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Empire Recap Episode 10 : I-P-Oh No He Didn’t!

1. There are background vocals in “Shake Down.” Mary J. is up there doing her thing. Lucius is at the piano, sangin. But Sway, who is singing the background vocals?! Btw... unless she’s in the finale, that Mary J. Blige cameo was so damn random.

2. So we not gonna talk about why Jamaal hair looks like the black and curly version of  Mr. Heat Miser from the “Year without Santa Claus” claymation movie? Oh. Ok.

3. **SPOILER ALERT** If you haven’t realized by now, Lucius had sex with Olivia and that baby is probably his. This particular plot line is so damn predictable.

4. Mental illness is real. Very real. I know from experience. And black folk need to stop ignoring it. Which is why I’m happy with the way the issue is presented in this episode.

5. Lawd...Jennifer Hudson. Still talking out those lines...smh. Still love her though.

6. Where the hell did Andre go bipolar disorder shopping for all that tacky ass sh*t? Canal Street? Who was gonna wear that sequined hat? Who?!

7. So you mean to tell me...at one point or another,  both Hakeem and Jamaal went through a hightop box phase? Just at varying points in their  African American lives. I guess style really is eternal. LOL.

8. Lucuis STAYS sh*tting on his CLOSEST employees. The ones who know his deepest secrets. For a strategic businessman...this continues to baffle my mind.

9. Malcolm: “I’ve been disloyal to my commander...That is a serious breach of every oath I’ve ever sworn.” BRUUUUH. You’re no longer in the military. And Lucius Lyon ain’t POTUS. You work for a private family business, and are paid with a check every two weeks. Taxes are taken out by the state of NY, the city of NYC (assuming you live in the city) and the Federal govt of the United States. Stop. Saying. That. Sh*t. You better put your hand in the Cookie jar and stop playin.

10. Remember... whatever Cookie wants... Cookie gets. And she’s gettin her some Malcolm. Watch.

11. So...Ryan is dumb as heeeeeeeeeell. And here’s why : The NY State Marriage Equality Act passed in 2011. Let’s say he did stay with Jamaal. Kinda co-parent L-O-L-A (that song is...sigh...clearly a filler)...and eventually marry Jamaal. Jamaal is about to have GUAP after this IPO launches (given the market reacts well). And given he marries Jamaal with no prenup (because Jamaal seems too sentimental to have one drawn up)... if Ryan wanted to THEN leave... He coulda walked away with half. ::forehead smack:: Ryan... you fool.

12. Damn, Reggie didn’t even let Olivia get her stuff off the damn bus.

13. And how in the hell did she think she wasn’t going to be spotted in that bright ass sea foam green velvet coat?! You asked for that one Olivia...

14. In my professional opinion  (producing and direction photo shoots for product and branding purposes)... I didn’t see ONE SHOT Ole Camilla snapped of Hakeem... that could be used in promo material. Bahahaha. Such a waste of time.

15. Meanwhile I’m over here side-eyeing the HELL out of the Antony and Cleopatra reference. Why? Cause both of them tragically died in the end. Lawd...

16. Ronda.. that dress, ma’am. I might not like you... but you baaaaaad.

17. Wait... I LITERALLY just said “Whatever Cookie wants...cookie gets...” a few comments above. I be knowing...y’all. Hahaha *pats self on the back*

18. I really hope Lucius asks Cookie to marry him. And I really hope Cookie says no. Lucius ain’t sh*t. And he ain’t neva gonna be sh*t.

19. Vernon’s shirt-tie-pocket square game is so........... interesting.

20. This episode is boring y’all... I guess they had to tie up loose ends before the finale.

21. “Uh, Carol girl... you know I told you...” bahahahaha. Just when I was about to fall asleep, Cookie pulls me back in. Do all black women know how to flip the sneaky script so effortlessly?

22. I legit busted out laughing when Hakeem and Camilla walked in and Cookie said “Y’all all coordinated...” hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Clearly a read. And absolutely HILARIOUS!

