kalihaze604 - Tumblr blog

[kalihaze604]

I don’t want to be here

just like I predicted, not a single client sent me a single dollar today. I also lost my wallet and my bank card just to make today even worse. I’m sick and tired of never getting any support, feeling like nobody cares if I live or die. I just want to disappear and most people in my life treat me like I’m already dead.

[kalihaze604]

34

I don’t know how to feel about my upcoming birthday other than feeling like just treating it like another day? Birthdays have always been used by narcissistic abusers in my life as a event to ruin with their abuse because they can’t stand someone other than them being the center of attention so they feel the need to ruin events and birthdays by stealing all the attention with their horrific, manipulative behaviour. They don’t want me to be able to enjoy a single special day without them interrupting to inflict more harm upon me. My abusive parents always insisted upon swooping back into my life for birthdays and Hallmark holidays, offering meaningless gifts that show how little they know me, offering to take me shopping and then fight me over every single item I ask them to buy, or giving me small amounts of money that they get mad at me for spending too fast?! I’ve had Narc clients and finsubs offer to take me shopping only to not be able to communicate how much they’re willing to spend and getting mad at me for spending $400 at Sephora in 15 mins because they kept saying yes and not looking at the prices until checkout time.

I feel like I’m not looking forward to my birthday? I’m literally bracing myself for another horrible day where people remind me how much they do not love me, and instead show me how much they hate me and don’t care if I live or die, let alone care if I have a good day. I have never been able to celebrate this day, it’s always been used for hurt me. It’s a day where I wonder why I was so delusional as to stick around for another year hoping things will get better instead of worse.

I honestly expect nothing for my birthday. I don’t expect a single present. Not even a hallmark card with empty words. I’ve removed so many people from my life that were never really friends or admirers, just energy vampires looking to steal from me. I don’t really even have many clients left because my standards are so high that I can’t put up with people trying to make my life more difficult, can’t put up with tricks trying to push my body into a flareup without compensating me for my stolen labour, time and potential earnings. I’ve been way too nice to way too many clients and do I think any of them would even send me $20 for my birthday as a gift? Oh hell NO! I don’t expect anything anymore, other than to be constantly lied to and let down. I don’t expect anything other than clients trying to take advantage of my suffering and treating me like I’m not a human but a punching bag robot doll to take their hatred towards women out on.

last year my parents gave me a bouquet containing Lily flowers that could have killed my cat. My parents thought the perfect gift was ….killing my cat because I hadn’t done what they wanted which was: “finding a nice white boy to have grand babies with blonde hair, blue eyes to bring home to my parents for them to abuse”. Which is literally never going to happen?!

[kalihaze604]

how I’ve been feeling lately:

Sleepy as fuck. Absolutely exhausted. Overwhelmed. Adrenal fatigue. Needs another nap.

[kalihaze604]

Late for work taxi

My entire sex work career up until now was independent with the exception of one night working for a pimp in 2013. I’m not used to working for other people or paying any percentage or part of my wages towards the overhead cost of renting a shared workroom or have someone else having control over my business. I haven’t even worked a civ job in about 3 years, just been doing peer work and sex work. I feel like I’m not used to starting work so early or showing up on time for a shift. But lately I was procrastinating and disassociating so hard while trying to get ready for work outside that I wasn’t even leaving my place to walk to work until close to midnight. I feel like this is a big change for me but I’m trying my best to adjust and get more organized. I’m still independently working outside part time but have been so overwhelmed lately with my changing schedule that I haven’t made it to work in awhile and have just been seeing regulars for prebooked sessions.

[kalihaze604]

Regent Hotel, 2015. There used to be this creepy older (30-40+ years older than me when I was a 24/25 year old babyswer) guy that briefly ran a tiny pizza shop underneath the Regent Hotel in a section of the lobby. I think he tried to get me to do a date with him in the tiny kitchen but lowballed me so I said no.

[kalihaze604]

closed

Due to a fire in my building last night, my legs are closed for business——I mean I’m taking another night off work! 😂 I need to catch up on rest! I’ll be available tomorrow night. I recently started a new part time job working at a massage parlour a couple nights a week. I’ll be there tomorrow night instead of outside.

[kalihaze604]

i ♡ appppplleeeessssss <333333

[kalihaze604]

[kalihaze604]

-„Those who don’t know how to make love make war.“

[kalihaze604]

flowers in the rain

[kalihaze604]

I laugh every time I get a notification that someone I blocked tried to leave me a voicemail…because my phone might **let you think** you’re leaving a message -but it doesn’t even go through- I just get a voicemail notification and when I open voicemail- it says “no new voicemail” after I just saw you tried to contact me 5+ times in a row like it’s a goddamn emergency. What’s the emergency?

[kalihaze604]

back to work

Returned to work this weekend and I’m kinda overwhelmed by the long ass list of shit I need to buy that I have basically been trying to catch up on all winter after skipping out on work all fall because of a relationship & health issues. Money was tight and I had put off a lot of expenses. I had a busy night on Saturday thankfully. I needed to buy mascara last month and bought a viral drugstore mascara that made my lashes fall flat upon application and didn’t live up to a single claim advertised. It was also only available at one drugstore downtown and online was listed as on sale for $9.99 but in store was $26 after tax?! I had to return it and kept using the old tube of my last drugstore mascara I tried but didn’t like that much. I didn’t wanna take any more chances on a disappointing impulse buy and started researching the best waterproof mascara consumer reviews on Sephora and other beauty sites. I’ve used YSL mascaras in the past and loved them and this one is good quality as well! My eyelash curler also needed replacement and was falling apart. Then I spotted this new pink shade of Maybelline SuperStay Vinyl Ink (which is every whore’s fave bj-proof long lasting liquid lipstick) at the drugstore and had to get it.

I took a good look at my finances and spending this week and realized that there’s a lot of ways I can simplify my life and save money. Tobacco, medical cannabis and food are my top expenses, followed by household essentials and beauty/self care items. Sometimes I can save money with drugstore products that are just as good as high end but it does take a lot of research and patience to first learn what drugstore/more affordable products are going viral and why they’re so good/popular, determine if the content creator even seems genuine or if they regularly do paid partnerships where they lie through their teeth and hide bad mascara with fake eyelashes and say they didn’t use them, learn if the products even suit me, track them down in store locally, learn how to use them if there’s new technique involved, and return the stuff that doesn’t work or suit me. When I spend so much on beauty products for work, I depend on them to perform to a high standard. Spending less money often means spending more time doing market research aka hunting for deals. I know Sephora has an upcoming 20% off everything and 30% off all Sephora collection sale from April 5th-15th and I’ll probably be using that time to stock up on essentials I’m running out of and maybe a couple other little items I want to try. I’m really trying to reduce my expenses and spending this year and try to start saving money for the first time in over a decade.

[kalihaze604]

somehow…💗

[kalihaze604]

An invisible illness with uncertain causes and imprecise diagnostic criteria, fibromyalgia is largely defined by its mystery. And yet, when the onset of this pain follows a traumatic event (as it often does), it's hard not to understand that trauma as a certain kind of key. To hold that key in a palm made sweaty by too much coffee. To never put it down for the feeling that at any moment it could completely unlock the mystery and solve the problem of your pain.

Amy Berkowitz, from Tender Buttons

[kalihaze604]

[kalihaze604]

[kalihaze604]