kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog - Tumblr blog

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

I think I fell inlove this year. I had a glimpse of love. A taste of you will. That feeling of ease. Ease in all sense. Ease in conversation, in intimacy. I’m saying all this in hindsight of losing that love and grieving that loss. I think I fell inlove.

I experienced true love, true safety in terms of expressing my thoughts, my desires, my fears, my worst experiences. Yes, what has transpired is the last thing I would’ve expected because there was so much more to explore in terms of this love. But to love is lose. It’s to know that this experience might end. Probably in death or growing apart. But it ends. Our love story just happened to end after 6 weeks of knowing each other.

I’m grateful that you gave me a better blueprint to base what I truly wanted in a romantic relationship on, I know what look for, what it smells like. And I’m better off for it. Thank you for this lesson because I thought I had experienced love until I met you.

Funny because, this past weekend we spoke about writing about love from what we thought it was, experiencing it, and going back to write about it. I had never been in love before. I don’t recall many times when I was compelled to write how I felt when I was in that relationship.

All hope isn’t lost. AND IT TOOK SO MUCH OF ME TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN TRULY REFLECT ON THIS LOVE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I LOST SOMETHING. I reflect and I’m appreciative. I’m thankful and I’m grateful that I got to experience this.

To love is to be seen and I was SEEN.

I don’t know if they described the situationship as love/being inlove, but I felt seen, heard and understood.

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

I’m back.

Heartbroken.

Have you ever mourned something you never had?

Grieved a potential?

Well. Let me tell you it’s not ok. I actually feel like crying. Each time I realise how much deeper and meaningful whatever that thing was was/is to me and I can feel my heart shatter. And the truth is I can’t just get over it. I wish I could. Aiii I remember Noba telling me that the first break up is never the one that actually breaks you. You go through that very easily. And wow. Whatever the hell is going on is KILLING ME.

I’m fighting every bone in my body not to reach out and ask “what happened to us” “are we fighting” “what went wrong” “did I imagine everything we had during those couple of weeks?” I am DYING. Literally tried to drink it away. I applied makeup and I’m on the verge of tears. I can’t believe I’m so touched/torn/hurt.

If anything I think these past couple of weeks I was going through the first couple of stages of grief.

DENIAL

I honestly avoided the whole thing. Tried to distract myself. I charged it to the game. I labelled it a situation not even a situationship. But the words I hear ringing in my head are “I only have coitus with those I have a connection with” and that breaks my heart. THAT HONESTLY BREAKS MY HEART. The last time I saw him we went to paddle together. I feel like there’s something in my chest. And I don’t want to be in business of drinking/smoking it away.

ANGER

I don’t know if I’ve reached this stage. There’s anxiety in terms of possibly seeing him. But I’m not angry. I don’t know if I can be angry. Like I said I’ve charged it to the game. And honestly, it felt good to somewhat experience something that was so well suited for me. I keep telling myself that there’s a lot beauty in letting go of the whole thing. But there’s also beauty in being courageous, asking the very hard questions and getting AN ANSWER. Whether it’s something you want to hear or not. I think more than anything, what I’m trying to reconcile with myself is that, if they wanted me then they wouldn’t be this massive confusion and lack of clarity. CLARITY is CLEAR to SEE!!!!! So yes I’m heartbroken, and mourning something that could’ve been beautiful. But that means that everything beautiful that I have imagined for myself IF NOT BETTER is coming. Is possible. Already exists. Even if it is with them. And I should go through this process and know that at the end it will all be worthwhile.

BARGAINING

Are the last couple of sentences of ANGER me bargaining with my heart to be ok? Maybe. Truly. There’s a reason why we are here and I should be grateful that I am experiencing this heartbreak NOW rather than LATER. Because it probably would’ve uprooted my life. And turned it upside down. I think now I just work on myself. REVENGE BODY BY KHLOE. Except I’m not doing revenge. I’m just accessing a higher potential. A higher vibrational plain/plane?? So yeah. Don’t be too sad Motheo. This was a great example of why compatibility is so important. Because previously you discounted it. And you TRULY yearn for a relationship where you have similar interests.

DEPRESSION???

Was me earlier on the verge of tears.

Trying to drink it away.

Trying to smoke it away.

And I think I’ll allow myself to go through it. But I know we’ll come out the other side. That’s the beautiful thing about TRANSFORMATION. And experience. It builds character.

To Love.

To feeling wanted, worthy, SEEN.

To the infinite capacity to love.

To the pain I’m feeling that I LOVED and how lucky that I got to feel love. I’ll definitely be fine.

LOVE.