23. And then watch Lucius’ face when Cookie says “See Lucius, you just gotta coordinate.” He CLEARLY wants to laugh. Maaaaaaan. Cookie saves the got damn day again!

24. Didn’t I tell you Camilla’s pictures of Hakeem ain’t bout to do NOTHING for his brand? Look closely when she flips through them on her Kindle...lol

25. “She says we’re like the new ANTHONY (Antony is the correct name btw) and Cleopatra.” Cookie’s “Chiiiiiiiiiilllllllle” MADE. ME. HOLLER!!!!!! I think I might’ve replayed it maybe 10 times. I’m CUH-RACKING-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

26. LOVE THIS SONG! And it’s sooooooo believable. Good job Hakeem. I loathe your presence a little less. But...Camilla girl... that “yea that’s right tell em baby” needs to be ERASED from the record. I KNOW Camilla wasn’t trynna tell Lucius the context of the song is “deep.” Bahahaha. All I know is when Lucius said “come into my study...” it was the end of Camilla. Bye girl.

27. Lucius said... “And...I’m not judging just from your lil accent.” Haha. Lucius, you’re just gonna dismiss homegirl’s entire life? Ahahaha. “God didn’t need no help, and neither do I.” I get what you’re saying Lucius... but... let’s not start comparing ourselves to God.

28. Some little girls get rocked to sleep with a sweet lullaby. Lola get’s a Rap-R&B concert... “whoa-oh!” I don’t know HOW she fell asleep. I would’ve been like... PLEEEEEEASE get out! And cut that light off. And shut that door...

29. Don’t you just love when the real Naomi Campbell shines through?  When Camilla gest shady, she’s a pit viper. “And in six months, you’ll be rotting in a wheelchair like a vegetable...with a colostomy back trailing behind you. You are a disgusting despicable human being. I wish you a miserable death. Go to hell.” I guess she TOLD him. Bahahaha @ Lucius’ response though: Bye girl. :-) ::smiles::

30. Just to clarify, Ronda came from NOTHING. Just white privilege folks. But this is foul... dammit Lucius. You just can’t do NOTHING right by your family. Oh...hey Olivia and... Reggie (I think that’s his name). If I were Lucius, I woulda WHOOPED VERNON’S ASS.

31. Finally, an actually SONG. Jennifer Hudson’s voice is still powerful and amazing. And the message is wonderful! You don’t have to give up folks!

32. Baybayyyyy when Jennifer Hudson locked them doors... got down on the floor...pushed her head/face up to Andre’s and said... “pray with me...” I SCREEEEEEEEEEEAMED! 1. I didn’t expect that at all! 2. Don’t NOBODY pray like that!

33. Now Jamaal... bruh... did you really think you were gonna take Reggie? Seriously...smh...

34. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd! WHAT DID I SAY?????? LUCIUS IS LOLA’S DADDY!!!!! If Reggie would’ve killed Lucius right there, I really wouldn’t have been mad. Cookie would’ve been the head of Empire... and everyone would’ve been happy.

35. Damn! Malcolm shot the HELL out of Reggie.

36. Lucius asked Cookie to take him back. Cookie said no. Y’all, I fulfilled three prophecies during this recap. Might add “Evangelist” to my name!

37. And the episode with Cookie going away with Malcolm. Again...as predicted.

LEAVE A COMMENT IN COMMENT BOX BELOW

Thank goodness for the second half of this episode. Next week is the finale... and it’s two hours long. So the recap is gonna be two times as long. I’m ready. Are you?!

[kelechiakalu-blog]

Empire Recap Episode 9 : Goodbye Boo Boo Kitty!

Does Cookie know how to make an entrance, or what? And I know that's right. Cookie walked all up in that damn wedding planning session. "Excuuuse me! You in the middle of gettin yo ass GONE!" Bahahahaha

She called that white woman "Fake ass Jackie-O." *dead* And that white woman had some damn good sense. She didn't ask a single question. She gathered up her paperwork and her powerpoint presentation and scuttled out the door.

