keemx4

[keemx4]

falling for someone makes you become so neglectful towards everything. the only thing you care about is this person's presence. it's as if any uphill battle can wait for the time being while they are there. their presence is healing even if at some point this person has been able to bring you to your lowest.

i've missed gatherings, events with family and all these things just for him. and it sounds terrible when put in writing, it's not an excuse but i promise that these chemical reactions take such a powerful toll on you, you think what you're doing and the decisions that you're making are rational at the root. those are the sacrifices you are willing to make. i wish life was not so difficult that you always need to prioritise what seems more important to you at the time but when you grow up you realize that you need to make many difficult decisions along the way. i never thought that i would ever again be willing to sacrifice so much for this boy, who still doesn't know what he wants and has made my brain spiral more than i could have ever imagined.

i don't know if we ever fully forgive and i don't know where my compromise should stop. but i never ever have the feeling towards him that makes him appear in an annoying or intolerable light. so far, i've enjoyed seeing every layer of him unravel to me like it never has before. i don't think he's shown these parts of himself to anyone else. i get to see the depths of his heart and i get to show the softness of my own heart to him. we've been through so many difficult situations and angsty moods and yet we've found our ways back to one another regardless of it all.

i hate that i still care for him because i've tried to make myself believe that that is no longer possible. and yet, here i am, i feel like at the end of the day i will always care for him still. as much as i tried hating him it's because i love him so much that i need so much convincing in my head that i still love him so dearly.

[keemx4]

I have no clue who i am or who i should be. I have no clue of who i want to be and how i want to be. I’m not really getting through any groundbreaking revelations to help me figure that out but i’m just there.

[keemx4]

i'm having the craziest dreams about the floor breaking underneath my feet. i guess it really is reflecting my emotions subconsciously of having so little control that i can't even situate myself safely anywhere. i wish this stopped happening. i just want to have peace. i want to be able to focus on what is right in front of me and not be so focused on the past.

i just wish it wasn't this difficult to grasp. life is too complex and i guess you don't have to process everything you observe. i just want to spend time with someone who i feel comfortable with. i know exactly who that is and why i want it. but you can't have everything you want and the tip of your fingers. sometimes you have to go through the rough patches before it gets better. i just want to have a safe haven. somewhere where the rest of the world just blurs into the background. it's a feeling you cannot make with someone that doesn't care for you. it's special. once you feel that serene simply by having someone around, you never want that feeling to fade away. if i could adequately explain it, i would. but some people are just there to exist on a surface level. you can't really talk to them about what's on your mind because their experiences are so different. you might think that you are talking about the same stuff but in the end you are having two completely unrelated conversations because those perspectives are so different. it doesn't matter how old you are, some people just seem to never grow up, they are still a great 5 year old in their head. some people are 23 and still don't eat their vegetables.

i don't like that i have this urge to evaluate everything that everyone does to me so intensely. i wish it were just as it is and no underlying messages in the spaces between. i feel like i am living in the past and yet constantly dreading the future at the same time. is there a way out of it, i am tired, so tired of feeling so low. i wish i could just be.

[keemx4]

what the actual fuck. picking up the scraps of what is left from my life. the anxiety, the head rushes. having to rebuild everything that i am. not having anyone to talk about it drives me insane. frustrating as can be. i hate that people are like this. little bitches. with underlying desires to fuck you over and deem themselves the winner in it all. makes me gag, makes me feel disgusting.

i talked to someone who is not related to anything that has happened in my life and it seems refreshing to hear an opinion, which explains why things are the way they are. explained to me why women are witches and snakes. i don't understand how they expect me to forgive them and move on. also, why do they think that i am already over it, that all is swell and that i don't have nightmares about it. i guess in some way it is painful to realize it is no one else but your friends doing stupid shit like this. it hurts like hell and no one really understands that until they are placed in such a position themselves.

i don't know where to start in rebuilding myself because all that these people have done is destruction. it makes it seem pointless to try with someone new, since it feels like there is this never ending loop of repeated behaviour by everyone you are surrounded by.

