kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XLV: No way out?

I'm losing so much life energy. I honestly feel the lowest of the low. And it's not that feeling of low when I'm so desperate to find a way out. I just feel like there is no way out. I keep pushing forth and trying to see things at a brighter light no matter what type of position or situation I'm in. But truthfully, it's becoming harder and harder each day.

It's just that... I try to stay true to myself no matter what anyone says about me and the things that I do. But once I feel like there's no sense of trust whatsoever with the people I'm around all the time, then that's when I start slowly losing face. My mom's been talking mad shit about me lately. And it hurts, it does. It's my mom. And she doesn't realize it but she's pushing me away more and more. What's worse is that since I work with my Aunt, she tells my mother everything that I say or do. I feel so suffocated. I can't breathe. I can't be me. My dad who's been so understanding has finally succumbed to the talk that my mom's been putting out there about me.

I mean... I'm their daughter. And all they're doing is putting a bad name on me. Showing everyone that I'm a bad daughter. Making it seem like I grew up to be the worst person with no morals and no respect.

And what makes things worse is that everyone else external from my family view my actions as.. Well not good to say the least. I mean it's all double standards for me. Why is it okay for a guy to sleep with a number of girls but not vice versa? I mean it's not necessarily okay, but it's more accepted. And it's treated more lightly. I mean in my eyes, if I want to sleep with someone and there are obviously no feelings, no current relationships, no crazy drama prior to the act, then what exactly is the harm? But in everyone else's eyes it's all just seen the same way. I'm a slut I guess. I knew people were going to say such things, but really being on this side of the stick, I see nothing wrong. 

It's like nothing I do is accepted. I work hard to pay for my bills, and to help with my parents. But I go to work late, or leave work early and the people close to me see it as me not wanting to make money. I go out with friends and come home past 11:00 P.M. and I automatically hang out with delinquents. I have tattoos and I'm automatically a delinquent. I hate it. I hate it all.

I have so much negative feelings welling up inside of me that I'm beginning to believe that my whole entire being is beings drenched in negativity and that my positive outlook is all a facade. I just want to be accepted somewhere. Not get taken for granted, not get judged by appearance, get acknowledged by my hard work and pure heart..

I honestly don't know how much more I can take of this. It's eating my heart out and crushing what's left of my strength. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better, happier, and I don't know who I can turn to for support. All I know to do is continue living like this. Which sounds pathetic, totally and utterly pathetic...

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XLIV: I Think I'm Just Weirded Out

Oh god, I think I'm really afraid of commitment. I think my mind and every single ounce of my body just naturally repels feelings because I feel like, like. Yeah I like Love and... And what? It's really weird. But at times I feel like it's too much and maybe it's just fear? Fear of like, losing someone I like I guess so I automatically start to decrease the amount of feelings I have for someone. But at the same time once I feel like someone else has an interest or a grasp of the person that I have feelings for, it's like a switch. Like I just flare up and like, not have it. I don't want to see the person I like with someone else but at the same time, when things get too couple-y I get kinda weirded out. 

Yeah, I'm weird. I don't know. It's always like this and for some reason when I feel this way for a guy I just kind of let it go without doing anything, putting up any effort. And once it's gone I feel kind of sad and disappointed. It's so weird. Maybe I just have to accept the fact that someone can hurt me but I just have to trust that they won't. It just sucks because I feel like I've done that, not whole-heartedly, nevertheless attempted to trust someone and give someone ym all but everything just ended and I don't like that feeling. And I don't want that to happen between Love and I. It's weird. Maybe this is why I'm single. No, I'm pretty sure this is why I'm single. But I don't know. I want to try. And just let it go.

Let it goooo. Let it gooooooo.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XLIII: Happy Easter!

420 blaze it. Haha.

Well what a wonderful Sunday this was. I finally told my parents about my tattoos, more like they found out about it. I guess Thursday night while I was taking a nap, I totally forgot I had on my blue workout bra and I left the door open. My dad saw my rose tattoos, I thought I was in the clear though because that same night after my nap I went downstairs to eat a snack and he didn't say a word about it, nor was he angry whatsoever. So Friday, the next day, he brought up my tattoo on my side and I was really tired from work so I brushed it off. It wasn't until Saturday when my mom also brought it up because apparently my dad told her about it and surprisingly they weren't that angry. I mean my mom was a bit mad but it wasn't nearly what I expected. I showed them my Forever Young tattoo as well (but not my finger tattoos) and well, what's done is done, was what they said. So that's done. Also I decided to take my nose ring out because well, my parents already accept my tattoos so I shouldn't push it.