::stutters:: "Oh, now you can't speak English?!" CLASSIC BLACK MAMA GETTIN SOMEBODY TOGETHER LINE!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Porsha! "And I spied right back on yo ass!" Porsha got a check, and she CHECKED Boo-Boo Kitty's ass too! I knew Porsha wouldn't do Cookie dirty like that.

"Let's go grab this hoe clothes. Help her move out..." Yall... This show hasn't been on 5 minutes and I'm here ROLLING!!!!!!!!!!!

Cookie: "Porsha, phone check!" Porsha: "Lemme get that!"  Bahahaha. Yup. Sorry Anika. That's Empire's property too, ma'am.

Alright... so "All of the Above." Let's discuss. The song itself: Brilliant. Honestly, the music keeps getting better and better each week. Reminds me of the "Beautiful Ones" remake with Mariah Carey and Dru Hill. Plus, I could hear this joint on the radio. I've already added it to my "Grown Folk After Dark Quiet Storm in the Midnight Hour" Playlist. This music video, however... (putting on my creative hat) 1. should've been in black and white 2. needed to take out that damn empire sign in the back [this isn't a commecial] 3. needed to be lit so that the florescent bulbs of the light could be shone in Jamaal's eyes. 4. And they could've had my homie do a few pushups and pray some misty water on him right before the shoot, just to get some blood flowing etc.

Porsha is swooping all through this damn episode! I told y'all a few recaps ago that I thought she would end up being an integral character as time progressed. Noticed how she's morphing into a FIXER! "We at WAR! Quit touchin all on each other. Put ya chest up!" Bahahahah Porsha, you will NOT kill me today!

Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile, they walked Esperanza's ass out of Empire. All she could take with her was her orchid. She's was probably sending financials over to Beretti's office.

I like this Empire "Situation Room!" Becky's ass is RUNNING shit! Go head Becky!

"Ghetto Ass Studios"  Again... the name of this studio... KILLS ME!

Lucius is maaaaaaaaaad Jamaal came out. He's doubting Hakeem's influence. And he's listening to Andre's dastardly tactics. Something in this buttermilk ain't clean.

Estelle aka Delphine. I'm right here for her. RIGHT! HERE!

"I can't give you 30% when I can release my stuff on line" I love how the writers weave industry reality into the fabric of this show. More and more music artists are going the INDEPENDENT route because there's more in it for the artist. On the flip side, labels still have the marketing and branding prowess to provide mass exposure. But, as a musician, I personally think this puts the ownership on the artists... and forces US to FOCUS ON THE MUSIC.

Y'all. CONQUEROR speaks volumes to my soul for sooooooooo many reasons. "I am a conqueror! And I won't accept defeat!" AMEN AMEN AMEN!  This song reminds me why I love this show. Why I will continue to follow my dreams. Why you all should follow your dreams as well!

Cookie: "Yeeeeeea that's my name! Take a bite!" hahahahahaha *STANDING OVATION*

All I can think about watching this elevator things is one thing : SOLANGE! Andre ass needs some Jesus.

So you're telling me Beretti's camp and Lucius' camp are just  gonna have a standoff in broad daylight...guns drawn... in a park... And in the background a school bus goes by... the DC to China Town bus goes by... cars passing by... A big ass yellow taxi cab goes by... Smh... I don't get it. My brain hurts from the head scratching.

Ok Dre. You changed the key. But it's alright. "Lean on me... when you're not strong." C'mon with this tender moment #EMPIRE

"You can sit and you can stew over some embarrassment about some party that doesn't even matter anymore Or you can step up and you can take some heads off.Now Delphine idolizes you, alright. But she wants to work with me: the gay one. You said that families put aside their differences. So put aside your played out homophobia, unless it's more important than Empire." These show writers don't skirt around the damn issue. They get right down to the brass tax. Jamaal... *tips hat* you said that man.

So now you're trynna get back with Hakeem Tiana... Oh.