i'm done trying and fighting with the same people over and over again. perhaps the best thing for me to do is find people worthy of my time, since clearly my values have shifted in a different way comparing to the people i used to consider closest to me. all they do is self destruct in the worst ways possible and try to bring as many people down with them.

and well interacting with new people is exactly what i am doing these days. it's nice, it's refreshing. ahh, to be in contact with people who have not made your cry over the worst stuff. i guess it's nice to start fresh, to not be labelled as the girl who went through this awful experience because her friends are douches. anyways, i don't cry about what happened anymore but i still think about it not when i want to but when my mind tells me it's time. i guess the longer i am by myself, the better i manage move past this chapter and learn how to operate as an individual who is not reliant on people who do not care at all. i hope i find peace and am able to fully look past it for my own benefit. i hate that people are capable of putting you in such circumstances.

[keemx4]

You know what? That’s it! I’ve moved past it. It no longer makes me feel resentful, it no longer makes me miss something long gone. I just feel free of the responsibility to care about it. There is no longer that heaviness surrounding the questioning of whether I made the right decision or not. I just realized it doesn’t matter to me anymore, it doesn’t hold such significance to me any longer. It’s just something that was but it is not the highlighted of my life or the greatest point of my being. It can now peacefully bring itself to the background of my trail. It no longer is the first thing I think about morning and evening. It’s just something that occassionally pops up in my brain but it doesn’t bring overbearing emotions to me. It no longer seems as something that has left me in pieces. It’s like I’ve finally found peace. With myself and the circumstances. I’m okay that I am moving past it and nothing will be as it was. I feel like I have allowed myself to heal and go through all of the emotions necessary to fully get it out of my system. I don’t do things to impress anyone anymore, i do it for me. I don’t need a person’s validation to feel myself in me. I realize that there is more to life than living up to someone’s standard of who you should be. I have never felt so in peace with it before.

It just shows to me that it takes time but if you let time pass, you’ll get better. The waiting process is harsh most of the time but eventually you no longer have to wait! One day you wake up and you feel like you have only your own expectations to live with. You are surrounded with people who want better for you and who are willing to strive with you instead of putting you down for who you are and who you want to be. It has taken me a while to get here. Partially, I recognized that I had moved past that point of my life completely is when I realized I have started caring about others around me to an extent that I thought I could never again. There is someone who wants me around and is willing to fight and stay and well, it wasn’t you. Someone who cares eventually comes along and shows you what it means to be cared for and appreciated. And thank god for that! I feel at peace with letting you go! You never really wanted me around that much anyway! You’ll find someone to suit yourself and so will I! We’ll do good and find our own way in this world without one another.

[keemx4]

I just want to give him everything and anything even if it means over stepping my boundaries in some ways. Love makes you do things you could have never seemed to imagine doing.

[keemx4]

your friends say you are naive. initially you seem like a little ray of sunshine trying to improve the wellbeing of those around you. but once we got to know you, you were constantly pushing over boundaries that should not be pushed. you were really testing our limits to see at what extents we break. you are not a destroyer we can see coming but when everything comes crashing down because of things you do, i think that is my personal limit. i do not know who you linger on and i wonder. because to my understanding you've gradually hurt nearly anyone you were close with.

do you recognize how much damage you would have to cope with if i told our friends about the things you do when next to me? how your nonexisting morals take action? mistakes are mistakes but i am not sure if i can excuse this one. you' ve hurt one too many by now.

i always hoped the best of you. even if your actions were questionable i always tried to find reasons to believe that you made the right decision in the given circumstances. but once you start getting personally affected by this dumbassery, it is time to walk away. i do not want my faith to be put in your hands, you clearly won't know what to do with something so precious. it seems like long-lasting aspirations and connections are not of great value to you.

i could write about you every day for a while because of the disappointment i feel. you caused me such an enormous amount of pain that i have to carry with me now.

[keemx4]

i love you so much that i am willing to overlook the pain you put me through. i don't know if i am making the right decision but i sure as hell am willing to try to cooperate on you with this one. maybe it is just a bump in the road and eventually i will be able to look past it as a minor thing that made us strive towards each other more and more every day.

