kbakkila - Tumblr blog

[kbakkila]

This month is suicide prevention awareness month. This year, it is even more relevant to me than previous years. After already losing 4 family members to suicide, I had my own attempt last month. I am so very thankful to be alive. Please, if you are struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, reach out for help. This world needs you. Whether or not you believe it, there is a reason you are here. Much love ❤

[kbakkila]

I feel so, so sad. When will this end?

[kbakkila]

After struggling with depression for the last 15 years, I finally decided to quit. To stop fighting. To give up.

A week and a half ago, I took an overdose in an attempt to end my life.

However, it was not my time.

I still feel sad. And hopeless. AND I'm grateful to be alive.

Don't give up. You have more life to live. ❤

[kbakkila]

I was told today that I have the tools necessary to prevent a relapse. And yes, I truly believe I do. But what happens when the motivation to succeed is non-existent?

[kbakkila]

I remember, in the height of my recovery, speaking about how "breathtakingly beautiful" life is---like the spectacular view that you get at the top of a mountain. And while life many times IS spectacularly beautiful, sometimes I forget that storms do rage, even at the tops of mountains. It it's not uncommon for there to be fierce, threatening storms that make their way through our lives sometimes---although, as we know to be true, many times they are followed by rainbows. It is important to notice when life is good, and be thankful and relish in those times, but to also remember that hard times do come. Life is like the weather---ever-changing. I'm learning, slowly, to embrace the good times, and hold on firmly during the bad times---awaiting the next rainbow.

[kbakkila]

Going to bed at 6:45 pm because sleeping is easier than living.

[kbakkila]

This is my thigh. My beautiful, strong, functioning thigh. I took this picture after a long bike ride that I took today. Sure, there's the cellulite, stretch marks, and scars that are ever present. I am human---this is normal. But what my thighs did for me today, and everyday, prove just how wonderfully powerful they are. I'm forever thankful for my perfectly imperfect thighs. ❤

[kbakkila]

[kbakkila]

[kbakkila]

Sad. But hopeful.

[kbakkila]

This would’ve made for a great Vine

[kbakkila]

[kbakkila]

What happens when everything you once knew to be fact is suddenly questioned? How does one continue living in lies?

[kbakkila]

The sun will come out

[kbakkila]

[kbakkila]

I try to stay positive and have a good outlook on things. Usually it's genuine. But tonight, I feel sad. And I think it's ok to share that emotion, too---after all, no emotion is bad. So I'm putting it out there---I'm having a rough night. But that's ok, too---it doesn't mean that tomorrow can't be a wonderful day. Allowing myself to cry tonight in hopes for a better tomorrow.

[kbakkila]