CMON LUCIUS WITH THE VOCALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS SONG IS PERFECT!  THE MOMENT IS PERFECT! EVERYONE SINGING TOGETHER! IF YOUR HEART AIN'T WARM, YOU AIN'T SH*T! Make sure you purchase "You're So Beautiful" on Itunes.

I dunno why I laughed when Andre threw that pencil down.  bahahaha. This ain't funny. But that sh*t made me laugh.

Damn, Lucius didn't even sign to have Andre committed. He made Ronda do it. Good. Put her scheming ass to good use.

This was such a great episode! I love how this episode took time to show Lucius struggle with wanting to fix everything himself, and realizing that he actually needed to walk the walk and let his family do some of the fixing (like he's always preaching). Oh, and the full version of "Black and Blue" is an amazing song as well. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life when this show is over for the season.

[kelechiakalu-blog]

Empire Recap Episode 8 : Jamaal's Gay... AND?

Lawd... that opening scene had me getting all in my emotions. Now, at first I as thinking, why is Lucious dressed like a paperboy from the roaring 20's... and that sepia filter was doing a lot. But... when he started singing to Cookie and she started lovin on her kids... my thug tears started to swell... but i didn't cry though.

Cookie Lyons is a BUSINESS WOMAN. Didn't Lucious tell her he had ALS the night before. Less than 8 hours later... she's talmbout a compilation album, a documentary, a concert... COOKIE!!!!

All them thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighs on that bed. Taraji P. Henson. Got damn got damn!

Oh so NOW you wanna pray, Hakeem.

Jamaal: "Hakeem why we meeting at a Catholic church (YOU KNOW WE'RE PENTECOSTAL?!)--is what he wanted to say. Bahaha.

"I'll do it for dad if you do it for mom." "I'll do it for them both." If that exchange and olive branch extension between Jamaal and Hakeem didn't make you smile... you ain't sh*t. At all.

I'm just grinning from ear to ear. Now this first recording of "You're so Beautiful" was a lil rough, but to see Cookie, Lucious, Jamaal, and Hakeem all in the booth happy and joyful, made my soul soar.

Then here comes Andre's salty ass.... whatchu want Andre?!

Anika is maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Bahahahaha.

Wait... that has to have been the most calm cheating confrontation I have EVER witnessed. In my whole entire black life. And we're reminded that Lucious ain't sh*t.

These scenes between Ronda and Andre continue to creep me out. Nevermind Andre is essentially PIMPING his WIFE out to secure the interim CEO post... but all I could think of seeing  him tonguing down Ronda in that mask was Elphaba from "Wicked." ::shudders::

Hakeem's reasons for acting like a spoiled twat towards Cookie: "She's always bossing me around, walking into rooms when she's not supposed to, and acting like she runs the show." Bahahaha. Hakeem shut your dumb ass up! That is EZZACKLY what Mama's are supposed to do!

 "You love Jamaal more than me and you know it." And THERE we have it. The crux of the issue. The brass tax. The nitty gritty. The rooda to the tooda. Hakeem finally says what we ALL know he's been thinking. That kind of deeply seated anger is understandable given the circumstances.

Y'all see what COMMUNICATION can do?! Chile they talked for 2 minutes, and everything is [seemingly] GOOD. TALK to your family members. TALK to your frenemies. Get all that sh*t out in the table. COMMUNICATE!

And notice... Jamaal has the same relationship with Lucious.

Alright. So I didn't see the film director asking Jamaal out, coming. But I'd like to state, for the record, that "Hi" was literally the MOST lame pick up line...ever. It kind of made me chuckle about how unreal that moment actually is, compared to real life. But...hey, it's TV.

"Uuuuuuugh Did you get rid of FAKE ASS Lena Horne?!" Bahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahha The laugh I just let out from the depths of my inner being, y'all. I'm CRINE! Why is Cookie so damn petty!

Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard's onscreen chemistry is electrifying!

Ronda's face when she saw Mr. Blakely scoot up in that power wheelchair: PRICELESS.