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

SUFFERING FROM INTERNAL TURMOIL

I’m in a much better place than yesterday. I was close to tears, ready to jump from the 3rd floor. The most beautiful and also terrifying thing about feelings is that they demand to felt and experienced. You need to go through the motions of it all. The space to unravel. The difference between emotions and feelings is that emotions are the sensations within our bodies that are automatic and unconscious and feelings are the way in which we perceive these emotions based on our experiences, biases and interpretations.

My feelings about the situation:

-anxiety & angst

-disappointed & embarrassed (I feel like I’ve placed myself in a compromising situation. Or rather, in a position where I need to be vulnerable but I don’t have the power to do so as yet. My vulnerability is dependent on when I see this person. Also love is vulnerability. Allowing people to see you is vulnerability. So I need to stop allowing my perception of wanting someone as inherently bad or embarrassing or whatever. Yes I know it’s only because I still haven’t let them know that’s why I have angst but I should be experiencing feelings of joy/happiness rather than sadness because there’s a possibility of a good experience. So I need to stop being pessimistic and more optimistic)

My courage is honestly being tested and I should lean into it.

This goes back to the thing of emotional permanence. I don’t think that he doesn’t like me just because he isn’t with me. I need to stop believing that he doesn’t like me just because he isn’t with me and that’s what’s creating these feelings of angst. I HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!! And I needed to remember this because why did I stop having hectic chest pains before this??? Writing is the cure for real. My internal turmoil is cured. Love it for me.

I shall wait until we have the conversation. Whenever that is. Until then I’m going to try not be too hard on myself. Or too clingy, or too pushy or fixated or too whatever. I’ll let things happen as they should.

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

I need to be brave

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

Moving on is hilarious. Because why was I emotional (almost) over being cuddled. Last time I cuddled was AGES ago. And I’ve since broken up with that person. Anywho. I got cuddles. Like slept on a chest cuddles.

And the funnier thing is now they are ignoring me. Maybe I was too much. Pushed too hard. 🧍🏿‍♀️ these feelings are feelings of embarrassment because why did I have to call and text but you ignored me (screamingintothepillow) shame because now I’m questioning WHY I had to open my legs and become attached almost?? But I don’t think I’m attached I think I just want to be cuddled again. Is that so wrong?

I actually haven’t felt like this in ages if ever?!?. I’m usually unattached to the people I sleep with or rather have slept with. I know the sex was great, out of this world great; I don’t remember where I was going with this sentence. Anyway. I won’t stop thinking about him, how his breath matched mine, the hand holding during the sex, the moans, the reaction to my body, how we matched pace, I need to either get another taste or forget. The forgetting is hard.

The sex was so great it compels me to write. It demands that I scream from the rooftops how we fit together like puzzle pieces. I can’t help but yearn for that opportunity again. To let him fill me up to the brim. I’m losing it. Every inch aches for him. Yet these are feelings that don’t seem to be reciprocated and saddens me. That I’ll only have these thoughts of the most sensual night of my life. An 9/10 experience he said.

I’m so ravenous when I’m ovulating. Perhaps this is exactly that. A hunger for sex that is fuddled by the desires of my baby box.

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

I have a crush (I can’t remember when I wrote this but I just logged back into this app and I found these words here as I was about to relay my excitement for this new crush)

Hilarious

Anyway. I recently broke up with someone I thought was the love of my life. And. I thought this was my true love my actual forever. My first love. And like many stories and tales about first loves I thought this would be my forever love. I thought this story of two girls who found themselves in the middle of a chaotic village in rural north west and started dating after 3 days would be a tale I would go on to tell many.

Unfortunately, or fortunately that story had to be cut short. And I write this with total despair and almost sadness because the realisation ls thr have come out of this now expired love story feel like a betrayal. I feel like I betrayed myself. I left myself in a situation that was so intense and so abusive and so unlike me that I almost almost lost myself. Yes I know I eventually found myself and gave myself wings and set myself free from what is probably the biggest kind fuck of my 20s. But damn I almost lost me.

I almost lost me to an idea of what of what loving someone wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I almost lost me to an idea of choosing someone everyday. And idea of wanting so bad to not discard someone because of their traumas and experiences. I so wanted to heal that person, to be their safe space so much so that I wasn’t a safe space for myself because of the abuse I allowed. I knew some of the shit I was going through wasn’t ok.

I sat there and figured, bekezela because love is compromise and love is hard. But shouldn’t have had to be. Love should be kindness and compassion and thoughtfulness. Love is reciprocation and none of those were ever reciprocated for me.

I wish myself a live that doesn’t leave me doubtful, uneasy, second guessing or even torn between my thoughts and feelings.

Back to my crush.

He also about my day. No one has asked about my day in so long. Yhoooooo I’m getting emotional because no one has cared enough to ask about my day in 3 years. This crush is exciting. But it feels so surreal because sometimes I catch myself having flashbacks of my past love. And I know it will take time to forget but wow. I almost want to wipe the memories away like I’ve wiped all the pictures and videos and evidence that there once existed a love like this.

