katonlythinks

[katonlythinks]

i don’t think people understand how much of life is grief. not just people dying, but losing the version of yourself you thought you’d become. grieving the city you had to leave. the friends you lost not in argument, but in silence. the summer that will never come back. the feeling that maybe you peaked at 12 when you were reading books under the covers and believing in forever

[katonlythinks]

I can’t believe I never posted this tapestry I made

(no I didn’t block it okay)

[katonlythinks]

I can't tell if I'm vocally stimming or if I'm trying to comfort myself or distract myself from the need to self harm. Either way no one better notice

[katonlythinks]

I don't feel real and I'm desperate to feel something good right now but I have work and I'm gonna be pretending for at minimum 7 hours that everything is fine. Fml

[katonlythinks]

Life is such a fucking mess right now. Such a mess and idek when it's gonna slow down or regulate anytime soon. Ugh

[katonlythinks]

I should've called out today and I didn't and I regret that. I need to sit down before I pass out or puke but like ... We have people in the restaurant and I can't do I'm fucked

[katonlythinks]

Why is it that when I finally start doing something maybe okay for me (eating) I really fuck up all progress?

I'm gonna fail my history test tomorrow ... That's fine everything is fine.

Anyways back to not eating and drinking my calories. Bottled coffee edition.

[katonlythinks]

Sounds simple but the thing is its so fucking hard

[katonlythinks]

Depression is awful. I skipped school and officially cannot skip another day this semester and I have to go to work now. I'm so fucking tired and I slept til 12:30. Fuck depression.

[katonlythinks]

I think I'm getting sick..... Ugh I don't wanna

[katonlythinks]

I forgot to tie my ribbon around my waist this morning and I'm upset about it. On the other hand I'm wearing purple lipstick to work and I'm still getting good tips so I can wear purple lipstick whenever the fuck I feel like it

[katonlythinks]

Life it tiring. I'm tired. I had to go to urgent care for a migraine I barely had to get a dr's note to skip work because my depression was too bad to get up on time and I had an essay to do and just laid in my bed doing nothing because depression is awful. And I'm constantly thinking about self harm and I'm just tired. I want the kind of rest that's more like a coma. Depression is awful and I never should've gone back to school.

[katonlythinks]

I wanna go for a walk or a run but I live in a transitional living program and have a curfew so I can't actually leave right now. I hate it. And I have to decide if exercising is the next rabbit hole I want to go down with my eating disorder (honestly yes but I know that I'll not do it healthily) and I can't right now....

Yoga or small routine of squats, planks and pushups? Hmmmmmmmmmmm

Yeah I'm not doing too hot but like I'm not mad about the eating disorder part just the depression

[katonlythinks]

My clothes don't fit. I'm tired and want to be home instead of at work. Eating medium size portions make me puke (not actually that mad about that one) and I have to get up early tomorrow. Like extra early to hit the library to print things out and then go for an apartment tour and application. I'm not pleased. Also I'm hungry. Really extra not pleased about that one.

[katonlythinks]

The hardest part about visiting family is having to eat around them. It's awful. But I didn't gain any weight (actually lost some even though it was only three days😊) and even though no one asked me if I lost weight the commented not it last time I saw them so it's fine. Also bought a new belt and saw my sister's and talked to my parents so that wasn't bad.

Still not looking forward to my Dr. Appointment because they will comment on my weight and it will not be fun but like.... I like where I'm at? And that's bad but I'm in a comfortable place again and I wanna stay here

[katonlythinks]

If you listen carefully you can hear me screaming in the distance

[katonlythinks]

So like I wanna write a motivational pro-ama quote on my arm? Except people would see and that's bad. I suppose if I shave I could write it on my leg but it won't be the same.... Ahhhhh gotta love falling back into eating disorders