Thank goodness Ronda is finally showing a moral compass. I thought homegirl was LOST. But she doesn't want to be a geriatric whore. Good for you Ronda. You go Ronda!

......................................................................................................................

Number 21 is me flatlining when Jamaal started singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." I can't tell if I LOVED IT or HATED IT. So I'm just gon die. And not say anything else. He sounds AMAZING though.

"Oooooh it's cooooooold up in here." It sure was. Because Andre had the DUMB FACE when Lucious said, "NAY!" Sorry Andre. Do not pass go. Do not collect Interim CEO status.

WHO. IS. THE. STYLIST?! Who?! Somebody! Tell! Me! WHO PUT JAMAAL IN TD JAKES' REVIVAL SUNDAY GOWN?! WHO DID THIS TO MY HOMIE JAMAAL?! I WANT ANSWERS! SWAY, WHERE YOU AT?! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS IS ALL ABOUT!

CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILE! The saaaaaaaaaame people who made Jamaal's Sunday suit made Bishop Lucious "Lying Ass" Lyon's Purity Cloth Regalia, adorned with country diamond encrusted buttons and all.

Y'alllllllll this party looks FUUUUUUN! From that blonde white girl GETTIN it, to your boy doing to the slight two shoulder step all up in the camera.... I wish I was there!!!

Side bar... there is NOTHING more COUNTRY than an ALL WHITE PARTY.

"You look pretty." Look, I just want to say... Cookie is the HIGHLIGHT of my life. I thought I knew what petty was... But petty takes RARE form in Cookie Lyon!

Ruuuuuuuun Ronda, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. "You in danger girl." Andre WILL kill you.

OK. Bear with me because this one is about to be LONG. Now I had to go back and watch the interaction between both Cookie and Camilla, because it's GOLDEN. 1. Before Cookie even asked "Who's your friend" she knew who the hell Camilla was. This was just the set up for the petty parade. 2. "Wish I could say the same for you." So now we know, Cookie ain't having it. And Camilla knows too. 3. Cookie calls her "Ole Camilla" which in turn made me CACKLE! 4. Camilla "Excuse me. You're older than I am. Cookie: "Oh I don't think so Auntie Camilla." Aunite!!! AUNTIE!!!! Bahahaha 5. "So Yoko Ono wants to play on the song too? Can you play the tambourine?!" Got dammit Cookie you will NOT kill me from laughing myself to an early grave today! NO MA'AM!!! 6. "You look like you got a long tongue." **throws computer** **falls out** 7. "At least I got the junior, bitch."Now, at first, I was like... huh... what kind of comeback was that. But then I realized Ole Camilla saved the NAAAAAAAAAAASTIEST read for last. She was basically like... at least she can keep a Lyon. As opposed to Cookie being edged out of the picture by Anika. Well played Camilla... well played...

"Music is forever. They will dance to it forever. Tell your truth in the music." Awwwwww shit. I feel like this performance is about to be a fool. Because Jamaal got his pettiness from Cookie.

GO JAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL! Lawd I thought Lucious' ALS was gon' kick in RIGHT THERE on that balcony and he was going to fall over and die! The song was amazing! The people were happy!

"The moment you brought that white woman into my house... I knew then, I couldn't trust you." Welp Lucious, make it plain. Tell Andre why you're mad. Look at all his communication going on in this episode.

This conversation is very real "And they will never accept your black ass."

"I came brother to brother to tell you how proud I am of you." It's these moments that make me NOT hate Hakeem.

Andre playing Russian Roulette, had me SHOOK.

Every time you want to root for Lucious, he becomes an asshole again.

Laaaaaaaaaaaawd this closing scene with Cookie singing in her jail cell.... there go my emotions again. This might've been the best episode... ever. I was hooked from beginning to end.

[kelechiakalu-blog]

Empire Recap Episode 7 : Anika Get's Her Ass Handed to Her

“We need more technology. I mean,serious holograms.” Lucious... holograms... really? Haha. alright.

