in every sense of the meaning. She’s back at the hotel and she’s sitting, folded up in a chair out on the balcony of his room. A cigarette’s perched precariously between two of her fingers and smoke’s billowing from her lips. It’s cool and goosebumps rose all over her body, it was probably high time for her to get back inside, but she wanted to freeze a little. Her body had been burning up since she’d slipped out from his hold in bed…the cold felt good.

       As soon as the cigarette was put out, she pulled her hair up into a knot and slowly made her way back into the bedroom of the suite. Her head canted to the side for a moment and she watched as he turned his head to smile at her. Her lips turned upward and she climbed up onto the bed and she peeled the sheet from his body a little more, letting it rest rather low on his hips. His hand cupped her cheek and she turned her head to kiss his hand briefly before she laid a gentle one against his lips. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she found her head growing a little louder, but she liked this kind of loud. This one didn’t scare her as much.

       Biting into her lip, her nose brushed against his and she chuckled quietly before shifting tiny frame over his. She straddled his thighs and her hands ran over his shoulders, mapping out lines along his skin with her fingertips. His skin was a warm contrast to hers and she could see the goosebumps rise along his arms and chest from the feel of her skin. Leaning down, she pressed a kiss to the middle of his chest and her lips brushed down the middle of his abdomen slowly. Her hands slid down his sides, raking her nails gently into the skin and she pressed them into his hips…she was memorizing every inch of him all over again.

       Her lips continued along his stomach, her fingers retraced wherever her mouth had been and she was making invisible marks against him…she was taking everything. She was taking what he always had from her and she’d never gotten in back. He had her everything. Everything. It’s what made things so much worse…there wasn’t a part of her Kai Lancaster didn’t have and she was taking what he hadn’t given away to someone else because she knew deep down she’d never have him completely again. 

       Caroline’s mouth burned shapes into his hips and she hummed against one of the bruises on his hips before leaning up once more to catch his mouth in a kiss. It was slow and it held a deeper meaning. Her fingers laced with his and she just let herself drown in him over and over and over again. She let him take the air from her lungs and the replace the chill in her bones with a warmth that could fill her forever.

       He was her Forever.

[kaiswonderland]

lately i've been feeling like the day is gonna come

you'll walk up to me and erase my memory 

ಥ⌣ಥ

#{ ;; hands remember }

[kaiswonderland]

sometimes i all i care about is kai and brie

[kaiswonderland]

✉ wanderingsoulsx

Brie: funky fresh? did we just go back to the 90s??

Brie: well then mr.winston is gonna need his own room cause i don't want him seeing his mum get busy with her funky fresh special friend.

Brie: no. not at all.

Kai: is that rly from the 90s

Kai: so ur saying ur gonna get busy with me (; (: (;

Kai: avert thy gaze mr. winston

[kaiswonderland]

✉ regan

Regan: y...es yes i am

Regan: i want to open up my own studio hmm

Kai: do it then

Kai: live the dream pal