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[kalacia-rydan]

I blew my SO’s mind earlier... We were looking into each other’s eyes earlier upside down, and I pointed out that the actual eyeball looks the same no matter what direction it’s viewed from, it’s just the coverings that surround it that’ve changed which throw us off.

It wasn’t until just now that I realized that this is a great metaphor for trans* people. They’ve always been how they really are, it’s just the outside covering that’s changed. ^-^

[kalacia-rydan]

Dinner with a Side of Anxiety

I’ve been thinking about my anxiety a lot lately. I have a fairly large test in eight hours, but I’m not at all worried about that. I’ve never really worried about tests. Yet I have my relatives (Aunt, Uncle, Dillan and Derek) along with my mother and her boyfriend, coming to my apartment tomorrow to have dinner (with myself, my SO, and our roommate). That, I’ve been super anxious about. To put in in prospective, I was feeling okay about everything until I realized that soy sauce has gluten in it (my Uncle is a celiac), at which point I broke down crying for fifteen minutes, upset because I almost poisoned my Uncle (he just gets really bad hives if he eats gluten). 

I was thinking about it, and I realized that the reason that my anxiety is so high is because I am absolutely desperate to have a woman approve of me. My mother is bipolar, and a former alcoholic. Needless to say, my childhood was not smooth sailing. My father and I used to leave the house when she was drunk; we’d go on long walks, talking about philosophy, ethics, interpersonal relationships -- typical stuff that you talk to an eight year old about. :P 

After their divorce, my step-mother always disapproved of the majority of my actions. Bear in mind, I went straight from high school to the Ju.Co., have never done drugs of any kind, always had safe sex, generally wasn’t a bad teen at all, yet she still voiced great disapproval of my actions. Luckily, I fell in with a good group of guys who all helped guide me on my way through young adulthood. 

Most recently, I had my Aunt (the same one who’s in town), yell at me for an hour and a half (the last time I visited her on my own vacation), because I didn’t leave my old apartment cleaner than it was when I moved in, and the landlord wanted a large sum of money from me in order for her to hire someone to redo the entire apartment. Of course, working through my degree, only working a couple hours a week, I was the epitome of a starving college student, and was absolutely panicked because I knew that I didn’t have that sort of disposable income. I was freaking out, seeking some sort of compassion, and she (just like my mother always used to) yelled at me because I wasn’t good enough. I hadn’t done enough. I was a terrible person for making that poor landlady go through all that trouble. 

I realized recently that, while I’ve had plenty of compassionate men in my life, there hasn’t been a single woman (aside from my third grade teacher) who has shown me any sympathy or compassion at all, let alone approved of my actions. I have always been judged by all of the women in my life, and none of them have found me to be worth their time (except maybe the professor who I’m doing my Research Apprenticeship under). 

That’s why I’m so anxious about this dinner. This is my one chance to prove that I am capable. That I am deserving of respect because I can take care of my own shit. That I can afford (while holding two majors, an RA-position, and only working <10 hours per week) to feed nine people a good dinner, that I can keep a working apartment, that I AM GOOD ENOUGH. 

My anxiety is through the roof, because the very people who I am trying to please are the same people who have always told me that I am not good enough. I am beyond worried that they will tell me that this still isn’t enough. 

Deep down, somewhere, I know that I shouldn’t care what they think. All the men in my life tell me that I’m doing just fine. I know for MYSELF that I’m doing just fine, and that after I graduate, things will only get better. I keep trying to reassure myself that I am good enough, and if they can’t see it, that’s their own damn problem. But... I still hesitate. I still have to force it from my lips because I’m not quite sure that I DO believe it. 

Well... I guess we’ll see how things go... *gulps*

[kalacia-rydan]

hero-plier

I am sorry you were betrayed by your own mind just now.

But know that Mark 

and the community that truly cares about you 

never would. 

Stay strong. 

Please don’t let them get under your skin. Let his pride in your strength outmatch his shame in them. 

[kalacia-rydan]

I cannot possibly explain how unequivocally true this is. 

[kalacia-rydan]

[kalacia-rydan]

Hi guys! I’m back and ready to do commissions again. I really need to do some emergency ones. My family is running out of money and my mom says that soon we will have to give up some of our non-edible things like toilet paper, pads, the car, the gas, and even the cats if things don’t change. She loves these cats to death and she wouldn’t give them up for the world, so I think it’s safe to say this is pretty serious.

My computer is also broken and really needs fixing because its hard  to do almost anything on it right now, its so fucking slow. My computer literally sits at 98 degrees CELSIUS at all times. Thats fucking 208 FAHRENHEIT. Too hot. (hot damn)

Look at that shit ^

My mom is disabled and can’t work, but is thinking of getting her knee fixed again so that she can go try to work just to try and stay afloat. My sister is refusing to get a job even though shes the biggest reason we are low on money. Her phone bill was like 152 bucks this month. its supposed to be 50 at most. And unfortunately for me, I’m also practically disabled and working isn’t feasible for me. I JUST had surgery on my knee last week I’ve been trying to help out but its just not enough.