Lawd! Lucious forced Jamaal to marry Ole’Livia.Welp, that kind of explains the child…

And in good fashion Cookie clears everything up and provides the first nugget of the evening. “You gotta have sex to make a baby Lucious.”

In the moment that Lucious chooses Anika to ride with him over Cookie, you have to immediately feel sorry for Cookie. Clearly she still loves Lucius Lyon, dearly. If you didn’t feel sorry for Cookie, then you ain’t sh*t and IDFWU! **cues Big Sean**

Sidebar: That song [IDFWU] is sooooooooooooooooooo PETTY. And I love it.

Damn. Everybody’s getting their hearts broken left and right. Dora’s ass has had ENOUGH! “I’m in love with you. You’re in love with your music.” If I had a dollar for everytime…nvmd. Just know, this scene is sad, and very real. And I wish Dora that best with cooking school. Pack it on up and move back to Spanish Harlem. Adios Amigo.

“Bae. What is a Bae?” Naomi ma’am… that eye roll you gave perfectly aligned with the sigh/groan I let out at that moment. Twinsies!

EVERY GOT DAMN BODY IS ON THIS SHOW! C’MON CHEF ROBLE!!! LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING, IF LEE DANIELS GET’S OPRAH’S ASS ON EMPIRE!!!!!! LIFE = RECEIVED!

YES NAOMI! “You want to brand me with your name. But you don’t want to take me out in public?! I’m not your BACK STREET SLUT HAKEEM!” C’mon WRITERS!!!!! Giving Madame Campbell something to talk about this episode!

But… where is she going in that country plum Victorian sleeved 1890’s couture? I really want to know? My mind is boggled.

“No… we will lead with music.” That moment when you’ve prepared a dope ass powerpoint presentation, with cute pictures, and a bomb midi soundtrack in the background…and your boss fcuks your sh*t up with 6 petty words.  Bahahaha. Andre was like “-__- I stayed up all night working on this sh*t!” Bwahahaha. Y’all I hate Andre. Hahahahahahaha.

I LOVE COOKIE’S “MAMA MOMENTS!” Hell, even I sit up and ack rite when she’s getting into her kid’s asses. “Shut up! Both of y’all. One night of your lil’ selfish lives… I said do you hear me?!”

“Listen to your mother. She’s a wise woman!” Those moments when Lucious backs up Cookie, reflect the strength of how formidable this family and Empire Records could be, if Lucious would just drop Anika’s ass and get back with the REAL MONEY TEAM, #TEAMCOOKIE

“Those boys was just comin between me and my money…” Don’t start catching feelings now, Lucious. Cookie just needs to buy some more wrap dresses and floor length mink coats.

I don’ forgot Gabby’s name. So…I’m gonna just call her Precious. Precious was trynna seduce Mr. Malcolm with her dry curls, square kitten heal halfway house hooker boots, and big-girlish wiles. Only to discover someone left BayBay’s kid on the elevator.

Oh. Precious’ name is Becky.

“I’ve been around Empire so long I’m on C.P. time.” Elle… you got a chuckle outta me. But watch it.

Shout out to her background vocalists who gave each other the universal “girl whet?!” looks. And shout out to my girl Porsha for the clear and concise translation: “Colored people TAHM!” I just love her conviction.

I will say this… if that beat to Elle’s song dragged anymore in the beginning… Rupal might have manifested. See what I did there?

Becky was so unimpressed with that lil girls story. And her “Good luck with that…” did me iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin. Hahahahahaha

Wayment… wayment… wayment… Am I hearing…Lucious correctly? “Eventually you’re gonna meet somebody who really understands what it’s like to be with an artist.” Are Lucious and Jamaal BONDING? Lemme not speak too soon man, cause Lucious… let’s just see.

MY JAAAAAAAAM! “Live Inside the Moment!”

I hope Anika gets hit by the 2 Train. Or slips down a flight of icy steps and snaps her neck a la “Death Becomes Her!” Dammit!!! Elle was getting on the right track thanks to Mama Cookie! Mr. Malcolm, please come through! I hope you saw that sh*t!