Today was just a normal Sunday except that church was more packed than usual, which is totally expected. I kind of want to go out to a party today just because. I haven't gone out like that in a while. I'm feeling like a 35 year old with two kids and a super busy job that gets me tired all the time. Wow so optimistic. I'd actually imagine me being extremely happy at 35 with two kids and a cool job.

I'm going back to Sacramento today, I haven't been there all week and I totally miss it. I need to get my groove back because I feel like this spring break totally threw me in a daze. I just have to stop feeling tired all the time.

Maybe I'll go to a party tonight, who knows. I bumped into Lars and he said there's something going on tonight so probably. If not, I'll be taking my happy ass to sleep. Or I'll eat an edible with Vanessa and Chris. Either way this Spring Break was great. I mean it wasn't half as hectic as last year's spring break, nonetheless I enjoyed it.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XLII: division

I really want to buy a diary, just because it's tangible and I like tangible things.

My mood has been uplifted today. I actually feel a lot more upbeat. So bi-polar. Hate it. I just want to quickly rant about my work day. So one of my co-workers who's like decades older than me acts like a total sensitive high school virgin. She's just so... What's the word.. I don't want to use stupid because she's not entirely stupid but, her cries for attention is getting really old. I guess today she just exploded with emotions and cried during work, how professionnaalllll. And proceeded to give me attitude. ME. ME?! MEEE. I don't do anything at all, I don't get involved and I certainly don't even have any part in whatever kind of drama these co-workers have, so please take yo shit somewhere else girl.

Besides that, I've been eating pretty good lately. I think my gluttonous actions aren't even taking into effect in my body, but I say that nooowww. I try not to believe in that stupid, don't say something or it will really happen or whatever I don't know. But yeah I try not to believe in anything at all, except for myself of course. So yeah who cares. 

I've been missing Love a lot, it's weird. And gross. And just, what in the hell is going on with my feelings. But yeah I do miss the dude. However I actually think that the distance actually helps me get my life together because I am pretty sure that if we were to live closer to each other I'd be distracted as fuck. Although he does have a good head on his shoulders and can clearly see his future.

I'm getting really tired, no necessarily sleepy, or maybe yes sleepy I guess it's just that the heat is killin me. I'm just gonna watch How I Met Your Mother for a little and knock the fuck out.

Good night!

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XLI: tired

this whole day has been over-bearingly tiring. Is that even a word? I don't even know. But really, I feel like my energy depleted in an instant the moment I woke up this morning. Which is kind of funny to say because my last post was about having this "life adrenaline." Which I actually feel like isn't gone entirely but right at the very moment I'm exhausted. Maybe this exhaustion seeped its way throughout my entire body, mind, and soul because I feel so blank and blah about everything. Cotton buds, haha.

Anyway, I'm back in Stockton for spring break, although it really doesn't even seem like spring break for me at all. I pretty much get no sleep whatsoever and I'm constantly doing something. Which I shouldn't be complaining about because I do have those consistent outbursts about me not having anything to do. However, to defend my case I don't necessarily like having such a monotonous routine. I mean I'm pretty sure no one does but it's so apparent and in-your-face to me that I absolutely hate it. Love is probably the most refreshing thing to me right now because everything else is just sooooooo blah. I have no other word for it because I feel as if, if I use a more sensible word, it would not explain how... blah everything else is.

Maybe being in Stockton just instantly drains my energy or something because I kinda don't really like it here. I need something super new in my life. I'm so dependent on change now. It's ridiculous but hey, can't believe I'm using this quote directly to myself but, "to each, their own."

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XL: "life adrenaline"

So looking back at my previous blog posts I sound like one sad ass mothafucka. Honestly I still probably do feel that way deep deep down inside of me but at this point I feel as if my life as accumulated so much adrenaline that I really don't have time to care about any of the little mundane things as well as the bigger picture. For some reason, I've been a little more careless... Or a lot more careless but at the same time I feel like this "life adrenaline" can be put to use!

3 weeks has passed since my last post and I feel like in those three weeks I've realized many things. Again, my life goes in a very fast pace, somehow. Because sometimes it feels like my life isn't going anywhere but. Those three weeks helped me realize a lot of things. It's just things that I've realized, don't really feel like typing them down.