 Even if you can’t afford something from here, at least reblog this for me and get it out there. I will appreciate it so much!

[kalacia-rydan]

I love this F Scott Fitzgerald quote, so I plopped it in front of a pretty sunset picture that I found on Google. :3

[kalacia-rydan]

Teenagers

I’m going to say it up front, I’m going to go on a bit of a rant here. 

My relatives are coming into town this week, bringing their two boys down. This will be the first time that they've visited us since the boys were toddlers (they’re 9 and 13). For the sake of keeping them straight in my rant here, Dillan is 9 and Derek is 13 (soon to be 14)-(names changed of course). My Aunt adopted both of them when they were still infants, and Derek was recently diagnosed with Tourettes (leaning towards the somatic tick side of things). Now that everything is set up. :p I hate the way that my Aunt and Uncle parent them.

As a note, my parents formerly sent me up to live with them over the summer when I was a kid, so I got first hand experience with how my Aunt and Uncle parent. That’s why I feel so comfortable making these claims. 

My Aunt is, more-or-less, a complete pushover. This is known as the Permissive style of parenting. She makes suggestions to the boys, but she doesn't know how to properly discipline them; when things get really bad, she starts yelling so that they can’t get a word in edgewise, but what it boils down to is a slap on the wrist because they never receive any actual punishment. Most of the time, she just caves into their demands. I’ve watched these boys grow up, and I’ve seen the result of this style of parenting on them. 

Even as pre-teens Derek was always given the short end of the stick, because “he was older and he should know better”, while Dillan realized this, and took advantage of it. One of the most annoying aspects of this is that Dillan realized that if he is particularly annoying (e.g. talking in a high pitched voice, whining, complaining, etc), then not only will he get more attention, but often, she would placate him with whatever he wanted just to get him to stop. 

My Uncle leans more towards the Authoritative style of parenting, which would be all well and good, if he was home often enough to make an impact on the boys’ lives. He works full time, and when he is home, my Aunt always has him working on home improvement projects that the boys are Not allowed to help with. So all justice in the house defaults to my Aunt, who doesn't know how to handle it. 

Just to give you an idea of some of the choices that she’s made that I feel were in really poor judgement:

letting the boys push her around (figuratively)

not enforcing an exercise plan for them (they are getting overweight)

allowing them to leave the house a mess (she cleans up after them)

letting them play the GTA games without supervision (this has caused Dillan to become extremely rude and mildly violent, as no one has explained to him that those aren't acceptable behaviors)

letting Derek (back when he was 9) spend $400 of “his own money” (that she saved from his birthdays from his entire life up to that point) on an iPod touch (that he no longer uses) because I had gotten a large sum of money recently and had bought myself a used 1st gen iPod touch on Amazon, and he was jealous

neither of the boys have chores that they have to do 

not enforcing their commitments to anything besides going to school

etc

Because of the nature of my personality, my Aunt has started coming to me with all of the issues that she’s having with the boys. I usually skirt around the problem, offering some light advice, but nothing near as dramatic as it needs to be if she really wants to correct the problem. She even uses language like “caved in” to express how she’s acting about the situation, which only strengthens my beliefs. 

She came to me most recently because she feels like she can’t deal with Derek being a teenager. I work one-on-one with teenagers 3/7 days a week; Derek is acting like any other teenager would without guidance. She complains to me all the time with things like: 

Derek has become a terrible teenager! We’re at each other’s throats! I am not happy with him at all these days! He’s so rude! You were never like that as a teenager! I can’t relate to him at all, it’s like he’s in his own world. I’m losing my mind! 

I understand exactly what she’s talking about! So many parents feel the same way when I come talk to their teens. It’s extremely frustrating that she doesn't see that this is what being a teenager is about! As someone who works with teens all the time, I know that it’s only going to get worse for her from here in unless she makes some drastic changes. The only reason I wasn't like that as a teen myself was because I very quickly established my own place in the world that was a happy medium for both myself and all the adults in my life. 

She has a tendency to blame him for his behavior rather than giving him guidance on how to correct it. This is especially difficult because she never gave him the proper guidance as a pre-teen, so he’s less likely to listen to her now. Furthermore, because she babied him through his Tourettes diagnosis, he now uses that along with his mild ADHD as an excuse not to do his homework. AKA he figured out a way to loaf around the house and play videogames all day that he can get away with. I work primarily with students who have ADHD, it’s possible to get them to sit there and do all of their work in a couple hours, there is no reason why that should be a valid excuse for not even attempting their work. 

I’m trying my best to be a good influence on Derek at least, despite the fact that I am several states away. But, like talking with any teenager, it’s difficult to get them to open up. I’ll persevere, hopefully I can keep him away from the worst things. More than anything, I am frustrated with my Aunt for not striving to be the best parent that she can be.

