kaliamarni

[kaliamarni]

Baby Mama’s

So I’ve always been the type that DON’T date men with kids because I don’t have any. Recently the past 2 years I’ve been letting up off that standard cuz I’m in my late twenties and almost everyone has kids now so okay cool. Lord do I regret it!! These parents are something else! I’ll save all the other crazy stories for another time, let me just talk about whats going on right now.

I’m with a man who has a 5yr old son with a older woman (as in older than him and he’s older than me) in another state. We’re in GA and she’s in IN.

First he claimed he had two. Of course over time the real tea was spilled and he was taking care of his son AND his ex daughter cuz they “got a bond” Yeah yall know that aint last long. It don’t have nothing to so with the child in particular, but thats not your child, yall not together, and this aint no big happy family. So cut it. Not to mention you’re already on child support for your son and its not a little amount, its decent money fr WEEKLY thats coming out of our household and things that could be getting spent on me like I’m used to. So not even being selfish or inconsiderate I look past all that. Still want to try and be with him.

His son has a tablet that he calls and speaks to him on. All of a sudden it “broke” when she found out he was seeing someone new. So his only way of contacting his son was to call her phone or try to communicate through her. Eh whatever still aint trip on him! Cuz you trying to see about your kid. Christmas come and we was supposed to get THEM. You know I was irritated but whatever. He an addition to you and thats his sister. She didn’t want him ( his son) around another woman (me) yet we live together and everything. Okay cool.

So his birthday in January, first its if you want to see him you got to come out here; so we planned to come for his birthday. Oh I don’t want my other kids around your girlfriend so y’all can’t come. I knew she was just jealous fr because what are you even talking about.. Your other 3 kids don’t have anything with the 1 kid we’re trying to come see… But whatever lies help you sleep better at night keep making em.

Spring break comes, she comes out here to Atlanta, and said she’ll let him get the kids. So I said I don’t feel comfortable being around any kid that aint his. It ruffled his feathers but idgaf. We gone nip all the extra shit in the bud right now. Of course she gets mad, blocks him, and tells him he can’t just get his son.

So if he not a father to her daughter that belongs to another man, whom the other man on child support too like him, then he can’t even see or talk to or care for his own son… the one he paying for every week.. Okay cool.

TODAY we having a great day. Good vibes. Then he come home from work irritated and mad. Tomorrow we supposed to be hitting the road to go get him for the summer. All of a sudden she gets his tablet fix to talk to him. Not only do we have to drive all the way to Evansville, IN from Atlanta, GA after we wanted to fly him; but she wouldn’t give his birth certificate. Then she kept asking what the plan was for tomorrow even though they already discussed it like 3 times, tryna be all in his business about small details that don’t concern her. Then say he cant come(his son) if he aint explain himself.

He gets mad, throws his phone across the room, punch the walls, storms all out, goes for a walk around the block then I came outside to comfort him. I aint say nothing, just walked while he walked around punching shit, making his hands bleed. We walk to the park, cool off, and walk back home. He send a weak ass long paragraph to her that he aint read out loud; but wanna read her response. I dont wanna hear or read any of that shit anymore!! I don’t care!!

So now he mad, cuz he fucked hisself by breaking his phone, and honestly all this extra shit just really puts me in a place where I don’t know if all this makes sense. I’m used to being with certain type of people, and I can tell he’s not in a place I wan’t him to be with the co parenting shit.

He the type to walk on eggshells, let her talk crazy, whatever she do its affects his whole day, like its just alot. And I don’t know if its something I can continue dealing with. So its sad because I do love him and want to be with him but the BAGGAGE cuz thats exactly what all this is I don’t care how nobody put it, is just crazy. I just know I’ll never really be happy in this relationship cuz he got so much going on, hate and anger, and shit towards the wrong people and it just pours out to other places in his life and yeah I’m cool on it.

I just gotta get some space. Friends. Time away from alot of shit. I real life just wanna get away. Be alone. I feel like nobody deserves my heart, time, or energy because I deserve all of it for myself. I need to pour into myself because I can feel myself falling into a depression.

[kaliamarni]

I just keep looking in the mirror. Touching my face. My stomach. My ass. Wondering what really happened to me?! How did I go from THAT girl to a SAD girl?! Confidence steady dwelling, weight steady gaining and I don’t even eat alot!! Life just steady lifing.. And I’m just feeling like I’m here.. Not happy, not mad, just here! Floating in space waiting for whatever comes next.. And I hate that for me! I hate all the feelings and emotions I been feeling for a while.

Saddest part of it all is I can’t even vent.. Everybody life hard. Everybody going through shit. And it’s plenty of people out here that got it worse than me. So how can I fix my lips to complain? Even when my heart wants to cry .. I just can’t be weak.. So chin up chest out.

Then I don’t have friends… Its folks I’m cool with .. I got associates.. A couple folks to hit up when I wanna go out … But a FRIEND? Someone I kNOW got me like I got them? I just don’t have any of those. These folks are weird. My love too genuine. I’m too real. And I just aint got time to teach anybody how to be a friend.

So I’m thugging it by my lonesome. I’m figuring it out on my own and I’m okay with that. Cuz when I’m out of this place; and out of this space I’m in; I’m still gone be by my lonely!! Balling on my own. Having fun on my own. I just can’t see nobody shining with me and they aint go through the rain.

I know dark times won’t last forever though. I done stayed down enough to know something gotta give. Its like when you doing right everything else goes wrong. I can’t catch a break. I’m just tired of this shit.

Its to the point I’m feeling like relocating is my only option. I dont wanna be far from my family but I know elevating requires separation so I’m ready for that; I NEED that. I also been considering the Military HEAVILY. To the point I’ve done all the research, talked to a recruiter, and wanna start physically getting myself together so I’m not out of shape out there.

I do want to get closer to God. That’s something thats been on my heart heavily. I don’t know where to start, or even what God I truly believe in. I’ve always been a “good girl” so whatever my family was with I’m with; born a Baptist Christian, transitioned to a Muslim, but I want my OWN faith, OWN beliefs, and OWN relationship with whoever it is I’m calling God. I KNOW it’s someone up there. I know it’s someone bigger than all of us. But what or who? I truly don’t know yet. And these are conversations people don’t want to have. So how will we really know? If we’re scared of the uncomfortable conversations and answers?