kaylasvent

[kaylasvent]

How I feel around people.

Sometimes I wish my family knew how it feels to have Gender Dysphoria its something they will never understand. My constant battles with dysphoria include facial structure and my voice. Sometimes I wish I could just run away and disappear and find money or hope that my insurance would cover the surgeries and recently the friends I surround myself with pick on my appearance which makes it even worse. It doesn't help the fact I do struggle with these issues. I just wanna feel comfortable in my own body. I just wish my family and friends knew how much I struggle.

[kaylasvent]

Nobody would miss me.

Lets be honest nobody would miss me if I disappeared from this world. :(

[kaylasvent]

Struggles from coming out as Transgender to my family.

I recently came out as Transgender a couple of months ago to my family and its been really hard on me. My family doesn't understand me and won't even take the time to sit down and listen to me nor do research on what transgender and gender dysphoria is. For these past months I struggled with depression because of it. Me hearing the term He/Him and brother and uncle really hurts me because it reminds me of a shitty time in my life. Where I felt trapped. Hated life. Gained weight and just gave up on everything. Some days I wish I didn't have to deal with so much hate. Some days I wish I could just move away and never talk to my family again because of all this trauma. Some days I wish I could've been born as female at birth that way I didn't have to deal with all this. Please respect me. Using someone's birth gender pronouns when they don't like it hurts and people don't understand that it actually does damage.

-Kayla

[kaylasvent]

My life and gender dysphoria

This is my first time really venting about my body and my feelings about life. Growing up I knew I was different. I knew something wasn't right and I never really felt comfortable. I was around a 4 or 5 when I tried on girl shoes in my sisters closet and it made me feel pretty. At that moment I knew something wasn't right and I never really told my parents at a young age because I didn't know what was wrong with me. Fast forward at age 7 or 8 and I remember one Christmas. We all had a family get together on Christmas night at my uncles house. And I just remember my cousin got this cute pink princess set thingy with a mirror and I watched her as she did her makeup and it made me jealous because I knew I wasn't a boy and something isn't right. I also remember my mom painted my nails one day and I liked it. Then a couple days later I went to go hang out with my supposely friends down the street. That day they were bullying me/picking on me for having my nails painted and it really hurt my feelings. It even got so bad that they would bully me more and even beat up my bike that I used to ride around the neighborhood on. But luckily I had a friend down the street that was my only guy friend. And his mom knew my mom so that was good.

When I was in 5th grade my mother sadly passed away while I was sleeping and she was being rushed to the hospital. I remember my sister woke me up and there was a lot of random stuff on the ground. My sister took me to my cousins house and I didn't know what was going on until my aunt got the phone call and told me that my mother had passed and I started crying and I felt like my life was starting to go to shit. That year she died I remember getting on her computer and making a YouTube channel and that was my way of coping with depression and playing video games.

Middle school started to start and I was trying to fit in with the other people. But nothing really went well in middle school. Still was getting bullied in 8th grade and this is when I started hitting puberty and my hair was short and I started to get masculine features to my face and acne. I hated how I looked.

Highschool. Freshmen/Sophmore year I remember I started to grow my hair out and was going more for a emo/scene style. and those years were pretty much bleh with self hatred, and depression, heartaches. Junior year I would start to listen to extremely heavy metal genres like Deathcore, Metalcore, etc.

Around 17 and 18 I started dressing like a female but would hide it from the world. My senior year I started discovering what trans was and started watching YouTubers and was trying to find out who I am. I remember days towards the end of my high school year. I would start wearing women clothes underneath my guy clothes and it made me feel more feminine and I really loved it. After I graduated I started coming out to my sisters friend. She was the first one I told that I am trans. I ended up telling my sister and things went okay but then when I went to the doctor one day I asked my doctor about horomone's and he said he doesn't do horomone stuff and I wasn't sure how the ask him. After my check up at the doctors I remember getting back in my sisters car and she yelled at me and starting insulting me with words. Not sure if she meant it. But she does have Bipolar. After that I started feeling trapped and I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had to be a guy to please other peoples happiness. When it was just hurting me, making me hate my life and the world. For the past 6 years I've gained a lot of weight because of depression and unmotivation.

4 years ago I met some friends on Fortnite that at least made me feel loved. I really never had real friends. So I thank them for being by my side and making me feel at least some happiness with life. Without them I probably wouldn't even be here today. So thank you guys! I love you! You guys mean the world to me even though we have our ups and downs and we all fight and get mad at each other over dumb stuff.

At 24. I decided to finally put my foot down and not care what anyone thinks. I came out to my dad and my sister is some what okay with it but they are still kinda transphobic, homophobic in a way. But I don't care. I am happier now even though some nights I lay in my room and have thoughts in my head and it makes me cry because of my body image and me being to masculine and not having breast. I am starting to make steps. I am starting to call a doctor for horomone's and I am kinda nervous. But I do hope everything goes well for my future and I am proud of finally coming out and being who I am today! <3

Also sorry If I suck at explaining all my feelings in this post. I kinda suck at explaining my feelings to people. :/ I will be adding more later.

-Kayla