katsizzle

[katsizzle]

Aug 23 3:08AM

this whole day i felt like there was a slab of concrete in my back. why? because of talking to MEN. its not the guy that im worried about, its more of the feeling of being rejected. i feel not worthy. i feel like it was my fault. i feel like i did something wrong that made him feel that way. but really, i shouldn’t. i do not deserve a man that wears a fucking floral button up when i am wearing nike air maxes. thank GOD i didnt wear a dress because he doesnt DESERVE that. i dont know, these apps are exhausting and i am already wanting to delete it lol

my bOOKS CAME IN AND IM SO EXCITED TO START MY JOURNEY. i wont be on here AS MUCH because i will begin journaling now in writing. im getting more spiritual and learning/strengthening my chakras and intuition more! and a lot of things from my angels and universe are being around me now :) i feel better with myself. its just today i am coping with rejection and i just need to charge 

[katsizzle]

dude.

right now, i am simping... LITERALLY SIMPING over this GUY RIGHT NOW. your close friend... i was suuuuper bummed out that he couldnt come to vegas because ya know (what happens in vegas, stays in vegas). and now, i keep thinking about him >.< MY MIND AND HEART IS A MESS. MY INTUITION. MY UNIVERSE. MY SPIRITUAL GUIDE ARE GIVING ME SIGNS OF SOMETHING. i need to explore and understand what is going on with my head in the love lane because i... feel like an EMOTIONAL MESS. FULL OF BOLDNESS, REGRET, AND ‘DO IT’. 

i dream about him so often, and it sucks thinking i hope he dreams too... 

RRRGGGGHHHHH im a mess with emotions and it doesnt help that my friends hype me up with it because i will DO IT. let me get my crystals and figure this shit out because i am rghrjtgnrsjdnfg

[katsizzle]

badgalriri: what was said @ramonasinger ? 😂 #RHONY

[katsizzle]

i am SICK

FUCK, my sisters being sick finally caught up to me and now im sick :< what the f bro, im a little little irritated with the fact that i did get sick because i do live with them.... and i thought i wouldnt but i mean i dont do anything to take care of my body ya know?? lol but im actually gonna call out tomorrow (most likely) because my throat hurts when i swallow, im congested, and i am not having a grand ole time. and i have a SEPTUM PIERCING.... bro :((

at least its not when disney is here so i prayyyyyyy that i will be okay when disney comes around :( but other than that, i actually enjoyed today at work because it felt like i was hanging out with people lmao and I GOT ASKED TO GO TO VEGAS?!!>!!>? YAASSSS IM SO EXCITED, which means that i will ahve to do some hot girl WORKOUTS!!!! even though im sick i want to do some little exercises, like yoga in the morning.... sigh

[katsizzle]

July 5

HEY! its a new month and a new day. today i woke up at 6AM tired as hell to give keys and then i went back to sleep... had such a vivid dream... and woke up again to get gas for my brother :-) bro, i need to save my money for disney 😔

DISNEY IS COMING SO SOOOONNNNN I CANT WAIT!! hopefully my items will come before we leave for home lol anyways, lets debunk what happened yesterday:

i come into work, find out it was super busy... skrrrrrrr REWIND

i wake up, we get ready to get breakfast, i get slightly irritated bc i get mumbled at saying “..i work at 12:30″ because im tired. and then we get ready and leave to get food. delicious breakfast woohoo. then we go shopping at a thrift store and i steal a deal!!! after we got ready to go to work and stuff... i get there and of course it is suuper busy so the stress and the anxiety comes in. 

im currently listening to an audio book “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” and they just said “having thoughts of thoughs”... BRO THATS EXACTLY HOW I AM?? i literally freak out and have high high anxiety thinking about my thoughts and just creating a false situation in my mind.... 

maybe waking up super early aint that bad, i got starbucks? lol

[katsizzle]

good morning 6/7/21

it is 8:32 AM and i have successfully enrolled in my classes that i need this fall!!! :) i am very excited because i feel everything aligning! although i am extremely nervous because school gets me anxious... i still have the motivation to push as welll. its been weird because i have this urge to want to graduate college at the LEAST. i mean, who knows... maybe transferring is in my agenda?? idk... but really i am excited for my future and i know that in order to overcome MANY obstacles in my field, i will have to face them head on you know. 