 Also, I met Love. It's weird I know, it's kinda like I just met him but I want to try. Maybe I don't know. He's a good guy. And in all seriousness I can see him help me be a better person. Now in my communications class w e did this activity where we gauge rewards and costs and predict an outcome for the relationship of whoever the rewards and costs go to, and honestly I feel like Love has a lot more to offer for me than for me to him. I don't know what to do and I'm not much of a sentimental person so, even me devoting a little of my time to him seems soo much to me though he probably wouldn't be able to see that. It's normal for people to do what I do, but it's a big deal to me. I guess it kind of just makes me realize that I am a selfish person and because I'm so selfish I have so many doubts. It sucks thinking this way, like I'm always on my toes when in reality I might not even have to be that way. Everything might just be perfectly fine but because I have these doubts it's totally ruining to bigger picture for me which I don't really know how to feel about.

Anyway, I need to update this a lot more just because I probably need to blow out some more steam from all of the events happening in my life.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXXVIV: Still in this rut.

I should learn how to fight for things that I want. I honestly don't know how. It just feels like I give up once I feel like there's any difficulties with someone or something I want. I always feel defeated like I already lost the game without even trying. Like I'm somehow either never going to get it or somehow get it without putting any effort. I really just forgot how to want something so much to the point that I'd do anything to have it. I also don't even give a fuck about the fact that I'm not going to be able to get what I want because obviously I don't fight for it. What the fuck is wrong with me.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXXVIII: How do you feel?

I was typing up all of my negative feelings and problems and complaints and this post was on the edge of being a full-blown rant. But I realized that I don't need any of that. It's okay to acknowledge all of these things but, even if I lay it all out there it just emphasizes everything. 

I think what's most heart-breaking for me is, no matter how weak I'll sound even though I know others wouldn't necessarily view this as weak, the fact that I don't have someone there to support me and give me exude positivity in my life. There's always a hint of defensiveness or negativity or, I don't know. I'm just tired of it, but who am I to complain now. There's really no reason for me to start complaining or being sad or being depressed now because, I just feel defeated.

Defeated like, everything that happens, I'm just gonna let it happen. And move on. Take those feelings with me or leave them and move on. Because I honestly don't know what else to do. I've never played for keeps and at this point it's probably too late to learn how. I sound so pessimistic but, it's just how ya girl feels.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXXVII: What an odd reality...

The reality of it is, my life is incomprehensibly ridiculous. The reality of it is, I've realized I've made mistakes. The reality of it is, I'm doing almost nothing about it. The reality of it is, I have regrets. The reality of it is, I have many of them. The reality of it is, I acknowledged the fact that they were regrets the moment it commenced. The reality of is it, they were all preventable. The reality of it is, I could have been happy.

And the ultimate reality of it is, that I was very well capable of making this life a lot better than it is. I don't know why I've done the things I've done. Or well, erm.. I do but at the same time, I don't know why I didn't stop myself from making regrettable decisions. As if that one time I was 16 I'd make such a regrettable decision that at this moment I'm still feeling the after effects. It all sounds overly dramatic but, it's real raw feelings. I didn't know I was going to have these kinds of feelings in the future. Hell I didn't know at all what the future had in store for me. And that's what made me so eager to seek different experiences and so eager to wander into situations I've never been in before. I was one of those people who believed that if I just got to know everything, been in every situation, dated a wide variety of people, and experienced problems from one polar end to another, that only then I'd know what I wanted or who I am considering I practically know almost everything. I was truly one of those people. But time and time again I've gotten hurt, disappointed and just plain sick and tired of everything. There's no other explanation than exactly how i view life right now, and there's not even an explanation for that. i think that didn't make sense. But really... I blew my chances and now I'm paying for the consequences. Also I do believe I'm paying for what the people in my past life did as well. You're welcome future me. You will definitely have an easier life.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXXVI: Answer to #35

You get so sick and tired of feeling like shit, being shit, shit everywhere, you get soooo fucking sick of it that you just say fuck this shit and fucking better yourself. How in the fucking world do I expect to become a fucking better person if I don't continue to try. God all I've been doing is fucking complaining about shit, how shit's not going the way I want or how shit's just piling up and there's nothing I can do about it. O-fucking-kay. To the shit I can change, I need to get the fuck up and change it. To the shit's that's inevitable, I have to let it be and get the fuck over it because it's, fucking, in. ev. it. a. ble. God I don't know but everything's just been annoying me to the point where I have no energy, but at this fucking time everything's annoying me to the point where I will force every single fucking thing to be to my liking because using force is the only fucking way to go at this point. I fucking hate how my life is going and what the fuck am I going to do? Hate it for the rest of my life? No. Fucking. Way. Fuck this fucking stupid fucking shit I'm gonna go fucking ham on my life and make it the way I want.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXXV: How do I gain motivation back?

