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[kennakatlyn]

I thought I was getting better. I thought I finally broke the cycle but today it came back 10x worse. I sat with my phone in my hand waiting for hear from you for hours. I finally mustered up the courage to say hello first. you say we are good but my brain tells me you’re lying. if we were okay then why would today feel so different? I know it’s all in my head. but I can’t take the blame for the entirety of this feeling because the truth is you play a part too. if I felt secure in this relationship then I wouldn’t be so scared. granted I have developed this cycle long before I met you. men who have left a day after telling me they want to marry me. men who have cheated and still came home to me after. men who showed no signs of losing feelings then up and left one day. and now it’s like i’m waiting for you to fall under one of these categories. it’s a “are we okay” and a “do you still want to be with me” except instead of asking I internalize it. I can’t let you know i’m scared. I really want it to be you. I want you to be the one to save me from this. show me what love is don’t let me down please. I can’t be disappointed again. I can’t feel the dull ache in my chest while I lay on the floor watching the fan go around again. I can’t fathom letting another man in. you were my last hope. I know in my soul you won’t be the one. but I hope you stay for awhile. i’m falling in love with you and although that’s terrifying to see on paper I know this feeling too well. you’ve made me soft again. vulnerable to you and only you. it’s not safe here. you will leave. they always do.

x

[kennakatlyn]

how do you open up to someone when you convince yourself every single day that they are going to leave you? how do you fall in love knowing you have your walls up so high nobody could ever reach you? it’s like every time I catch it I remind myself of the pain heartbreak brings. it’s a hole in your chest, a dull ache. it’s crying yourself to sleep and waking up with a swollen face. it’s driving down the surface streets in the middle of the night with sad music on low volume. it’s desperately trying to find someone else to latch onto so you don’t have to feel so empty. it’s a bottle hidden under the passenger seat. it’s an unanswered, drunken text at 3am. it’s going to the party because you know he’ll be there. it’s the earth shattering scream you let out when he posts her on instagram. it’s a revenge plot that ultimately hurts you more than him. it’s crawling into his bed one last time just to feel his body pressed against yours. it’s a bandage on a bullet hole. it’s I miss you and I hate you. it’s not eating for days at a time. it’s cringing when you see a car the same color as his on your side of town. it’s a spark of hope. and it’s a bulb burnt out. it’s mascara running down your face while you sit on the bathroom floor. it’s trying to remember what his touch feels like. it’s so much more than a heart broken into pieces. so i’ll ask again, how do I love you when all I can think about is the things i’ll feel when you leave?

x

[kennakatlyn]

and there’s it was.

it hit me cold and hard. I had been so cautious. holdings parts of myself back, trying to fit in this box so I could be the chill girl. the type of girl you need. but I in fact was too much. once again. no matter how hard I try, I am always too much.

your small rejection sent a bolt of lighting through my chest. my walls came right back up. I know better than to let them down again. I just started to get comfortable. I won’t do that again. if you didn’t want me in this way then you don’t want me at all. at least that’s how it feels.

i’m so tired of holding back who I am in an attempt not to scare you off. me making myself smaller still was too much. i’ll spend the rest of my day nursing my inner child as she reaches out for you just to be let down again. now I need more walls. I need titanium built around my soul. never to allow anyone in again.

X

[kennakatlyn]

times up.

I think we met each other at a time we needed someone the most. I had healing to do and you had growing up to do. I like to think we were meant to be. but everything comes to an end and eventually the clock ran out on us.

you left me with many emotional scars. but I can’t forget all the healing you helped me do to get to this point. you put me back together. you made me a better person even if I was left with a different kind of pain on the other side of it all. you truly did save my life and I don’t know if you ever knew that.