also at work i trained my first new employee and he’s my lil child :’) as happy and crazy as i am about it... i dont even know if i want to work that long LMFAO because i would have to work at a clinic for school and such and honestly i would rather work somewhere that will help my career... (oops)

[katsizzle]

i got a feeling.... woooohooooo

hello, i badly damaged my finger today LMFAO FOR BEING A DUMBASS. anyways, my friend from MIDDLE SCHOOL hit me up and asked me to do a PHOTOSHOOT with them?!?! i am sooo honored and honestly i took the opportunity because when will i EVER?! and its for something truly amazing and inspiring and i would LOVE to be a part of it.

second, tomorrow we are doing paintball and im so excited and nervous but mainly excited!!!! ive never done this before and i am FINALLY HAVING THE OPPORTUNITY!

truly, i am not wanting to skip on opportunities because they are in my way for a reason... and i hate how i always have an urge being so motivated and inspired so late at night because when its the morning its all gone lol... i really need to change my mindset and stop being a thinker but a do-er

[katsizzle]

hello again

back at it again with my self check up:

we did out cupsleeve!! and it was GREAT! amazing turn out and everybody was excited and they are expecting ANOTHER ONE and they’re requesting us to do one!! how crazy... i keep forgetting that this cupsleeve thing is not a one time thing... its a continuous hobby basically lol

work is work... and school: i am feeling more better with school. i FINALLY got the chance to talk to a counselor and it helped me SO much! she helped steer my in the right path and i am so glad. my prof replied back to my email so i can crash, and honestly things are looking up. i just need to DO it. i am not comparing my path to others really because everybody around me are graduating and im not letting it get to me. :) im sooo happy for all my friends!!! i cant wait to celebrate with them and alladat jazz you know?

[katsizzle]

a rare day reflection

i think its time to do and finally make the change i have been dreaming about. after listening to all of these amazing, talented women the whole day i feel extremely inspired to make a difference. i dont want to say “i think its...”, “i think that...” - NO MORE I THINKS!! and more of DO!! i will workout for my personal health because i feel the need to make myself feel better. i will better nurture my mind with knowledge and books that will further my wisdom. i will do everything with a purpose and be more dedicated to my craft. i have never been so serious doing this whole youtube thing, until now- i have a fucking camera and a fucking laptop that i have been dreaming about ever since. lets put this shit to work and do something about it 

[katsizzle]

30 Day Intentional Living Challenge: Day 2

Prompt: “Write down 5 things you’re grateful for��

1. living: this is simple to understand, really and there’s not much to add on. being able to live and breathe is such an honor. yes, i have thoughts of leaving this earth... but really theres just so much more i am capable of and i need to find it and let it grow. 

2. laptop: having my own personal laptop is great and i am so thankful i do!! i have been wanting one for so long, and of course once i receive it im not in school... but this has helped me pursue my hobbies and my creative outlet. 

3. working: ever since the pandemic, there have been many people laid off and unemployed. being able to still go to work for so long and receive a paycheck is a blessing itself. 

4. going outside: again with the pandemic, there are countries that are completely locked down where no one are able to get food, groceries, or anything... and being able to go outside for a walk, drive to work, get groceries is a blessing as well and i can not be more grateful for that. 

5. living with family: a couple years back i haven’t been connected to family as much because i was growing up and... the angst lol. but, living with my sisters have enabled me to rely on family much much more than i was and to be more independent as well. 

[katsizzle]

my dream

i had a very vivid, realistic dream last night that made me think i was asleep till like 2PM but i woke up at 11AM lol

so it all started at aHUGE grocery store with a ton of people shopping and checking out: so it was very crowded. it was my sister, my mom, and i trying to check out in a "rush" so we went to a self check out. however, while we were checking out there was a loud boom somewhere yet not much people reacted. there was a mysterious man that caught my eye in front of me and i saw he had some dollar bills and a weapon was glancing. my mom saw the same guy and told us to run and hide like an earthquake drill. better yet, i guess she saw it coming (mother knows best) because these people had bombs and were terrorizing the place. all the customers of the store were crowding the back and the store was so full we were still kind of close to the registers. all the men that were in charge of this were pointing there guns and JYP WAS THERE?? IDK WHY BUT HE HAD A GUN LOOKING FOR A HOSTAGE and was about to grab my mom but i held onto her sooo tight he didnt grab her (good).