I'm not motivated. I've been skipping class. My room's still a mess, or even worse than it was. I don't know how to do it anymore. I think this way of living was supposed to only be temporary but because I've been acting this way for so long that it's normal now. I hate it. I hate everything right now. What am I supposed to do. I can't do anything at all. I really need to get going. I hate this.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXXIV: Happy birthday daddyyyy

Yeah today's my dad's birthday, I believe he's 53 now. 53 wow. I don't know but that seems kind of young still, anyway.

Yesterday I was really just laying in my own misery, I know this should be a happy post since it's my dad's birthday but lately I've been feeling like this, like super blank, haha cotton swab. But really I was just laying down on my bed last night reading up on a manga. Just that for hours, like that's my only responsibility. I need to feel more value in myself. I feel like I'm really letting myself go. I'm even getting fatter, that's how bad it is. Not that I don't want to get fatter, I do want to gain weight but I mean I've promised myself that I was going to gain some abs before summer yet I'm doing nothing about it and my room is still a mess. A huge fucking mess. Like my life. 

However I was thinking of getting my life in order, and it was different from all the times I tell myself that. I do actually want to get my room cleaned as well as get everything organized. I have to visit my dad today but still I think I just need a day to myself and I'm not saying that as like a day to completely pig out and do nothing... well kind of. Not really. I really want to put my life together. I'm 18, I need to get my shit together, I'm an adult. I know age is nothing but a number and it doesn't necessarily signify me being an adult, but still. I've been in college and living away from my parents for two years, I need to do more than just lay around still acting like a high school student. Ah look it seems like I'm bipolar or some shit, which I think I am. I need to own up to my actions and take responsibility, I'm not a child anymore.

Anyway, I really do hope that my dad will have a fantastic day today and he's happy. He deserves it, I know it. He can be a pain but he's my dad. 

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXXIII: stuck in a rut

What has become of my life. The more and more I proceed with these tumblr posts, the more and more I seem to appear helpless. Of all people I honestly though I'd have more drive but I seem to have absolutely zero determination or motivation to continue on to success. Of course I would love to bathe in satisfaction of accomplishing anything and everything to the best of my ability however instead I'm basking in the shame I have for not even putting any effort whatsoever to anything lately. I just have this empty hole of a heart and it's completely sucking the life out of me. I just feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into this abyss and at the same time keeping this stupid smile on my face that has no meaning whatsoever. Everything easily fries my brain out and I know I can be better than this but because I've been in this state for so long I can't get out of it. No matter how much I want to, I just can't. I know I sound like a brat because there are tons of people who have it worse. But this is my life, and it's my time to complain. Which I've been doing excessively. I need to stop. I need to have that same driving force I had in the beginning of the semester. 

What I really need to do is stop thinking about what other people have to say or do, or their life in general. In time I know I'll be able to enjoy the things I want to enjoy in life and just because I have a happier image of them than me, doesn't mean that I'll always be that girl in the corner sulking by herself. I can do this. I know I can. I know I will. And I know I am going to accomplish all my goals.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXXII: help yourself

God it's been how long and my life is still going no where. You know what I have so many mixed feelings about how I view my life. I need to get my shit together but at the same time there are many things constraining me but the same time I don't think they should be excuses but. Ugh, I'm disgusted with my life. I know only I can change it ultimately but seriously... I must be then disgusted with myself. I'm only 18, things will let up, I'm sure of it. But right now I'm feeling all these stupid feelings about my life and it's taking me no where. It's either I change my outlook or I actually take action but even that's hard to do. I hate this stupid depression and these stupid physical illnesses and you know what. All these fucking illnesses, I hate it. I hate everything that's going wrong in my body. I don't understand why I have to go through it. I don't want to go through it anymore. I don't want to go through any of this stupid bullshit anymore. But I have to keep pushing forth because there's pretty much nothing else to do at this point. 

You know that feeling where even lifting up one finger is an ultimate task? Yeah, I know it. I hate it. I can type and move my hands in this position only though. I'm just tired of all of this. I've been escaping by watching stupid anime series and I'm sick of it. I need to snap out of it before I get sucked in the abyss once again.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXXI: I do not hate myself.

Yet another Friday night alone in this bare apartment. What a wonderful time to let all my thoughts free, with no distractions, no sounds, just pure tranquility at this moment.