I left you with some emotional scars of your own. i’m sorry you got cut on my rough edges. you had so much maturing to do and I can’t help but think I stunted some of that out of fear that you would out grow me. but you did it anyways. you’re all fucked up now and so am I. although we fixed each other in our own ways, we tore each other back down just the same.

the scars we left each other with will carry on into our new relationships. I’ve already experienced it. my inability to tell him how I feel. that came from you. it feels like you will always follow me around. and I know that when the new girl tells you she’s busy you’ll think of me and all the spare time I always made for you. we haunt each other. who knew 2 1/2 years ago we would leave marks on our souls.

sometimes I think about the future. maybe one day we will meet again and start over. it’s a nostalgic thought. we could live two completely separate lives for the next 10 years and there still will always be a chance it could happen. but you won’t remember my middle name, and I won’t remember the lines that trace your collar under that old t shirt. and it’ll be like we are looking at a stranger. so familiar yet not at all. that’s when we will realize, it’s too late.

our times up.

A

[kennakatlyn]

*delivered 38 minutes ago.*

>he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

•you’re being dramatic he’s just at work.

>but yesterday when he was at work he was able to text me.

•he said it was a busy day today.

everything’s fine.

>he probably is annoyed with me and wants to have space.

•he hasn’t been active for 45 minutes you have nothing to worry about.

>he’s had 45 minutes to change his mind about me.

•nothing has happened in the last 45 minutes to make him change his mind he’s just busy.

>what if he doesn’t want to see me later? we’ve been spending a lot of time together and maybe it’s too much.

•he’s the one who has initiated seeing you every time. there’s no reason for you to believe he is overwhelmed by it.

>what if I did something wrong?

•you were just with him all night. you didn’t do anything wrong. everything will be okay

>what if he doesn’t actually like me or want to be with me?

•if he didn’t want to be with you he wouldn’t be.

>he is going to leave.

•he has shown no signs of wanting to leave. he was so happy with you yesterday.

>yes but this is today not yesterday. I need to detach myself before I get hurt.

•no. don’t do that.

>I need to put these walls back up. I have to distance myself before I fall for him. he can’t hurt me if i never loved him.

•no you can’t do that it’s too late. you have to let it happen now. you’ve already fallen and scrambling to take it back will only make things worse.

>but I am scared he doesn’t want to me with me anymore.

•it’s all in your head.

*new message*

everything’s okay again.

—a conversation in my mind // what anxious attachment style looks like

[kennakatlyn]

Here’s the thing. i’m no longer soft. I no longer allow myself to be loving and kind. I am sharp and rough around the edges like shattered glass. I always thought other people made me this way but i’m starting to think I did it to myself. I don’t want to allow anyone to get too close. people hurt you when they get close. at least when i’m like this I can create a safe distance between myself and whatever pain you intend to bring.

but there’s still a part of me hiding inside the depths of my chest begging for her way out. begging to show and receive love. clawing at the cage I built around her screaming out please let me love him. but I can’t let her out. you scare me. you could wake up tomorrow and decide you don’t want me anymore and this way when you do I am already ready. I know how this goes. you come along pretend you’ll give me everything i’ve ever wanted. I let my walls down, let you in and then you destroy everything as soon as someone better comes along. then i’m left more broken than I was before.

at least this way I know you can’t reach me. but fuck I want so badly to be loved by you. I want so badly to love you back. I want all the cliches that come with it. dancing in the rain, holding my hand in the car, staring into each other’s souls, the cherished time spent together. I want it all. but instead i’ll lay here numb. i’ll send you “k” for the 50th time today while she’s inside me screaming out for me not to press send. if I push you away myself then it would be impossible for you to leave me. if I do it myself then I know you can’t hurt me.

in reality im just lying to myself. im already attached. im already clinging onto every single word you say. this is gonna hurt whether I stay this way or not. so why can’t I let her out?

all I want is to be loveable again. I hope you can understand

x

[kennakatlyn]

5 months later

5 months later and I can’t remember the lines that trace your face or the color of your eyes

I remember when I couldn’t live without you. and after the first day of no contact I wanted to die

5 months later and I can’t imagine having to speak to you

the months have gone by so slow. I have new tattoos you’ll never touch and a new car you’ve never been in

5 months later and the world doesn’t cave in when I hear your name

I don’t have to swallow the burn when I see someone who looks like you at the bar. I don’t feel that familiar stab to my heart when I think of your arms wrapped around me

5 months later and I feel numb

5 months later and I am in his bed.

