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Late March 21 update.

Life, what a turn.

This week I have found out I am perimenopausal. Or going through premature menopause, I knew it was a possibility as my egg counts were low at 23. It's been 4 and a half years and I had been experiencing hot flushes, night sweats and mood swings.

I went to my doctor, they sent me for tests immediately. I got the results today.

I am sitting here stumped. To go from getting ready to conceive alone, to meeting someone, to finding out it may be too late.

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2021 update

I’ve moved in with my boyfriend. Before I did we had a good long chat about the future and I wanted to ensure he knew that I want a family. He also does, we have decided to wait 3-4 years as long as that’s what our doctors agree with. If something comes up fertility wise it would be a hard conversation to have.

He did express that he wasn’t sure adoption was the option for him - if we can’t conceive I would like to look at adoption but that’s something we have agreed to figure out if that comes up. We both agreed that fostering may be a good option if we can’t have children.

I have kept the donor updated and they are happy that I’m happy.

I’ll prob post on here once a month or so into the future.

I’m wishing everyone baby dust and wellness xx

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rolled up to the girl

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2020 can’t be over soon enough.

The can’t

This year has been hard. So so hard. January was ok, My garden was thriving and everything was looking good. February we all started getting nervous then March - lockdowns. We didn’t know they could happen. They haven’t in our lifetimes.

My hours were cut at work - still had to do the same work but with less pay.

We blinked and it was august, I lost 2 friends to suicide in august. September I met a man I’ve fallen in love with. He is teaching me that even the darkest times have a silver lining.

October - it was fun, exciting and family came together again.

November. So close to the end of the year, and yet the man I’ve fallen in love with and I suffered a miscarriage. It was out of the blue. We were using protection. Our tests begin early.

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“Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, and I believe it should be celebrated; whether it lasts 3 weeks or 9 months.”

— @myrainbowboyandme

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Trigger warning!!!!

Ok so, if you’ve been following me, you’ll know about 2-3 months ago I met someone. Well that someone and I have hit it off and we get on like a house on fire. So much so I put my solo baby making on hold.

So we have been using protection. Obviously protection is not 100% effective. This story does not have a happy ending. 3/4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. This is one of those stories. We didn’t know, we had been using protection but yesterday I had a light bleed mid cycle, I thought nothing of it.

Got cramps about lunch time today and at 7pm passed perhaps the biggest well thing I have. I immediately called emergency services.

I’m going to be ok, we both are going to be ok. It’s a bit of a shock. This is nothing like I expected it to feel. Not that I’d thought about this happening.

Fortunately -I think- we didn’t know, we didn’t have any attachment or anything. When we knew it was already done.

This was a jumble of thoughts.

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I feel horrific.

So lately I’ve been spending a bit more time away from home. Getting to know my boyfriend more and being more social. It’s been good so far. My new boyfriend and I had our first fight. We communicated well after and while it was not nice (obviously) we talked through it and learnt how we deal with conflict.

However the weekend took a rough turn when I returned home from his place to an absolute shit show at my house. A window had been broken open and things stolen. I filed a police report right away and have made my insurance claim but i feel absolutely violated. Like someone has been in my space.

Some of the things taken where heirlooms and I’m just gutted and angry.

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16 October

Update:

I have spoken to my doctors, my donor and my family and we have all decided the best course of action is to delay ttc. I am young, I’m only 27 and while my egg reserves are lower than normal for my age my doctor believes I should be able to conceive naturally into my early thirties.

So those following me will know I had no expectations to meet someone. I was not looking and many things in my past lead me to think it was not for me. It’s been a month and a half since we met but the world does seem to have shifted a bit. I think waiting a bit longer to start a family is worth the risk here. Possibly having someone to share a family with as a team.

I’ve been very frank with my boyfriend. He knows all about me starting the process to ttc with a donor and that having a family is very important to me and he’s made it clear he is looking for a family too. Not right away but within 5 years. So we are aligned in that sense.

We click extremely well. I have been in other serious relationships but I’m not going to lie and say this feels like that. This does feel different. We are both independent and have some common interests and goals in life. Enough to be good but not too much that it’s all there is.

He supports my career decisions and has his own ambitions and so, I am going to wait. While I will be 100% comfortable having a child on my own, I have the means to be comfortable doing so. I am young. So I’m going to take this risk.

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Japanese Anemone by Tom

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September 29th

It’s under 2 months until I’m ok to start my first cycle of mosie baby (similar to IUI) and I’m having my first doubts.

So if you don’t read my posts about a month ago I met someone. We have been out a lot for knowing each other a short time and we want the same things in life. On our second date he got the 20 questions about marriage and kids and answered them all to my liking.

I’ve filled my donor and family in on the fact that I am dating. They are happy to support whatever decision I make here. I’ve discussed with the man I’m dating what my plans were. I plan to make my decision within the next couple of weeks if I’m going to carry on with the November cycle.

It is still VERY early with the man ive met but we have such a “click” it’s worth perusing. So my other option is to delay. I’m thinking of doing a 6 month delay until May and then seeing where things go with him.

This was very unexpected. I am a strong independent women who has a sucessful career and her own home. I had everything set up for my life. (So did he to be fair, he said he was also very happy on his own and wasn’t expecting to meet someone). Yet here we are.

One day at a time. We are going out again on Thursday and Saturday. He lives 45 minutes away by car and I do most of the travelling as it’s convenient to me as he lives in town and I’m semi rural so I get shopping and visiting other friends done while in town.

What to do, what to do.

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Hillary White Rabbit

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