[keemx4]

it is nice to have friends with morals. in your free time do whatever you want but, please, don't end up hurting those that trust you and have faith in you. i have been in so much pain on a constant daily basis that i am concerned with what will happen to me if i will be left alone. there is so much for me to understand and i need time to gradually move into a direction that will help me feel better.

i miss not having this concern in mind at all times. trust is very difficult to repair and often it might not even occur at all. it is so difficult to move past those painful events. it takes time but it takes so much time sometimes that you feel like you will never escape this feeling. it seems as if it is nearly impossible to recover from this ache in my heart right now. it takes up so much of my time to properly evaluate in and come to the answer of whether i am willing to move on with such betrayal. i know we are all kids. but there are some lines that should not be crossed, some lines that i would not have expected those closest to me to cross. i cannot grow with appreciation for the beauty of life if i have to proceed recovering from these painful moments that destroy your understanding of how things should be. you feel like you lack something. you feel like you are not good enough, as if something were wrong with how you are as a person.

so much has changed, and in some ways, maybe for the better. but i have to acknowledge that nothing will ever be the same as it was. my life took a crazy change of direction. i guess it's my lesson to not ignore a person's lack of morals and empathy of how their actions can affect others. it disgusts me so much i feel like my insides are spinning like the water in a dishwasher. i do not wish this feeling upon anyone. so vivid, so clear and so horrifying. i hope this feeling does not feel forever. i do not know if i can live forever feeling like i am not enough when i am doing the most to be the best version of myself. it hurts so much that my words cannot explain.

i talked to a friend of mine about trust towards others and he said that he remembers the day so distinctly when he was betrayed. even when it has happened already six years ago, he still thinks of it every day. it not only puts you in disbelief that people's actions can align with their words but also leaves you with this sense that you can no longer trust a single soul and that everyone will end up hurting you if you put your trust in their hands.

hurts to hear it but it can leave a wound much greater than you could ever anticipate.

[keemx4]

if i had something to give, i would give it all to you. there are no ways for me to thank you enough for making me the person that i am today. i would buy you everything you wanted and with all my heart be at my best behaviour and come to you with love and kindness. i want to show you how much i appreciate you and how much you mean to me. i want to show you that i care with every particle of my being. if there is one way for me to say thank you, i have to start with moving this love forward, spreading your kindness and empathy and caring for those around me the way you have always cared for me. i love you endlessly and i wish there were more ways for me to show you that.

[keemx4]

you are making me question myself. i have nightmares because of what you made me go through. the despair, the panic, the worry, it tears me to shreds. i feel like i have to estimate your every step in my head for me to not be put in the same situation again. rebuilding trust is a long road that many choose not to take. i end up questioning whether i have made the right decision, do such actions deserve a second chance?

i wish there were answers to all of my questions but unfortunately i don't even have anyone to engage in a debate of such kind. i don't want anyone to change their perception of you just because of one mistake but me keeping it all to myself makes it intolerable. i am in constant dread of how the future will turn out. these mistakes happen so often and yet there is no one right answer how to deal with it? should there be compromise, can it be forgiven?

i could have never imagined feeling like this and being put in such an upsetting situation by someone so dear. i guess things like these occur when you expect them the least. it is always whilst you are distracted by something lesser when external forces push you into a state of crisis, where all you want to do is run. run away and never look back. no person should cause such havoc that you tremble in bed at 4am. having a panic attack at for three hours in the middle of the night is not something i recommend. i have never been in a greater state of panic before. for me there was no solution that would lead to an outcome i would be satisfied with. i have lost a close friend and have lost faith in many because of it. so much to repair, so much to have on a constant loop in my mind. just as i started moving past 2020 and 2021, here i am with a whole mess of a situation to begin 2022 with.

it makes me wonder, can you ever trust anyone if the people closest to you can decide to cause such harm to you? can you fully feel secure in someone's arms besides your own? i know our soul only grows from the pain and suffering but right now the lesson i learned is that you cannot let anyone too close or else you'll suffer.

maybe it's slow and steady karma, what you give is what you get.

there are some things that i have to take to the grave. we all have skeletons in our closets. but sometimes keeping quiet is the best way to not hurt anyone.

