keifyseadragon

[keifyseadragon]

I just wonder why I cleaned up my life, sobered up, walked the right path, worked hard, was always on time, pulled my weight, tried to put others before self, and kept my word only to wind up homeless and hopeless once again.

[keifyseadragon]

Thoughts, 12/2/2024

I'm really struggling with life right now. I had to move back in with my family in 2022 after fleeing Colorado following reporting my former employer for sex trafficking and rape (also morphine distribution), and it's not been good. My father yells at me calling me a liar when I mention being raped, denies ever saying it, tells me nobody likes me, calls me mentally ill if I bring up stuff he's said. My mother does the same, I have her recorded cussing me out saying some really hurtful things which to this day she denies and calls "mental illness". If I so much as bring up how this is traumatic or abusive, my parents just get angry at me trying to punish me with consequences for bringing up how they traumatized me. I'm about to be homeless as a result. I asked my father why he said he had no empathy for me and blamed me for online transphobia and people telling me to commit suicide and he decided, knowing I had no money, to evict me. It's winter, it's cold. I'm trans, I'm a rape victim. I'm scared for my life. He doesn't care. He got angry at me once for being in fear of the drug dealing rapist pimp I reported coming to kill me for revenge. It's really abusive. My family is really abusive but they don't care. My father tells people I'm somehow a liar, crazy, make things up, and not to listen to me when I speak about his verbal and psychological abuse. As a result, I've started to self harm every day and isolate. I'm not schizophrenic, people just use that term to gaslight me and avoid accountability for the ways they abuse me. I can have proof that someone did or said something and people will get angry at me calling it mental illness blaming me. I can't take this abuse. The online hate is non-stop, I'm isolated in life, widely hated, and people enjoy how miserable my life is. I told the truth about the rapist, they have other victims. The police believed me, thank God, but... my family doesn't. Feels like suicide is my only option. Just another statistic.

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Saint Jellyfish Exhorter by seok young choi

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Thoughts, part 3.

Back in 2017 I attempted suicide by cop, and was given a second change to clean up my life. So, I transitioned (male to female), quit drinking, and tried to walk the right path. Yet, another night goes by where I'm self harming with nobody to trust. I reported a mass shooter in 2021 who had expressed a desire to target a police station or federal building. The guy has a tattoo of a police officer being murdered on his arm, he owns multiple firearms (7.62 AR, 12 ga shotgun, .45 handgun, body armor, ...). He was never arrested, and I have to live in constant fear I'll see him one day on the news. Sadly, because I'm prone to self harm, some try to flip the report back on me or argue that I'm somehow "mentally ill" and call it fake. It's real. Very real. I've got so much hate for not hating the police. Almost every time I've said good things about LEOs I get swarmed with hate. Yet, even though I hurt myself when that happens, some choose to try to flip what I said about Sammie (mass shooter) back on me. Hell, people got angry at me for thanking law enforcement for help during dark times. Since 2022 some on Reddit have accused me of being paid by the CIA to post online, which, I've explained a few times to be untrue. I'm not paid by the CIA, and had a disclaimer in my bio that I was not affiliated with the U.S. government. Still, some use things from back in 2017 when people were gaslighting me into thinking I somehow worked at the government on a drug binge to argue that I'm somehow crazy now? What the fuck? The first time I fell for it, this time? No, too wise for that now.

In 2020 at the sandwich shop I mentioned in an earlier post, 3 coworkers messed with a police officer's food. I didn't laugh, I didn't take part. I even apologized to the officer for their behavior knowing he shouldn't have had to deal with it. Yet, if I mention it people only get angry at me calling me a liar, calling me crazy, the usual. I guess I just wonder why I cleaned up my life for nothing. In September of 2022 I reported someone giving out my SnapChat information to people I didn't know having them solicit me for sex against my will. The police didn't even investigate. That was the day a rape/sex trafficking case I was the victim in was presented to the DA's office. If investigated, could it have changed things? Who knows. I'm happy I transitioned, but find myself wondering why I got sober and chose a new path. All I've got is hate for it. I don't have many friends, and often get grouped up on by people talking shit. I'm on my own. I kept a pinky promise only to wind up widely hated, without support, and feeling forced to commit suicide from life stressors and online hate.