“Who is that LIBERIAN girl?” I rrrrrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaallllllllllllyyyyy hope that was play on MJ’s song “Liberian Girl” and Lucious wasn’t just pulling African nations out of a hat. Because if it’s the latter… then I want to fight whoever wrote that line.

Man… I was rootin’ for Elle… we were ALL rootin’ for Elle!

You know what… I don’t hate these microwave oven girls… and this sooooong BUMPS over a good system. And c’mon Jamaal with the moves!!!

Anika and Andre are maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad Cookie’s giving the big speech. And I couldn’t be happier.

Y’all Cookie saw the words on the teleprompter “…increase year-over year revenue by at least 30% in the coming fiscal year…” and said “Chile I ain’t reading that…”  bahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

This speech. Everything. Like… I have nothing to say but… “I love you Cookie.”

Alright… ladies listen up… if your mans gets in the shower… with all his clothes on. I’m talmbout fully suited… LEAVE. LEEEEEEAAAAAAVEEE. LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVEEEEE. Bi-Polar or not… he WILL kill you. It might not be today… or tomorrow… But it WILL happen, if you stay. Andre SNAPPED!

LUCIOUS FIIIIIIIINAAAAAAALLLLLLY PUT HIS HAND IN THAT COOKIE JAR BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cues the applause, fireworks, canons, and drummers going pa-ruh-pa-pum-pum* I’m so glad Anika saw it. Sooooo glad. So so soooooo glad. She got the short end of the stick this ENTIRE episode! And my heart is full of joy and jubilation. Fcuk Anika. Ole petty bitter tired tramp!

[kelechiakalu-blog]

Empire Recap Episode 6 : Get Me My Damn Coat

1. I’d like to congratulate Lil’ Kim on her song placement for this episode. I know the checks haven’t been rolling in these days. So it’s great to see the network give seasoned artists a chance to get some work.

2. C’mon Cookie! With this got damn naaaaaaaaaasty floor length magenta coat.

3. Is it just me, or does somebody need to get Cookie some iron pills. She’s always dressed like SNOWMAGEDON is upon us, while everyone else looks like it’s the first week of September.

4. You know something ain’t right when your enemies greet you with a sweet hello and a smile, like Anika did Cookie. Chile… Cookie should’ve seen that shit coming.

5. Oh, Cookie and her petty antics: That audible champagne sip HAD ME IN STITCHES. Throwing the rose petals during the proposal story…classic Cookie.

6. But bay baaaaaaaaaaaaay when Cookie got up and turned around and showed EVERYBODY her CHEWY CHIPS AHOY goodness! Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd.  The only other thing that would’ve made this moment so perfect is if she would’ve socked Ronda’s messy ass in the face…just because.

7. Go back and look at Anika’s face when Cookie let’s her know “This is an ass!” Cause it’s the same exact face I had. You can’t even argue with that statement. It’s just one of those things where… “even though I don’t fcuk with you… I cannot and will not deny you the truth you’ve just spoken on this day. Keep your eye on the prize.” I imagine that was Anika’s unspoken inner monologue.

8. WHY DID LUCIUS THINK INVITING COOKIE TO THAT DAMN DINNER WAS THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION?! My head hurts from the foolery.

9. Lemme tell you something… COOKIE LOVES A DAMN LEOPARD PRINT CATSUIT! 1970’s chic baby! All day!

10. I don’t know why, but this scene between Cookie and Jamaal reminds me of a scene between Miss Celie and Shug aAvery when they’re talking about “Mistuh…” Especially Jamaal’s “Celie laugh.” Go back and rewatch!