i heard that you should tell the truth, even if it leads to your death and i guess we are all selfish in this sense. we all want what is best for us. and now we both have dirt on each other. information that we better keep our mouths shut about. we have secrets on each other that will affect so many people who were involved. should we live i constant fear?

ahh so blissful, to not be aware that your secret is in my hands. how my perception of who you are has changed. you, the person who could do no wrong in my view. all of it, gone. i see you as filthy, i see you as a homewrecker, i see you as a person who has not solved a single one of their issues and compensates with substance abuse combined with a craving of attention from people who are to naive to comprehend. i want you out of my life completely. i don't want to see your face in sight, i don't want to hear a single word of you, it disgusts me, it brings me back to what you did. what you did is the last straw. i do not need people who betray you in such a shallow manner. is the craving for attention so strong you are willing to ruin your closest friendships to get it? are you that miserable in your head already that you need to cause such harm to others and not take accountability for your actions? i don't want people pushing such misery on me. i can't believe you are hoping everything would be fine after this. i hope the guilt eats you inside out. i hope you cannot live with how you have hurt me. i hope it makes you go insane to not be able to tell anyone about it because you know it is too late for control damage anyways. i hope you feel the frustration of having to keep quiet because honey, this attention you got did not come for free. i hope you pay the repercussions because you ruined a part of my life that will never be whole again. i will never get back what i once had. now forever i will be stuck with anxious thoughts and an even greater urge to control everything occurring around me.

people do not deserve such pain caused by those who can't deal with themselves in any proper manner. this kind of behaviour will lead you nowhere, you can try, you can climb but it will lead to your fall.

it makes me furious that you don't take any accountability. you expect these things to just slip by but if this isn't your wake up call then i don't know what will be. if this doesn't make you realize that your actions have consequences then it's truly a lost cause. i wish you feel the pain that i have to feel because of you. how fortunate that you weren't in my position because it hurts day in day out. constant dread that what i have will not work out because of the intrusive thoughts you have caused me to have. you have led to so much damage and now i have to work on repair. thank you

[keemx4]

i have to rebuild trust. i am scared of participating in a number of collective events alongside having endless conversations about how to go around it. i am worried and the misery is consuming me to an extent where i fear telling anyone about the incident. it will change their perceptions of me and everyone else involved. i cannot function in a group as before because i am in constant dread of something going wrong again. it is not just a reminder of the past but a warning sign of how it will be affecting my future. it is so annoying to not be able to enjoy things in the same way due to fear, due to anxiety that you will be betrayed even if standing right by. i wish there was someone who could listen and assist me in this but I know that people have very strong opinions on this and currently i am surely not ready to hear everyone's 2 cents. hopefully, we can find a way to learn from it but it will require immense adaptations for that to be done.

[keemx4]

sometimes talking to your parents might come to beneficial conclusions. there are events and circumstances that you have lived through together with your family members that others might not be able to comprehend and understand the hurt that these moments have left you with. sometimes acknowledging this and using the opportunity to discuss this with your family is so crucial to find peace within. if you conversate about these matters with friends or acquaintances, you put yourself in a very fragile position, where the other person can utilize this information against you in one way or another. unfortunately, i learn this lesson time and time again. be careful with the information you give to those around you, even if in the moment they are very close to you. you never know how quickly things can change and how easily people can turn on you. who knows what your best friend is capable of doing in the heat of the moment.

overall, i am glad to be growing this connection to family to strengthen the ties and develop trust in each other.

[keemx4]

we will never be friends again

[keemx4]

we start again

we start again from the beginning

we start with taking baby steps

day by day

because darling,

it will get better with time

[keemx4]

i have to start with acknowledging my suffering

our love is tainted and i have to choose the path it takes

i know both sides of the story, because i unfortunately had to experience it all in real time

oh you little kid

you think you can run away from this

you think it does not come back

you think that if you don't bring it up, it has not happened

oh my dear but a girl can feel it

should i have been more suspicious

should i have expected this from the start?

was it an unlucky card from day one?

had it been gone before it ever came?

had it been ruined before it even started?

[keemx4]

unfortunately, my love, our spirit doesn't learn from the happiness, it learns from the pain