it was storming outside, and i guess everyone was running out of the store to safety and my sisters, my mom, and i got lost. i was by myself looking for them in the rain and get taken. i get brought back into this hotel/house thing but it was all chaotic and horror like. if i were to give a good description of what it runs like, its similar to american horror story: hotel lol. i remember being chased by this creep clown doll and peering last minute to hide. i would be hiding in top shelves or things and it was pretty creepy. somehow, i found a way out?? and was tied to a tree with a phone because i earned it for being behaved in the house?? in result, i contacted a shit ton of people with images and such saying SOS and sending my location as fast as i can to others. the police reacted quite fast and the old lady in charge of the place wanted to hit me but couldn't or wouldnt. after, the cops arrived and i got found and taken away.

i searched the meaning of these dreams and it came up that "horror dreams" not nightmares, "represents feelings about fears in your waking life being realized". this got me thinking what i did differently recently to make me dream like this .... also maybe because im watching a new netflix series thats mysterious idk but im gonna play stardew on the switch and see whats up lol

[katsizzle]

life just keeps going

hello, its currently feb 21, 2021 and... the days are just flying by just like that huh lol. honestly, i’m trying everyday to find little things to improve myself and its slow. i dont get how people are so motivated everyday to wake up early and conquer the day ya know? i just tend to stay up so late and wake up pretty late... but i still do things productive? well not yesterday, we just got a shit ton of food lmfao thought we were going to go grocery shopping finally 😭 i honestly need to do groceries so so so so bad, out fridge is so empty 

our dishes are piling... right now, im so frustrated because ive been editing on final cut pro but the storage on the laptop isn’t enough to export it and im just 🙁 i spent so much time editing for the video and to have it done by the end of this week but its not going to well :( so now i have to edit back on either imovie (which im trying) or vn (which is where ive been doing my past 3 vlogs lol). 

i saw this post on a friends ig story talking about growth. growth is something uncomfortable yet the rewards from growth feel good. and that’s what i want and need. ive been looking at vet tech jobs as a receptionists and looking a the qualifications are so intimidating... being out of school for a full semester is :/ because i feel lazy but i just know i need to focus on myself and once i get back into school i’ll do so much better you know? trying to graduate and get a relevant job to my career of choice. it’s time to get things into gear and dust off all of the “i should...”, “i will do this....” because i keep telling myself that but im never going to do them to be quite honest. 

i need to switch up habits. i need to listen to podcasts, read some books, and start to feel good!! we NEED a glow up and we NEED it NOW!!!

[katsizzle]

oh gosh

I BROKE MY STREAK LMFAO. well, i have been continuous with youtube and vlogging!! i lost a little bit of motiavation on my 2nd week because of work and i was tired a bit... BUT, i am back on my bullshit :) like, i always look at rihanna, sza, and saweetie and just... BABY THAT IS MY GIRLS!! MY HOLY TRINITY!! but im happy i have been consistent with my vlogs no matter what views! :) im happy to have an outlet and a support system! bestie gave me a RING LIGHT and i have a tripod too?! omfg im so excited for the. future!! 

[katsizzle]

badgalriri: You’re not my only Valentine…@savagexfenty

[katsizzle]

[katsizzle]

[katsizzle]

its been a couple of days ://

oops... so long to that “blog everyday” thing lol. I apologize for my absence, I sort of have been living and been at least doing little videos every here and there for my YouTube!! that's something I haven’t been slacking on this week hehe. I'm kinda proud for that because I told myself on Sunday that I need to start on Monday for my weekly vlog and I actually did it lol I'm making efforts into becoming a new type of person slowly but surely. also, I haven’t been in work for like 2 weeks because of things... which sucks but hey, at least I'm getting paid and getting paid on Friday 🤑 so there’s that. I am also trying to cook more at home and its happening.... I think lol

I need to stock up on recipes and maybe I'll post some here?? I don't know, but this is my daily entry :) I also finished 2 Netflix series lmao......... anyways okay ttyl