As an example of that, the last long period of time that I spent up there, I had just moved out of my first apartment. I’m super artistic (although not very good), and had painted the walls. I was struggling through my two majors at uni, and was holding two part-time jobs along with any odd-ends job that I could pick off of Craigslist. Yes, I messed up, I left the apartment a mess. They sent me a bill while I was visiting them; it was for $7XX. I knew I didn’t have easy access to that kind of money, thank goodness that my dad is incredibly forgiving. My SO didn’t call me until everyone else had gone to bed to give me that news. I broke down sobbing, terrified about what I was going to do, because I realize that “I dun fucked up”. I went downstairs to get a glass of water, and my Aunt was there. I explained the apartment half of the situation to her, and got a hug. And then... you know what she does? ... She proceeds to spend the next hour and a half solid YELLING AT ME because I’m a “bad kid” and how could I do that, “what did you expect”. To throw salt in the wound, she told me about how she left her first apartment so clean when she left that the apartment manager gave her an additional $200 in addition to returning her security deposit because she was so happy. Well, how do you think that made little old 19 year old me feel? Absolutely like shit, that’s how. And she treats her boys no differently than she treated me back then. It’s not a good way to parent, and I’m frustrated and worried about how the boys are going to turn out because of it. 

I think that’s all I’m going to rant for now. Questions? Suggestions? Ask box away. :/ I’ll answer when I can. *sighs*

TL;DR -- I hate the way my Aunt parents (permissively). Her boys (9 and 13) are rude and have no guidance, and it frustrates and worries me. 

[kalacia-rydan]

1. Recognize it and sit with it. The first thing you need to do when boredom surfaces is to become aware of it. Stay with the feelings of boredom for now – don’t rush to engage in pointless busyness. Instead, allow yourself to discover what you would really like to do, and what you think is...

[kalacia-rydan]

She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn’t beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul.

F. Scott Fitzgerald (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

Definitely one of my favorite quotes. 

[kalacia-rydan]

[kalacia-rydan]

[kalacia-rydan]

1. Is it really true that I have too much to do … Or am I just busier than usual, for now?

2. Which of these tasks should I prioritise? Do what’s most important first, and the pressure will subside.

3. Would I achieve more if I got some extra sleep? If you’re tired too work then you’re usually less

[kalacia-rydan]

In case you’ve never heard of this . . . 

What's #doitforMark?

WHOT

#DoItForMark is a movement that tinyboxbri and I started a week(? two?) ago, where we encouraged people to

-Think of a goal-Post said goal (draw it, type it, make a video of you saying it)-And then add the hashtag #DoItForMark. 

So many people lean on Mark in this community for strength and support, and we decided it would be a great thing if people could use his strength and unfaltering cheer as motivation to improve themselves. We all know Markiplier lives for us, and that our love and our dedication gave him the opportunity to pull himself out of the darkest time in his life, so Bri and I wanted to show him and show the community that Markiplier can pull us out of our darkest times, too. 

It doesn’t have to be so dramatic, though. It could be something simple, like getting better at art or remembering to eat today. It CAN be big and dramatic, though. I’m getting my Bachelor’s Degree and finishing an Android App for Mark. 

If you go through my #DoItForMark tag, you’ll see many great examples. They can be silly or serious. 

A lot of people seemed confused a while ago about it, so I posted this helpful list of rules as well. Please feel free to peruse it. 

Basically, just look at Mark and how far he’s come, and let him be your inspiration to get better, or get help, or do whatever you need to to step out off the shadows and into a better life. 

That’s #DoItForMark.

[kalacia-rydan]

I’d never heard of #DoItForMark before now, but now that I have, I support it 110%. 

I relapsed again, and it was bad. I made a post on my blog if you wanna know more but I am so ashamed of myself. I broke my promise already, I've let everyone down....

I saw your post. It’s okay. The community isn’t angry with you, or disappointed, or ashamed. We all know it’s hard. That’s why we’re not just doing it for ourselves. If it was easy, we wouldn’t have to publicize our promises. We wouldn’t need to draw strength and inspiration from Markiplier.

it’s okay to slip. 

It’s okay to fall. 

But don’t let your temporary failure turn into a permanent defeat. 

Mark wouldn’t want that. 

He is proud of you for trying. We are all proud of you for trying. We are not disappointed that you fell. We will be saddened and disappointed if you give up, though. 

Don’t give up. It’s okay to feel ashamed, but don’t think you’ve let us down. Try again. Keep trying, harder and harder. You mentioned that you need help. Seek it. Talk to friends. Find an online forum that can provide you with tools and ideas to replace bad habits with better ones. 

But please, don’t give up so easily. Sometimes we are surprised by our strength, and other times we are surprised by our weaknesses. But the important part is knowing. Now you know the difficulty that lies ahead of you. Now you know that you will need to find greater strength. if you don’t think it can come from you, then seek it elsewhere. Find strength in friends. Find strength in us. Find strength in Mark. 

Keep at it. 

it’s okay to fall, so long as you don’t spend the rest of your life lying there in defeat. 

Do it for us. 

Do it to show yourself that you can. 

#DoItForMark.

[kalacia-rydan]

[kalacia-rydan]