I wake up to his arms wrapped around me and I feel my heart jump out of my chest when I see his name on my phone

5 months later and he’s doing everything you couldn’t

he can’t imagine losing me. he has grown attached and makes it known every single day

5 months later and I am in love but it’s not with you

[kennakatlyn]

we were everything and nothing at the same time. I say this because you’ve seen the deepest parts of my soul and ive traveled through the darkest parts of your mind and yet we still can’t bring ourselves to be together. I guess what im saying is can we say goodbye again? I miss the way you would rip me open. at least I felt something. we are stuck in this in between phase. to let go or not to let go. I hate that you put us here. I hate that I am part of a rotation of girls who get to sleep in your bed. to them you are just someone to lay with on a friday night when they are lonely. but to me you are everything. every fucking missed call, every drop of rain, every cup of coffee, every song on the radio. you are still consuming my entire life. but to you, I am nothing. I am someone who loves you, someone who allows you to do whatever you want because you know I will never leave. someone who looks at you like you put the stars in the fucking sky. I am overflowing with love for you and your fountain has ran dry. your pretty words sit on the tip of my tongue while you are busy pushing the knife further into my back. you love me, you don’t want me to leave, you need me, you want to be with me. I still ask myself sometimes, if you love me as much as I love you then why are you able to put me through so much hurt and pain while im busy picking up your pieces as they fall so I can put you back together again. I want out. I want to forget you ever existed and move on to someone who will put me in the sky with the stars. but that was a lie because in fact I don’t want out at all. I want to lay in the bed 100s of other girls have been in if it means I get even a single second by your side.

Old A

[kennakatlyn]

I hurt for the girl I was 6 months ago. begging someone to stay who was already out the door. but what I don’t realize is im repeating the same pattern with you. falling for someone who gives me just enough. it’s another rollercoaster and this time im fully aware of what im getting myself into. that’s the worst part. you know exactly what to say to stop me from walking away. you swoop in with your pretty words just in time to catch me. and I fall for it over and over again. I can’t let myself get attached if you are going to leave. it’s another message read 2 hours ago, another where are you why won’t you talk to me, another why doesn’t he love me the way I love him? I repeat this pattern because it’s all i’ve ever known. I just wish you could be the one to break it. I wish so badly you could save me before I fall. say something, anything to keep me from ruining everything I have worked so hard for. prove everyone wrong and be the man I need. prove me wrong. people are asking me why im with you if I feel this way and the honest answer is you feel safe. chaos and pain feel safe. I need you to be the one. I can’t do this again please just be the one.

X

[kennakatlyn]

I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into you. I fight it everyday but the more time I spend with you the more I recognize that familiar feeling creeping up on me. I know how this goes. it starts out slow. occasional feelings of closeness only appearing when i’m in your presence. soon it’ll wash over me like waves. I will try to swim my way out and ultimately lose. allowing myself to drown in that four letter word. I guess what i’m trying to say is please don’t hurt me again. I see the bright red flags hanging off every inch of your body but I can’t stop. I wanted better for myself this time around. but when you let her find comfort in your bed I couldn’t help but forgive you because why shouldn’t I get my happy ending? why can’t I have everything i’ve ever wanted? you are the scariest form of self harm. you dig and dig until there’s nothing left and im entirely spent on you. these walls won’t save me now. you are crashing them down as if they are made of sand. so many walls left to go but then again not enough to protect me from falling for the wrong man again. a message I will never send to you: please don’t fucking leave. don’t get bored and give up on me. I need this more than you know. I need you to be the man I dreamed of before I completely give up on the idea the love exists out there somewhere for me. you have to be him. I can’t handle the long nights spent on the bathroom floor or the countless drunken missed calls. I can’t go through it again. I know you promised forever. but so did the last one. and the one before him. im starting to think forever isn’t real. you are the only person who can save me now. but if im being honest with myself, I know how this goes. I will fall anyways. fall into your brown eyes and your pretty lies hidden behind that smile that lights up my soul. I will fall into the way you say my name and the way you hold onto me at night. I will fall into the exciting lifestyle you live and into the way you look when you are on top of me. I will fall into love with you. all I can hope is the universe is done teaching me lessons and you are my reward. but if you aren’t I just hope you know that no one in this world will love you the way I will. no one in this world will accept your rough around the edges persona. no one will know how to love you the way I do. so please stay.