I wish my heart healing. I wish my heart the strength to open up to someone new and give them a chance. I wish my heart love, unconditional love, love that has healthy boundaries but love nonetheless❤️

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

I can’t believe that I am a Miss World South Africa finalist. On Friday when I received the call it was surreal, my heart stopped beating I was shaking. I AM A FINALIST. I had a feeling throughout the week when I received the NDA form but when it was confirmed I just knew.

I also knew when I wrapped up my interview. It went so so well. Everything that day went perfectly. I woke up and worked out, managed to be on time for sewing classes and come back and make food for my girlfriend and do my makeup just in time for the interview. I loved how I looked the eyebrows turned out great. It was such a beautiful day. It was as if my ancestors had planned out everything for me exactly as it was supposed to be. So when I came out of that interview I was confident. In who I am what I stand for and what I want to achieve with the crown.

And after the news has broken across the country I’m standing here just as confident in what it is I have to say, what it is I want to achieve and who I am while doing it. I am a bit nervous but I am trying to remind myself not to compare myself to others. Not to try emulate anyone but myself. To be steadfast in the things that I am working towards. And that is what will ensure that the crown comes back with me.

It’s so crazy!!!!!! I’ve prepared for this day multiple times, but now that it’s here it feels unreal. It feels attainable. I know now is when the hard work starts but now is also when the fun begins. I am so so grateful for the little girl who dreamed as big as she has. Who continues to tick tick boxes of her ambitions off of her list. BABY MOTHEO YOU ARE AMAZING. Adult Motheo you are even greater for being accountable to the dreams of that little girl.

Eeeeeeeek.

I am going into this workshop week with the intention of learning. I am going to absorb like a sponge. My desired intention going into this week is to INSPIRE, to PERSUADE and to CEMENT who Motheo Mokoto truly is.

The thing I actually wanted to write was failure. I love that I have a more positive relationship with failure. I have received so many nos but I confuse trying. I have felt overlooked but I’ve still tried to be seen. Today I feel seen. I feel heard. I feel like I’m finally being HEARD. All those nos really prepped me to be where I am. They ensured that I was equipped to take the hard hits. I failed early, I failed often, I failed forward. I am so so proud of my perseverance. So proud of my consistency. With or without the assistance of others (except my mom and my friends who have been there with me EVERY STEP OF THE WAY WHEN I FAILED AND GOT REJECTED AND TRIED AGAIN AND DODNT GET THE ANSWERS AND HAD TO BE REDIREVTED) .

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

Art is the lie we tell about the truth

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

So I spoke up. It felt scary being so vulnerable and honest. It felt weird letting someone into my thoughts and instead of hiding them just putting them on the table. I want the conversation to go and on so that I know that I’m being thoroughly understood. I think those are the next steps.

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

Watching the Ultimatum queer love while struggling with my own feelings and emotions within my own relationship has been something. I’m consuming small chunk a at a time and resonate and it’s crazy.

Sam saying that she would let a lot of things slide and was too forgiving of certain behaviors and I’ve seen so much of that side of my self in this relationship and I feel like it could be too late to set those boundaries and speak up for myself. But also bottling all these things is at the expense of my own feelings and ‘mental health’.

Aussie and Sam seemed very fine when the show started and I feel like that’s show my relationship is but you dig deeper and there’s these little cracks that I was too afraid to speak on out of fear of being abandoned and not chosen or not loved.

I don’t want to settle for that anymore and it’s my willingness not to let myself do that I need to reconcile with. I’m screaming. I don’t know what to do.

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

It’s so hilarious looking back at the younger version of me in the words I used to write. That version of me so familiar yet so distant. It’s quite uncanny.

I’m here today because I wanted to write. I wanted a place to just express my thoughts no matter how intrusive. But I always get stuck when translating thoughts to words. I’m currently feeling like I’m not doing enough healing/unlearning. Like this current moment in my life I’m not being challenged enough and I think this might be because I’m not at school and that was always stressful. This is not to say that there aren’t challenging aspects in my life (work/relationships/etc.) but they aren’t as prominent or physical like academics were. Anyway, this reminds me that I have to sign those papers.

I think I should lean into just having a breezy life with challenges that are subtle. Just because things are just flowing doesn’t mean I’m not experiencing life you know. *lets out a heavy breath*

This is me from the weekend. 27/05/2023

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

Doing my job freaks me out because I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

I’m so FREAKIN ATTRACTED TO HER. 

What a sexy girl. So hot. Please, I’m so inlove.

I love this girl every single time I set my eyes on her. Everytime I feel her smile on me. She makes me so happy.

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

I think I’m back.

Maybe this will replace my notes app.

Hmmm…

[kaleidoscopicvariegated-blog]

Me @ 24