I still have a long ways to go. Reading back at my old posts, I sound repetitive which means that I have not surpassed the point from which I started being repetitive. I honestly feel like my life is going nowhere. I sound like an extreme pessimist and I hate myself for it. I still feel like there are things hazing my vision and I'm surrendering to it. I still feel like my past haunts me. I still feel like a helpless kid. I don't want to feel that way but I do and it disgusts me. I know it sounds extremely absurd but my heart still receives attacks from the first person I ever truly loved. It's childish and just plain... absurd. Is it weird of me to think that someway, somehow he and I will have that same bond we shared in the past? I swear, my heart is too weak. I try to have this cold-hearted state of mind but it gets difficult when people or events from the past haunt me. I'm too weak, I need to build tolerance. Actually, if I was too weak I'd probably be at my very last burst of energy by now. It just feels like day after day, week after week, a little part of me crumbles away and takes away from my energy. I definitely sound like a pessimist now. I mean, okay honestly speaking. Look at me. I have no friends. Because some people are just too malicious for me and because I'm just too careless about others. I do blame myself for not being able to even hold a friendship but at the same time I do acknowledge that some people are just not good for me no matter how many friends they share. Also... Wait. I'll stop here, I'm sounding like I truly hate myself which I don't.

I know deep down inside I have a fiery ambition to become rich and successful and everything I want to be. God I sound like I'm bi-polar, maybe I am I don't know. Or maybe I just don't truly know myself yet. I don't feel defeated in any way, though I know I've suffered some losses. I just need to continue becoming a better me. I don't know how I'll get there, but I know that I'll get there.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXX: sex

triple x is sex? right right right. I've come to realize that my brain is a scattered mess. Each passing day, my articulation gets worse and worse and it's literally almost like I'm dyslexic when I talk, literally. It used to be just rare moments where I have dyslexic slips but now it's almost every time I speak. I don't know what's going on in this brain of mine. I can still think straight when it comes to just typing something out or writing something out however sometimes even then I'd get stuck just thinking of a simple word. I think it's either because my mind is being idle or there's truly something wrong with the wiring of my brain, which I don't think is the case since I'm still sane, that I know of anyway. I have to re-energize my brain, there is no way I can be a successful person with this kind of impediment of the mind. Well I just have to quit being such a procrastinator, I'm not in high school anymore but it's like my body is still biologically made up to be a high schooler, if that's even possible but whatever. I know I'm better than this. I know I can be who I imagine myself to be. Sometimes I do just have to let go and stop being so cautious. Well not just completely stop being cautious but at least I don't know. I have to take control, this is my life I'm talking about. I need to live like how I want.

I've been thinking about what I want to do after community college and I really want to go out of state. I mean it's going to be really difficult but I feel like even just having it as a fake goal will help me grow up and be more responsible because it actuality I can still act leisurely if I wanted to and trust me, I do whenever I have the chance. I feel like I need to be a little further away from family just because.. I don't know, even if I'm in Sacramento I still feel like they're hovering and I don't like that feeling. And it's making me want to push them away which I'll probably regret later on. It's just that they constantly remind me of how I'm setting myself up for failure. The pressure is too much and I know they care for me deep down, but I can't continue strongly if I always have their words dragging me down. Even with my brother who I know hopes for the best of me drags me down and in all honesty I just need my space. I need my own space to breathe and think and my own space to fill with positivity, because really, why on earth would I bring myself down. It's like everyone puts pressure on me and it's a miasma that I can't escape and that constantly grows. I hate it and I want to get away from it that way I can find myself, fix myself, and then return and be a better me which I know is the best solution I have for my life right now. So really, I just have to do amazing this semester and next and I can breathe clearer.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XXIX: COMM 321

I'm currently sitting in a building at school, it's kind of awkward just typing on tumblr lol what the fuck am I doing. 

Anyway I seemed to have so much trouble last month accommodating the new year, I was supposed to start this year out with a bang and continue forth but it felt like I just stayed in the same spot, took two steps back even. I'm slowly beginning to rise my morale once again though so things seem to be looking up for me which is great. I still feel like there's something missing in my life or I'm just being a little hard-headed like always. But my communications class has me thinking, I swear my professor is secretly trying to be a public speaking therapist. But she showed us this video about shame, fear, worthiness and vulnerability. Basically the speaker in the video talks about how it's that vulnerability that's the biggest part in worthiness. It's that vulnerability that allows people to either be outgoing and loving and caring or be closed off to the world. And I have yet to let that go and just put my trust in people and allow myself to be hurt. I don't know I can't think well, there's too much noise around me. 

I have to get to class soon, astronomy here I come.