X

[kennakatlyn]

it’s like this..

it’s been months. you think you are over it. No, you know you are over it. You’re with someone new and you’ve moved on. then all of a sudden it’s a Thursday afternoon at 1:12 pm and you get stuck on a thought about him. it’s bouncing around in the back of your brain and when it surfaces you feel that familiar pain in your chest. you feel heavier than you did at 1:11. you feel guilt and anger for thinking about him. about those Sunday mornings when you laid wrapped in his arms. his love overflowing and pouring over your body. you feel at peace there. then you snap out of it and you realize you are empty. even though you moved on you can feel the missing piece of your soul that he took with him when he left. you see healing is messy. and although i’m with someone else, I still hurt for the girl who had to move on from a disaster such as yourself. I love him but I still ache for the piece of me I left with you. the girl you knew, the one who loved you so much, is cold and dead now. and the saddest part is. he has to pick up those parts of me and figure out how to put me back together. fixing something he never broke. now it’s 1:13 and I have to move on with my day. knowing I will never love someone the way I loved you. you stole my innocence and I will never feel the same.

[kennakatlyn]

he looks at me and says “im sorry I hurt you, it’s all i’ve ever known”

and as my rib cage cracks in two I say “let me fall into you. let me allow you to take me in and make me feel whole again. I want to collapse by your side regardless of the pain you bring”

when he looks at me I see indifference. as if i’m just enough to hold onto for a little while longer until he gets bored.

when I look at him I see galaxies hidden in his brown eyes and stars inside of his chest.

what it must feel like to be loved.

I envy him for the way he wakes up in the morning knowing he is loved.

when he walks around with that “I am loved” confidence.

whilst I am grasping at straws to convince myself I also feel loved. yelling at the universe asking them to give me a sign.

oh how it must feel to be loved.

[kennakatlyn]

my biggest fear is that one day when my daughter asks me how I know what love feels like your name will pop into my mind. it will take everything in me not to tell her about the days we were so consumed by each-other we forgot the rest of the world existed. i can’t destroy her hope for future love by telling her that you left. she can’t know about the late nights I spent on the bathroom floor clutching my chest begging the universe to give me answers. or the 2am drunken phone calls that were never returned. how am I supposed to tell her that you can love someone with your whole heart and they will still leave? I can’t tell her all the bad and rob her of the good. and even if I don’t tell her about you, she will see the pain written all over my face as the memories flood over me. she can’t know that she would’ve been OUR daughter but the universe had different plans for us.

maybe i’ll save it for after her first heartbreak. when she’s curled up on the floor with her head in my lap tear stained and drunk. i’ll tell her about the boy I loved more than anything in the world and i’ll tell her about all the fights, lies, cheating and pain. i’ll tell her how you were a lesson. one that left me crying in the rain like a cliche romance novel. one that took many other men and too many bottles of liquor, to be able to cope with losing. and when it’s all said and done I will tell her that I didn’t lose you at all. I will tell her how I picked myself up off the floor every time the sun came back out. I will tell her about the months I spent learning to love myself and love life. i’ll tell her about all the out of this world experiences I got to have since you were no longer holding me back. i’ll tell her how I moved forward and discovered what real love was supposed to be. and I will tell her that even though she feels like the world is ending, life will go on and she will become a better version of herself than she was before.

time heals all wounds but yours left a scar. a mark engraved into the back of my brain. and although it will seem like I am reassuring her, I am also reassuring the broken 23 year old version of myself that I kept inside all this time. because in reality my biggest fear is that I will have to think of you 20 years from now.