11. “He’s becoming a top. That’s what you gotta do to make it to the top.” Ok… so 1. I HAVEN’T LAUGHED THIS HARD SINCE…WELL… IN A WHILE. 2. That proud mama neck roll. I’m here for it. 3.  Lord now everyone’s gonna want to have the “What’s a top? What’s a bottom? Is there a midlle?” conversation… ::GROAN::

12. I’m finally glad Dora is realizing he needs to get his shit together. Fame does change people. He should’ve been Jamaal’s business manager or something. And we finally find out that Dora’s in culinary school! A Hispanic cook. The writers tried it.  But I really appreciate them throwing in this “real shit” moments. “The more you know…”:: cues Jazmine Sullivan’s “Brand New”::

13. If you didn’t rock when “Drip Drop” came on… you are boring and aint shit.

14. Lucius finally admits to killing Bunky. ::slow clap:: I’m so tired of that storyline.

15. Y’all I thought my prayers were answered and Vernon was bout to kill Andre. Like…I was legit happy.

16. Lemme tell you something, I might not LIKE Ronda… but she is a white woman after my own heart (if I were white…and a woman). “I’m so happy to hear the great news.” Mama is always on her P’s and Q’s and never misses a beat. Ever. And for that, I salute her.

17. So… I see somebody at Empire took my advice and mixed up the seating arrangements of the A&R team at Empire Records. Because two weeks ago, that boardroom was segregated like the Jim Crow South.

18. Anika:“When can I hear a finished version Cookie?” Cookie: “The song’s already finished, Ms. Calhoun (-_-)” A: “Oh I assumed it was a demo.” C: “You would because you’re a hater.” SO NASTY AND SO RUDE.

19. They dug Courtney Love’s ass up from who knows where. And what the HELL does she mean by “that BLACK SHACK?!” Madam you better WIPE YOUR NOSE and WATCH YOUR DAMN MOUF!

20. But this “crack is whack” hotel confrontation was low key touching. I see you trynna get this Emmy, Taraji.

21. COOOOOOMMMMEEE THRRRRRUUUUUUU POOOORRRRRSHHHHAAAAA WITH THIS NAAAAAAAASTY MUSTARD BODY CON DRESS AND ACCOMPANYING UP-DO AND GOLD HEAD PIECE!

22. COOKIE IS A MOTHER! YOU HEAR ME! I was having this conversation with a friend a couple weeks ago about how Dora just doesn’t seem socially compatible in his relationship with Jamaal. Cookie pretty much said everything that has been on my heart. “Somebody that can bring something to the table beside some damn food… cooking school (-_-)”

23. Being a musician… and trying to keep your personal life together… is a nearly IMPOSSIBLE feat. Chile… that’s why I don’t have a damn valentine today… Well, that ain't the only reason why...but that's what Imma tell myself.

24. “You took my money and my cigarettes…” bahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

25. DAMMIT ANIKA!!! DON’T YOU GO CORRUPTING MY SWEET RATCHET PORRRSHHAAAAA.

26. I NEEEEEEED A COOKIE IN MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE! Come thru ELLLE / Courtney Love with the vocals!!!!!!!!!

27. FINAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLY AN R&B SONG I CAN GET WITH!!!! If Jamaal’s “ I Wanna Love You” didn’t do it for you and take you back to the mid 2000’s when all that good neo soul R&B was POPPIN…. Mayyyyyyyyyne! I’m over here GROOVING! And what the hell is Sway doing there?  Hahaha. I guess with all that Neo-Soul in the room, he just manifested. Bahaha. j/k I know he has his own show.

28. Damn Dora. When Jamaal was like… “Nah… I don’t have any significant other…” I genuinely felt bad for Dora… I know that hurt.

29. Cookie and Malcom sittin in a tree… F-*-*-K-I-N-G! Watch…

30. What’s with everyone and slitting throats?!

31. WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT A GOT DAMN MINUTE! First of all, welcome to Empire Raven! Second: She’s Jamaal’s baby mama!!!!!!! THIS IS GOOOOOODT! Third: HER. GOT. DAMN. NAME. IS. OLIVIA! They did that. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!

I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED THE HELL OUTTA THIS GOT DAMN EPISODE. DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT BELOW AND SHARE THE RECAP!