If I'd not reported Sammie I'd have forever felt guilt. On the flip side, for reporting him, I lost friends, support, and more. It just feels pointless. Whatever, another night of self harm. Nobody cares. People laughed when I got raped, they laughed when I faced workplace transphobia, people laugh because I live in fear for my life. There's no hope. Just darkness. Since I risked my life to report that mass shooter and only got hate, another night of self harm since apparently I never deserved love or support.

[keifyseadragon]

Thoughts, part 2.

Thoughts...

The recent presidential election has me nervous, especially as the GOP gloats of how Project 2025 was their plan the entire time. I voted for Harris, anticipating just that happening if Trump won. Lo and behold... Hard not to fear an incoming wave of anti-LGBT bills, a loss of progress regarding civil rights, and continued targeted political attacks. Oddly enough, roughly 40% of the GOP is actually against Republicans targeting the overall LGBT community. Still, extremist ideology and rhetoric permeate the membranes of social discourse and spread like wildfire. Similar is also happening in Europe, which is highly concerning. Deutsche Welle, a German media organization, had published an article detailing the backlash to LGBT rights in Europe. While published in September of 2023, it remains incredibly relevant. The article details the Russian role in promoting homophobia and transphobia in an attempt to erode democracy in more developed nations. Russia alone provided roughly one quarter of the $768 M funding anti-gender activities in the EU between 2009-2018. Russia's gay propaganda law influenced legislation in both Hungary and Poland, and may have inspired the "Don't say Gay" law in Florida. It's frustrating, I got into NAFO, in part, to fight the transphobic disinformation coming from Russian media spaces targeting the LGBT community. I'd once argued that online echo chambers create real world violence, only to have other trans people get very upset calling the argument transphobic thinking it somehow called identity a debate. Nowhere did I call identity a debate, as that was not my point. I was saying that much like how incel communities have a documented radicalization pipeline that creates misogynistic violence and mass killings that a similar thing can be observed targeting LGBT people. Hate filled echo chambers lead to violence like the tragedies at Club Q and PULSE. All of this is the byproduct of heated online debate on the topics of gender, sexuality, transgender rights, and gender equality. Back in 2022 I argued that there was an increase in anti-LGBT hate crimes, to which a bisexual person argued I was somehow incorrect. Data for 2022 and 2023 confirmed my point to be factual, rather than being fearmongering or paranoid. I just wonder why when I, a trans woman, provide my own insights into the threats faced by the LGBT community how people just argue the opposite of what I say or mock me. There is a real link between online hate and real world violence, it's just a fact. For trying to fight Russian backed anti-LGBT narratives I've had slurs hurled at me, been told to end my life, been called a man countless times, faced harassment, and even at one point had a cyber stalker. Yet none of this is apparent to people who think everything I go through is somehow not real. I got death threats from a Trump supporter this year, but I'm sure to other people it's "fake" and any fear I have for my safety "paranoia". Whatever, it's all for nothing. I get so much right wing hate and left wing people don't stand up for me when I need it. I mentioned the online hate to a nurse and the doctor ended my gender affirming coverage and care (I had to find a new provider). The doctor didn't ask to see proof of the online hate, to him it wasn't real. I tried to hang myself not long after, as someone had told me to "jump" (hang myself) when I argued hormones saved lives. Since my provider ended my care, I did what I was told since I had no community, no support, and nobody gave a shit. My own father said he had no empathy for me when people told me to end my life because I'm transgender, he blamed me for the online hate I got. Too much stress. No love. This is a cold world. People ignore every pro-LGBT thing I say looking for a reason to laugh at me, argue, or talk shit. Life is miserable. Another day of self harm. I've been on HRT since 2019, and came out in 2017. It's not new. Additional Reading:

LGBTQ community: Is there a backlash in Europe? | https://www.dw.com/en/lgbtq-community-is-there-a-backlash-in-europe/a-66675016 (September 2, 2023) REPORT ON FIMI THREATS | FIMI targeting LGBTIQ+ people: Well-informed analysis to protect human rights and diversity | https://www.eeas.europa.eu/sites/default/files/documents/2023/EEAS-LGBTQ-Report.pdf (October 2023) Russia’s War on Woke Putin Is Trying to Unite the Far Right and Undermine the West | https://www.foreignaffairs.com/united-states/russias-war-woke (January 2, 2024) Germany's trans community battles right-wing falsehoods | https://www.dw.com/en/germanys-trans-community-battles-right-wing-falsehoods/a-68065874 (January 24, 2024) What Project 2025 could mean for LGBTQ+ Americans | https://www.axios.com/2024/11/07/project-2025-lgbtq-rights (November 7, 2024) Hate crime data:

FBI crime statistics show anti-LGBTQ hate crimes on the rise | https://thehill.com/homenews/lgbtq/4259292-fbi-crime-statistics-show-anti-lgbtq-hate-crimes-on-the-rise/ (October 16, 2023) FBI reports increase in anti-LGBTQ hate crimes | https://thehill.com/homenews/lgbtq/4897184-fbi-anti-lgbtq-hate-crimes/ (September 24, 2024)

[keifyseadragon]

Thoughts.

Why was I wrongly labeled transphobic after reporting rape and sex trafficking? I do not call the rapist a man. I told the rapist how in the past people have wrongly labeled me "schizophrenic" to get away with harming me, and how it led to self harm. Yet, when I reported that's basically what the rapist did to deny everything and deflect blame. So, I just wonder how my use of gender neutral pronouns to reference them is seen as the problem not the rape. Again, I do not call the rapist a man. If they can't show me enough respect to admit what they did to me, and acknowledge the harm done, why do I get punished for not showing them respect? People are angrier at me for reporting than they are at the rapist for raping me. When this comes to my mind I also reflect back on working at a sandwich shop in 2020, where I faced workplace transphobia. I posted about it online, on Reddit, because I was fairly isolated in life at the time. Even though a coworker confirmed my story to be true, I got ganged up on and downvoted by people calling it fake. I just feel like whenever something bad happens to me people seek to punish me for speaking about it. Why? The time I explained to a trans man (FtM) how I'm into cis men only and he called me transphobic is on my mind. How? I saw him as a man, not a woman. I didn't insult his manhood. I respected him as a man, just one I wasn't interested in sexually, and he called me a man. Yet, I was the one labeled as transphobic in the end. I once said how I don't like being called "dude" only for other trans people to all group up on me saying it aggressively to trigger me. Which, led to lots of self harm. I never got an apology, nobody felt bad. Yet, for calling the rapist "they" some have wished suffering and pain on me. I'm self harming again. Suicidal. Isolated. Hated. I get so much hate from the right wing calling me a man, telling me to end my life. But I'm sure it's all somehow "fake" to all of you. The left wing hate I get is also miserable. Perhaps language policing victims while failing to police your own language is hypocritical. All my pro-LBGT points I've argued for years have been ignored and overlooked. Why. I argued HRT saved lives, that not all trans people were predators... for what? To wind up outcast from my own community? Another day of self harm. I have nobody.

[keifyseadragon]

©️nonotnow photography.

📷Canon EOS 1100D

🔭EF-S55-250mm f4-5.6 IS II

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This new dress is 🥰

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All the stars

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My newest painting! My first hexagon painting. "Mysterychip," imagined as some kind of surreal "macrochip" for the universe, like the computer component inserted into reality to generate wonder, mysteries, and miracles.

For sale here:

https://www.etsy.com/.../hexagonal-psychedelic-painting

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Koho Shoda , Moonlit Sea

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State of California, San Francisco promotional movie, 1950s

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Paul Lehr, visionary & influential science fiction artist 1930-1998

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Gaganendranath Tagore (Indian, 1867-1938) - Bed of Arrows (Bhishma), Watercolor and gouache on paper laid on cardboard, 39.30 x 50.00 cm (1922)

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Nanonight

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Computer art by Jim Hoffman (1981) From Future Life magazine Aug 1981

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Unknown, from Scroll of Mudras, Japan, Heian period (794–1185). The Metropolitan Museum of Art