[kennakatlyn]

04/25: It’s been a week and a half. Today someone told me i’ve changed. I’ve hardened and I am rough around the edges. I guess I never considered that I let you consume my entire life so now I don’t know who I am without you. I want to be rough around the edges so nobody ever hurts me again. I think I knew months ago this would be it. You showed all the signs but I was too consumed with what we once were and how to get us back. You were burdened with thoughts of how to get away from me. And you did. I want to say I don’t love you anymore but honestly I think I will always love you, I just hate you more than anything else. I met someone. He takes care of me the way I begged you to. He cares the way I begged you to. He looks at me like I belong in the sky with the stars and I look back at him dead and cold. Maybe I am rough around the edges now. At the end of the day I just want the parts you stole from me. My innocence. I want to walk through life naive to the pain that is you. you haunt my dreams. Nightmares of you abandoning me over and over again. I have lived this heartbreak 100 times in the past week because every night when I close my eyes it happens again. After a week and a half all I feel is anger and disgust. Im sure the pain will come back soon enough. I keep seeing your face when I told you I knew. The blank stare and 0 regret for what you did to me. The pain I felt knowing you slept soundly that night in our bed while I begged the universe to tell me why this is happening to me and what I did wrong. One day I won’t feel anything anymore. I will have hardened completely and I will be cold. Nobody will ever hurt me the way you did.

04/27: It’s been two weeks. I think im pretty good at distracting my mind because I haven’t felt any pain besides in my nightmares about you. Last night they were too real. I was back outside our house. I had come to get the rest of my stuff and you were having a party. I was trying to guess which one she was but the more I saw the worse it hurt. You were somewhere upstairs but I got to see kota. it turned very bad after awhile but when I woke up I saw him looking back at me. for the first time in months I felt safe. like I was happy to know someone wanted to be there. Now im dreading the day he leaves and im alone again. You fucked me up. I have to relearn how to trust someone and I can never get that back. Everyone’s going to leave me they always do. I wish I was better at explaining how im feeling. It feels like im holding onto anyone who shows me the tiniest bit of decency because it’s something you couldn’t show me for months. I just don’t understand how after you cheat, I become the bad guy. im the monster. I spent months begging you to love me when I should’ve just left you behind. I shouldn’t have had to beg you for the bare minimum of being a decent fucking human being. and the fact that you laid there that night texting her while I was bawling my eyes out with my rib cage torn in half is just more proof you never loved me. you loved the things I did for you. you loved the idea of me. I feel so fucking sorry for you. you are a miserable fucked up person who gets joy out of coming into someone’s life and tearing it apart. you act like you’re better than everyone but you are no better. I find it amazing how you turned this all on me but i’m not surprised in the slightest. I think you want to make me out to be horrible so you don’t have to feel bad about what you did to me. but you and I both know all I ever did was love you. and one day that might hit you. it might not. but I can promise you this, you will never ever have the ability to do that to me again. I will come out of this strong and resilient and there will be a man who will actually fucking love me for who I am and not try to change me. while you’re still in the same old bed with the same stupid job and the same stupid friends. doing nothing with your life because you lack any sort of motivation. you talk a big game for someone who depended on me for everything. but I was the problem? for now my emotions bounce from nostalgic to anger but I promise you once they even out again, all that will be left is hate for you and the absolutely disgusting things you put me through.

04/28: Last night he got upset w me for something small. it reminded me of you. how I would ask you what was wrong and you would say oh nothing a million times until I went absolutely insane. I laid awake sick to my stomach all night. I had so many nightmares and breathing felt impossible. you did this to me. I will look for pieces of you in every man I meet and wrap them in red tape so I don’t make the same mistake twice. but how can I avoid the inevitable? i will forever gravitate towards men that give me that energy in an attempt to feel something again. it’s a shitty consolation prize if im being honest. you get to live your life totally free without a care in the world and here I am spending my days with my head down incase someone has the nerve to ask how I am doing. I feel sick and tired. my body has been in panic mode for months and it has finally come back down. now all I want to do is sleep forever so by the time I wake up i’ll be in a world where you no longer exist. where I don’t have to worry about seeing your car around town with another girl in my seat. I miss kota a lot. I know it’s probably best on her that I just stay away because she deserves to have peace but I miss her so much. she took a piece of my soul with her too. I hope you two take care of each other. I know how much she loves you and you her. I hope you guys can heal together and have the most amazing lives together. I know I say I still am struggling with this but at the same time I feel numb. Like my chest is completely hollow. I don’t want to feel again. I want to stay this way forever. never living in fear of when you might creep inside and take up residency in my bones. I just hope all of this was worth it.

05/02: I feel better today than I ever have. I had the time of my life on saturday. something I wouldn’t have been able to do with you. You did try to get my attention by messaging lindsey though. you can say that you didn’t but i’m not stupid. The only reason I responded was because I was smashed drunk and I knew I could take whatever other shit you threw at me. you called me a fragile soul and at first that really pissed me off until I realized im not fragile I am resilient and I am putting my pieces back together without you. I am healing myself from the inside and it seriously feels so good. I feel empowered like I could take on the fucking world. I would say I have you to thank for fucking up so bad but in reality im thanking myself because you deserve absolutely nothing from me. I feel so sorry for you. you have no idea what it means to truly love someone. you are to selfish to ever find that. your relationships will continue to fail and you will blame the other person and people will believe you but at the end of the day that shitty empty feeling you get is all you. that’s your body telling you that this one is on you. goodluck out there. you lost someone who truly loved you with all their heart and now you’ll be looking for me in every bitch you meet. respectfully hope you don’t find her because nobody deserves the pain you will put them through. I always put you up so high like I thought you were so great to me but in reality you were fucking awful and selfish. I have too much love to give to ever waste it on someone like you ever again.

05/04: I finally figured it all out. you had been talking to this girl for months. she literally follows me on instagram. she posted a picture in your bed and my heart sank like are you serious dude. you called lindsey on sunday and proceeded to tell her how i’m crazy, a whore, a bitch and all about how you’d be a better friend for her. not surprised that you want me to be alone through all of this because you want me to feel pain and it bothers you that I am okay. I have no idea who you are now. you are not the sweet boy I poured myself into for two years. you are a monster and you absolutely disgust me. I can’t believe that this is who you were all along. you never cared about me and you never loved me. I mistook you taking advantage of me for love. I begged you for months to tell me what was wrong with me so I could fix it. you played it off like I was insane. I was never the crazy one. you emotionally manipulated me for the last 6 months of our relationship and instead of just coming out and breaking up w me you decide cheating would be your way out?

honestly I have been way too nice about this. day one I got up and grabbed clothes and left. I should’ve been screaming and crying and beating on your chest for what you put me through but my only thought was “but I still love him”. now you have the nerve to act like I wasn’t civil about this because I didn’t bend to your every will on the way out? you’ve got to be joking. you are the one who fucked up and I still walked out of there w my head up.

06/20: it’s been almost 3 months since you did what you did. I have spent the last two of them distracting myself by the presence of other men. you and I speak now. more than speak actually but your girlfriend can’t know about the one time I met you in the backseat of your car in the middle of the night. you told me you still love me yesterday. and you told me you will always think of me when it rains. I like to think one day we will be together again. I know how unrealistic it sounds but I find peace it the fact that you are out there in the world existing and our paths could cross again at any moment. how badly I dream of a fairy tale ending to this story. it rains one last time and you realize you can’t live without me so you hop in your car and show up on my doorstep where you take me away from here and tell me everything’s gonna be okay. im not delusional im aware that the reality is if you actually loved me then you wouldn’t be with her. but I can’t help myself from believing that maybe just maybe you don’t want to be alone. we can’t be together so you use her to fill the hole in your hearts. that’s what I tell myself anyways and maybe that does make me delusional but it makes the nighttime a little easier to process knowing you could be out there thinking of me. I just hope I find someone else to love me before it’s too late and reality sets in that you’re never coming back.

—the letters I never sent, and one day they just stopped

[kennakatlyn]

I sit and stare at your message in my phone as the seconds tick upwards. has it been long enough? he can’t know I still love him i think to myself. so I wait and watch as the time goes forward whilst im still stuck at 7:36 pm. frozen in time with your message.

the silence on my end must be deafening. I was always too much for you so I became less. now you wait and imagine the worst. I wait and pray that this time I will fit in the tiny box you built for me. if im just a little less then maybe he won’t leave this time.

you text again “what’s wrong”. I reply with “nothing(:” as im staring at the ceiling wondering when i’ll be able to stop the games and call you mine again. knowing with each second that ticks by I am pulling you in closer and closer while i’m bursting at the seams trying not to say what we are both thinking.

you say “I know I want to be with you, I just don’t think that’s what we need right now.” my heart shatters all over the floor. if only you would give it a chance. what’s one more time gonna hurt? we’ve already been through the worst and yet we still couldn’t stay away. if you wanted to you would and that’s how I know you are just using me to drown the sounds of your loneliness and I will let you because I love you.

but instead I just text back “I know.” and then we go back to counting the time between messages. hoping and calling out to the universe in your name. will we ever get to see a future together? personally I am exhausted. but here I sit playing the same old tired game, hoping it’s enough to bring you home.

[kennakatlyn]

even though you are back in my bed again it’s still bothers me. it bothers me to know you took her to your favorite restaurant. it bothers me to know she rode passenger in your car. it bothers me to know you guys planned trips together. it bother me that you saw her naked. and it bothers me that she saw you naked. it bothers me to know that at least once you looked at her like she put the stars in the sky and I wasn’t a thought in your mind. it bothers me to know some part of you loved her whilst every part of me has always loved you. I think you being here with me again could be a good thing. it could teach me to let you go as contradictory as that sounds. it’s like exposure therapy. the more I see you in this way the more used to the thought of you not being mine i’ll be. but this could also be a bad thing. a very bad thing. the kind of bad that leaves me gripping my chest as i’m screaming on the cold bathroom floor begging the universe to end it all because a day without you sounds like a day wasted. you told me the other day that a life wasted is worse than death. you told me that made you think of me. because how could you be wasting time without the one you love. I don’t think im the one you love anymore though. I think you keep me around because it feels nice to have me as a backboard. I don’t complain. I just want you in my life. you love me but we can’t be together you say. I don’t see how that’s possible because love defeats all doubts and I would love to fight the odds with you just one last time. you may never be mine again but god I wish we could try. I wish so badly for one more shot at a life by your side. so until then I will sit here and wipe your tears and hold your hand whilst being utterly in love with you. I will swallow my words until they stop burning the back of my throat and I will smile through the tears because this is what it means to love someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

[kennakatlyn]

today I stumbled on a hidden keep safe of all of our photos. two months ago I wouldn’t have been able to even look at these and now im sitting outside sobbing because I would give anything to start over. I want to feel your body against mine and your lips pressed to my forehead. I still remember the way my arms would wrap around you and how you were just slightly too tall for me to kiss. I remember the day we ran into the rain and you spin me around and held my tight while the water drenched our bodies. I still remember the nights we would lay in bed and the way your voice sounds. but I still remember the pain I felt when I found out what you did. I still remember the look on your face when I told you I was leaving. and I most of all remember what it felt like when you told me you didn’t love me anymore. how can I miss someone who doesn’t miss me at all? how can I be left with all these broken pieces and stupid fucking pictures that mean nothing now and yet you get to live carefree? why do I feel like there’s a permanent piece missing while you find comfort being hers? the worst part is if you came to me right now in this pouring rain I would jump straight into your arms hoping to god you never let me go again. it hurts anthony. I wish I knew why you did this to me. all I ever wanted was to love you and all you ever wanted was to leave. never satisfied. that should be enough for me to let you go but here I am going through old pictures and sending messages that will never be returned. I thought i’d be over it by now since it’s been 3 months but all im doing is dragging it out in hopes that if I hold on long enough then you will come back. I love you so fucking much and I don’t care that you don’t love me. if I deny myself this feeling then I am no better than you. so I will go on in life loving everyone just a little too much and you will go on unaware that you hold pieces of me I can never get back. I guess what im saying is please just come home.